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Post by baza on Sept 29, 2016 22:05:36 GMT -5
The bear makes a highly valid point.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 30, 2016 12:30:59 GMT -5
Contrary opinion warning! becca, clues as to why you couldn't do it all over your post. Potentially "great" sex. Wax and mani/pedi. "I decided this was absolutely going to happen." "taking back my life" "mind blowing sex by night." "create delicious memories" There was absolutely no way that the night could have lived up to the build up. Probably something inside of you knew that. And the last thing that any of us in this situation want is to be disappointed. Again. With all due respect to all the advice above, forget connection. As someone who has been there, and has been with others n the same predicament, you really just need to be open to the situation. No pressure. No expectation. Just an openness. Then you will find that all the parts work. And that you can be desirable. That you can be pleasured. And that the world will keep spinning after. Only after that will you have a baseline to create mindblowing life-altering experiences. Or have soulmate connections. Or just keep f*cking. Good luck! I very much agree with a lot of this comment. In my mind sex is not such a sacred thing anymore especially since I'm single now. Connection, I feel comes as a result of sex. Sex also improves with comfort and having sex with someone on a steady basis it improves as does the relationship whatever that label is. What is more important for me to want to have sex with someone initially is an attraction to them, chemistry, curiosity, conversation, openness, and of course I screen them with certain questions. I whole heartedly believe before people have sex they should talk about it : likes, dislikes, fantasies, fetishes, etc. At this point of my life if there's someone I want to have sex with and they want sex with me I'm definitely going for it. becca - I think outsourcing is crossing a huge line that you can't take back and it took me almost a year of thinking about it to get myself to do it. So I understand as much as you may have wanted to do it (behaviorally) you may not have been ready for it (emotionally). |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2016 12:48:38 GMT -5
Contrary opinion warning! becca, clues as to why you couldn't do it all over your post. Potentially "great" sex. Wax and mani/pedi. "I decided this was absolutely going to happen." "taking back my life" "mind blowing sex by night." "create delicious memories" There was absolutely no way that the night could have lived up to the build up. Probably something inside of you knew that. And the last thing that any of us in this situation want is to be disappointed. Again. With all due respect to all the advice above, forget connection. As someone who has been there, and has been with others n the same predicament, you really just need to be open to the situation. No pressure. No expectation. Just an openness. Then you will find that all the parts work. And that you can be desirable. That you can be pleasured. And that the world will keep spinning after. Only after that will you have a baseline to create mindblowing life-altering experiences. Or have soulmate connections. Or just keep f*cking. Good luck! I very much agree with a lot of this comment. In my mind sex is not such a sacred thing anymore especially since I'm single now. Connection, I feel comes as a result of sex. Sex also improves with comfort and having sex with someone on a steady basis it improves as does the relationship whatever that label is. What is more important for me to want to have sex with someone initially is an attraction to them, chemistry, curiosity, conversation, openness, and of course I screen them with certain questions. I whole heartedly believe before people have sex they should talk about it : likes, dislikes, fantasies, fetishes, etc. At this point of my life if there's someone I want to have sex with and they want sex with me I'm definitely going for it. becca - I think outsourcing is crossing a huge line that you can't take back and it took me almost a year of thinking about it to get myself to do it. So I understand as much as you may have wanted to do it (behaviorally) you may not have been ready for it (emotionally). Yeah I didn't seriously consider outsourcing until I told my wife we were divorcing. It would have been too emotionally complicated to do it before. And yes, if you're compatible, it does get better and better! Monogamy isn't a frumpy old idea. It has very real and big benefits, if you're with the right person. If not, well, you end up here. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Sept 30, 2016 14:34:39 GMT -5
Becca, I can say that I have a similar pattern.
I WANT TO DO THE DEED - YES - OVER AND OVER but I take the conversation to the point with just enough innuendo to at least believe it could happen if either I went for it or just asked. Somehow knowing that I could is enough validation but I always sabotage before it actually happens.
The first time was with a bank teller down in Ft. Myers. I dropped a hint at going on a 3 day Bahamas cruise - and she was good with it!!! but she wanted to meet for lunch to "talk" and make the relationship a bit more meaningful than just the mild flirting. I did but then I cooled off and did not take the trip. But it was very helpful knowing that I was acceptable and desirable even if W made it clear otherwise.
