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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 3, 2016 6:50:22 GMT -5
Our tenancy agreement is up on 1Nov.
Had an email from the landlord asking will we be wanting to stay on here and if so how long would we like the tenancy to be for.
I'm my head, this is a great opportunity.
Tell him it's over when tenancy is up, move in with mother round the corner, save some pennies and get a nice 3 bed apartment for me and the lads.
I planned to go speak to mother about this today as she has been wanting me to leave him for years.
My mother, who has been very vocal about what a waste of space the man is etc etc, is all mouth and no trousers.
When I mentioned that this could be my opportunity to escape, she looked at me as though I'd just pissed in her coffee. She couldn't see how this could be an opportunity.
I wanted to shake her and ask can I come home. Please. Just for a short while? But she just changed the subject and started waffling about my sisters shitty relationship.
But I couldn't. The same thing happened with her as when I try to talk to the man.
All the words were there but they wouldnt fucking come out.
What's wrong with me.
Why can't I speak up for what I want?
I'm fuckind destined to stay in this shit hole relationship forever because of myself.
I'm really really fucking pissed off with myself.
I can see the future. It involves misery, frustration, anger, resentment, and lots of cats and bags if I don't do something.
I'm screaming inside.
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Post by unmatched on Sept 3, 2016 7:04:11 GMT -5
She is your mum. She has to listen to you. If she is only round the corner, go back and talk to her again. If she thinks your are wrong or doesn't want to help, make her say no.
You can do this. It is not like talking to your H but it is a very good dry run for it.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 3, 2016 7:27:09 GMT -5
I did have the little one with me. But he was busy in another room.
She did say to come and talk to her again when he's not with me but fuck. I just dry up when I have to ask for something.
I just can't speak up for myself.
I think about just running away a lot. Leaving the kids even. People will probably judge me harshly for that. But I do think about it.
But I know I could never do that. That would be the kids lives fucked forever.
I just feel like I'm living someone else's life. It's certainly not the one I want.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 3, 2016 7:45:11 GMT -5
Try writing it down. Hand it to mom, then discuss it. just that gesture should tell her how important it is to you.
Don't feel bad. I'm going through something similar on a smaller scale. I bought my own computer last week. I am afraid to read the instructions. seriously! I have been so conditioned/trained to screwing up on our computers and getting moved aside with, "here I'll do it, 200 steps later,there it's ready."
I need to call some old friends and ask for guidance, I dry up when I have to ask for something. It probably has to do with being rejected,(feeling like a stupid moron)never taught and shown enough times until I am comfortable doing it myself.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 3, 2016 7:53:53 GMT -5
Fear of rejection is one of my big things too GC.
It's funny isn't it how some people just breeze through hat kind of thing.
I might try the writing it down thing. Thank you xxx
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 3, 2016 7:54:03 GMT -5
This is definitely not all your fault. Your mom obviously hates the dud, but isn't willing to put rubber to road to help her own daughter get rid of him when an opportunity presents itself. So much for support. And with no safety net there for you, and remembering what you told us about what happened last time you left, and with every reasonable expectation that it's going to happen again, it's understandable. Reach out to other friends nearby, or maybe your sisters. I don't know how it works in the UK, but in many places here in the States you can get help from the Police if you're trying to leave and are afraid of domestic violence. Maybe have the talk with your sons first too ( though not having kids, I could be way, way off here). We're still pulling for you, honey. You're not done yet but a long shot.  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 3, 2016 8:21:53 GMT -5
Fear of rejection is one of my big things too GC. It's funny isn't it how some people just breeze through hat kind of thing. I might try the writing it down thing. Thank you xxx They breeze through it because they deny it. Attack you. And then reverse it making them the victim. when i see my therapist I get my point across, and get so much more said when I read it to them. Many times it's straight from what i post here. that way I don't get interrupted, attacked, my words and thoughts don't get reversed, my thoughts were heard, there is no doubt. If things get denied or turned around, I can repeat it ,reread it, hammer it home. You still may get denied,but you know that your voice was heard. |
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Post by unmatched on Sept 3, 2016 8:29:46 GMT -5
She said come back and talk to her. So phone her and say you need to talk. By the time you get there she will have had lots of time to think about it and won't be caught by surprise. And it will be a lot easier to say what you want to say.
