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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 29, 2016 7:09:35 GMT -5
I think you'll find that if you say - "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!" - you will get a very disinterested response, UNLESS the person you are speaking to is in a similar situation. Possibly, you might get a response along the lines - "Why don't you get out then ?" - in the event that the person displays any interest in your predicament. - Defining yourself as "Jon, who suffers in a sexless marriage" is possibly not the greatest segue into a scintillating conversation out there in the "normal" world. It is probably more likely to kill an initial conversation stone dead than it is to encourage further discourse. - Mind you, I am all for testifying about what being in an ILIASM shithole is like, but I do think you need to pick your audience. That's if... You are a man. If you are a woman that confesses this - you get a head cocked to the side, a moment of unbridled bewilderment and then, a barrage of questions. It is socially acceptable for a man. It is fascinating for a woman. She is wondering what she can do to make her man like that too. Oh yeah - this too! I do not usually stay friends with women who seem to have this response to the information. I don't hide my feelings about a relationship needing to be totally honest because that is the essence of intimacy - and if she really wants to have less sex, she should consider removing monogamy expectation (only happened once) - but uh....I don't hide that and so she quit talking to me about it. |
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Post by thefullmoon on Nov 6, 2016 15:34:38 GMT -5
Everywhere I go, I look around and wonder if anyone can see the real me. The me that is suffering in silence. Then I think in a large enough crowd, how many other people are suffering in silence? How many other people feel invisible? I don't want that part of me to be invisible and ignored. I want everyone to know. The next person that comments on the weather, sports or politics, I going to say "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!" What would you do if one (or several) woman want to break your desert of zero sex? |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 6, 2016 16:15:58 GMT -5
Everywhere I go, I look around and wonder if anyone can see the real me. The me that is suffering in silence. Then I think in a large enough crowd, how many other people are suffering in silence? How many other people feel invisible? I don't want that part of me to be invisible and ignored. I want everyone to know. The next person that comments on the weather, sports or politics, I going to say "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!" What would you do if one (or several) woman want to break your desert of zero sex? In the past I politely turned down sexual offer, but I won't be doing that anymore! |
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Post by thefullmoon on Nov 6, 2016 16:33:49 GMT -5
In the past I politely turned down sexual offer, but I won't be doing that anymore! If you refused(even politely)... it looked like you were getting a masochistic pleasure from being refused... |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 6, 2016 18:04:23 GMT -5
In the past I politely turned down sexual offer, but I won't be doing that anymore! If you refused(even politely)... it looked like you were getting a masochistic pleasure from being refused... ¿ what ? |
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Post by thefullmoon on Nov 6, 2016 18:10:13 GMT -5
If you refused(even politely)... it looked like you were getting a masochistic pleasure from being refused... ¿ what ? Turned down? |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2016 12:33:15 GMT -5
Everywhere I go, I look around and wonder if anyone can see the real me. The me that is suffering in silence. Then I think in a large enough crowd, how many other people are suffering in silence? How many other people feel invisible? I don't want that part of me to be invisible and ignored. I want everyone to know. The next person that comments on the weather, sports or politics, I going to say "Hi, I'm [Jon] and I'm suffering in a sexless marriage!" You are an intelligent and funny guy. You came to the right place to talk about your suffering. You are a unique individual, as is everybody on this site. We are all suffering and the answer to our predicament is different for us all. From my experience on this site, when I got here, I mostly just watched and did not participate, I could tell I was with people who wanted to help me. This is how I perceive my time here has been and about how I view the good people on this site; In the beginning, I felt I was standing in a deep, deep hole at the bottom of which there was about a foot deep worth of shit. So I will call it a "shithole". On the side of the hole was a long ladder that I could use to climb out. The problem was it had no rungs. I started to participate here and Rhapsodee and DryCreek and greatcoastal gave me some rungs and I put them in the ladder and they worked, I found I was not standing in shit anymore. I participated more and cagedtiger, @smartkat, @andie, baza, @phin, GeekGoddess, JMX, @eternaloptomist, all gave me more rungs. Sometimes the rungs did not fit and I threw them to the bottom of the shithole, but I always appreciated their help. I am not close to the top of the hole yet but I am way better off then I was before. I know I am missing many people who have helped me climb up and I apologize for missing your names. Thank you all! I am/was suffering but I am going in a much better direction and it is a great feeling not to be standing in crap. Take it a bit at a time, my advice is to first try and get out of the suffering phase, and then work on turning it around to being happy with yourself. It is not easy and will take a lot of time and effort. Good luck JonDoe I hope this advice helps. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Nov 7, 2016 16:03:56 GMT -5
@boulderbob, thank you. In your note to JonDoe you gave us the best analogy of our situation and the benefits of this group that I have ever read. BRAVO! Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 7, 2016 20:03:07 GMT -5
Thank you @boulderbob! I used to daydream that she would suddenly change and we would enjoy a great sex life for the next 15-20 years, and then grow old together. There is a much higher chance of a woman or an orange man becoming the next President of the United States.  Now I daydream about just walking away and never turning back, not even answering her phone calls or returning text messages. A cold, clean break. In this dream, I leave a Post-It note with a single typed word, "Bye!" because a hand written note seems too personal. The day dream includes winning the lottery, which allows me to just walk away without the need to expend a bunch of energy getting the house ready to sell, dividing assests, dealing with lawyers, emotions, fights, etc. In this dream scenario, I pay off the small remaining balance on the mortgage, our only debt, and sign over the deed to the house and titles to all the vehicles, which is in a sealed envelope underneath the Post-It note. I also cancel the credit cards. On the final day, without any forewarning, I kiss her and say "Hope you have a nice day!" before she leaves for work. After she drives off, I place the envelope and note on the counter, and order a ride from Uber. I leave everything behind, including our life savings. No lose ends, no obligations, no strings attached. I leave with a clear conscience as a free man! Then I snap out of my blissful daydream and realize the reality of what lies ahead, which will be worse than soaking my balls in an ice water bath in January. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2016 20:28:32 GMT -5
JonDoe Tell me if soaking your balls in an ice water bath in January works for you? I doubt if I could use that painful advice as a rung in my ladder though. Often I daydream about freedom too and I may borrow your daydream to cope. Thanks!