I must say that if you and I had planned this and we shopped together for that "fun attire" I'm not sure we would not have gone at it multiple x's the same night!
your reasons 2 & 3 are probably my reasons..... I do want to like and respect the person before the deed.....
C
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 30, 2016 15:06:40 GMT -5
Becca, it sounds like you made the right decision for where you are. There's no need to rush things, and speaking for myself (and I'm sure others will agree), the list of times I've regretted having sex with somebody is much longer than the list of times I've regretted not having sex with somebody. In situations like these, best to play it safe and chalk it up as a chance to learn about yourself, rather than getting into a situation you'll regret and feel bad about later. Those tend to not help with personal growth.
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Post by 3000more on Sept 30, 2016 15:12:05 GMT -5
What if it would have been just the tip? Is that really sex ?
Just kidding, just kidding, just kissing!
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Post by becca on Oct 2, 2016 0:19:18 GMT -5
I have passed once. I didn't believe this particular friend - he claimed SM (but I had already shared my experience). We kissed a bit, & a little more than that, but ultimately I said I had to go. This was last Nov & it felt dishonest to LoverMan (even though that is ridiculous- I still felt that). I thought that sex-only would scratch the itch & W/Loverman it almost did. But that went on too long & I fell for him too (which was painful & protracted to get over). This above is a dilemma to me - but you are still IN & I think that's a huge difference (I was out, or close enough- the news had been given, the papers started). Be true to yourself no matter what-- and it sounds like you were. Thank you, grantgeek. Yes, as great as casual sex sounds, I would want to have some connection and the minute that is present there is a risk I am going to fall for him. And I am still IN with maybe a toe out the door. Thank you, girl. |
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Post by ggold on Oct 2, 2016 0:24:52 GMT -5
becca You did what was right for you in that moment. Truthfully speaking, I would have caved and then probably regretted it.
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Post by becca on Oct 2, 2016 0:25:23 GMT -5
Contrary opinion warning! becca , clues as to why you couldn't do it all over your post. Potentially "great" sex. Wax and mani/pedi. "I decided this was absolutely going to happen." "taking back my life" "mind blowing sex by night." "create delicious memories" There was absolutely no way that the night could have lived up to the build up. Probably something inside of you knew that. And the last thing that any of us in this situation want is to be disappointed. Again. With all due respect to all the advice above, forget connection. As someone who has been there, and has been with others n the same predicament, you really just need to be open to the situation. No pressure. No expectation. Just an openness. Then you will find that all the parts work. And that you can be desirable. That you can be pleasured. And that the world will keep spinning after. Only after that will you have a baseline to create mindblowing life-altering experiences. Or have soulmate connections. Or just keep f*cking. Good luck! Very interesting contrary points, dancing bear. Were those really all my words? It definitely sounds like I was creating quite the build up and it probably would not have lived up to my planning thoughts. "open, no pressure, no expectations" I think you are on to something. |
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Post by becca on Oct 2, 2016 1:01:58 GMT -5
Wow, the feedback has been awesome and so much insight. Thank you all. I know we all have our own unique story but you still get it. You know the pain and loneliness of a SM. There isn't another group of people in my life that would understand all this. So thank you for listening and for all of the truly thoughtful responses. bballgirl, "I think outsourcing is crossing a huge line that you can't take back and it took me almost a year of thinking about it to get myself to do it. So I understand as much as you may have wanted to do it (behaviorally) you may not have been ready for it (emotionally)." I 100% agree and definitely think that was in play even though I didn't have it on my list. charmedheart, "Would sex mean something with your husband after nine years? Even if my husband wanted to, I couldn't phantom even the remote possibility. There is nothing there." This is something I have been pondering since I arrived at this board. All I wanted were touches, caresses, and sex but the truth is, if my H made a miraculous turn around, I would probably be the one rejecting him now. Too much neglect. @dan "Once I cross this bridge, I can never uncross it. I know that it is opening a door which in all likelihood I will use again. And possibly: repeatedly. And it may even ultimately lead to the