Don't take her initial reaction as a total rejection because it probably isn't. I know it is so tempting to hide in your shell, but it is time to hold your head up and be proud and strong. At least with your mum you can do that.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 3, 2016 8:41:41 GMT -5
The worst feeling in the world to me is REGRET! If you don't ask your mom you will regret it, the worst she can say is No. I agree with everything unmatched said, make her say NO. Your future is worth asking her to move in. It wouldn't be forever either. That is what family is for. Be brave take a chance on your future! You got this honey!! Big hugs! |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2016 10:06:36 GMT -5
eternaloptimism You are a wonderful person! Your humour is magic(spelled like that just for you)! Everyone loves you! You are pure barry! (is that English or Scottish?) I want to give you a gigantic Bear hug from Southern California! XOXOXOXO
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 3, 2016 10:50:46 GMT -5
I'm properly blubbing like a little fucking babyhere.
I'm so glad I found you lot.
Thank you for giving a shit.
Xxxxx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 3, 2016 10:51:42 GMT -5
eternaloptimism You are a wonderful person! Your humour is magic(spelled like that just for you)! Everyone loves you! You are pure barry! (is that English or Scottish?) I want to give you a gigantic Bear hug from Southern California! XOXOXOXO Not a clue what Barry is chuck! But if it's nice, I'll take it 😘 |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2016 10:54:51 GMT -5
eternaloptimism You are a wonderful person! Your humour is magic(spelled like that just for you)! Everyone loves you! You are pure barry! (is that English or Scottish?) I want to give you a gigantic Bear hug from Southern California! XOXOXOXO Not a clue what Barry is chuck! But if it's nice, I'll take it 😘 I don't know what or how it originated, but in Scotland if you said "that's barry" you meant "that's fantastic"! |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 3, 2016 10:57:05 GMT -5
Not a clue what Barry is chuck! But if it's nice, I'll take it 😘 I don't know what or how it originated, but in Scotland if you said "that's barry" you meant "that's fantastic"! I needed that bear hug btw. Xx |
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Post by ggold on Sept 3, 2016 11:29:51 GMT -5
I did have the little one with me. But he was busy in another room. She did say to come and talk to her again when he's not with me but fuck. I just dry up when I have to ask for something. I just can't speak up for myself. I think about just running away a lot. Leaving the kids even. People will probably judge me harshly for that. But I do think about it. But I know I could never do that. That would be the kids lives fucked forever. I just feel like I'm living someone else's life. It's certainly not the one I want. Hugs!!!! I had a talk with my mom a few months ago. She knows my situation and lived in a miserable marriage herself with my dad. Her advice to me was to stay and sacrifice my happiness as she did. She feels that my kids need the "stability" of the home life with both parents. She told me she wants me to be happy BUT feels my kids will suffer greatly if we split up. Needless to say, I cannot speak to her about this anymore. I CANNOT sacrifice my happiness as she did. You know where it got her?  Well, she has chronic illness (pain, heart attack, anxiety), she is miserable from the pain, she is angry and bitter. (She'll never admit that any of this has to do with they way she lived her life. She'll never admit she had a part in my father's decision to find AP's.) I don't want to slam my mom. She is a beautiful woman and has an amazing, giving spirit. She lived a horrible life as a child with alcoholic parents. She did the best she could with us kids and thought that she was doing the right things at the time. That I understand and I love her for it. I just wish she would have learned from this and want better for me. Not to have me repeat her cycle. I Do NOT want to end up chronically ill, bitter, angry, etc. because I didn't have the courage to move forward...the courage to say fuck this and do what I know inside of my heart is the best for my kids and me. I am not there yet...but I am moving in the right direction and have goals set. All of this is hard sweetie!! Try and go back to your mom and talk to her. I like the idea of writing it to her. I've written many notes/letters to my husband about my feelings. If you feel in your heart this is the opportunity for you, then do all you can to move in that direction. We are here for you my dear!! Thinking of you and sending you positive vibes!!! xoxoxoxo G |
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Well, she has chronic illness (pain, heart attack, anxiety), she is miserable from the pain, she is angry and bitter. (She'll never admit that any of this has to do with they way she lived her life. She'll never admit she had a part in my father's decision to find AP's.) I don't want to slam my mom. She is a beautiful woman and has an amazing, giving spirit. She lived a horrible life as a child with alcoholic parents. She did the best she could with us kids and thought that she was doing the right things at the time. That I understand and I love her for it. I just wish she would have learned from this and want better for me. Not to have me repeat her cycle. I Do NOT want to end up chronically ill, bitter, angry, etc. because I didn't have the courage to move forward...the courage to say fuck this and do what I know inside of my heart is the best for my kids and me. I am not there yet...but I am moving in the right direction and have goals set. 