Enabling. Blimey!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh wait I sound like I'm having an orgasm, well I almost am because you're TELLING not ASKING. EO, I guarantee if you say you want to end the relationship he will grab you by the balls and pull you back in. It cannot be a request. It must be an announcement.

And since in your case there is the possibility of violence, you would do well to also plan for your safety when the announcement is made, or if there will even be one, which is a whole other matter. But the point here is that if you communicate this as a request, in a month you'll wake up in the same situation and ask what the hell went wrong.

I had an individual therapy session yesterday where we discussed something similar after my therapist pointed out all of the seething resentment I am currently carrying around - I am usually not so vocally resentful.

She told me about her preacher and how when he got up to speak one day, he admitted that what they see and what they like about him isn't possible without his wife. She makes it possible for him to be great at what he does by taking care of everything in the background. She said that sometimes, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I pointed out that while that is a lovely sentiment, the day of public recognition for my hard work in keeping the ship afloat will likely never come. And even at that, I am not allowed -in my current situation - to simply support him in his endeavors because I am too busy dredging myself out of bed, working a job I only marginally enjoy to help get us out of the financial mess we're in - not to mention, taking care of the house and the kids almost by myself. I am tired. I am stressed. My fingers are bloody nubs where I have chewed at my cuticles from the anxiety and stress of it all.

I AM enabling him to be irresponsible with money because he refuses to open mail or talk about bills with me. The only way out of that is to drop him and make him swim on his own. I cannot right now because I need his extra money to shovel us out. I told the therapist that after this is over, I am pretty sure I have no choice to leave because I know that when life throws curve balls at us, he will just retreat. Even if/when we get through the financial mess, there will be something else that sucks and is hard on the horizon. I don't believe I have it in me to carry him anymore, even if it means public or private acknowledgment of my hard work.

I am willing to be a help-mate. I am willing to be kind and careful and walk softly over sensitive subjects. I can enable someone through hard times. I just cannot do it anymore for someone that never gives or helps in return.

"Enabling" is the big buzz word these days and the problem I have with this is that it is an opportunity for others to absolve themselves of blame by pointing the finger at their spouse and saying "They are enabling me" (it's not my fault because they don't hold me accountable) I feel more of us are settling rather than enabling. We already blame ourselves for enough crap, we don't need to get blamed for not policing our marriages.

Fucking shit balls girl. I'm exactly the same. Exactly.

Irritates the hell out of me.

Which is why we gotta keep our heads on straight and formulate plans.

I'm mad too now xxxx

Do you want the "see a lawyer in your jurisdiction - - - - - -" spiel again Sister EO ?