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Post by unmatched on Nov 7, 2016 1:03:20 GMT -5
Damn, Awake again at four in the morning after series of vague nightmares with what I am beginning to recognise as unexpurgated fear in the pit of my stomach- I am most scared that my husband will actually acquiesce to my wishes when I talk to him, that he will turn his back on me and let me leave...I realise I don't want him to let me go, the thought terrifies me. How sick and cowardly is my mind? Is this the root cause of my indecision and inability to leave? How will I beat this fear? Maybe I am going to have to decide to stay and remain celibate after all ... I know it feels like shit but you are in a good place. You are now taking it seriously. This is never going to be easy and it is important to know what you are doing and why. Maybe it would help to spend a lot of time over the next week thinking about what a life without your husband might look like. And make it an honest picture, not just a best case scenario. I think once you can see yourself single in your head and it feels better than being where you are, that is where you find the strength to move forward. |
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Post by callisto on Nov 7, 2016 1:08:55 GMT -5
Oh I don't know Baz..
if my ultimate fear is that I actually succeed in leaving surely my exit plan is strategically and fatally flawed.
- So tired and brain dead, beginning to wish I would be carted off somewhere for the weak and feeble minded but inexplicably, I seem to keep on functioning in everyday life despite all this crap so no one is going to give me a reprieve -especially not my warped self.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2016 1:29:49 GMT -5
Oh I don't know Baz.. if my ultimate fear is that I actually succeed in leaving surely my exit plan is strategically and fatally flawed. - So tired and brain dead, beginning to wish I would be carted off somewhere for the weak and feeble minded but inexplicably, I seem to keep on functioning in everyday life despite all this crap so no one is going to give me a reprieve -especially not my warped self. It is very hurtful when someone doesn't fight for you. That's how it would feel if he just said ok bye. Like he didn't consider you worth fighting for. You're not weak at all. That's a very real and normal fear. And yes you can't win. If they cling, you pull your hair out. If they are apathetic about you leaving, that is hurtful. No wonder so many people can't face it. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2016 1:38:40 GMT -5
1:30am AP meltdown. 3 1/2 years and it just gets worse. Sometimes I want to tell her. But she'd either be glad or it would reinforce her belief that she deserves to be punished. I wonder if she still has my shirt. I still have her collar.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 7, 2016 11:34:16 GMT -5
Oh I don't know Baz.. if my ultimate fear is that I actually succeed in leaving surely my exit plan is strategically and fatally flawed. - So tired and brain dead, beginning to wish I would be carted off somewhere for the weak and feeble minded but inexplicably, I seem to keep on functioning in everyday life despite all this crap so no one is going to give me a reprieve -especially not my warped self. It is very hurtful when someone doesn't fight for you. That's how it would feel if he just said ok bye. Like he didn't consider you worth fighting for. You're not weak at all. That's a very real and normal fear. And yes you can't win. If they cling, you pull your hair out. If they are apathetic about you leaving, that is hurtful. No wonder so many people can't face it. Why is there no room for the idea that our spouse mutually agrees the marriage isn't salvageable? We're allowed that idea but it's hurtful if they feel the same? Honestly I don't get it. I wish my spouse had mutually agreed rather than emotionally implode as she has. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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Post by callisto on Nov 7, 2016 12:56:05 GMT -5
1:30am AP meltdown. 3 1/2 years and it just gets worse. Sometimes I want to tell her. But she'd either be glad or it would reinforce her belief that she deserves to be punished. I wonder if she still has my shirt. I still have her collar. Sorry for being clueless but what is an AP? Alternative psyche/ additional pyjamas/ altruistic persona/ attentive parent ? Thanks for the comments in the night(well it was night in my part of the world) Phin. I think I will have to time my 'talk'', if that's what I end up having at a moment when I'm not sleep deprived and gazing straight into the abyss. |
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Post by callisto on Nov 7, 2016 13:11:09 GMT -5
Damn, Awake again at four in the morning after series of vague nightmares with what I am beginning to recognise as unexpurgated fear in the pit of my stomach- I am most scared that my husband will actually acquiesce to my wishes when I talk to him, that he will turn his back on me and let me leave...I realise I don't want him to let me go, the thought terrifies me. How sick and cowardly is my mind? Is this the root cause of my indecision and inability to leave? How will I beat this fear? Maybe I am going to have to decide to stay and remain celibate after all ... I know it feels like shit but you are in a good place. You are now taking it seriously. This is never going to be easy and it is important to know what you are doing and why. Maybe it would help to spend a lot of time over the next week thinking about what a life without your husband might look like. And make it an honest picture, not just a best case scenario. I think once you can see yourself single in your head and it feels better than being where you are, that is where you find the strength to move forward. Thank you for the support Unmatched- I think I am going to have to not visualise life without my husband as that is what sends me careering into terror and emotional soup! I need to hang on mentally to the basic tenet that if I ever want to have sex again I need to leave or stay if husband lets me have an 'open marriage' ( doubt it- he seems incredibly certain that it is fine to leave me physically stranded without any other male damaging his macho prowess). It's a bummer I will have to move out of my home- I stay in a separate bedroom and we get on well so why can't I stay is the question I want to ask... |
