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Post by becca on Sept 28, 2016 23:56:27 GMT -5
All I think about is sex, or lack of it, these days thanks to this forum. Seriously, it's a little like opening Pandora's box. I can't close it now.
I was traveling on business the early part of this week. I have a male friend who was traveling as well. We have known one another for years but only met once and kissed. Just kissed. But he had been flirty and suggested we get together since we were going to be in the same town for the first time ever (since the kiss). We have never even been in the same state and often times not in the same country.
I decided this was absolutely going to happen. I was breaking my 9 year no sex streak and taking back my life, at least this part of it. I shopped for cute bra and panties, got a Brazilian and had my nails freshly done. Everything was perfect. I was going to work by day and have mind blowing sex by night. And I was going to create delicious memories.
We met in my hotel lobby. He looked and smelled ridiculously good. We sat and talked and shared about our lives. In the end, I just couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me. He gave me a kiss and pressed his room key in my hand and told me to come up any time while I was there and walked away. Anytime. The most sensual face to face experience I have had in...years.
So I ponder why I passed on not just one night, but two nights.
1) Possibly just fear. He didn't know I hadn't had sex in 9 years. That seemed daunting.
2) Could it be after all this "gotta have sex" that I really still wanted it to be with someone special and not just sex? He was sexy but not special to me in that way.
3) Fear of guilt afterwards is another option. Cheating is a little frowned upon down in these parts.
Regrets? Eh...It would have been confirmation that I am still a woman that a man finds attractive and sexy. And it would have just been done. I would have officially been back in the saddle.
Has anyone else had an opportunity and passed on it. If so, why?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2016 0:19:24 GMT -5
Maybe that is it, potentially great sex. For me the first time, or few times things are slow and nice, but not what I would call great sex. Great experience yes...
I never had, nor will I ever have a one night stand. But in this case, you already knew him, so there was potential, I suppose. (not in the one night category)
You want me, a man, to guess why a woman did not go for it? Come on, you gotta be kidding. If I knew that I would go to Vegas and win big.
Thanks for the insight of what makes you feel sexy. I find that quite interesting.
I really have to connect with someone, even though it has been years for me.
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charmedheart
New Member
Being Sassy and Sexless ... tis a curse.
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Post by charmedheart on Sept 29, 2016 0:57:17 GMT -5
You will know when you are ready. I hope you find it in love. Only just sex is meaningless. Would sex mean something with your husband after nine years? Even if my husband wanted to, I couldn't phantom even the remote possibility. There is nothing there. A fling would feel just as empty.
That's just my opinion.
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Post by baza on Sept 29, 2016 1:03:51 GMT -5
I got offered a root at a party one night.
However, the offer came from a work acquaintance of my missus and although I was pretty hammered at the time, the klaxon horn went off in my head loud enough to suggest that this was most likely a set up, and, if I acquiesced to this offer, the offer would be withdrawn on some pretext or other and that my missus would in short order be informed that I was ready to have a crack outside our deal. And that would be held over me for ever.
So I graciously declined.
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I honestly do not know to this day whether it was a set up or not.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 29, 2016 6:51:36 GMT -5
I have passed once. I didn't believe this particular friend - he claimed SM (but I had already shared my experience). We kissed a bit, & a little more than that, but ultimately I said I had to go. This was last Nov & it felt dishonest to LoverMan (even though that is ridiculous- I still felt that).
I thought that sex-only would scratch the itch & W/Loverman it almost did. But that went on too long & I fell for him too (which was painful & protracted to get over).
This above is a dilemma to me - but you are still IN & I think that's a huge difference (I was out, or close enough- the news had been given, the papers started).
Be true to yourself no matter what-- and it sounds like you were.
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Post by Dan on Sept 29, 2016 7:41:46 GMT -5
becca : I think you made the right choice, because it felt "true" at that moment. You list a few possible reasons why you made that choice. I think it is useful to ponder, but not necessary to "figure out which" of those was your "real" motivation. Like I said, you had the emotional self-awareness to do "what felt to be the true you" at that moment. Props to you for that. I'll suggest one more possible reason, and ask if this isn't going through the back of your mind: "Once I cross this bridge, I can never uncross it. I know that it is opening a door which in all likelihood I will use again. And possibly: repeatedly. And it may even ultimately lead to the dissolution of my marriage... and I'm not ready to sign up for that... so I'm not ready to cross this bridge." Any chance that rings true? Perhaps his offer and your obvious desire to prepare (bra, waxing) were sufficient at this time to show yourself you are "still a woman that a man finds attractive and sexy". Perhaps THAT is what you really needed at this time. All's good. No need to push yourself to act at this time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2016 9:02:29 GMT -5
I feel for you Becca. In my times outsourcing, it was much better with a connection. Sex for sex's sake isn't satisfying. A partner who understands your needs and desires and actually gives a shit about you is, well, I swoon just thinking about it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 29, 2016 10:02:03 GMT -5
Perhaps if you had been told, "come to my room with me", he would have been much more in control aggressive,and dominate, all things your spouse refuses to do. Instead you were the one who had to take the aggressive approach by showing up at his door? Just a thought.
