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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 0:27:48 GMT -5
I'm not even sure if I should be here. I love my wife and very attracted to her but we have not been intimate for 3 plus months. We had a problem with one of our extended family member and this did not help. However, the problem is that she can hold grudges for a long time. I am a very devoted husband and father, doing everything I can to help with the kids, housework etc. and work long hours. In the past we had long stretches (months) of time without sex and the latest was about 10 months but I was suffering. She on the other hand just seem to have cruised along with no intimacy. I tried to initiate a few times but every time I tried, I was shut down. I was in hell. I was getting depressed and started to take antidepressants and felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper. Then we had a great time for about a year, lots of sex and things were looking up. But now we are going down the same road again and I'm afraid it will be like before with a long stretch. She absolutely ignores my advances and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. I cry at night sometimes and have not slept a good night sleep for about 2 month now. I miss her so much but I also fear her rejection. I have solo sex now and a lot of the times I think of her when doing it.
I probably should not complain here as I can see my life is not the worst but it is good to know that I'm not the only one who thinks sex is very important to a fulfilling life. I'm in my late 40s and afraid that she will not want it anymore or even less. Just the thought of not knowing if and when we'll be intimate again is extremely depressing. It's like waiting for something that may never come. I feel deprived and rejected.
I do not think divorce is a solution and I do not want to cheat either and I think this is why it make it so difficult for me. I have never thought that I 'd be this depressed from lack of sex but I also have never thought this is this common.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 0:52:16 GMT -5
I was 47 when I found myself three months without. Now I'm 55 and I'm 8 years without. Don't be me. It's shocking how fast the days, months, then years sail by......and the damage to your health and well-being is VERY real, especially the mental stuff. PROCEED WITH CAUTION, and make sure the poppies don't put you to sleep.
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 1:01:29 GMT -5
I wonder if crying has ever worked for a sexless man...
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Post by lwoetin on Nov 22, 2016 2:17:11 GMT -5
I'm not even sure if I should be here. I love my wife and very attracted to her but we have not been intimate for 3 plus months. We had a problem with some of our extended family member and this did not help. However, the problem is that she can hold grudges for a long time. I am a very devoted husband and father, doing everything I can to help with the kids, housework etc. and work long hours. In the past we had long stretches (months) of time without sex and the latest was about 10 months but I was suffering. She on the other hand just seem to have cruised along with no intimacy. I tried to initiate a few times but every time I tried, I was shut down. I was in hell. I was getting depressed and started to take antidepressants and felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper. Then we had a great time for about a year, lots of sex and things were looking up. But now we are going down the same road again and I'm afraid it will be like before with a long stretch. She absolutely ignores my advances and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. I cry at night sometimes and have not slept a good night sleep for about 2 month now. I miss her so much but I also fear her rejection. I have solo sex now and a lot of the times I think of her when doing it. I probably should not complain here as I can see my life is not the worst but it is good to know that I'm not the only one who thinks sex is very important to a fulfilling life. I'm in my late 40s and afraid that she will not want it anymore or even less. Just the thought of not knowing if and when we'll be intimate again is extremely depressing. It's like waiting for something that may never come. I feel deprived and rejected. I do not think divorce is a solution and I do not want to cheat either and I think this is why it make it so difficult for me. I have never thought that I 'd be this depressed from lack of sex but I also have never thought this is this common. Why shouldn't you be here? You are in a sexless marriage. You can complain about it like we all do. Being in love with your wife is allowed here. Welcome to the site. She doesn't appreciate you and all the hard work you do for your family. Hopefully she will change and provides more love at some point. I've seen change happen when she figures out she will lose a loved one. If divorce or cheating is not an option, then perhaps the threat/possiblility of such happening is? I don't know. Why does your wife have so much control? She seems to be at ease while you are depressed. Can't you shake her world a little? Besides fear and sadness, I think it is OK to have anger and strength too. |
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Post by unmatched on Nov 22, 2016 4:29:45 GMT -5
Your situation is slightly unusual here in that you had 10 months sexless, then a year of good regular sex, then 3 months with nothing again. Do you know why? Is there an issue in your marriage that you are not talking about, is she punishing you for something, is there something going on with her that is causing her to pull back. Telling her she needs to have sex with you is a risky move - she might get angry and pull further away and it might create a gap that is just too hard to bridge. On the other hand, there is a risk that if you do nothing 3 months will turn into a year and at that point you are really in trouble. Maybe you can talk to her about your marriage in general and how you are both feeling about it, rather than diving straight into complaining about sex.
