joy
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Posts: 14 
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Post by joy on Dec 17, 2016 19:03:48 GMT -5
Hi,
We got married 5 years ago. It was an arranged marriage by my parents and I didn't get to meet him in person before marriage. I am in my late twenties and we dont have kids.
We knew each other for about 6 months prior to the wedding. I was working in a small company back then and he wanted me to pursue masters (MS degree) after the marriage.
During those 6 months, he would mostly guide me through an entrance exam for the masters, we would occasionally talk about intimate things. There are instances of him getting angry over phone (for me not studying hard enough for the exam).
After marriage the intercourse did not happen (I was scared of him sometimes - he is very impatient and hurls down bad words when he is angry).
My doctor told me that I have vaginismus and had suggested me to do some exercises. I followed her instructions for sometime (until I was able to insert a smallest sized dildo).
I eventually graduated with a masters (took longer than expected to graduate) and hold a job now. But I suffered numerous fights, humiliation in front of friends during those 3 years of study.
I have completely lost interest in having an intimate relationship with him now. I have stopped exercising my pelvic floor muscles since a year.
Getting a divorce is an option, but I will have to do it on my own - with no support from the family.
Please let me know your suggestions.
Thank you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 17, 2016 19:12:51 GMT -5
A B I G welcome to you! You will find much needed support here! Something that would help us give you the answers you need is some background. Tell us more about the arranged marriage? That is something that most of us in America do not have to deal with. Also if it is part of a religion.
Congratulations on getting your masters!! Now let us work on finding the joy that you deserve.
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joy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by joy on Dec 17, 2016 19:19:39 GMT -5
Thank you for your response!
Dating doesn't happen in an arranged marriage. Parents shortlist a handful of guys for you to choose from. You don't get to understand the person as much. In my case, I met him in person 10 days before the wedding. It is part of the religion.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 17, 2016 19:30:29 GMT -5
Hi, We got married 5 years ago. It was an arranged marriage by my parents and I didn't get to meet him in person before marriage. I am in my late twenties and we dont have kids. We knew each other for about 6 months prior to the wedding. I was working in a small company back then and he wanted me to pursue masters (MS degree) after the marriage. During those 6 months, he would mostly guide me through an entrance exam for the masters, we would occasionally talk about intimate things. There are instances of him getting angry over phone (for me not studying hard enough for the exam). After marriage the intercourse did not happen (I was scared of him sometimes - he is very impatient and hurls down bad words when he is angry). My doctor told me that I have vaginismus and had suggested me to do some exercises. I followed her instructions for sometime (until I was able to insert a smallest sized dildo). I eventually graduated with a masters (took longer than expected to graduate) and hold a job now. But I suffered numerous fights, humiliation in front of friends during those 3 years of study. I have completely lost interest in having an intimate relationship with him now. I have stopped exercising my pelvic floor muscles since a year. Getting a divorce is an option, but I will have to do it on my own - with no support from the family. Please let me know your suggestions. Thank you. Hi Joy,
Welcome to the group. I'm sure you will receive responses to your post shortly, I'm guessing by tomorrow at this time.
I see a huge difference in your kind of refusing and my refuser wife. You tried to do something to help your situation, but it sounds like you're in an abusive relationship, which changes the whole dynamic. I have never been abusive, emotionally or physically, with my wife. I tried to talk with her about our situation and she has refused to do ANYTHING to restore the intimacy we once enjoyed so much. She doesn't care about what that has done to me emotionally.
I think that had your husband shown any love, consideration and understanding towards you, you would do what you could to have an intimate relationship. But abuse of any kind is unacceptable and you deserve another chance with a man who can show you what real love is, not abuse.
Don't give up on having a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone who deserves what you can share. Your current husband IS NOT HIM or deserves it.
My guess is that you're a sexual butterfly waiting to be released from your cocoon. Take everything one step at a time. Take your time to work through all this. And I think you will find supportive people on here on are caring and understanding. Count me as one of them! 
Solo Driver
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Post by nancyb on Dec 17, 2016 19:42:34 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum Joy. I recommend you read some of the old threads. Lots of advice to be gleaned from there.  |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 17, 2016 20:17:39 GMT -5
If divorce is an option, I think that is what I would choose. Would it hurt your chances, in your current religion, with a future mate? That is - if it's just fine, & it's socially acceptable- then what would be the reasons to stay?
On other aspects:
Do you know whether he is accepting of the sexless state? (If he is, well, you still have to weigh the personal cost to your spirit if you decided to stay)
Do you want kids?
