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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 12:47:54 GMT -5
Avoidant spouses are often (although not always) pretty good communicators. As Brother Wingman notes - "when she puts on the 15 year old flannel pajamas with 20 year old flannel bathrobe. That just screams 'Not Tonight'!"It is a crystal clear message, and requires not a single word to get the message across. - The overt yawning and claims of exhaustion on the way home after a party is likewise a very clear message. - These sort of things come under the heading of "Pre-emptive Refusal". Broadly, the excuse / refusal is done in advance of any thoughts you may have to request a fuck. - There are many variations on the theme, for example "Pick a fight" is a good one. In this one the avoidant spouse picks a fight with you, and works you into a state where you wouldn't want to root her, even with a borrowed dick. Or the "Get Drunk and Pass Out" technique, pretty self explanatory. - It'll be interesting to see the variations on the theme in the comments here. But generally, they'll all come under "Pre-emptive Refusal" - Basically though, avoidant spouses are usually pretty good communicators at transmitting what they don't want. Sometimes they ain't so crash hot in the reception part of communication though (the bit where you express what you want). Interesting and very true observations baza I know I have been a victim of all those tactics. Do you believe (for me, but maybe not true for everyone) that there may be an order that refuser's use? I mean at first, my spouse used the "being nice and just saying 'not tonight'". Then when I said it had been a long time, we began to negotiate how often (once a week became twice a month became once a month became birthday and anniversary) and because those dates were marked on a calendar she brought out your "Pick a fight" theme on those dates to preemptively refuse. I would be so pissed about the fight and the bullshit premise of just doing it to get out of sex that I would not want to touch her if her life depended on it. Now we are back at the platonic friendship that she is happy with. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 20, 2016 13:51:51 GMT -5
I know these days that sex is off the menu by his presence. If he's here, there will be no sex! That sounds painfully familiar. |
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 20, 2016 13:55:53 GMT -5
My ex had back problems but he especially complained about his back if he suspected I might want sex then I'd see him squatting down to warm up the pitcher for baseball and that's when I started connecting the dots.
Bottom line people either know how to enjoy sex or they don't, they either want and desire you sexually or they don't. He didn't and for me that was unacceptable in marriage.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 20, 2016 14:01:51 GMT -5
Don't forget the children. Always need your spouses attention, up until the last second, even when your spouse is in bed, they want the kids to come and tell them goodnight. As they get older, they come in the room to bring you the wife's only key and leave it in the room.
I'll bring up my classic. Grandpa might hear us. The same 84 yr old man who takes out his hearing aids, and teeth every night around 9:00pm.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 16:58:08 GMT -5
Even if I came to bed 30 seconds later she would claim to be already asleep, and I was a jerk if I pushed the issue. On the flip side, if I beat her to bed, she always stayed up for hours to avoid what she surmised to be my attempted advances. Boy, do I know this tactic! In the 3 minutes it takes to brush my teeth she can go from playing on her phone to lights-out, "I'm nearly asleep." DC, you bring up a good point, albeit probably unintentionally. Playing on their phones. Seriously, if we're engaged in something together, whether the game is on, a movie, dinner, etc: put the fucking phone down. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 20, 2016 17:09:27 GMT -5
Boy, do I know this tactic! In the 3 minutes it takes to brush my teeth she can go from playing on her phone to lights-out, "I'm nearly asleep." DC, you bring up a good point, albeit probably unintentionally. Playing on their phones. Seriously, if we're engaged in something together, whether the game is on, a movie, dinner, etc: put the fucking phone down. I have endured years of right after dinner, (prepared and cleaned up by me) straight to the recliner, with her Ipad. She has the nerve to say " all you have to do is speak to me and I will listen, or ask me to do something and I will answer you." We all know what the answer is , a manipulative "no", with some twisted, selfish, logic. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 17:18:30 GMT -5
DC, you bring up a good point, albeit probably unintentionally. Playing on their phones. Seriously, if we're engaged in something together, whether the game is on, a movie, dinner, etc: put the fucking phone down. I have endured years of right after dinner, (prepared and cleaned up by me) straight to the recliner, with her Ipad. She has the nerve to say " all you have to do is speak to me and I will listen, or ask me to do something and I will answer you." We all know what the answer is , a manipulative "no", with some twisted, selfish, logic. That makes my blood boil. My husband does the cooking. I am grateful for this and show it by saying thank you and cleaning up. Admittedly after clean up, we may both fart around on our phones for a bit, but if he's talking to me, my phone gets set down. It terrible to have to compete with electronics. |
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 20, 2016 17:37:40 GMT -5