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Post by iceman on Nov 22, 2016 11:32:46 GMT -5
You have every right to complain when one of life's basic needs is not being met. I'm largely, as are pretty much everyone here, in the same situation. On the surface you can tell yourself that everything isn't so bad. It's just sex. It's trivial compared to everything else my marriage brings me. It would be so self-centered to tear apart your family over sex. Right? I've had that conversation with myself more times than I can count trying to convince myself that's the case. But it's not!! That may be the case for your wife but not for you. It's the same for my wife and me. She sees no problem with a virtually nonexistent sex life while I tear my guts out over it. It doesn't mean that one of you is wrong. You're just different. You're wired differently. The million dollar question is can you live with it? I don't have a good answer. I'm still struggling with the question. For me children and finances very much muddy the waters, children particularly so. It's a much easier question if it's just the two of you but you mentioned children. Children greatly complicate the situation. You wrote that that she holds grudges. Do you think she's holding a grudge against you for something? Besides the year you mentioned has your sex life ever been satisfactory in your opinion? Have sat sat down with her and had 'the talk' about the situation? Does she realize how upset you are? My only real piece of advice is to not suffer silently and wait for her to come around. I made that mistake. I didn't want to force the situation with my wife. For the most part I avoided confrontation. I really wanted her to come around on her own, which she never has. Now we're so entrenched in the situation I hold out virtually no hope that things will improve. You really need to get things out in the open to see where things stand and try to figure out if there's any hope of getting to a place that's acceptable to both of you. If you don't 3 months will become a year in a flash, and you'll start counting the time since you had sex in years. The longer you and your wife go without physical intimacy the harder it becomes to turn things around. |
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Post by baza on Nov 22, 2016 17:48:02 GMT -5
"I do not think divorce is a solution and I do not want to cheat either" - you say Brother arther.
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Staying in an ILIASM shithole IS a perfectly valid choice to make.
Cheating IS a perfectly valid choice to make.
Leaving an ILIASM shithole is a perfectly valid choice too.
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Doing nothing is likewise, a perfectly valid choice as well.
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All these choices have their up and downsides, and you full well know those up / down sides to the "staying" / "doing nothing" choices, as you are living them and have been for quite a while.
The results of your choice are in the scorebook, and by your own story, the results - whilst sub-optimal - are satisfactory enough, or line ball enough, for you to persevere with that "staying" / "doing nothing" choice for the moment.
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If your dynamic is to change, that is probably only going to come from a change in your thinking, and those other options (all perfectly legitimate options) coming under your serious consideration.
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Post by csl on Nov 22, 2016 17:57:51 GMT -5
I don't think I've seen this expressed on ILIASM, but I do have one other option that I recommend on my blog. In essence, make the marriage intolerable for the Refuser. After all, the Refuser has made the marriage intolerable for you, but why should you be the one to go?
I've written about destroying facades of good marriages by letting folks know that the marriage is pretty much crap. The Refuser likes the facade of a good marriage without the obligations, but my advice is to shake things up, break up the logjam.
Divorce is not an option? Cool.
Cheating not an option? Cool.
"Suck it up, Buttercup" doesn't have be the option of last resort.
I do know of a man who made it so uncomfortable for his wife that she chose a sexless divorce over her marriage of 20+ years. But he didn't divorce.
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Post by baza on Nov 22, 2016 18:13:24 GMT -5
Yep.
