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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 20, 2016 6:12:09 GMT -5
Cold bitch is soooooo hard for me to pull off though @phinheasgage ! I need a practice partner! That is hard for me too but I did it FOR ME!! I was tired of being used!! I was very resolute, stone faced, lawyer like and robotic. It was a rehearsed monologue that I delivered effectively. I can see me spending much time talking to myself in the mirror to get a grip of this! Being used does get bloody exhausting doesn't it! Can I borrow your script ha ha xx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 20, 2016 6:15:58 GMT -5
eternaloptimism , I had this revelation yesterday and it has hit me HARD! God bless @phinheasgage , baza , Pinkberry . They replied to one one of my posts and combined together it flipped a switch in my mind and shed light on my deep enabling. I knew I had co-dependency issues but this was a look inside on how deep the matatissis has spread. I have taken care people since I was 15 years old. It is no less a part of me than my arms or legs. It is rooted to my core. I have given everything to enable them to have an easier more comfortable life at my personal expense. Over the weekend my wife complained about being stuck in her part time jobs. So I looked at my company's open positions, to my surprise I found several that she qualified for. This would provide her higher pay, benefits like a pension, health insurance, tuition reimbursement, advancement opportunities! All of these things she complains she doesn't have. She made excuse after excuse why it wasn't practical. She wouldn't even look at them although she hates where she works because it is dysfunctional, pays shit, no benefits, no chance of promotion. I've got to get out of this marriage, and I've got to not allow myself to be taken advantage of. I've got to have this cancer removed, this enablement. ((HUGS)) eternaloptimism . I get it. RC Hiya RexCorvus. Thanks for this, I get you too man  i keep thinking maybe counselling is the answer, but I tell you what, talking in here is worth more I reckon. Love the advice, ideas and support here. xx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 20, 2016 6:17:31 GMT -5
RC, thanks so much for tagging me. I love this community and cherish those who were straight with me when I needed it. I am so thrilled that I was able to contribute something useful for you. eternaloptimism, I'm so glad that you are having revelations about how things have worked in your life. Figuring out what you don't want is such an important piece of the puzzle. Im constantly amazed by how little I know Pinkberry! I swear when I was 19 I knew everything...ha ha. Living and learning baby  xx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 20, 2016 6:19:43 GMT -5
Me too, I have been reading a lot about 'rescuers' in relationships and it fits me pretty well. I tend to go for people who have issues and then support them because it is a safe and easy way of getting a sense of intimacy when underneath I don't feel like I really deserve it. So then unsurprisingly I created a marriage dynamic where I am always being supportive and my wife doesn't give me what I need. It has become very clear that whatever sense of intimacy that was is completely fake - there is no real intimacy in it at all. Because I wasn't vulnerable enough to express my needs (or even be aware of them half the time!), and because all she had to do was take. Now, 10 years down the line, I am struggling to be supportive because everything in me rises up and screams "No, fuck off!!!", and despite now knowing what my needs are she still can't get over her intimacy-averse self enough to do anything about it. Yeah...I keep thinking "no fuck off" a lot too! Im getting a mental image here if us lot all stuck on a sinking ship, fighting over who gets to do all the rescuing 😂😂 ill take enabling over manipulating any day...if I have too...but I'd rather be the right kind of kind. We'll all get there. I feel it in my bones xxx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 20, 2016 6:22:04 GMT -5
The "enabling" phenomena rears its' head in here in just about every post to some degree or other I believe. - It is sometimes cloaked in another name however, like "nice guy", or "giving woman" as a couple of obvious examples. - When I twigged that I was an enabler, it was one of the bitterest pills I ever had to swallow. It forced me in to confront aspects of my persona that I would rather not have. It forced me to challenge my thinking radically. It forced me to stop bullshitting myself. - I am betting that you are finding it every bit as confronting as I did Sister EO. You have my empathy. Cheers baza. I've always lived by "it's nice to be nice" but I'm adding a caveat now! It's fucking horrible to be nice to manipulative takers. X |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 20, 2016 6:23:29 GMT -5
This isn't just a small step - it's really kind of huge. In my deal, we both enabled different bad behavior in each other. But I found the secret weapon - EP ILIASM. I read & learned. I understood. I came to decisions. I delivered news of those decisions & proceeded with my life. It's not murdering a marriage when it's in Self-Defense. Practice your resting bitch face & a cold, hard view of what is really happening. Steel yourself. You CAN do cold, hard bitch if that's what it takes to save yourself. I believe you can, EO! Fuck...I wish I could fast forward to where you are Granty! Reading and learning is a slow process. I've started though...so I'll finish  xxx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 20, 2016 6:24:51 GMT -5
