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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 16, 2016 8:34:40 GMT -5
Well done Sister lyn. This is all part of dissipating the bullshit levels that often cloak an ILIASM shithole. The more of the crap you can hose off, the clearer the picture gets. (the picture doesn't actually look any better, but it sure as hell looks a lot clearer) You know, it's funny you mention it looking clearer baza , because it is actually quite clear now. I'm seeing it for what it is - a temporary situation. Knowing this, in and of itself, has really lowered my own level of despair I suppose. At the end of this I will be independent. Not certain how it will look yet, but I will get there. It is a process and it's happening! It is a step by step process, all part of gaining ground,and finding your joy again. The other day, when I spoke to my older sister, she brought up the fact that mother was not happy with my STBX's attitude toward her, even before we were married. My STBX referred to my mother as ,she, or her. My mother politely let her know, "my name is Lorraine." A red flag, from back then? maybe. Even bringing up the past can be helpful, along with the insight from others. Now that the worm can is open, you can go fishing, for information from others. Just hearing, "i didn't like this and that, about him from the day I met him" will help you move forward with the changes ahead. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 16, 2016 16:06:53 GMT -5
Just got to my parents house. Not sure if it'll happen tonight or in the morning, but I'll give them the whole, "this is what's really been going on" talk. It's been way overdue.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2016 20:16:40 GMT -5
Just got to my parents house. Not sure if it'll happen tonight or in the morning, but I'll give them the whole, "this is what's really been going on" talk. It's been way overdue. Good luck, CT. Telling family and close friends that things had changed between me and Mr. Kat was so hard. Even now, nearly a year later, I keep feeling like I have to justify myself. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 16, 2016 21:20:23 GMT -5
Just got to my parents house. Not sure if it'll happen tonight or in the morning, but I'll give them the whole, "this is what's really been going on" talk. It's been way overdue. Good luck cagedtiger - I hope they are understanding & supportive. And I believe you realize that's just to make it easier - it is NOT a requirement. Even if they don't understand....they aren't the ones sleeping in your bed, er - her bed, I mean separate beds! |
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Post by lyn on Dec 17, 2016 11:22:36 GMT -5
No, not sexual relief, but, I finally spoke about this farce IRL. My sister was the unlucky recipient of my long, sordid, pathetic tale. Me: married 11 years, more-or-less sexless for 10. I've been so reluctant over the years to actually speak about this issue to anyone other than my H. As y'all probably know for yourselves, this topic of conversation with the spouse is pretty much always the same, year after year. So, speaking to the H about it has been probably the least productive thing I've ever done, repeatedly. Anyway, please, if you've been reluctant to share your story with someone IRL, I highly recommend it. I haven't felt so liberated in -well I can't remember how long. After I told her everything, and after she exclaimed probably 5 times how shocked she was, told me she is always happy to talk to me about this, etc., I received a call from her husband, my BIL of 20years. He can be a tough nut, and is friends with my H. Immediately I saw him on my caller I.d., and was pissed because she went straight to him with this. Granted, I didn't ask her to keep it to herself (I figured she would). Let me just say, I thought her call was liberating, but, his call was something else. I'm not even sure how to describe how it made me feel. After saying, "Please don't be mad at your sister for telling me but I had to call you", he said "(your sister) loves you, and I love you. Just know that, and, your H is insane. Don't ever think there is something wrong with you because you are ......". He went on to tell me he and his friends, brother, nephew, etc., think I'm attractive (his words were a little more colorful I guess) and cool. This, coming from a big body builder dude. After thanking him profusely, and asking him to please not share the story -yet. We hung up and I cried. Cried for all of the sleepless nights, cried for all of my self-doubt, cried for the death of the marriage I so desperately wanted to work. I can't tell you how much better I feel about life in general now. Why this external validation is so seemingly important to me is really sad I think. Something to work on/address in therapy. What I won't be working on/addressing is how to fix my marriage - how to make an asexual be anything else. What I really want to stress here is this: PLEASE - for your sake - speak to someone IRL about your ILIASM shithole. Just do it. It's scary, hard, but, worth it. HUGS and thank you. I've gained so much reading about everyone else's experiences. Once I started opening up about it, I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I now talk openly about my SM to certain friends and family members. All who know are supportive!! I now have many I can speak to about my situation with no judgement. @ggold. I'm so glad you've been able to open up and talk about this with some of your friends and loved ones. I've still only spoken with my sister and brother in law but I have been working on my support system some. It's just seemed easier over the past few years to let some of my long term friendships go unattended and forget about new friends......... it's just seemed like way too much to basically lie to their faces by putting on my happy face and talking about my life at all. I'm slowly emerging though. Making contact with some of my oldest friends and will share my truth to them at some point in the near future. |
