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Post by only4me2know on Oct 12, 2016 5:03:44 GMT -5
Hi all. Was hoping to share my story, please bare with me as it may be lengthy. I do apologize for that.
I'm recently married only 5 months, but 3 1/2 years together. We have ALWAYS had out ups and downs, and other "women" have always been an issue.
I've left him 3 times but for what ever reason I keep coming back. I usually say that his my addiction, like a drug addict.. he is my drug! I'm currently seeking help to figure out why my brain is so damaged to see how trully toxic he is for me.
I have tried EVERYTHING and not to be too blunt but when it comes to my man I'm willing to do WHATEVER it takes to please him. ANYTHING! But yet I still can't get my husbands attention in the ways of sex.
I've bought costumes for role playing, I've bought sex toys, ive even tried to wake him up with a BJ. And yet nothing I try seems to work. But he is ALWAYS watching porn (which I'm be down to watch with him). He texts other woman telling them he needs a stress releif and for them to come over and give him a BJ. I RIGHT here willing and waiting, trying to please him. I
KNOW it's NOT me, I'm NOT ugly by NO means, I'm not a prude, and ive had my fair share of lovers who NEVER had ANY complaints sexually! Hell I've ran in to a few exs and they ALWAYS remember my BJ skills! So why is it this man is being this way?
I really don't know what to do, I have packed my things and threatened to leave him. First he didn't have anything to say other than he's tired of arguing, and makes me out to be the bad guy.
I'm mean what the hell is wrong with him that makes him think that it's ok to be married and still "hang out" with other females. Oh and I forgot to mention some of these females are known hookers, they sell themselves on websites. And I'm supposed to be okay with it.
All I know is I'm tired of being in a loveless and sexless marriage. Since my threat of leaving he's been somewhat nicer, but it's just a cycle. Hell even tonight he was alone in his office with 1 female he KNOWS I CAN'T stand. This one I found out by his computer history he was watching porn with once.
I'm just lost and ready for peace and happiness.
Thank you for reading all of this and I look forward to your responses. Talking about it really helps!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 12, 2016 6:21:54 GMT -5
Hi all. Was hoping to share my story, please bare with me as it may be lengthy. I do apologize for that. I'm recently married only 5 months, but 3 1/2 years together. We have ALWAYS had out ups and downs, and other "women" have always been an issue. I've left him 3 times but for what ever reason I keep coming back. I usually say that his my addiction, like a drug addict.. he is my drug! I'm currently seeking help to figure out why my brain is so damaged to see how trully toxic he is for me. I have tried EVERYTHING and not to be too blunt but when it comes to my man I'm willing to do WHATEVER it takes to please him. ANYTHING! But yet I still can't get my husbands attention in the ways of sex. I've bought costumes for role playing, I've bought sex toys, ive even tried to wake him up with a BJ. And yet nothing I try seems to work. But he is ALWAYS watching porn (which I'm be down to watch with him). He texts other woman telling them he needs a stress releif and for them to come over and give him a BJ. I RIGHT here willing and waiting, trying to please him. I KNOW it's NOT me, I'm NOT ugly by NO means, I'm not a prude, and ive had my fair share of lovers who NEVER had ANY complaints sexually! Hell I've ran in to a few exs and they ALWAYS remember my BJ skills! So why is it this man is being this way? I really don't know what to do, I have packed my things and threatened to leave him. First he didn't have anything to say other than he's tired of arguing, and makes me out to be the bad guy. I'm mean what the hell is wrong with him that makes him think that it's ok to be married and still "hang out" with other females. Oh and I forgot to mention some of these females are known hookers, they sell themselves on websites. And I'm supposed to be okay with it. All I know is I'm tired of being in a loveless and sexless marriage. Since my threat of leaving he's been somewhat nicer, but it's just a cycle. Hell even tonight he was alone in his office with 1 female he KNOWS I CAN'T stand. This one I found out by his computer history he was watching porn with once. I'm just lost and ready for peace and happiness. Thank you for reading all of this and I look forward to your responses. Talking about it really helps! I think you're first step is therapy for you. If you have the spine to make the threat of leaving but not the self-respect to follow through then you're just teaching him that this is a game you play, you don't mean it, & all he has to do is wait - you'll be back so he can shit on you again. He - probably has a porn addiction. This is not a problem you can fix. It's likely a waste of your time & life energy to try. You are responsible for you, not for him. So to me, the question isn't what is his deal. The right question is why do you keep accepting his poor treatment of you. I hope you find good info on this site & that your therapist can help you see you are worth so much more than this. You do not have to accept this treatment. You can find your own happiness. Good luck navigating it! |
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Post by baza on Oct 12, 2016 23:24:35 GMT -5
Sister only4me2know.