Behaving abominably in the hope of casting the spouse out under their own steam is yet another perfectly valid choice, as Brother csl observes.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 22, 2016 18:42:14 GMT -5
I don't think I've seen this expressed on ILIASM, but I do have one other option that I recommend on my blog. In essence, make the marriage intolerable for the Refuser. After all, the Refuser has made the marriage intolerable for you, but why should you be the one to go? I've written about destroying facades of good marriages by letting folks know that the marriage is pretty much crap. The Refuser likes the facade of a good marriage without the obligations, but my advice is to shake things up, break up the logjam. Divorce is not an option? Cool. Cheating not an option? Cool. "Suck it up, Buttercup" doesn't have be the option of last resort. I do know of a man who made it so uncomfortable for his wife that she chose a sexless divorce over her marriage of 20+ years. But he didn't divorce. I had an episode like that. When the wife and I were seeing our therapist (under the presumption that she wanted to save our marriage) she pulled out a typed contract wanting me to agree to leaving the house for a month so I could see what it is like without her, and we could then negotiate when I came back. It had strings attached, she still needed me to pick up and drop off the kids at there scheduled events. ( the therapists was ticked off, he called it two steps backwards) I read it, kept it, so I could always have a copy of it, and said, " NO...you leave for a month instead. You continue to pay the bills on line, I will continue to feed everyone, buy the groceries, run the kids everywhere, take care of your daddy, run the house, take kids to doctors, church, classes,activities, maintain the rental properties, etc... we will be just fine while you are gone". That ended that. It did however expose the truth. Never mind the fact that it would have set me up for abandonment, for who keeps the house. |
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Post by csl on Nov 22, 2016 22:24:59 GMT -5
I don't think I've seen this expressed on ILIASM, but I do have one other option that I recommend on my blog. In essence, make the marriage intolerable for the Refuser. After all, the Refuser has made the marriage intolerable for you, but why should you be the one to go? I've written about destroying facades of good marriages by letting folks know that the marriage is pretty much crap. The Refuser likes the facade of a good marriage without the obligations, but my advice is to shake things up, break up the logjam. Divorce is not an option? Cool. Cheating not an option? Cool. "Suck it up, Buttercup" doesn't have be the option of last resort. I do know of a man who made it so uncomfortable for his wife that she chose a sexless divorce over her marriage of 20+ years. But he didn't divorce. I had an episode like that. When the wife and I were seeing our therapist (under the presumption that she wanted to save our marriage) she pulled out a typed contract wanting me to agree to leaving the house for a month so I could see what it is like without her, and we could then negotiate when I came back. It had strings attached, she still needed me to pick up and drop off the kids at there scheduled events. ( the therapists was ticked off, he called it two steps backwards) I read it, kept it, so I could always have a copy of it, and said, " NO...you leave for a month instead. You continue to pay the bills on line, I will continue to feed everyone, buy the groceries, run the kids everywhere, take care of your daddy, run the house, take kids to doctors, church, classes,activities, maintain the rental properties, etc... we will be just fine while you are gone". That ended that. It did however expose the truth. Never mind the fact that it would have set me up for abandonment, for who keeps the house. Did I understand you, in previous posts, to say you and your wife were church-attenders? Is so, copies of that contract should have been in the mailbox of the pastor and deacons the next day. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 23, 2016 3:20:17 GMT -5
Arthur, I hope you come back. You may be feeling like I did, like ten years ago, when I found my first outlet to ask about a sexless marriage. The responses I got terrified me, I wasn't ready to hear them, I felt I had betrayed my sexless marriage by opening up for help.........I read some replies, then deleted my account and a few years (wasted, mind you) went by before I started to believe what I had been told in those first replies. No one's here to judge......only to help. You are in a situation that needs support. I hope you come back.
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Post by csl on Nov 23, 2016 16:48:03 GMT -5
Yep. Behaving abominably in the hope of casting the spouse out under their own steam is yet another perfectly valid choice, as Brother csl observes. In my own defense, let me add that I am not advocating loud burping and peein' on the couch.  Instead, I mean poke the bear, clang pots and pans around the sleeping dogs, and generally make yourself an annoyance. Someone just wrote here today about slowing down on the way home in order to delay arriving at home. I'll top that with a guy I knew who said he had to drink Pepto-Bismol in order to go home after a day's work. I'm saying that you become such a pest about the sexless state of your marriage that SHE has to be the one to take the Pepto in order to face your return. On my blog, one of my shop-worn phrases is "All long as the status remains quo, you'll keep your status quo." I advocate militantly destroying the quo that makes the Refuser's life so comfortable. But if peein' on your couch works for you, who am I to gainsay you. |
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Post by baza on Nov 23, 2016 20:18:00 GMT -5
Must admit, that since Feb 2009 to now, I've not seen anyone give a firsthand story of trialing this poor behaviour technique.
If it works, then I'd be all for it.
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In ILIASM deals, destroying the status quo, is a key component of forcing the dysfunctional situation to resolution. That's a good thing.
Invariably in ILIASM deals, that means ending the relationship. That's not necessarily a bad thing.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2016 23:16:41 GMT -5
I was 47 when I found myself three months without. Now I'm 55 and I'm 8 years without. Don't be me. It's shocking how fast the days, months, then years sail by......and the damage to your health and well-being is VERY real, especially the mental stuff. PROCEED WITH CAUTION, and make sure the poppies don't put you to sleep. There are better days sometimes. Today was better because I was very busy at work and no time to think about my feelings. It's usually at night when it gets to me. Thanks for your advice. |
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