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Post by JonDoe on Oct 27, 2016 23:34:17 GMT -5
Everywhere I go, I look around and wonder if anyone can see the real me. The me that is suffering in silence. Then I think in a large enough crowd, how many other people are suffering in silence? How many other people feel invisible?
I don't want that part of me to be invisible and ignored. I want everyone to know. The next person that comments on the weather, sports or politics, I going to say "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!"
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Post by ted on Oct 27, 2016 23:46:31 GMT -5
I'm sorry you feel so alone. I sure know what you're talking about.
In meatspace, I have two friends with whom I've shared my SM woes. It's validating to have them believe me and tell me how crazy it sounded, but they have no firsthand experience with it.
It's priceless than you all know and have experienced nearly the same thing. I don't wish it on any of us, but I'm glad we're here together, to some extent, instead of out there alone, like I used to be.
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Post by baza on Oct 28, 2016 1:23:07 GMT -5
I think you'll find that if you say - "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!" - you will get a very disinterested response, UNLESS the person you are speaking to is in a similar situation.
Possibly, you might get a response along the lines - "Why don't you get out then ?" - in the event that the person displays any interest in your predicament.
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Defining yourself as "Jon, who suffers in a sexless marriage" is possibly not the greatest segue into a scintillating conversation out there in the "normal" world.
It is probably more likely to kill an initial conversation stone dead than it is to encourage further discourse.
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Mind you, I am all for testifying about what being in an ILIASM shithole is like, but I do think you need to pick your audience.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2016 7:32:02 GMT -5
I agree with Ted. My suffering was lessened when I started opening up to my friends and loved ones. My three sisters-in-law, my best friend, my aunt, and some close friends at work know what I go through. It was a huge relief telling them. I've been called the strongest woman they know, best wife ever, etc. It IS validating.
You think you're alone with what you're feeling. You aren't. Therapy can work wonders, but so can your support network. I encourage you to talk to the people you trust.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2016 8:45:22 GMT -5
Jon,
Coming on here was the best thing I've done for my marriage and myself. I never told anyone about the SM, not even a family member. I thought it was a sign of weakness and really no one wants to hear about your problems unless it relates back to them. That is what so great about this forum. We all suffer from the same problem and are looking for answer or sympathy.
Other people who are not in SM would not understand. I know some men who do not care about having sex with their wives. As long as they can go fish or watch their sports, they are happy.
We're here for you Jon. There's no reason to feel alone. And if you feel alone then it's time for some honesty with yourself about the current living situation. The day that I felt so alone was the day I vowed to make a change. Let this day be the start of a new journey in life for you. Start doing things differently.
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Post by Caris on Oct 28, 2016 14:01:14 GMT -5
What Baz said. Only those who have gone through it can really understand, but I know what you mean by suffering in silence. I still do, and I'm post SM.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 28, 2016 16:02:28 GMT -5
Whenever I mention it - and I'm out already so there's that difference- I get mixed responses. Many people feel they have to tell me how sexless they also are ... which when questioned means they get some but not like when they were younger. Or - they totally think I was mean because of Ex's medical causes (then when I explain what other relationship issues it provoked & exposed, they back off). Others look at me like I should've known going into the marriage that the age gap would catch up to us eventually.
Other than a few therapists & 3/4 of my brothers, most live conversations about it haven't been very helpful. A couple of sisters get it (about 2/4).
The shocker - my 89 yr old mother was even more sympathetic than the brothers. That one slated me - and was very validating actually.
This site was a godsend to me. You all understood me in a way that most folks just can't. The supportive nature was great - the actionable advice on exiting even better!
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 28, 2016 16:45:52 GMT -5
I think you'll find that if you say - "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!" - you will get a very disinterested response, UNLESS the person you are speaking to is in a similar situation. Possibly, you might get a response along the lines - "Why don't you get out then ?" - in the event that the person displays any interest in your predicament. - Defining yourself as "Jon, who suffers in a sexless marriage" is possibly not the greatest segue into a scintillating conversation out there in the "normal" world. It is probably more likely to kill an initial conversation stone dead than it is to encourage further discourse. - Mind you, I am all for testifying about what being in an ILIASM shithole is like, but I do think you need to pick your audience. So yeah, I get it. Not like I'm planning to try using that as a pickup line or wear a name tag with it everywhere I go or anything. I think it may be a bit of therapy for me to just uncork the bottle so to speak and stop hiding the fact that I'm in a sexless marriage. Plus it may help someone else. In fact, while I was talking to a 20-something year old guy last night I asked him if he was married. He said "Not yet... she is really pushing me to get married, but I'm not sure if I am ready yet. I guess if I want to keep her, then I should." [INSERT AUDIBLE ALERT HERE] We chatted a while, and I gave him some good advice, and I also gave him a condensed version of my experiences in marriage. He was genuinely very appreciative, which made me feel good too. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2016 21:15:09 GMT -5
Everywhere I go, I look around and wonder if anyone can see the real me. The me that is suffering in silence. Then I think in a large enough crowd, how many other people are suffering in silence? How many other people feel invisible? I don't want that part of me to be invisible and ignored. I want everyone to know. The next person that comments on the weather, sports or politics, I going to say "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!" Lots of people all around you are train wrecks on the inside. One thing I've learned is that people aren't as together as they may seem. I do wonder sometimes though, even years after leaving, how many people I encounter during the day are in a sexless marriage? |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2016 21:19:18 GMT -5
