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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2016 22:07:41 GMT -5
She has some sexy bed time outfits, but when she puts on the 15 year old flannel pajamas with 20 year old flannel bathrobe. That just screams 'Not Tonight'!
(some thread had the flannel motif already, sorry I could not find it)
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Post by baza on Nov 19, 2016 22:13:20 GMT -5
Avoidant spouses are often (although not always) pretty good communicators.
As Brother Wingman notes - "when she puts on the 15 year old flannel pajamas with 20 year old flannel bathrobe. That just screams 'Not Tonight'!"
It is a crystal clear message, and requires not a single word to get the message across.
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The overt yawning and claims of exhaustion on the way home after a party is likewise a very clear message.
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These sort of things come under the heading of "Pre-emptive Refusal".
Broadly, the excuse / refusal is done in advance of any thoughts you may have to request a fuck.
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There are many variations on the theme, for example "Pick a fight" is a good one. In this one the avoidant spouse picks a fight with you, and works you into a state where you wouldn't want to root her, even with a borrowed dick.
Or the "Get Drunk and Pass Out" technique, pretty self explanatory.
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It'll be interesting to see the variations on the theme in the comments here.
But generally, they'll all come under "Pre-emptive Refusal"
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Basically though, avoidant spouses are usually pretty good communicators at transmitting what they don't want.
Sometimes they ain't so crash hot in the reception part of communication though (the bit where you express what you want).
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 19, 2016 23:07:37 GMT -5
On my birthday/ anniversary/ Valentine's Day, it was always just a passing, "too bad/ sorry you're not getting any tonight/ it's not happening/ not gonna happen" at some point early on in the evening.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 20, 2016 1:59:51 GMT -5
"Goodnight", she says, as she rolls over to face away.
Anything more overt would require acknowledging that sex is a thing. Birthday / anniversary / holiday / vacation sex is apparently also a foreign concept.
Nope, it can only happen randomly, such that one can never identify the triggering event...
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Post by Rhapsodee on Nov 20, 2016 2:28:03 GMT -5
He talks in great detail how hard he works. He says every one wants a piece of him. He has no time for himself. He needs down time. He says that needy people and demanding people have to learn to wait to get what they want. "If you keep after me about something, I'm inclined to not do it. Let me surprise you."
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 20, 2016 8:17:21 GMT -5
He talks in great detail how hard he works. He says every one wants a piece of him. He has no time for himself. He needs down time. He says that needy people and demanding people have to learn to wait to get what they want. "If you keep after me about something, I'm inclined to not do it. Let me surprise you." Sounds a bit like my wife, except the surprise never comes, ever. She tries telling me that she is in constant motion from the time she wakes up until the time she lays down in bed at night, and she believes it. However, she doesn't count the hour she takes for herself to drink coffee and watch TV every morning, or the two to three hours she drinks wine, watches TV and chats with girlfriends via Facebook, text messages and phone calls every night, or the chick-flick marathons, romance novels and two hour naps she takes on Saturdays and Sundays. As you can see, she really has is rough, and clearly has no time or energy for sex. How selfish of me to think otherwise. |
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Post by timeisfleeting on Nov 20, 2016 8:32:35 GMT -5
What are you talking about?
There is something other than flannel (or some other flugly thing) to wear to bed?
Oh yes, those silky expensive sexy little things that I gave her through the years. Probably threw them out.
'Not tonight' is every night, every year...nothing to avoid...
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 20, 2016 8:46:38 GMT -5
What are you talking about? There is something other than flannel (or some other flugly thing) to wear to bed? Oh yes, those silky expensive sexy little things that I gave her through the years. Probably threw them out. 'Not tonight' is every night, every year...nothing to avoid... My wife once asked me in a nasty tone of voice "How many other wives are wearing sexy things for their husbands?" I calmly responded with "Considering intimate apparel is only a ten billion dollar industry in the USA, clearly not many. Victoria's Secret is doomed." |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 20, 2016 10:07:40 GMT -5
Nothing. Celibacy is a condition that I am obligated to as long as I want to stay in the house.
Well, possibly an occasional last minute before bed recital of all of my shortcomings.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 11:20:29 GMT -5
Nothing. After two and a half years of no touch other than an occasional hug and kiss goodbye, nothing is the not-so-new normal.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 11:42:32 GMT -5
Another way I would know (earlier in our marriage) is when she would come to bed and she put a lip balm on her lips.
I would want to kiss her goodnight and she would say "It's too late I already put my lip balm on!"
Like there was a F***ing statute of limitations on kissing goodnight and lip balm was it. We fought like crazy for at least a year over the "just kiss me and put the lip balm on again".
It got to the point where the kiss (if she was persuaded) was like kissing a dead fish, so I finally just gave up. That and who would want to kiss someone that constantly rejects your advances.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 12:06:01 GMT -5
He talks in great detail how hard he works. He says every one wants a piece of him. He has no time for himself. He needs down time. He says that needy people and demanding people have to learn to wait to get what they want. "If you keep after me about something, I'm inclined to not do it. Let me surprise you." Sounds a bit like my wife, except the surprise never comes, ever. She tries telling me that she is in constant motion from the time she wakes up until the time she lays down in bed at night, and she believes it. However, she doesn't count the hour she takes for herself to drink coffee and watch TV every morning, or the two to three hours she drinks wine, watches TV and chats with girlfriends via Facebook, text messages and phone calls every night, or the chick-flick marathons, romance novels and two hour naps she takes on Saturdays and Sundays. As you can see, she really has is rough, and clearly has no time or energy for sex. How selfish of me to think otherwise. My SO would always tells me she "ran her ass off at work" and "did not even have time for lunch". She was the one who turned in first, usually by sneaking upstairs, getting into bed before me, and turning off the bedroom lights. That was it. Even if I came to bed 30 seconds later she would claim to be already asleep, and I was a jerk if I pushed the issue. On the flip side, if I beat her to bed, she always stayed up for hours to avoid what she surmised to be my attempted advances. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 12:11:52 GMT -5
Another way I would know (earlier in our marriage) is when she would come to bed and she put a lip balm on her lips. I would want to kiss her goodnight and she would say "It's too late I already put my lip balm on!" Like there was a F***ing statute of limitations on kissing goodnight and lip balm was it. We fought like crazy for at least a year over the "just kiss me and put the lip balm on again". It got to the point where the kiss (if she was persuaded) was like kissing a dead fish, so I finally just gave up. That and who would want to kiss someone that constantly rejects your advances. My husband LOATHES my lip gloss. He calls it goop, and I'm addicted to it. I got tired of him wiping his lips like a little boy after I kissed him. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 20, 2016 12:15:44 GMT -5
Yeah he would never come near me if any lip attire was present.
I know these days that sex is off the menu by his presence. If he's here, there will be no sex!
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 20, 2016 12:46:58 GMT -5
Even if I came to bed 30 seconds later she would claim to be already asleep, and I was a jerk if I pushed the issue. On the flip side, if I beat her to bed, she always stayed up for hours to avoid what she surmised to be my attempted advances. Boy, do I know this tactic! In the 3 minutes it takes to brush my teeth she can go from playing on her phone to lights-out, "I'm nearly asleep." |
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