I am in agreement with you. I feel there is going to be a strong connection,about my SM background, so my partner and I understand the fear, awkwardness,shyness, and happiness, all at the same time! Yet I have also gone through crazy emotional stages of desiring a one night stand, just to finally feel desired and worthy again!
I hope you left feeling desired and worthy,heck I have feelings of desire and worthiness for women on here having never seen them,just from the personality that radiates through there stories,emotions,and humor. This can happen without sex to a degree. For me sex is a higher level, that is a natural progression, that needs to be valued. You deserve that, we all do!
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 29, 2016 10:41:47 GMT -5
Only speaking for myself, I can state that sex with a connection is much more fulfilling. Sex with a friend, one that you have more than just a "mechanical" relationship with, is so far above one nighter that they really aren't even the same thing.
One is an expression of the desire for who and what you are as a person, and friend. That you are - exactly as you are - special and wonderful. In fact, I'd go as far to say, the closer the friendship, the more meaningful. That idea I can still be found desirable from someone who knows my faults and flaws, fears and doubts, and still wants me? Amazing. Liberating.
The other is a just a sex toy that just happens to be 98.6 degrees (or 37c).
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 29, 2016 11:13:21 GMT -5
becca, perhaps you saw it as a milestone event, and when it came down to it there was more "head" than "heart" in the decision. Maybe you weren't committed to crossing that bridge, and there wasn't enough there to nudge you over the line, even though you were prepared. Leaving you with a key instead of leading you by the hand was definitely the low-pressure approach. But perhaps that also made it feel too "transactional"? Maybe even though you've known him for years, you realized it was going to be "just sex", and you're wanting something much more intimate than just physical - despite how validating it would have been. I haven't found myself that close to the line before, though I've had many prime opportunities that I chose not to develop for the same reasons. 1-2 nights wouldn't begin to touch the depth of what I'd want, though it would be intoxicating just to have a woman respond to my touch and trust me enough to enjoy it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 29, 2016 12:02:41 GMT -5
becca , perhaps you saw it as a milestone event, and when it came down to it there was more "head" than "heart" in the decision. Maybe you weren't committed to crossing that bridge, and there wasn't enough there to nudge you over the line, even though you were prepared. Leaving you with a key instead of leading you by the hand was definitely the low-pressure approach. But perhaps that also made it feel too "transactional"? Maybe even though you've known him for years, you realized it was going to be "just sex", and you're wanting something much more intimate than just physical - despite how validating it would have been. I haven't found myself that close to the line before, though I've had many prime opportunities that I chose not to develop for the same reasons. 1-2 nights wouldn't begin to touch the depth of what I'd want, though it would be intoxicating just to have a woman respond to my touch and trust me enough to enjoy it. You're a great communicator! very well said! Trust is so important. With the trust comes the relaxation to perform and enjoy. Hard to do with the burden of being married, getting caught, reputation etc... Some people have little conscience about those things, I believe it is safe to say that this crowd is the opposite. Being the victim in a SM. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2016 17:42:25 GMT -5
The first time having sex after going without for many years can be disappointing. Often anxiety can overwhelm the feelings of desire you have. Although, after a few times, some people can start to relax and enjoy it.
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Post by dancingbear70 on Sept 29, 2016 19:24:24 GMT -5
Contrary opinion warning! becca, clues as to why you couldn't do it all over your post. Potentially "great" sex. Wax and mani/pedi. "I decided this was absolutely going to happen." "taking back my life" "mind blowing sex by night." "create delicious memories" There was absolutely no way that the night could have lived up to the build up. Probably something inside of you knew that. And the last thing that any of us in this situation want is to be disappointed. Again. With all due respect to all the advice above, forget connection. As someone who has been there, and has been with others n the same predicament, you really just need to be open to the situation. No pressure. No expectation. Just an openness. Then you will find that all the parts work. And that you can be desirable. That you can be pleasured. And that the world will keep spinning after. Only after that will you have a baseline to create mindblowing life-altering experiences. Or have soulmate connections. Or just keep f*cking. Good luck! |
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Post by Dan on Sept 29, 2016 21:41:15 GMT -5
You really just need to be open to the situation. No pressure. No expectation. Just an openness. Then you will find that all the parts work. And that you can be desirable. That you can be pleasured. And that the world will keep spinning after. Only after that will you have a baseline to create mindblowing life-altering experiences. Or have soulmate connections. Or just keep f*cking. Wow. I think dancingbear70 really nailed it. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 29, 2016 21:57:09 GMT -5
Hear! Hear! Dancing Bear - excellent points.
Thinking back - the one I went for was entirely expectation-free. I think you found a right explanation here.
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