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Post by callisto on Nov 3, 2016 1:57:31 GMT -5
Another night of sleeplessness.. Wrestling around the walls of my mindful, mindless dungeon .. How can it be this hard to leave when you know exactly what's in store if you don't? Manacles strapped on by myself.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2016 2:09:10 GMT -5
Well one thing I can say, leaving won't necessarily cure your insomnia LOL.
Let us enjoy the sharing of our nocturnal hell. The moonlit march of the forgotten zombies, the fellowship of the damned, the shuffling procession of dazed golems...Orbs! Bards! Fates! Cry! For England cry! Onward! Ever onward, ever in our deaf orgiastic dance!
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Post by Caris on Nov 3, 2016 11:43:12 GMT -5
Phin is right. I thought leaving would at least rid me of insomnia, but it hasn't. It has improved, and I get an hour or two more sleep, so I'm thankful for that at least.
It's so hard to leave because you are leaving your life as you know it. That's a huge investment of your time, energy, and finances. It's also the end of a hope and a dream that we could have the marriage we wanted and worked for. Your home, your way of life...even if it wasn't a good life, it's still yours, and the one you've been living. It's extremely hard to let that go. Don't beat yourself up. We've all been through it. Hugs.
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Post by callisto on Nov 3, 2016 15:00:02 GMT -5
Caris and Phin,
I don't expect leaving to cure sleeplessness but the reality is my mind has been so hyped that it has caused insomnia -wakes me constantly toiling over and over and over. Yawn, I even bore myself!
Thanks for your good wishes C and your armies of
zzZZ-ed head zombies P....
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 3, 2016 20:01:56 GMT -5
I actually did start sleeping better once my X had moved to her new place. The tension I felt constantly as my desire for her and for the life I had expected us to have and enjoy lessened without the constant reminder of her presence. I still have a sleepless night once in a while but nothing like what I experienced the last yr. we were together.
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Post by baza on Nov 3, 2016 20:37:08 GMT -5
Two pretty immediate things happened after I left.
My insomnia improved a heap, so did my eczema.
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Anyway, you are right to have a healthy level of fear about getting out Sister callisto.
A healthy level of fear.
These things are not to be approached with levity or a devil may care attitude.
Nor are they best approached with a mindset of fear and trepidation.
It is serious shit.
A serious mindset is required.
And preparation - and plenty of it.
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Post by Caris on Nov 4, 2016 15:55:43 GMT -5
Dear insomniac friends, @phinheasgage, Caris, baza I agree with you, leaving a sexless marriage will improve many things in your life! Sleep deprivation unfortunately it's not one of them... Fear not though - physical exercise, even being moderately active such as making at least 10K steps every day - as well as lots and lots of magnesium will help you with that! First week of taking >400mg Magnesium supplements fortified with B vitamins and you'll see the difference... Chemistry that works. callisto: to get back to you...and your major problem at hand... Yes, counter-intuitively, the hardest thing to do, is to liberate yourself from a self-imposed prison. In a situation of duality such as ours, we are our own worst enemy, don't you think? How one can fight against oneself and not be in a Straitjacket? ;-) Let me ask you a question that helped me back in the day: "What do you think is the number one emotion holding you back?" My two biggest emotions that used to hold me back were: - fear of change. - feeling selfish for leaving him. You don't have to answer to me... Take your time to really think it through... More often than not, the root cause of any dilemma is something that disguises itself for another more conventional and generally accepted ideal... Just food for thought... Thefiery, Working out never helped with my insomnia, though it may help some. However, last night I slept a full 7-hours for the first time in years. I don't know if it's my new way of living (or I should say eating), but I started the IF (intermittent fasting) last Sunday, and while the first 4-days were hard, yesterday and today are much easier, and I got 7-hours sleep. Whether it's just an anomaly, I don't know. I'll have to see how it goes as I continue with the IF. |
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Post by ted on Nov 4, 2016 23:02:22 GMT -5
[....] Let me ask you a question that helped me back in the day: "What do you think is the number one emotion holding you back?" My two biggest emotions that used to hold me back were: - fear of change. - feeling selfish for leaving him. , once you identified these two, what did you do to address them, or at least to stop them from holding you back? |
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Post by callisto on Nov 5, 2016 4:27:53 GMT -5
Fiery,
You posit a very, very good question.
'What is it that is holding you back, you person in an SM?'
You, a passionate, visceral creature yet virtually celibate your entire eleven year marriage, you who has suffered resentment, hurt, low self-worth, hideous self image, depression, loneliness. Why on earth can't you leave?