I think you'll find that if you say - "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!" - you will get a very disinterested response, UNLESS the person you are speaking to is in a similar situation. Possibly, you might get a response along the lines - "Why don't you get out then ?" - in the event that the person displays any interest in your predicament. - Defining yourself as "Jon, who suffers in a sexless marriage" is possibly not the greatest segue into a scintillating conversation out there in the "normal" world. It is probably more likely to kill an initial conversation stone dead than it is to encourage further discourse. - Mind you, I am all for testifying about what being in an ILIASM shithole is like, but I do think you need to pick your audience. So yeah, I get it. Not like I'm planning to try using that as a pickup line or wear a name tag with it everywhere I go or anything. I think it may be a bit of therapy for me to just uncork the bottle so to speak and stop hiding the fact that I'm in a sexless marriage. Plus it may help someone else. In fact, while I was talking to a 20-something year old guy last night I asked him if he was married. He said "Not yet... she is really pushing me to get married, but I'm not sure if I am ready yet. I guess if I want to keep her, then I should." [INSERT AUDIBLE ALERT HERE] We chatted a while, and I gave him some good advice, and I also gave him a condensed version of my experiences in marriage. He was genuinely very appreciative, which made me feel good too. The wounded healer. Man you might have saved that kid from wasting his life. |
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Post by JMX on Oct 28, 2016 21:56:14 GMT -5
I think you'll find that if you say - "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!" - you will get a very disinterested response, UNLESS the person you are speaking to is in a similar situation. Possibly, you might get a response along the lines - "Why don't you get out then ?" - in the event that the person displays any interest in your predicament. - Defining yourself as "Jon, who suffers in a sexless marriage" is possibly not the greatest segue into a scintillating conversation out there in the "normal" world. It is probably more likely to kill an initial conversation stone dead than it is to encourage further discourse. - Mind you, I am all for testifying about what being in an ILIASM shithole is like, but I do think you need to pick your audience. That's if... You are a man. If you are a woman that confesses this - you get a head cocked to the side, a moment of unbridled bewilderment and then, a barrage of questions. It is socially acceptable for a man. It is fascinating for a woman. She is wondering what she can do to make her man like that too. |
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Post by solodriver on Oct 28, 2016 22:48:00 GMT -5
Whenever I mention it - and I'm out already so there's that difference- I get mixed responses. Many people feel they have to tell me how sexless they also are ... which when questioned means they get some but not like when they were younger. Or - they totally think I was mean because of Ex's medical causes (then when I explain what other relationship issues it provoked & exposed, they back off). Others look at me like I should've known going into the marriage that the age gap would catch up to us eventually. Other than a few therapists & 3/4 of my brothers, most live conversations about it haven't been very helpful. A couple of sisters get it (about 2/4). The shocker - my 89 yr old mother was even more sympathetic than the brothers. That one slated me - and was very validating actually. This site was a godsend to me. You all understood me in a way that most folks just can't. The supportive nature was great - the actionable advice on exiting even better! The age gap response would be the one I'd get the most since she is 10 years older than me. |
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Post by solodriver on Oct 28, 2016 22:52:50 GMT -5
I think you'll find that if you say - "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!" - you will get a very disinterested response, UNLESS the person you are speaking to is in a similar situation. Possibly, you might get a response along the lines - "Why don't you get out then ?" - in the event that the person displays any interest in your predicament. - Defining yourself as "Jon, who suffers in a sexless marriage" is possibly not the greatest segue into a scintillating conversation out there in the "normal" world. It is probably more likely to kill an initial conversation stone dead than it is to encourage further discourse. - Mind you, I am all for testifying about what being in an ILIASM shithole is like, but I do think you need to pick your audience. That's if... You are a man. If you are a woman that confesses this - you get a head cocked to the side, a moment of unbridled bewilderment and then, a barrage of questions. It is socially acceptable for a man. It is fascinating for a woman. She is wondering what she can do to make her man like that too. Those woman are refusers in disguise. I have no doubt there are men who think that same way, how could they get their wife like that too. People who think like that are ungrateful and underserving. |
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Post by baza on Oct 28, 2016 23:15:56 GMT -5
It may be because I have had a huge exposure to ILIASM EP and this group, but on the rare occasions the subject crops up with "normal" people, nothing / no-one who is afflicted 'surprises' me any more.
ILIASM shitholes are completely egalitarian. They can, and do, emerge in any demographic.
Rich / Poor. Young / Old. Religious / Heathen. Smart / Dumb. Tall / Short. Fat / Skinny.
It matters not.
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You can't reasonably expect someone you know to have any understanding at all of what an ILIASM shithole is like.
Being in - or having been in - an ILIASM shithole, is a somewhat unique experience. Unfamiliar to most - apart from the stereotypes they may have seen on media.
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Post by Pinkberry on Oct 29, 2016 5:07:54 GMT -5
ILIASM was a godsend for me. Talking to other people who truly get it was YUGE! But I really started to take steps and make it all real when I started telling people IRL. It started with a friend I met on ILIASM and was able to meet in person, then grew from there. There is a lot of power in talking about things like this, no matter how much people might poke fun at support groups or talk therapy. It works. If nothing else, it preserves sanity.
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