DC, you bring up a good point, albeit probably unintentionally. Playing on their phones. Yes. And 2 facets to this: As you say, don't try to multitask me. I will give you 100% of my attention, and I expect the same. And if you walk up to me in the middle of something I can't stop at the moment, I will apologize and explain why. (Like customer hair-on-fire issues being worked.) The other is... W has an app that tracks her daily participation. In exchange for a worthless badge of a "year-plus perfect record", she will guarantee to spend the 15 minutes a day on it, often staying up just past midnight so she can ensure the next day's coverage. If only her partner-for-life deserved that much of her time. (Yeah, I've called her on it more than once.) I'm sure others see similar things with Facebook, Twitter, fantasy sports, etc. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 20, 2016 17:42:10 GMT -5
I have endured years of right after dinner, (prepared and cleaned up by me) straight to the recliner, with her Ipad. She has the nerve to say " all you have to do is speak to me and I will listen, or ask me to do something and I will answer you." We all know what the answer is , a manipulative "no", with some twisted, selfish, logic. That makes my blood boil. My husband does the cooking. I am grateful for this and show it by saying thank you and cleaning up. Admittedly after clean up, we may both fart around on our phones for a bit, but if he's talking to me, my phone gets set down. It terrible to have to compete with electronics. Yea, their twisted, manipulative logic again. they sit down for the entire night with a screen in their hand, (sometimes changing into there sexless dull PJ's) sending a clear message, "done for the day". Oh they might put the screen down in there lap for a moment, but then comes the typical, avoidance, manipulation, rhetoric, where they aint gettin' out of that chair! However, in my case, let her daddy, (the intruder) show any signs of failing health or need assistance for trival selfish things, and watch the tired, exhausted spouse jump to her feet. Knowing this will be behind me in a year, is comforting, even being totally alone is more comforting. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 17:50:51 GMT -5
It's hard to even remember back that far.......first of all, if it wasn't Friday night after her show ended at 10pm, it was off the menu anyway, so that really helped me to stay focused all week......... blech ........
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Post by solodriver on Nov 20, 2016 18:42:05 GMT -5
Nothing. Celibacy is a condition that I am obligated to as long as I want to stay in the house. Well, possibly an occasional last minute before bed recital of all of my shortcomings. You and I must be married to sisters who haven't met yet! |
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Post by solodriver on Nov 20, 2016 18:44:55 GMT -5
Boy, do I know this tactic! In the 3 minutes it takes to brush my teeth she can go from playing on her phone to lights-out, "I'm nearly asleep." DC, you bring up a good point, albeit probably unintentionally. Playing on their phones. Seriously, if we're engaged in something together, whether the game is on, a movie, dinner, etc: put the fucking phone down. Now there's a new app for your cell phone - fucking!
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Post by solodriver on Nov 20, 2016 18:52:34 GMT -5
I have endured years of right after dinner, (prepared and cleaned up by me) straight to the recliner, with her Ipad. She has the nerve to say " all you have to do is speak to me and I will listen, or ask me to do something and I will answer you." We all know what the answer is , a manipulative "no", with some twisted, selfish, logic. That makes my blood boil. My husband does the cooking. I am grateful for this and show it by saying thank you and cleaning up. Admittedly after clean up, we may both fart around on our phones for a bit, but if he's talking to me, my phone gets set down. It terrible to have to compete with electronics. When we went out for our anniversary dinner this year, she spent the entire time on her iPhone on the drive over, at the restaurant except when she was eating and on the way home. I felt so loved, appreciated, romanced and desired.
I was so hurt that when I went to bed that night I just couldn't stop the tears.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 19:15:00 GMT -5
That makes my blood boil. My husband does the cooking. I am grateful for this and show it by saying thank you and cleaning up. Admittedly after clean up, we may both fart around on our phones for a bit, but if he's talking to me, my phone gets set down. It terrible to have to compete with electronics. When we went out for our anniversary dinner this year, she spent the entire time on her iPhone on the drive over, at the restaurant except when she was eating and on the way home. I felt so loved, appreciated, romanced and desired.
I was so hurt that when I went to bed that night I just couldn't stop the tears.
Hugs, my friend. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 19:51:08 GMT -5
Don't forget the children. Always need your spouses attention, up until the last second, even when your spouse is in bed, they want the kids to come and tell them goodnight. As they get older, they come in the room to bring you the wife's only key and leave it in the room. I'll bring up my classic. Grandpa might hear us. The same 84 yr old man who takes out his hearing aids, and teeth every night around 9:00pm. A definite classic!! It is funny that we could do it in the same room as our kids were young and sleeping (when she was interested) and we were on vacation, but now if the kids have not gone to sleep or company is using the guest bedroom (different floor and opposite side of the house) it is an automatic, "not tonight someone may hear us!" |
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