I was a big enabler. Strange how the moment she found the divorce papers amongst my stuff she also found a job. I have changed radically, and as baz stated, it's hard. But doable. I found my anti enabling tactics started with small things. "Will you get dressed and go to the shop for me to buy chocolate?" "Of course darling dearest." To Will you get dressed and go to the shop for me to buy chocolate?" "Why didn't you buy some earlier when you were at the shops? I've just worked a 14 hour day and I'm knackered, but if your going we need some milk." Later in the relationship... "But if you leave we can't fund the kids through university!" "I will support the children emotionally, functionally and financially as best I can. What choices you make in your life are up to you." The article below opened my eyes. Then the work on myself began in earnest. (Apologies to the women, again, this article is from shrink for men but the premise is the same for both male and female." shrink4men.com/2009/01/16/the-real-reason-your-wife-doesnt-want-to-work/EO. Breathe, take your time, take stock. Being kind and caring are the best traits a human can have, and on face value you have bucket loads. Work at separating kindness from enabling habits. No hurry, your personal freedom train has already gained more momentum than you think. BTW, your part time working stoner husband can survive without you. Oooo that's all so familiar. They must take special classes which we were never invited to to learn how to behave that way! Ill have a read read of that later. Thanks 😘 |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 20, 2016 6:27:52 GMT -5
I was an enabler too. Aren't we all here? It took me a long time to find strength to get away. I know I always give in too easily, but I am aware of that and fairly confident I will guard my boundaries. Scary how much we all do or have done this isn't it. Im getting more and more aware of my actions and his, and actually all around me too. I've been taken advantage of far to many times by a lot of people around me. Boundaries.... yeah, never really had any. Rush round like a headless chicken to keep everyone happy regardless of what it does to me ....that's always been my way. Well no more. EO mark 2 just came to life x |
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Post by tamara68 on Oct 20, 2016 6:35:16 GMT -5
eternaloptimism 'keeping everyone happy' I know exactly what you mean. But I am convinced now that when you live as you are. You show your boundaries and you are respecting those of others, you become even more attractive because you are real. No pretending you are okay with being used anymore. You will be happier and that will spread happiness around you. And those who can’t handle that are not worth keeping.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 20, 2016 7:16:29 GMT -5
That is hard for me too but I did it FOR ME!! I was tired of being used!! I was very resolute, stone faced, lawyer like and robotic. It was a rehearsed monologue that I delivered effectively. I can see me spending much time talking to myself in the mirror to get a grip of this! Being used does get bloody exhausting doesn't it! Can I borrow your script ha ha xx Here's my script (and yes I practiced a lot): We said we were going to work on this, a year has gone by and neither of us have done a thing and I'm going to divorce you and I'm moving out. We aren't compatible anymore and really never were. Insert his rant - my response: (said very calmly) I agree which proves we are not compatible. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2016 7:40:27 GMT -5
I can see me spending much time talking to myself in the mirror to get a grip of this! Being used does get bloody exhausting doesn't it! Can I borrow your script ha ha xx Here's my script (and yes I practiced a lot): We said we were going to work on this, a year has gone by and neither of us have done a thing and I'm going to divorce you and I'm moving out. We aren't compatible anymore and really never were. Insert his rant - my response: (said very calmly) I agree which proves we are not compatible. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh wait I sound like I'm having an orgasm, well I almost am because you're TELLING not ASKING. EO, I guarantee if you say you want to end the relationship he will grab you by the balls and pull you back in. It cannot be a request. It must be an announcement. And since in your case there is the possibility of violence, you would do well to also plan for your safety when the announcement is made, or if there will even be one, which is a whole other matter. But the point here is that if you communicate this as a request, in a month you'll wake up in the same situation and ask what the hell went wrong. |
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Post by JMX on Oct 20, 2016 8:42:27 GMT -5
I had an individual therapy session yesterday where we discussed something similar after my therapist pointed out all of the seething resentment I am currently carrying around - I am usually not so vocally resentful.
