Enabling. Blimey!

I was an enabler because I didn't want to upset him. I avoided conflict.
I enabled him to be a refuser and irresponsible with money and parenting.
However I was stuck until my income went up and then when the time was right I pulled the plug. He didn't like it but tough shit, eventually the chickens come home to roost.

Snap!

Here chicky chickens!!

Xx

Cold bitch is soooooo hard for me to pull off though @phinheasgage!

I need a practice partner!

eternaloptimism, I had this revelation yesterday and it has hit me HARD! God bless @phinheasgage, baza, Pinkberry. They replied to one one of my posts and combined together it flipped a switch in my mind and shed light on my deep enabling. I knew I had co-dependency issues but this was a look inside on how deep the matatissis has spread. I have taken care people since I was 15 years old. It is no less a part of me than my arms or legs. It is rooted to my core. I have given everything to enable them to have an easier more comfortable life at my personal expense.

Over the weekend my wife complained about being stuck in her part time jobs. So I looked at my company's open positions, to my surprise I found several that she qualified for. This would provide her higher pay, benefits like a pension, health insurance, tuition reimbursement, advancement opportunities! All of these things she complains she doesn't have.

She made excuse after excuse why it wasn't practical. She wouldn't even look at them although she hates where she works because it is dysfunctional, pays shit, no benefits, no chance of promotion.

I've got to get out of this marriage, and I've got to not allow myself to be taken advantage of. I've got to have this cancer removed, this enablement.

((HUGS)) eternaloptimism.
I get it.
RC

Me too, I have been reading a lot about 'rescuers' in relationships and it fits me pretty well. I tend to go for people who have issues and then support them because it is a safe and easy way of getting a sense of intimacy when underneath I don't feel like I really deserve it. So then unsurprisingly I created a marriage dynamic where I am always being supportive and my wife doesn't give me what I need. It has become very clear that whatever sense of intimacy that was is completely fake - there is no real intimacy in it at all. Because I wasn't vulnerable enough to express my needs (or even be aware of them half the time!), and because all she had to do was take.

Now, 10 years down the line, I am struggling to be supportive because everything in me rises up and screams "No, fuck off!!!", and despite now knowing what my needs are she still can't get over her intimacy-averse self enough to do anything about it.

The "enabling" phenomena rears its' head in here in just about every post to some degree or other I believe.
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It is sometimes cloaked in another name however, like "nice guy", or "giving woman" as a couple of obvious examples.
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When I twigged that I was an enabler, it was one of the bitterest pills I ever had to swallow.
It forced me in to confront aspects of my persona that I would rather not have.
It forced me to challenge my thinking radically.
It forced me to stop bullshitting myself.
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I am betting that you are finding it every bit as confronting as I did Sister EO.
You have my empathy.

I was a big enabler. Strange how the moment she found the divorce papers amongst my stuff she also found a job.

I have changed radically, and as baz stated, it's hard. But doable.

I found my anti enabling tactics started with small things.

"Will you get dressed and go to the shop for me to buy chocolate?"
"Of course darling dearest."

To

Will you get dressed and go to the shop for me to buy chocolate?"
"Why didn't you buy some earlier when you were at the shops? I've just worked a 14 hour day and I'm knackered, but if your going we need some milk."

Later in the relationship...

"But if you leave we can't fund the kids through university!"

"I will support the children emotionally, functionally and financially as best I can. What choices you make in your life are up to you."

The article below opened my eyes. Then the work on myself began in earnest.
(Apologies to the women, again, this article is from shrink for men but the premise is the same for both male and female."


shrink4men.com/2009/01/16/the-real-reason-your-wife-doesnt-want-to-work/

EO. Breathe, take your time, take stock. Being kind and caring are the best traits a human can have, and on face value you have bucket loads. Work at separating kindness from enabling habits. No hurry, your personal freedom train has already gained more momentum than you think.

BTW, your part time working stoner husband can survive without you.