joy
New Member
Posts: 14 
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Post by joy on Dec 17, 2016 21:40:12 GMT -5
Adding to the last post - I have repaid him all the money he spent on my tuition for masters.
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Post by southerngirl on Dec 17, 2016 21:45:50 GMT -5
Hi Joy. It was very brave of you to come here and open up to us. I'm impressed by your strength already. You need to keep yourself safe and not do anything to make matters worse for you. Yes - use the computer very safely! Do you know how to use a private browser? We'll tell you how if you don't. You've gotten good advice here. Just so you know, I am a Christian and if you walked in to my church and told someone what was going on and asked for help, you would receive help. I like the idea of you going to visit family and never returning. Can you do this safely? You may not have the support of your family, but if going to see them gets you away from him you should do it. or at least say that is what you are doing and then disappear. Leave everything and start over. You have an education - you will be ok.
Keep posting. You are not a refuser, you have been royally screwed - just not in a good way - and you are not being treated with love and respect. Being in a sexless marriage is horrible, no matter the reason.
SG
*Does your family know about your situation? Perhaps going to them may not be the best if they put you in this position in the first place. You can start over on your own if you choose - new place, new life. But safety is very important and you will need good legal counsel. You will probably also need some therapy so don't be ashamed to ask for it.
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Post by baza on Dec 17, 2016 21:49:49 GMT -5
Before the sun sets - today - follow that link that Misssunnybunny provided you with.
Put the local cops on speed dial.
First opportunity you get (or can create) run for your fucking life.
Leave everything you own if necessary.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 17, 2016 21:55:21 GMT -5
Adding to the last post - I have repaid him all the money he spent on my tuition for masters. A positive move in your favor! Many attorneys can see you that day or the next day for free. It will only take you an hour. You will leave with more questions,and a huge burden/fear will be lifted from your mind knowing the law is on your side, and you are well informed. Bring a passport and some I.D. that will tell you what to do with a simple phone call. Everything will remain secret. Physical abuse on women is something taken very seriously in this country. Do you have sympathy for your husband? Mixed in with your fears of helping yourself? The time to start helping yourself was yesterday. Time to stop giving, and time for some taking. You will be helping both of you. Understandably that may not be very clear to you right now. You will see that with time. However, sadly, you have a short amount of time to make changes. |
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Post by southerngirl on Dec 17, 2016 22:00:03 GMT -5
It will definitely limit the number of people in my religion who want to marry me again. However, I am open to marry anyone who loves and respects me. I cannot get out of the house - I tried to do that before, there has been pushing, throwing things, tearing things, yelling etc. Safest option is go visit my family (who lives outside US) and never return to this place. He doesn't accept the sexless state - fights happen atleast twice a week on an average, I don't respond to him. I don't respond when he touches me. This happens about once in 10 days. Do you mean you literally are not allowed to leave the house? Do you work from home? Only leave with his escort? |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Dec 17, 2016 22:01:12 GMT -5
"I'm trying to see if the bad behavior outweighs the good things he has done."
This is more than bad behavior, it is abuse. I hate to say it, but it will probably only get worse the longer you stay. For your own safety, please do look into options for leaving as soon as you can. You have a degree, you will be able to find work to support yourself. If you can leave and be with your family, please consider that. Be safe.
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joy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by joy on Dec 17, 2016 22:13:41 GMT -5
I can drive, I work full time. I can go out whenever I want. We both are on non-immigrant visas, I am on student visa.
There is no immediate threat, I am safe, there are verbal fights occasionally, but nothing serious.
I'm thinking about the long term - I really like to have kids in 1-2 years time. If I leave now, I'm thinking about adopting a baby and raising it myself.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 17, 2016 22:26:26 GMT -5
I can drive, I work full time. I can go out whenever I want. We both are on non-immigrant visas, I am on student visa. There is no immediate threat, I am safe, there are verbal fights occasionally, but nothing serious. I'm thinking about the long term - I really like to have kids in 1-2 years time. If I leave now, I'm thinking about adopting a baby and raising it myself. Harsh verbal fights? Does that include threats? All part of mental abuse, and manipulation. There is no room for that in a marriage. I have three children adopted from China living here . They are american citizens. Even if they wanted to return to China at 18 yrs old (adults) life will be better for them as American citizens in China, compared to there life as a labeled orphan. There's nothing wrong with having goals and aspirations. Bless you for wanting to adopt. Stay focused on healing your current situation. Go on line and contact an attorney Monday morning, before they start closing for Christmas. |
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Post by southerngirl on Dec 17, 2016 22:39:09 GMT -5
Joy, that is a beautiful plan! You have options. Don't get stuck in a miserable life. Do something wonderful so that you wake up smiling every day. I think we would all do it differently if we could go back to our twenties and start over. Do it, girl! You deserve to be happy - we all do. But you really have a chance that not many of us do.
SG
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 17, 2016 23:45:01 GMT -5
"Getting a divorce would drain me emotionally and financially".
That sounds like an emotionally laced opinion. You need facts. Odds are in your favor of walking away with a 50/50 split, and a 100% new beginning with a job and a degree. Also a restraining order.
