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Post by lyn on Dec 4, 2016 19:27:15 GMT -5
No, not sexual relief, but, I finally spoke about this farce IRL. My sister was the unlucky recipient of my long, sordid, pathetic tale.
Me: married 11 years, more-or-less sexless for 10.
I've been so reluctant over the years to actually speak about this issue to anyone other than my H. As y'all probably know for yourselves, this topic of conversation with the spouse is pretty much always the same, year after year. So, speaking to the H about it has been probably the least productive thing I've ever done, repeatedly.
Anyway, please, if you've been reluctant to share your story with someone IRL, I highly recommend it. I haven't felt so liberated in -well I can't remember how long.
After I told her everything, and after she exclaimed probably 5 times how shocked she was, told me she is always happy to talk to me about this, etc., I received a call from her husband, my BIL of 20years. He can be a tough nut, and is friends with my H. Immediately I saw him on my caller I.d., and was pissed because she went straight to him with this. Granted, I didn't ask her to keep it to herself (I figured she would).
Let me just say, I thought her call was liberating, but, his call was something else. I'm not even sure how to describe how it made me feel. After saying, "Please don't be mad at your sister for telling me but I had to call you", he said "(your sister) loves you, and I love you. Just know that, and, your H is insane. Don't ever think there is something wrong with you because you are ......". He went on to tell me he and his friends, brother, nephew, etc., think I'm attractive (his words were a little more colorful I guess) and cool. This, coming from a big body builder dude.
After thanking him profusely, and asking him to please not share the story -yet. We hung up and I cried. Cried for all of the sleepless nights, cried for all of my self-doubt, cried for the death of the marriage I so desperately wanted to work.
I can't tell you how much better I feel about life in general now. Why this external validation is so seemingly important to me is really sad I think. Something to work on/address in therapy. What I won't be working on/addressing is how to fix my marriage - how to make an asexual be anything else.
What I really want to stress here is this: PLEASE - for your sake - speak to someone IRL about your ILIASM shithole. Just do it. It's scary, hard, but, worth it.
HUGS and thank you. I've gained so much reading about everyone else's experiences.
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Post by becca on Dec 4, 2016 21:06:48 GMT -5
Hugs to you lyn. I am so glad that you were able to receive that positive validation. A SM absolutely messes with your head and twists up our thoughts about ourselves. |
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Post by obobfla on Dec 4, 2016 21:47:07 GMT -5
Glad you shared lyn. And kudos to your brother-in-law. I eventually broke down and told two of my sisters. They had no idea of the lack of sex and delusions my wife experienced. Now that I have opened up, they have been a lot more helpful to me. |
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Post by lyn on Dec 5, 2016 1:27:08 GMT -5
Hugs to you lyn. I am so glad that you were able to receive that positive validation. A SM absolutely messes with your head and twists up our thoughts about ourselves. Thank you becca - it sure does mess with your head. I really hope the damage is, at least somewhat, reversible. Really doubt I'd ever walk down the aisle again after this fiasco. |
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Post by lyn on Dec 5, 2016 1:30:40 GMT -5
Glad you shared lyn. And kudos to your brother-in-law. I eventually broke down and told two of my sisters. They had no idea of the lack of sex and delusions my wife experienced. Now that I have opened up, they have been a lot more helpful to me. Thanks obobfla! My BIL does surprise me some of the time. It feels great to open up and all of that, but, I really think I've opened a can of worms now- guess it had to happen at some point! I'm so glad your sisters have come around to be more helpful! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 5, 2016 10:15:12 GMT -5
I thought my sisters would be the most understanding but it was my MOM who was. Then my brothers, and then sisters (and not all of them were actually supportive of divorce "just" because of this - since the one sister bought into the medical cause making my Ex blameless - she softened up some as I explained further but still). My dad - well - he doesn't "like" divorce and he's a man of very few words anyway - his dementia had already progressed to Alzheimer's by last year (news of my divorce) and so I don't really know if even grasped the reasons about why I initiated the divorce. Opening up to outsiders allowed me to integrate my own personality somehow. I could quit living the LIE that everything was "fine" and become a whole person again. It's a long road to reverse the damage. Takes time, patience, and professional help (for me it did). But it is SO worth it. So glad you shared with your sister, lyn, and SO glad you shared it here. |
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Post by baza on Dec 5, 2016 18:42:26 GMT -5
Well done Sister lyn.
This is all part of dissipating the bullshit levels that often cloak an ILIASM shithole.