He presents as a bloke who is habitually unfaithful in real life, prefers porn over you, extraordinarily self centered, completely non empathetic, and in general, a prick of a bloke.
And, as a sidebar, there is no sex.
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The lack of sex ain't the problem (it rarely is in this group, rather, the sex is the obvious tip of a substantial iceberg).
The secondary problem is, that your spouse is not much of a human being.
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The primary problem is your inability to stay gone, on the 3 occasions you have left.
It could be that your 3 escape attempts were not particularly well planned, it could be that your own thinking is an issue. It could be a bit of both.
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Suggestions
1 - See a counsellor / therapist and put your story in front of them. A trained and objective 3rd party can be extraordinarily helpful.
2(a) - Consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish exactly how a divorce would shake out for you.
2(b) - Start constructing an exit strategy within the framework of that legal advice, and start knocking it in to do-able status.
2(c) - Start shoring up and consolidating your support network, to help you thru what is to come.
2(d) - Start researching everything you can about helping kids transition thru such an event (if appropriate)
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Hopefully, given a bit of time and hard work with your counsellor, you will successfully challenge your thinking and be mentally prepared for attempt #4, and by then hopefully you will have the logistics and all figured out in your exit strategy.
And, at that point, you will make a successful and permanent departure from your ILIASM shithole.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2016 0:51:54 GMT -5
Hi all. Was hoping to share my story, please bare with me as it may be lengthy. I do apologize for that. I'm recently married only 5 months, but 3 1/2 years together. We have ALWAYS had out ups and downs, and other "women" have always been an issue. I've left him 3 times but for what ever reason I keep coming back. I usually say that his my addiction, like a drug addict.. he is my drug! I'm currently seeking help to figure out why my brain is so damaged to see how trully toxic he is for me. I have tried EVERYTHING and not to be too blunt but when it comes to my man I'm willing to do WHATEVER it takes to please him. ANYTHING! But yet I still can't get my husbands attention in the ways of sex. I've bought costumes for role playing, I've bought sex toys, ive even tried to wake him up with a BJ. And yet nothing I try seems to work. But he is ALWAYS watching porn (which I'm be down to watch with him). He texts other woman telling them he needs a stress releif and for them to come over and give him a BJ. I RIGHT here willing and waiting, trying to please him. I KNOW it's NOT me, I'm NOT ugly by NO means, I'm not a prude, and ive had my fair share of lovers who NEVER had ANY complaints sexually! Hell I've ran in to a few exs and they ALWAYS remember my BJ skills! So why is it this man is being this way? I really don't know what to do, I have packed my things and threatened to leave him. First he didn't have anything to say other than he's tired of arguing, and makes me out to be the bad guy. I'm mean what the hell is wrong with him that makes him think that it's ok to be married and still "hang out" with other females. Oh and I forgot to mention some of these females are known hookers, they sell themselves on websites. And I'm supposed to be okay with it. All I know is I'm tired of being in a loveless and sexless marriage. Since my threat of leaving he's been somewhat nicer, but it's just a cycle. Hell even tonight he was alone in his office with 1 female he KNOWS I CAN'T stand. This one I found out by his computer history he was watching porn with once. I'm just lost and ready for peace and happiness. Thank you for reading all of this and I look forward to your responses. Talking about it really helps! What's wrong with him that makes him a subhuman prick is irrelevant. What's relevant is what makes you stay with a subhuman prick. Since you have left on numerous occasions I am assuming you are not financially dependent on him. So I can think of a few other possibilities: You are trying to save him. You don't think you deserve or can get anything better. He has a great deal of emotional control over you. You are an enabler. Your family background has instilled in your head that this is normal. You are punishing yourself for some real or imagined transgression. Or... It might help if you could shed some light on *your* whys. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2016 13:51:32 GMT -5
only4me2know: Re-read what you have written about this man. Now, ask yourself: What does he have to offer that is good for you?