If you are renting things will go even quicker for you.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 17, 2016 23:45:09 GMT -5
We got married 5 years ago. [...] I am in my late twenties and we dont have kids. [...] There are instances of him getting angry [...] (I was scared of him sometimes - he is very impatient and hurls down bad words when he is angry) [...] I suffered numerous fights, humiliation in front of friends during those 3 years of study. I have completely lost interest in having an intimate relationship with him now. [...] Getting a divorce is an option Exercise your option. Don't walk away from this man - run! Today, not tomorrow. He is abusive. No two ways to look at that. The acts of kindness he may have shown you do not erase his violence; it's not a game of balance. The rules of the land where you now live don't allow this behavior, regardless of what he might have learned from his parents culturally while growing up. You also *must* call the police after any act of violence. Not only is it important to keep his behavior in check and keep you safe, it will be important in the divorce. Yes, he will be angry for having the police called, but he will also stop seeing you as a punching bag. You're getting waaay ahead of yourself here. You need to be focused on survival and self-safety. You're only in your 20's - there will plenty of time to explore adoption. And to be blunt you will significantly reduce your dating prospects if you have a child in tow (due to simple logistics, as well as other reasons). Whether by birth or adoption, you would be wise to be patient about children. But back to *today's* issue - find a shelter; get legal advice. Don't start an argument about it, just leave. Anything you leave behind can be repurchased later; it's not worth your safety. +1 for the suggestion to get a restraining order. (Another reason to have called the police for any violence or threats.). Restraining orders don't protect you, but it means he puts his freedom (and visa) at risk if he violates it, so he will think twice before harassing you again. |
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Post by solodriver on Dec 18, 2016 0:28:42 GMT -5
However, I am open to marry anyone who loves and respects me. I cannot get out of the house - I tried to do that before, there has been pushing, throwing things, tearing things, yelling etc. The second sentence is called abuse Joy. If he's doing that to you, you need to call the police and then get a restraining order, especially if he hits you. You do need to see how a divorce would affect you and then get out and away from him. You may also have to leave your religion for awhile if not permanently. After all who needs to be in a religion that allows this kind of behavior from it's male members. And if it's permitted as acceptable behavior within the religion, another male from the group will come in and do the very same crap. And I will tell you, abuse in any fashion IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!
Your first sentence tells me there is a very lucky man in the future who will get to share what you have to give, once you are able to resolve it medically. You sound like your spirit is willing, but your flesh won't let you. Get the medical attention that will help you so you can feel sexual enjoyment, and then when someone comes into your life that you desire, you'll be ready to try. But my advice is to take care of getting your divorce first so you can then focus on your medical issues. You won't really be ready to start a new page in your relationship status until you get your divorce and separate yourself from him for your safety and peace.
Just what I think for what it's worth,
Hugs Solo Driver
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Post by unmatched on Dec 18, 2016 6:25:49 GMT -5
I can drive, I work full time. I can go out whenever I want. We both are on non-immigrant visas, I am on student visa. There is no immediate threat, I am safe, there are verbal fights occasionally, but nothing serious. I'm thinking about the long term - I really like to have kids in 1-2 years time. If I leave now, I'm thinking about adopting a baby and raising it myself. If you have kids with this man, what kind of life do you think you would be bringing them into? Do you see them having a happy childhood and growing up feeling loved and well-balanced. Or do you think they would grow up feeling exactly the same way that you do and then spend the rest of their lives either scared of other people or being abusive themselves? I think it is great that you want to have kids, but please - don't make them live the way you are now. |
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Post by petrushka on Dec 18, 2016 9:09:15 GMT -5
I can drive, I work full time. I can go out whenever I want. We both are on non-immigrant visas, I am on student visa. There is no immediate threat, I am safe, there are verbal fights occasionally, but nothing serious. I'm thinking about the long term - I really like to have kids in 1-2 years time. If I leave now, I'm thinking about adopting a baby and raising it myself. I beg to differ, joy . You have described your husband's actions. you mentioned stomping on feet, pelvic injury, dragging, throwing of water, fortunately cold. Attempts to hit you. He may not be doing that again Right This Minute, but you can count on one thing: if he has done that in the past, he will be prepared to do it again in the future when he gets angry. And he seems to be the kind of man who uses anger to dominate your relationship. I guess your (his) cultural background will also have a strong influence on his expectations and on his view with regard to what is his right in the relationship. I have had Indian and Pakistani friends for years, I am intimately familiar with the cultures and the various religions. I do think that you may be in danger of your life. I have the impression that you suffer from "beaten women syndrome" to a degree since you are weighing up the few good things he's done for you against the abuse - abuse that would in my culture be considered to be very severe abuse, emotional and physical. Cooking 100 meals does not weigh up 1 single blow. I get the impression that you maybe live in the US now? Or for all I know in Britain, Australia or some other English speaking country. Personally, I'd advise you very strongly to get in touch with one of the Women's Refuge organisations, and get their help to disappear. I think it's probably a very good idea, in fact, to stay away from your parents as well. Because you can believe that he will look for you there. And there is no telling what he will do in his anger. If the anger controls him, do not expect him to be have like a rational, moral human. Be very very careful, please. |
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joy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by joy on Dec 18, 2016 12:08:09 GMT -5
I live in the US.
I will move out after I get back from my family in India.
My friend has agreed to let me stay at her place until I find an apartment for myself (I have started searching for an apt).
I need to start planning on how to get a restraining order and apply for divorce.
Thanks for all your support!
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