The more of the crap you can hose off, the clearer the picture gets. (the picture doesn't actually look any better, but it sure as hell looks a lot clearer)
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Post by lyn on Dec 6, 2016 1:11:02 GMT -5
I thought my sisters would be the most understanding but it was my MOM who was. Then my brothers, and then sisters (and not all of them were actually supportive of divorce "just" because of this - since the one sister bought into the medical cause making my Ex blameless - she softened up some as I explained further but still). My dad - well - he doesn't "like" divorce and he's a man of very few words anyway - his dementia had already progressed to Alzheimer's by last year (news of my divorce) and so I don't really know if even grasped the reasons about why I initiated the divorce. Opening up to outsiders allowed me to integrate my own personality somehow. I could quit living the LIE that everything was "fine" and become a whole person again. It's a long road to reverse the damage. Takes time, patience, and professional help (for me it did). But it is SO worth it. So glad you shared with your sister, lyn, and SO glad you shared it here. Thanks @geekgoddess for your insight- it sounds like you have a big family with lots of siblings too. I already know my Mom will not be supportive as she is a staunch Catholic (I.e., "procreation is the only reason for S.E.X"). But, then again, maybe she'll surprise me! I'm not sure when I'll be speaking to the rest of the family about this as we all live in diff parts of the country. I felt a bit stressed a few hours after telling my sister and brother-in-law....... but I do think that's probably natural. There is a lot that I need to figure out before I can get out of this but hey, gotta start somewhere! Just glad I've started. |
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Post by lyn on Dec 6, 2016 1:16:46 GMT -5
Well done Sister lyn. This is all part of dissipating the bullshit levels that often cloak an ILIASM shithole. The more of the crap you can hose off, the clearer the picture gets. (the picture doesn't actually look any better, but it sure as hell looks a lot clearer) You know, it's funny you mention it looking clearer baza, because it is actually quite clear now. I'm seeing it for what it is - a temporary situation. Knowing this, in and of itself, has really lowered my own level of despair I suppose. At the end of this I will be independent. Not certain how it will look yet, but I will get there. It is a process and it's happening! |
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Post by nealbtheman on Dec 6, 2016 16:43:04 GMT -5
A thousand times I wanted to post on Facebook "I WANT SEX!!!!!" but really I should say "I long for my wife's touch, but she will only reject me"
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Post by Pinkberry on Dec 6, 2016 17:40:34 GMT -5
I'm glad you got some much need IRL validation and support. Yay for great family!
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Post by lyn on Dec 7, 2016 4:40:47 GMT -5
A thousand times I wanted to post on Facebook "I WANT SEX!!!!!" but really I should say "I long for my wife's touch, but she will only reject me" I hear ya @nealbetheman. Have you ever told your wife that? That you "long for her touch". I literally said that exact phrase to the H about 6 months ago after not seeing him for a few weeks. Actually laid down right next to him and had to pick up his enormous arm and wrap myself up in it. I can't remember if he even said anything, but remember that within about 30 seconds of having this "dead arm" on me, I shrugged it off, stood up, said something like, 'not really working for me', and went to sleep in the other room. And that was that. I just don't get some people but, what are you gonna do. If you have ever said that to your wife, just curious as to her response. |
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Post by lyn on Dec 7, 2016 4:42:24 GMT -5
I'm glad you got some much need IRL validation and support. Yay for great family! Aww thank you Pinkberry. The siblings do surprise me from time-to-time! |
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Post by ggold on Dec 7, 2016 12:46:16 GMT -5
No, not sexual relief, but, I finally spoke about this farce IRL. My sister was the unlucky recipient of my long, sordid, pathetic tale. Me: married 11 years, more-or-less sexless for 10. I've been so reluctant over the years to actually speak about this issue to anyone other than my H. As y'all probably know for yourselves, this topic of conversation with the spouse is pretty much always the same, year after year. So, speaking to the H about it has been probably the least productive thing I've ever done, repeatedly. Anyway, please, if you've been reluctant to share your story with someone IRL, I highly recommend it. I haven't felt so liberated in -well I can't remember how long. After I told her everything, and after she exclaimed probably 5 times how shocked she was, told me she is always happy to talk to me about this, etc., I received a call from her husband, my BIL of 20years. He can be a tough nut, and is friends with my H. Immediately I saw him on my caller I.d., and was pissed because she went straight to him with this. Granted, I didn't ask her to keep it to herself (I figured she would). Let me just say, I thought her call was liberating, but, his call was something else. I'm not even sure how to describe how it made me feel. After saying, "Please don't be mad at your sister for telling me but I had to call you", he said "(your sister) loves you, and I love you. Just know that, and, your H is insane. Don't ever think there is something wrong with you because you are ......". He went on to tell me he and his friends, brother, nephew, etc., think I'm attractive (his words were a little more colorful I guess) and cool. This, coming from a big body builder dude. After thanking him profusely, and asking him to please not share the story -yet. We hung up and I cried. Cried for all of the sleepless nights, cried for all of my self-doubt, cried for the death of the marriage I so desperately wanted to work. I can't tell you how much better I feel about life in general now. Why this external validation is so seemingly important to me is really sad I think. Something to work on/address in therapy. What I won't be working on/addressing is how to fix my marriage - how to make an asexual be anything else. What I really want to stress here is this: PLEASE - for your sake - speak to someone IRL about your ILIASM shithole. Just do it. It's scary, hard, but, worth it. HUGS and thank you. I've gained so much reading about everyone else's experiences. Once I started opening up about it, I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I now talk openly about my SM to certain friends and family members. All who know are supportive!! I now have many I can speak to about my situation with no judgement. |
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Post by petrushka on Dec 16, 2016 6:23:25 GMT -5
I know it is not customary to share "dark secrets" like a fucked up relationship. But ... by taking part in many therapy and encounter groups I learned just how liberating it can be to talk about it. Ultimately: what have you got to lose? You have the chance of talking it over, getting support, or getting your head set straight, at times. I just don't buy into worrying about what the neighbours might think if they see my face here. My friends know. I have talked about it with them. I found some of them are sitting in the same boat. And the last thing I will do is to act as cover for my refuser. It was her decision to check out of this relationship sexually and never fully enter into intimacy because she finds it too terrifying to relinquish control of her defenses. My take: She is an adult. Let her take responsibility for her actions and attitudes. Good for you, lyn , that you found support, and more support than you expected has come out. Kudos to your sister and your BiL for standing by you. |
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