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Post by unmatched on Nov 7, 2016 17:41:37 GMT -5
callisto I am not sure. You may be right, but right now you are thinking if I don't want to be celibate the rest of my life I need to get out, and you are standing on the edge of a terrifying abyss trying hard not to look at it but wondering if you need to jump. I wonder if you start in very small ways trying to get a feel for what that new life might be like, then you might find it is not as scary as you thought. Try just dipping a toe into the water - thinking 'I would like to go to the market for breakfast on Saturday morning' or 'I would like to get this kind of bed' or 'I would like to spend xxx amount of time doing xxx with xxx'. It is always going to be a massive adjustment, but it might not need to be a completely blind leap of faith. And if you are able to get just a little bit more comfortable with the idea, it will make it a whole lot easier to talk to your husband about your options.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2016 17:47:25 GMT -5
1:30am AP meltdown. 3 1/2 years and it just gets worse. Sometimes I want to tell her. But she'd either be glad or it would reinforce her belief that she deserves to be punished. I wonder if she still has my shirt. I still have her collar. Sorry for being clueless but what is an AP? Alternative psyche/ additional pyjamas/ altruistic persona/ attentive parent ? Thanks for the comments in the night(well it was night in my part of the world) Phin. I think I will have to time my 'talk'', if that's what I end up having at a moment when I'm not sleep deprived and gazing straight into the abyss. Alternative psyche. I like that one. I sleep naked or in briefs so no pyjammies. AP here means Affair Partner. A very complex and bizarre relationship that ended three years ago and is still a top 3 topic in psychotherapy. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2016 17:55:52 GMT -5
It is very hurtful when someone doesn't fight for you. That's how it would feel if he just said ok bye. Like he didn't consider you worth fighting for. You're not weak at all. That's a very real and normal fear. And yes you can't win. If they cling, you pull your hair out. If they are apathetic about you leaving, that is hurtful. No wonder so many people can't face it. Why is there no room for the idea that our spouse mutually agrees the marriage isn't salvageable? We're allowed that idea but it's hurtful if they feel the same? Honestly I don't get it. I wish my spouse had mutually agreed rather than emotionally implode as she has. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Mostly because that never happens. But you are correct, in theory, a mutual agreement that it is behind repair, in the context of genuine grief and a continued mutual respect and perhaps even friendship, would be ideal. That's different than callisto's fear, which is, "Ok see ya." |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 7, 2016 19:12:35 GMT -5
Why is there no room for the idea that our spouse mutually agrees the marriage isn't salvageable? We're allowed that idea but it's hurtful if they feel the same? Honestly I don't get it. I wish my spouse had mutually agreed rather than emotionally implode as she has. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Mostly because that never happens. But you are correct, in theory, a mutual agreement that it is behind repair, in the context of genuine grief and a continued mutual respect and perhaps even friendship, would be ideal. That's different than callisto's fear, which is, "Ok see ya." There are potentially far greater negative emotional consequences if callisto buries her head in the sand, afraid of an "OK - See ya". What happens if she stays, and 10-20-30 years from now she finds out his attitude is "OK - see ya" but now she's pissed away the rest of her life knowing she could have bit the bullet now. This is a choice of lesser possible evils and it seems to me the clear cut lesser possible evil is to bite the bullet now, cut her losses, and take the chance of that (potentially lesser) emotional risk. Once Callisto decides that it is in her best interests to separate, I'm not sure why his reasoning for wanting the same (should that be so) should affect her decision. I understand the emotional issue here, but it really should not be driving the decision. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2016 20:13:25 GMT -5
Mostly because that never happens. But you are correct, in theory, a mutual agreement that it is behind repair, in the context of genuine grief and a continued mutual respect and perhaps even friendship, would be ideal. That's different than callisto's fear, which is, "Ok see ya." There are potentially far greater negative emotional consequences if callisto buries her head in the sand, afraid of an "OK - See ya". What happens if she stays, and 10-20-30 years from now she finds out his attitude is "OK - see ya" but now she's pissed away the rest of her life knowing she could have bit the bullet now. This is a choice of lesser possible evils and it seems to me the clear cut lesser possible evil is to bite the bullet now, cut her losses, and take the chance of that (potentially lesser) emotional risk. Once Callisto decides that it is in her best interests to separate, I'm not sure why his reasoning for wanting the same (should that be so) should affect her decision. I understand the emotional issue here, but it really should not be driving the decision. Don't get me wrong, it's all I can do to bite my tongue and not tell her she should leave yesterday. It has to be her decision. That's the case with all of us. Each person has to make their own decision so it would be pointless for me to tell her or anyone else to leave. Having said that, I think 99% of the people in this forum should be talking to lawyers instead of trying to figure out what went wrong or going to excruciating measures to cope with marriages void of intimacy. I was just thinking about this today. Why the FUCK do people put up with this shit? I guess everyone has their reasons but if they directly asked my opinion I'd give them a referral to a lawyer. That's the answer to your sexless marriage, divorce. If you don't divorce you will be in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life, and your sex life will consist of semi annual duty sex with the lights out or secretive trysts in hotel rooms. Again, who am I to say what anyone should do, but these are the facts. As is the fact that when you end a relationship, it is painful if they don't fight for you. That's just a fact. Ask any shrink. This is a well documented facet of human behavior. That doesn't mean you should stay in the relationship. It only means that callisto's fears are well grounded and that in formulating her exit plan this is something she would do well to take into consideration now so she isn't broadsided by complex and powerful emotions she wasn't expecting. |