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Post by lyn on Dec 17, 2016 11:31:31 GMT -5
I know it is not customary to share "dark secrets" like a fucked up relationship. But ... by taking part in many therapy and encounter groups I learned just how liberating it can be to talk about it. Ultimately: what have you got to lose? You have the chance of talking it over, getting support, or getting your head set straight, at times. I just don't buy into worrying about what the neighbours might think if they see my face here. My friends know. I have talked about it with them. I found some of them are sitting in the same boat. And the last thing I will do is to act as cover for my refuser. It was her decision to check out of this relationship sexually and never fully enter into intimacy because she finds it too terrifying to relinquish control of her defenses. My take: She is an adult. Let her take responsibility for her actions and attitudes. Good for you, lyn , that you found support, and more support than you expected has come out. Kudos to your sister and your BiL for standing by you. Thank you petrushka, it did feel like a positive thing (I guess) opening up to my sister and BIL. I have spoken to her since and it wasn't brought up and the conversation seemed weird to me but, then again, I know for a fact that I'm way too analytical (about everything) for my own good. The convo was probably fine, I was probably the "weird part". I am thinking that some IRL support groups would be good but not really sure which ones would be appropriate. I wish there was a sm support group that could double as a fwb dating club.......lol After thinking about this so much, and with the little bit of sharing that I've done, I don't think I'm embarrassed necessarily to share more, I just need to work on my support system, tend to that garden if you will, before I spring it on them. I am working on it though and I do see the light st the end of the tunnel:) |
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Post by lyn on Dec 17, 2016 11:59:07 GMT -5
You know, it's funny you mention it looking clearer baza , because it is actually quite clear now. I'm seeing it for what it is - a temporary situation. Knowing this, in and of itself, has really lowered my own level of despair I suppose. At the end of this I will be independent. Not certain how it will look yet, but I will get there. It is a process and it's happening! It is a step by step process, all part of gaining ground,and finding your joy again. The other day, when I spoke to my older sister, she brought up the fact that mother was not happy with my STBX's attitude toward her, even before we were married. My STBX referred to my mother as ,she, or her. My mother politely let her know, "my name is Lorraine." A red flag, from back then? maybe. Even bringing up the past can be helpful, along with the insight from others. Now that the worm can is open, you can go fishing, for information from others. Just hearing, "i didn't like this and that, about him from the day I met him" will help you move forward with the changes ahead. My ex-husband did that "her" and "she" thing when referencing me. THAT was infuriating to me! Such a simple way of phrasing has disregard and disrespect written all over it. I like your reference to "going fishing". That's kind of what I'm doing, gathering my supplies and packing my tackle box currently:). I do know that many people in my life think my H is an asshole. He is an over-bearing, loud giant. He's always been nice to me, but withholding love - affection - intimacy certainly isn't "nice". A few years back (well 6 or 7) my H and I separated briefly due to some other shit he was pulling, and at that time people came out of the woodwork saying, "not surprised......he's a real douchebag". My daughter who was around 18 or so said, " well yeah, he's an a-hole" although she gets along with him great. He is my kids step-dad, thank god, so at least I won't be tied to him when all of this is over. As the kids are home from their college breaks, I'm so much happier (at least zip think I am - I have a very hard time feeling my feelings), so just going to focus on them for the next few weeks. This whole unraveling process is overwhelming to say the least! |
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Post by lyn on Dec 17, 2016 12:14:39 GMT -5
Just got to my parents house. Not sure if it'll happen tonight or in the morning, but I'll give them the whole, "this is what's really been going on" talk. It's been way overdue. [br Oh try not to be nervous cagedtiger. Easier said than done, I know! You're an inspiration for sure! Remember, we're all rooting for you! Keep this train a movin! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 17, 2016 15:56:48 GMT -5
Well that went about as well as expected. Told them about the lack of physical contact, the loneliness, and the lack of any real change on her part. My dad nodded in agreement when I told them that the affection they saw her showing at Thanksgiving was the most I'd seen all year. He offered that perhaps some of it was for show, even if she wasn't fully aware of it. They both rolled their eyes when i told them about the "pulling" thing, and raised their eyebrows at the price of her therapy sessions.
They told me about their own struggles, about the five years it took for my dad to realize some things and change them, and another 14 it took for another major issue to be resolved. The whole time, I was thinking, "we don't have kids, I can't wait around that long with nothing to keep us together." They told me they'd keep praying for me, for her, and for us, and as I got ready to leave, my dad hugged me.