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 7, 2016 21:29:58 GMT -5
The "balls in an ice water bath" is an analogy for the hell she is going to put me through after receiving the divorce papers continuing through the entire separation period, and bad mouthing me to our children and the wives of our friends. The husbands of our married friends will also keep a distance during this period, as I've witnessed all too often, because they want to keep the peace at home. (STEREOTYPE WARNING) The women will band together, but while the guys will refuse to take sides they will keep a safe distance too.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2016 21:36:33 GMT -5
The "balls in an ice water bath" is an analogy for the hell she is going to put me through after receiving the divorce papers continuing through the entire separation period, and bad mouthing me to our children and the wives of our friends. The husbands of our married friends will also keep a distance during this period, as I've witnessed all too often, because they want to keep the peace at home. ( STEREOTYPE WARNING) The women will band together, but while the guys will refuse to take sides they will keep a safe distance too. Sorry I did not know your background. My divorce to my first wife went exactly like that with the side choosing, I was astounded that I lost some good friends. Even worse, she cheated on me but everyone assumed I was the one fooling around! |
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Post by solodriver on Nov 7, 2016 22:35:43 GMT -5
JonDoe,
I also agree 100% with Wingman. In another post I shared how before joining this group I felt like everyday I would wake to go into a deep black hole until bedtime and the only hope I felt for my future was a prayer for death.. But since I joined, I've made friends on here that help me every day. I wake up and go forward with my day and when I come home in the evening I enjoy the things I do, even though I'm, still alone in a completely sexless, affectionless and very much roommate marriage. I know I have options, and I gather strength from how others deal with their situations. I no longer feel alone, I have my friends here that support me each day, so I feel normal and have confidence in myself again.
And maybe one day in the future, I will be able to enjoy a sexual relationship with someone who desires me as well.
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 9, 2016 8:04:36 GMT -5
The "balls in an ice water bath" is an analogy for the hell she is going to put me through after receiving the divorce papers continuing through the entire separation period, and bad mouthing me to our children and the wives of our friends. The husbands of our married friends will also keep a distance during this period, as I've witnessed all too often, because they want to keep the peace at home. ( STEREOTYPE WARNING) The women will band together, but while the guys will refuse to take sides they will keep a safe distance too. You may be surprised.... Perhaps, but I've seen a similar scenario play out numerous times. In fact, when I openly refused to take sides when friends and acquaintances went through a divorce, my wife and our female married friends couldn't believe I'd even consider giving him the benefit of the doubt despite the fact that they had only heard the woman's side of the story. The married male friends pulled me aside and said "Dude! Are you on a death mission? You're getting killed by the angry mob here! Save yourself, we won't go down in flames with you!" However, I stood my ground and passionately explained that we have only heard one side of the story from someone that is emotionally wounded and in need of support and healing, and likewise the other partner needs and deserves the same from us. We were all friends of BOTH partners in that relationship until the wife decided to air her grievances to the collective female group. Don't assume because the husband did not do the same that he is guilty as charged or hurting any less. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango." Each time this has happened, my wife gets pissed at me because she vehemently argues for the woman's side believing that half of the facts are the full and accurate facts. This is also how she reacts in our marriage. In her mind, her ideas, emotions, and grievances are real, whereas mine are inaccurate, fictional, and irrelevant. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 9, 2016 9:35:57 GMT -5
Each time this has happened, my wife gets pissed at me because she vehemently argues for the woman's side believing that half of the facts are the full and accurate facts. This is also how she reacts in our marriage. In her mind, her ideas, emotions, and grievances are real, whereas mine are inaccurate, fictional, and irrelevant. There are three sides to every story. His side, her side, and the truth. |
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