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Post by callisto on Nov 8, 2016 12:27:12 GMT -5
Phin said, [quote Having said that, I think 99% of the people in this forum should be talking to lawyers instead of trying to figure out what went wrong or going to excruciating measures to cope with marriages void of intimacy. I was just thinking about this today. Why the FUCK do people put up with this shit? I guess everyone has their reasons but if they directly asked my opinion I'd give them a referral to a lawyer. . [/quote][
Hi Unmatched, you are thoughtful to suggest I need to visualise what my everyday life could be like afterwards (to try to allay my fears). Unfortunately I know it will not be a case of planning activities to fill my days (I do everything without my husband anyway so no change there). It will be a minefield of financial issues directly meted out to me as a result of my decision to leave. My husband knows the value of coin and may well be ruthless in protecting himself if he decides to turn his back on me. More on this below-
Phin and Beachguy I DID consult a lawyer which is another reason I am conversely terrified of separation/ divorce-my husband may well coldly, calmly financially excise me from his life.
It's not just a case of him saying, 'okay then' and me being emotionally hurt but also the reality of my lack of good fortune. He may well close down on me entirely and show no compunction..
Due to a set of unbelievable circumstances (and loopholes in the law) arising from my husband's accident which ended his career 2months before we got married the law is very much weighted towards him - he is financially secure with a large income despite the fact he is on disability. He will keep the home and his pension when it comes. No kids ( haha - how could there be?) to balance any weighting towards me.. I could end up with nothing except my own income -no home/ no share of savings/ no pension ( I am self employed and no right to any of his) therefore there is legitimate fear about my life if I am successful in convincing him to separate.
~finding somewhere to live with a meagre income
~ having to rent a room in a shared flat with people I don't know like I am a student
So it boils down to this, financially I may be well and truly shafted leaving my marriage and my home but if I don't leave I will never be shafted again (crude but needed some light relief).
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 8, 2016 12:41:40 GMT -5
Phin said, [quote Having said that, I think 99% of the people in this forum should be talking to lawyers instead of trying to figure out what went wrong or going to excruciating measures to cope with marriages void of intimacy. I was just thinking about this today. Why the FUCK do people put up with this shit? I guess everyone has their reasons but if they directly asked my opinion I'd give them a referral to a lawyer. . [ Hi Unmatched, you are thoughtful to suggest I need to visualise what my everyday life could be like afterwards (to try to allay my fears). Unfortunately I know it will not be a case of planning activities to fill my days (I do everything without my husband anyway so no change there). It will be a minefield of financial issues directly meted out to me as a result of my decision to leave. My husband knows the value of coin and may well be ruthless in protecting himself if he decides to turn his back on me. More on this below- Phin and Beachguy I DID consult a lawyer which is another reason I am conversely terrified of separation/ divorce-my husband may well coldly, calmly financially excise me from his life. It's not just a case of him saying, 'okay then' and me being emotionally hurt but also the reality of my lack of good fortune. He may well close down on me entirely and show no compunction.. Due to a set of unbelievable circumstances (and loopholes in the law) arising from my husband's accident which ended his career 2months before we got married the law is very much weighted towards him - he is financially secure with a large income despite the fact he is on disability. He will keep the home and his pension when it comes. No kids ( haha - how could there be?) to balance any weighting towards me.. I could end up with nothing except my own income -no home/ no share of savings/ no pension ( I am self employed and no right to any of his) therefore there is legitimate fear about my life if I am successful in convincing him to separate. ~finding somewhere to live with a meagre income ~ having to rent a room in a shared flat with people I don't know like I am a student So it boils down to this, financially I may be well and truly shafted leaving my marriage and my home but if I don't leave I will never be shafted again (crude but needed some light relief). [/quote][ Sounds like staying needs to be your choice for financial reasons and I get that. For a long time I was stuck for financial reasons. I just started earning enough to live comfortably on my own so I divorced this year. Sometimes circumstances prevent us from having what we really want. Not being celibate is perhaps an option that you may want to explore. |
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Post by callisto on Nov 8, 2016 14:28:48 GMT -5
BBgirl,
Well actually I think I need to throw caution to the wind- I don't feel I have enough time left on this planet to remain
subjugated in a sexless marriage. Unfortunately my husband has not condoned my sexual relationship with another man. I have to be faithful to him (despite the fact he is not interested in sex) or be divorced.
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