She told me about her preacher and how when he got up to speak one day, he admitted that what they see and what they like about him isn't possible without his wife. She makes it possible for him to be great at what he does by taking care of everything in the background. She said that sometimes, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I pointed out that while that is a lovely sentiment, the day of public recognition for my hard work in keeping the ship afloat will likely never come. And even at that, I am not allowed -in my current situation - to simply support him in his endeavors because I am too busy dredging myself out of bed, working a job I only marginally enjoy to help get us out of the financial mess we're in - not to mention, taking care of the house and the kids almost by myself. I am tired. I am stressed. My fingers are bloody nubs where I have chewed at my cuticles from the anxiety and stress of it all.
I AM enabling him to be irresponsible with money because he refuses to open mail or talk about bills with me. The only way out of that is to drop him and make him swim on his own. I cannot right now because I need his extra money to shovel us out. I told the therapist that after this is over, I am pretty sure I have no choice to leave because I know that when life throws curve balls at us, he will just retreat. Even if/when we get through the financial mess, there will be something else that sucks and is hard on the horizon. I don't believe I have it in me to carry him anymore, even if it means public or private acknowledgment of my hard work.
I am willing to be a help-mate. I am willing to be kind and careful and walk softly over sensitive subjects. I can enable someone through hard times. I just cannot do it anymore for someone that never gives or helps in return.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 20, 2016 10:22:01 GMT -5
This isn't just a small step - it's really kind of huge. In my deal, we both enabled different bad behavior in each other. But I found the secret weapon - EP ILIASM. I read & learned. I understood. I came to decisions. I delivered news of those decisions & proceeded with my life. It's not murdering a marriage when it's in Self-Defense. Practice your resting bitch face & a cold, hard view of what is really happening. Steel yourself. You CAN do cold, hard bitch if that's what it takes to save yourself. I believe you can, EO! Fuck...I wish I could fast forward to where you are Granty! Reading and learning is a slow process. I've started though...so I'll finish xxx You'll get there! I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families - this was a big boost to me, to my growth (and - the dysfunction does not have to be from have an alcoholic parent - it seems that dysfunctional parents of most varieties end up making the same impacts on us kids). I also see a therapist. I also mindfully select whose stuff I view on FB (if it ain't positive & helpful, then I ain't very likely to engage with it - have dropped a lot of people on that site so as to not expose myself to their toxicity). Surprises for me included that the two grown women I thought were best friends turned out to be rather toxic - but I had not seen it when I was inside my marriage. I ended up wishing, a bit, that I had not confided a few things to them - things that belonged with my therapist only. But you WILL get through the learning curve! I know you will. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2016 10:52:16 GMT -5
"Enabling" is the big buzz word these days and the problem I have with this is that it is an opportunity for others to absolve themselves of blame by pointing the finger at their spouse and saying "They are enabling me" (it's not my fault because they don't hold me accountable) I feel more of us are settling rather than enabling. We already blame ourselves for enough crap, we don't need to get blamed for not policing our marriages.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 20, 2016 12:08:09 GMT -5
eternaloptimism 'keeping everyone happy' I know exactly what you mean. But I am convinced now that when you live as you are. You show your boundaries and you are respecting those of others, you become even more attractive because you are real. No pretending you are okay with being used anymore. You will be happier and that will spread happiness around you. And those who can’t handle that are not worth keeping. Now that's something to look forward to xx |
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