dissolution of my marriage... and I'm not ready to sign up for that... so I'm not ready to cross this bridge." Oh yes. That is a legitimate concern. And that is a door that will be hard to close once opened. wewbwb- "That idea I can still be found desirable from someone who knows my faults and flaws, fears and doubts, and still wants me? Amazing. Liberating." I absolutely agree but I think that depth of connection takes time and it is much more than sex at that point. @andie -"A partner who understands your needs and desires and actually gives a shit about you is, well, I swoon just thinking about it." Yes, that. I just want that again before I die. I swoon too for that possible outcome in the future. Thanks, Andie |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 2, 2016 2:38:37 GMT -5
Wow, the feedback has been awesome and so much insight. Thank you all. I know we all have our own unique story but you still get it. You know the pain and loneliness of a SM. There isn't another group of people in my life that would understand all this. So thank you for listening and for all of the truly thoughtful responses. bballgirl, "I think outsourcing is crossing a huge line that you can't take back and it took me almost a year of thinking about it to get myself to do it. So I understand as much as you may have wanted to do it (behaviorally) you may not have been ready for it (emotionally)." I 100% agree and definitely think that was in play even though I didn't have it on my list. charmedheart, "Would sex mean something with your husband after nine years? Even if my husband wanted to, I couldn't phantom even the remote possibility. There is nothing there." This is something I have been pondering since I arrived at this board. All I wanted were touches, caresses, and sex but the truth is, if my H made a miraculous turn around, I would probably be the one rejecting him now. Too much neglect. @dan "Once I cross this bridge, I can never uncross it. I know that it is opening a door which in all likelihood I will use again. And possibly: repeatedly. And it may even ultimately lead to the dissolution of my marriage... and I'm not ready to sign up for that... so I'm not ready to cross this bridge." Oh yes. That is a legitimate concern. And that is a door that will be hard to close once opened. wewbwb- "That idea I can still be found desirable from someone who knows my faults and flaws, fears and doubts, and still wants me? Amazing. Liberating." I absolutely agree but I think that depth of connection takes time and it is much more than sex at that point. @andie -"A partner who understands your needs and desires and actually gives a shit about you is, well, I swoon just thinking about it." Yes, that. I just want that again before I die. I swoon too for that possible outcome in the future. Thanks, Andie I missed all this Becca. Fwiw I began outsourcing in Nov last year and stopped months ago. It's too emotionless with one, too full of emotion with another (his not mine!) and generally helps you feel a bit better to feel desired and wanted, but my God, the lies and the guilt eat you up. So it's online flirting for me for now  until my balls grow and I leave that it then..... game on! Hugs to you lovely xxx |
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Oct 2, 2016 16:53:58 GMT -5
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Post by Dan on Oct 2, 2016 20:50:19 GMT -5
This is something I have been pondering since I arrived at this board. All I wanted were touches, caresses, and sex but the truth is, if my H made a miraculous turn around, I would probably be the one rejecting him now. Too much neglect. "Too much neglect." So succinct, so true. This is a very similar point that I made recently discussing with cagedtiger : losing trustOn the EP ILIASM group, this stage was often called "counter-refusing". I'm not sure it is the best term, but I'm definitely at that point. It has taken a while for it to sink in, that that is where I am. But -- for me at least -- it means I'm no longer sad about my situation. I'm owning that "I'm at that point", and the ball is in my court to make the next move. Not saying it is easy to make the tough decisions and follow through, but recognizing it is in its way empowering. |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 2, 2016 22:04:42 GMT -5
The way I see it: our refusers spent years training us not to want them. In most cases they did a very good job.
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Post by Dan on Oct 2, 2016 23:16:58 GMT -5
I liked this speaker and her talk very much. Very thought provoking. Covered many of the modern motivations for infidelity, and then segued to a brief discussion of how a couple needs to approach things when an affair is exposed. I'd like to suggest you consider posting this in the "Resources" board, and/or "Best of EP and the Web", as it may be of use to others who come to this forum but don't catch the reference to it in this thread of becca's. |
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until my balls grow and I leave that it then..... game on! 