At a minimum- I would not want to be with someone who I'm afraid of. I wouldn't want someone who thinks it's ok to humiliate me. And I would want a chance at a "normal" marriage---one where I actually want to have sex with my partner.
Welcome. Sorry to hear the sadness of your tale.
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joy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by joy on Dec 17, 2016 20:20:48 GMT -5
Thank you solodriver!
I will read through older posts first.
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Post by baza on Dec 17, 2016 20:27:50 GMT -5
Refuser, or refused, doesn't particularly matter once your deal has transitioned in to an ILIASM shithole.
Who is in the "right" (or "wrong") is no longer particularly relevant either.
Who's "fault" it was/is is not of importance either.
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What IS of pivotal importance is that the matter is brought to resolution, and in just about every case in this group, that means ending the dysfunctional situation.
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This reads like you are the one who wants to resolve this Sister joy, so you get my vote straight off, refuser or not.
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You do say - "Getting a divorce is an option, but I will have to do it on my own - with no support from the family".
The smart play would be to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish - theoretically - how a divorce would shake out for you. Then, you could consider this option based on facts rather than fears.
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Addendum (following your comment moments ago.
Whatever you do, keep it a clandestine mission. Your personal safety appears to be a big issue here. Put the cops on speed dial.
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joy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by joy on Dec 17, 2016 20:28:40 GMT -5
It will definitely limit the number of people in my religion who want to marry me again. However, I am open to marry anyone who loves and respects me.
I cannot get out of the house - I tried to do that before, there has been pushing, throwing things, tearing things, yelling etc.
Safest option is go visit my family (who lives outside US) and never return to this place.
He doesn't accept the sexless state - fights happen atleast twice a week on an average, I don't respond to him. I don't respond when he touches me. This happens about once in 10 days.
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joy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by joy on Dec 17, 2016 20:43:09 GMT -5
Last time I tried to leave was about 8 months ago. He started saying that I used him to do masters and get a job, since everything is sorted (financially), I was leaving.
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Post by baza on Dec 17, 2016 20:48:24 GMT -5
The time for blaming to have any relevance is gone. But, let's assume for a moment that you DID "use him to do masters and get a job" So what if you did  ?? So what if you didn't ?? Your marriage is still as dysfunctional as ever it was. His temper is as bad as it ever was. Your aversion to him is as strong as ever it was. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 17, 2016 21:01:36 GMT -5
Last time I tried to leave was about 8 months ago. He started saying that I used him to do masters and get a job, since everything is sorted (financially), I was leaving. Financial matters and physical abuse/threats can be answered by an attorney. Much will depend on what state you live in. A woman's shelter could help guide you to the right people to help you. Miss some time from work, go to your local library and use the computers there, or stop in at a local church (pick any denomination) and ask for help, guidance and recommendations. Hopefully you can have a joyful life here in America! |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Dec 17, 2016 21:08:04 GMT -5
It will definitely limit the number of people in my religion who want to marry me again. However, I am open to marry anyone who loves and respects me. I cannot get out of the house - I tried to do that before, there has been pushing, throwing things, tearing things, yelling etc. Safest option is go visit my family (who lives outside US) and never return to this place. He doesn't accept the sexless state - fights happen atleast twice a week on an average, I don't respond to him. I don't respond when he touches me. This happens about once in 10 days. Welcome Joy. It appears you would like to work on the issues in your marriage, but it also appears that you are married to an abusive person. i am sorry to hear of the state of your marriage, but you have found a great place for advice and support. Since you are in the US, there are women's shelters and advocates who can help those who are looking to leave an abusive relationship. There is help out there, and a good resource is here: www.thehotline.org (National Domestic Violence Hotline, DV is not just physical abuse, it encompasses everything you have mentioned) For safety's sake, use private browsing, or clear your search history, just in case. Best to you! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 17, 2016 21:35:08 GMT -5
Last time I tried to leave was about 8 months ago. He started saying that I used him to do masters and get a job, since everything is sorted (financially), I was leaving. Shit. Sounds a lot worse than the first post let on. Do whatever you can to safely get it dissolved. As soon as you can. Stay safe as you can. |
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joy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by joy on Dec 17, 2016 21:36:30 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies! I need this support.
Getting a divorce would drain me emotionally and financially. Things will never be the same again. We behave as a happy couple outside.
I'm still not fully prepared for a divorce (mentally), but I can sustain myself, and I have taken legal insurance my work offers.
There are certain good things he has done, like, cooking for me during my exams, allowing me to study with my friends late in the night, sometimes picking me up from my college, taking me on trips (mostly to national parks - more like budget trip).
I'm trying to see if the bad behavior outweighs the good things he has done.
Thanks.
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