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 14, 2016 1:24:01 GMT -5
only4me2know: Re-read what you have written about this man. Now, ask yourself: What does he have to offer that is good for you? Whoa. only4me2know... I'm with @smartkat on this one. His behavior is way beyond salvageable. He may eventually turn himself around - when that happens, be happy for him and his next wife. Meanwhile, cut your losses with this reprobate and move on with a better relationship - that won't be hard. Hang around here long enough and you'll enjoy SK launching a tirade at women who deny willing husbands. I'm on the other side of that coin - I can only dream of getting a BJ from my wife, let alone a good one... so it really, really pisses me off when a guy disrespects what a willing wife is offering. |
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Post by itsjustus on Oct 15, 2016 17:06:29 GMT -5
only4me2know , you're going to get a lot of good advice here from some very caring people. People who understand the horrible feeling of rejection, of feeling invisible, of feeling abused. But honestly, I'd say the majority not in anything near as much an extreme situation as you seem to be. But still, damn good, though painfully learned advice.....Which is why I'm not going to give you any. I was in an abusive marriage, painfully so, though again, nothing as extreme as yours. And perhaps that's my point. I've used the word extreme two times now. I hope that's caught your eye. That word is reserved for very bad situations, dire situations. One that everyone recognizes as bordering on catastrophic. Everyone! Except, at times, the victim. I believe, in your situation, you are that exception. *I* was that exception as well. For many, many years. I just didn't see it. I was clueless. Was it bad! Sure! Did it suck to be me? Oh yeah!!! Did I hate it? Oh God yes!! But others saw it. All around me. Friends, family...even my own kids! Clearly! After I left, I heard comment after comment from all sorts of people saying "I have no idea how you stayed in such an extremely abusive marriage for so long!" But no one said a damn thing DURING it! Until I came here (actually EP, the predecessor to this forum) Reading here opened my eyes. Readjng others advice opened my eyes. Reading story's of people trapped in loveless, cold, empty marriages. Or marriages where "everything was fine, except the sex". Looking for help. Looking for advice. I told my story, but reading about their situations, I also jumped right in, dispensing advice right and left. Feeling so sad for their suffering. I gave heartfelt, (hopefully) helpful advice. Until it hit me. A lot of them were "better off" than me!! I stopped and looked at me and realized...what would I tell myself if I were reading MY story? As someone else? What heartfelt, (hopefully) helpful advice would I give myself? A question for you - If you were someone else, listening to what you're going through, what would you tell them? There's no wrong answer. There's only the question, to yourself, and your heartfelt, (hopefull) helpful advice, to yourself. I hope that helps you find your answer, for yourself. I feel so bad for your situation. This place is filled with lots of very heartfelt, (hopefully) helpful advice. Everyone here is pulling for you.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 15, 2016 17:18:19 GMT -5
only4me2know - all good advice you got so far. Only thing I can add: How would you feel if you had a daughter and a man was treating her this way? You are someone's daughter! You deserve better. Treat yourself better first and get rid of the piece of shit you are married to.
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Post by itsjustus on Oct 15, 2016 23:27:07 GMT -5
only4me2know - all good advice you got so far. Only thing I can add: How would you feel if you had a daughter and a man was treating her this way? You are someone's daughter! You deserve better. Treat yourself better first and get rid of the piece of shit you are married to.