"Remember. There's nothing so shattered that God can't fix it. "
...so at least they won't be totally surprised when shit hits the fan. I guess there's that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 17, 2016 16:13:58 GMT -5
Well that went about as well as expected. Told them about the lack of physical contact, the loneliness, and the lack of any real change on her part. My dad nodded in agreement when I told them that the affection they saw her showing at Thanksgiving was the most I'd seen all year. He offered that perhaps some of it was for show, even if she wasn't fully aware of it. They both rolled their eyes when i told them about the "pulling" thing, and raised their eyebrows at the price of her therapy sessions. They told me about their own struggles, about the five years it took for my dad to realize some things and change them, and another 14 it took for another major issue to be resolved. The whole time, I was thinking, "we don't have kids, I can't wait around that long with nothing to keep us together." They told me they'd keep praying for me, for her, and for us, and as I got ready to leave, my dad hugged me. "Remember. There's nothing so shattered that God can't fix it. " ...so at least they won't be totally surprised when shit hits the fan. I guess there's that. Please don't let that deter your progress. (I don't quote and remember scripture like others, but I do know it's meaning) The old testament (which my therapists shared with me) discusses terminating and ending marriages. There are many questions asked and answered in the bible about what a marriage should be. Yours, (and mine) is not one of them. Many examples in the bible of second chances. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 17, 2016 16:45:47 GMT -5
More of"the bottom line", God can fix it, that is true. Much, much, much more important than that, is that it is a choice. Your wife has to let go and let God. She chooses to fear it, avoid it and deny it.
You have your own "choice" about the rest of your life. Including how to better serve yourself and everyone else that will be better off with you in there life.
You know and understand these concepts, (it's always good to hear it again) it shows in your strong character!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 17, 2016 16:51:49 GMT -5
Well that went about as well as expected. Told them about the lack of physical contact, the loneliness, and the lack of any real change on her part. My dad nodded in agreement when I told them that the affection they saw her showing at Thanksgiving was the most I'd seen all year. He offered that perhaps some of it was for show, even if she wasn't fully aware of it. They both rolled their eyes when i told them about the "pulling" thing, and raised their eyebrows at the price of her therapy sessions. They told me about their own struggles, about the five years it took for my dad to realize some things and change them, and another 14 it took for another major issue to be resolved. The whole time, I was thinking, "we don't have kids, I can't wait around that long with nothing to keep us together." They told me they'd keep praying for me, for her, and for us, and as I got ready to leave, my dad hugged me. "Remember. There's nothing so shattered that God can't fix it. " ...so at least they won't be totally surprised when shit hits the fan. I guess there's that. Sometimes God's fix is helping you find the best lawyer. Just sayin. His will, not mine. I had never had a spiritual life with my Ex. He would mock me if I got too "mambo jumbo spiritual" in my ideas or conversation. So I actually believe my higher power is one of the drivers that helped me get out. I'm proud you told them. And from what I read, I think they were as supportive as they are capable of. So that's a positive, in my book. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 17, 2016 16:57:28 GMT -5
Well done cagedtiger. That must have been really hard. It sounds like their initial hope is that this can all be fixed. Which was yours too in the beginning right? They love you. They'll support you. They'll understand. It might take a bit of time but they will. Xxx |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 17, 2016 16:59:45 GMT -5
Well that went about as well as expected. Told them about the lack of physical contact, the loneliness, and the lack of any real change on her part. My dad nodded in agreement when I told them that the affection they saw her showing at Thanksgiving was the most I'd seen all year. He offered that perhaps some of it was for show, even if she wasn't fully aware of it. They both rolled their eyes when i told them about the "pulling" thing, and raised their eyebrows at the price of her therapy sessions. They told me about their own struggles, about the five years it took for my dad to realize some things and change them, and another 14 it took for another major issue to be resolved. The whole time, I was thinking, "we don't have kids, I can't wait around that long with nothing to keep us together." They told me they'd keep praying for me, for her, and for us, and as I got ready to leave, my dad hugged me. "Remember. There's nothing so shattered that God can't fix it. " ...so at least they won't be totally surprised when shit hits the fan. I guess there's that. Sounds like they were understanding and supportive. Mission accomplished. That was very nice what your dad said about God and I believe in God but I do not believe that God can fix a marriage. God doesn't care if people are sexless. Twenty three years of hoping and sometimes praying for sex taught me that. So make of your life what you want for yourself. God gets no credit for me escaping my SM. I did all that hard work myself. As well when my FWB moans and says "oh God", I tell him to say my name because God isn't sucking his dick! I wish you strength to find your happiness! |
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Post by Lithium92 on Dec 17, 2016 17:15:07 GMT -5
I've had a date to start my counselling in January - actually it's a CBT asessment apparently - and naturally my SM will come up. I've also got my head round the idea of talking about it to my best mate and probably my sister when the time's right. I used to feel it was vaguely disloyal since they know my wife, but I've got to the point where my need to reach out is more important.
ETA: When my sister broke the silence about my mum's BPD and years of abusive behaviour, tons of people came out of the woodwork about how she's always been weird and how they'd worried about us, and were in awe of our relative normality. I'm sure something similar will happen when I'm ready to talk about my SM. I have to remind myself a lot that if a friend fessed up something like that to me, my support would be complete and unhesitating, and my friends are at least as understanding and loyal as I am, so I'm very safe with them.
It's just hard to take that deep breath and do it.
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