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Post by csl on Nov 25, 2016 7:18:06 GMT -5
And this is why she has no motivation to change. There are no repercussions for her actions; she can safely act with autonomy. If one is not willing to provide consequences, sexlessness looks more like a choice. "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got." ~ Henry Ford "If the status remains quo, you will always have the status quo." ~ me, the Curmudgeonly Librarian. |
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Post by petrushka on Nov 25, 2016 7:19:18 GMT -5
Yeah, well JonDoe - some people are unwilling or unable. Or too stupid, or intent on strife ... I am sorry for your sakes. I prefer to avoid such people, not have them in my life at all. Some people try to learn, some reject learning, that is my personal experience of it. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 27, 2016 8:17:54 GMT -5
Your situation is slightly unusual here in that you had 10 months sexless, then a year of good regular sex, then 3 months with nothing again. Do you know why? Is there an issue in your marriage that you are not talking about, is she punishing you for something, is there something going on with her that is causing her to pull back. Telling her she needs to have sex with you is a risky move - she might get angry and pull further away and it might create a gap that is just too hard to bridge. On the other hand, there is a risk that if you do nothing 3 months will turn into a year and at that point you are really in trouble. Maybe you can talk to her about your marriage in general and how you are both feeling about it, rather than diving straight into complaining about sex. There is an issue in my marriage but it it does not warrant complete shutdown of intimacy. We argue and fight sometimes like every couple but with her it very difficult to get over things. We are already over the issue, seemingly, we hold hands when we walk somewhere and we talk about different things etc. The problem is that she drew the line and I can't cross it. Like I said we had this before when we do everything together but sex is out of the question. It drives me nuts. My mood goes up and down and she can also be very moody. I still have hope but it is becoming more difficult as time goes by. I'm aware that I cannot rush things and l try to subtly suggest some closeness. Today the weather was crappy and I know her mood can be down so I got her flowers. Her favorite, roses. For you, sex has become purely transactional. A most peculiar form of prostitution. In normal prostitution you offer payment and get sex in return. A prostitute that demands and accepts payment without delivering the services won't stay in business very long. But in your peculiar deal, you pay and pay and pay. In the meantime she delivers less and less and less. Eventually she delivers nothing, ever, yet you continue paying in hopes she will change her mind and deliver. But she knows that delivery is unnecessary. You've trained her to get that. Although peculiar it is certainly common here. I went through it too. Until I left her. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 27, 2016 8:40:18 GMT -5
I'm not even sure if I should be here. I love my wife and very attracted to her but we have not been intimate for 3 plus months. We had a problem with one of our extended family member and this did not help. However, the problem is that she can hold grudges for a long time. I am a very devoted husband and father, doing everything I can to help with the kids, housework etc. and work long hours. In the past we had long stretches (months) of time without sex and the latest was about 10 months but I was suffering. She on the other hand just seem to have cruised along with no intimacy. I tried to initiate a few times but every time I tried, I was shut down. I was in hell. I was getting depressed and started to take antidepressants and felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper. Then we had a great time for about a year, lots of sex and things were looking up. But now we are going down the same road again and I'm afraid it will be like before with a long stretch. She absolutely ignores my advances and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. I cry at night sometimes and have not slept a good night sleep for about 2 month now. I miss her so much but I also fear her rejection. I have solo sex now and a lot of the times I think of her when doing it. I probably should not complain here as I can see my life is not the worst but it is good to know that I'm not the only one who thinks sex is very important to a fulfilling life. I'm in my late 40s and afraid that she will not want it anymore or even less. Just the thought of not knowing if and when we'll be intimate again is extremely depressing. It's like waiting for something that may never come. I feel deprived and rejected. I do not think divorce is a solution and I do not want to cheat either and I think this is why it make it so difficult for me. I have never thought that I 'd be this depressed from lack of sex but I also have never thought this is this common. I wonder if our wife's are related. |
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