The answer is as simple as it is complex. One word, 'love'.
After over a decade I wiped my eyes and scraped my self up from the floor, finished grieving for the, 'marriage proper'. I looked across the kitchen at the man I had married and realised I no longer felt any resentment nor antipathy.
Husband,
- my best friend, my dearest,
- my family, my closest compadre
I admire you, your sense of self,
I respect your free mind,
your independent spirit.
Your being in this world.
Your commitment and love for me,
Your intelligence, your wit,
Your humour, your conversation.
You're not swayed by popular opinion, you don't answer to demand.
You know what you want and you do it exactly when you want.
I always know where to find you
I know you will be there for me through seas and mists,
Though embattled by mental and physical ailments you stand strong.
It near breaks my heart thinking of life without you.
It is love that holds me back.
Yet it is the lack of love that propels me.
By staying I consign my self to a physical wasteland,
devoid of intimacy, desire and touch.
I sacrifice all hope of sensuality,
I eviscerate my remaining sexuality,
I will shrivel to a stick- stuck- dried- date, date-less...
Choked and chokered by love.
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Post by baza on Nov 5, 2016 5:16:53 GMT -5
Something to consider.
In my jurisdiction, The Australian Family Law Act of 1975 legislated citizens rights to a no fault divorce.
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Nowhere in the act is there a condition that you have to hate the spouse.
You are free to love them, feel indifferent about them or hate them, or pity them or whatever else you like. Before, during and after the process
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You are not required stop loving them after the divorce. Nor are you required to start hating them after the divorce.
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Divorcing is either in your longer term best interests, or it ain't.
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Plenty of divorced people still love their former spouses.
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Post by callisto on Nov 5, 2016 12:21:20 GMT -5
Baz,
My emotional balloon cinched me vertically yet again.
Thank you for attempting to catch my heels before I headed back to black and white Kansas!
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Post by unmatched on Nov 6, 2016 0:13:45 GMT -5
I remember a conversation with my wife a few months back when we first started counselling and were talking about divorce. I said I would still love her and want to be friends if we split up. She felt that meant I didn't 'really' love her, and thought for her it would be too hard. I thought if she felt that way it meant she was more interested in the marriage than she was in me. I think we have both changed our perspective somewhat since then. But I do feel that if you wouldn't want to be close to someone after you separated, then you probably have no business staying married to them.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 6, 2016 6:54:12 GMT -5
I remember a conversation with my wife a few months back when we first started counselling and were talking about divorce. I said I would still love her and want to be friends if we split up. She felt that meant I didn't 'really' love her, and thought for her it would be too hard. I thought if she felt that way it meant she was more interested in the marriage than she was in me. I think we have both changed our perspective somewhat since then. But I do feel that if you wouldn't want to be close to someone after you separated, then you probably have no business staying married to them. I find it easier just now to separate the idea of loving my Ex from interacting with him. I used to joke the best thing I ever did for my relationship with my mom was move 120 miles away. It's accurate besides funny. (I can get back quickly in case of emergency but we aren't "all up in each other's bizness" at all.) The best thing I ever did for my relationship with me was get a divorce. It's only been around 1 year physically apart & only 8-9 months legally divorced. We text but not much. I still send humor on FB. I don't see him in person much though. Right now, that's good. I love him. I spent more of my life with him than w/o him. I'll always love him. But that doesn't mean it is healthy for me to stay married to him. I agree that if you wouldn't stay friends then you REALLY shouldn't stay married. |
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Post by callisto on Nov 7, 2016 0:11:10 GMT -5
Damn,
Awake again at four in the morning after series of vague nightmares with what I am beginning to recognise as unexpurgated fear in the pit of my stomach-
I am most scared that my husband will actually acquiesce to my wishes when I talk to him, that he will turn his back on me and let me leave...I realise I don't want him to let me go, the thought terrifies me.
How sick and cowardly is my mind?
Is this the root cause of my indecision and inability
to leave?
How will I beat this fear? Maybe I am going to have to decide to stay and remain celibate after all ...
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Post by baza on Nov 7, 2016 0:36:36 GMT -5
Well, ILIASM shitholes fuck with ones head, gets one thinking weird shit, gets one making uninformed choices that feed back in to the dysfunctional loop.
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So, to a large extent, your thinking is pretty warped at this point. How could it be otherwise ? You've been in, and still are in, an environment that is tailor made to fuck your thinking.
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Would you concede that you don't actually HAVE to "beat this fear" ?
Might it be possible to work on a basis of "managing" the fear ?
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