This
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Post by itsjustus on Oct 15, 2016 23:35:47 GMT -5
** Wow, I'm out for a few days and I get multiple tags in the posts here. OK, I have to respond briefly though I have to log out shortly. baza I appreciate your compliments from a related post as well but this one appeared chronologically first so I'm responding to it. itsjustus , let me just say that, even in my turned around marriage... going from SM to some kind of normalcy... I personally wouldn't think of it as "reaching the heights" of some mountain top of a perfect marriage. It's far from it. I think it went from the precipice of hell (I was so close to walking) up to an "average" marriage. No higher. I still do not think we are soul mates, and I personally don't believe in that concept. I think there are varying degrees of compatibility. We have some things in common, but there are several other things that we have big differences... different likes... and things I didn't see at the time when I was young and naive and in love and when I proposed... at the mature age of 23. Regarding making the marriage work, it's like you all said so far... It takes good 2-way communication and some honest listening and trying to meet each other's needs, despite your differences. That is how we were able to make this thing work. That is how we got sex back in the marriage. When people talk about having sex, I'm sure most people think primarily of two things: (1) how often, and (2) what kind. Our turnaround occurred in January 2014 and I'd say on average we've had sex about once a week since then. Since January 2014 there's never been a gap where the sex slowed down to less than 2x/month, which would have been very rare. I will say for whatever reason we've been on a very slight decline but not too bad. My point of concern would be if we were averaging 3 times a month or less, which we're not. So just on quantity on the one hand it's been amazing... going from essentially zero to 50 times a year is like night and day. You need that to keep an intimate connection going. You need that in a marriage, hands down. But on the other hand... what kind of sex.... for us it's almost always scheduled and the same routine. This relates to the conservative upbringing my W had and it's tough to change. I'll have to have a separate post on the specifics as to why we haven't had some extended 1+ hour mind-blowing sex yet, but there are a few factors. It's possible for my W to change further but it takes work / effort... and for now, at least we have a basic routine going and, coming from a nearly 20 year SM I really can't complain much. It's currently way better than I've ever had it. Two way communication. Understanding. Compromise. Empathy. Willingness to change. Willingness to *give* to one another. That's where it's at. TL2 I'm sorry to hear that. There can be so much more..... |
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Post by thefullmoon on Oct 19, 2016 8:26:38 GMT -5
In the few turnarounds you'll see, you'll usually find an ultimatum. Counseling, date nights, endless Talks, crying, begging, and bending over backwards to please a refuser do not effect change. Saying - and meaning - unless X happens, now, this marriage is over, is the only way to reasonably expect some slim likelihood of change. And yes that means you may lose your marriage, because you have to mean it. If you're not willing to vote with your feet, it might be best to work at accepting the situation. On my blog, I have a couple of phrases that I use over and over again, like a mantra. One says "If you maintain the status quo, the status will always remain quo." The other I use so often that I've started to abbreviate it: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got." -->> IYADWYAD, YAGWYAG. Can I keep the last sentence,please? I will mention your copy rights fir abbrevation! ☺ |
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Post by csl on Oct 19, 2016 9:06:16 GMT -5
The sentence I've seen attributed to Anthony Robbins, Einstein, Henry Ford and Mark Twain. The abbreviation I came up with simply to cut down on typing. It's something of a mantra on my blog, and I just didn't feel like typing it over and over.  Proper attribution for the abbrevations would be Curmudgeonly Librarian. |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 19, 2016 9:35:22 GMT -5
The sentence I've seen attributed to Anthony Robbins, Einstein, Henry Ford and Mark Twain. The abbreviation I came up with simply to cut down on typing. It's something of a mantra on my blog, and I just didn't feel like typing it over and over. Proper attribution for the abbrevations would be Curmudgeonly Librarian. Also attributed to Einstein: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result |
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Post by csl on Oct 19, 2016 10:22:50 GMT -5
The sentence I've seen attributed to Anthony Robbins, Einstein, Henry Ford and Mark Twain. The abbreviation I came up with simply to cut down on typing. It's something of a mantra on my blog, and I just didn't feel like typing it over and over. Proper attribution for the abbrevations would be Curmudgeonly Librarian. Also attributed to Einstein: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result That line has made its appearance on my blog, although not with the frequency of IYADWYAD, YAGWYAG. |
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Post by thefullmoon on Oct 19, 2016 14:37:40 GMT -5
Also attributed to Einstein: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result That line has made its appearance on my blog, although not with the frequency of IYADWYAD, YAGWYAG. Both are my favourite...though never thought of abbrevation ☺ |
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