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Post by wewbwb on Apr 8, 2016 9:52:51 GMT -5
When people call me "hot" I feel like crying. I am ugly. I was once very good looking, but age and prolonged stress have not been kind to me. This is painful enough to accept, especially after recent divorce and losing so much, but I've also had to face losing my dream of being loved in a loving relationship. No platitudes please. I'm a realist. I can't stand anyone looking at me. I just want to hide, and I stay home a lot so no one can see me. I can't take anymore negative judgements, so I stay away from society and far away from men. A man invited me to have coffee with him, but I won't go. I know he'll be judging my appearance. After 25-years of rejection, I can't do it. I don't want to put myself in a situation where someone rejects me again. I reject myself from society. Maybe in time, I can find a cause to dedicate the remaining life I have left, at least to have some use to someone or some thing. So when I say it's over for me in sex and romance I mean it. I've made myself non sexual. It's a damn lonely life. Well carissimi, I respectfully disagree. However, we may not be talking about the same things. For me at least "hot" actually has very little to do with the physical and FAR more to do with the personality and attitude. Trust me I'm no "Brad Pitt" - and there are very few "Charlize Theron" out there. "Hot" means a woman who is smart, funny and see's the world through experienced yet not jaded eyes. I woman who can see a man for the person he is. Good and bad. A woman who can say "I failed at that but learned a lot, so I won't be making THAT mistake again." A woman who can be open and care about others EVEN though she's been hurt, more beautiful still - BECAUSE she's been hurt. So please don't confuse "hot" with stress lines. HOT is an attitude. - And that is simply a frame of mind. All that being said - I will NOT tell someone how they SHOULD feel. That's not my place. " |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 9:55:15 GMT -5
I'm not going to offer any platitudes, but I am going to ask you if you think you might be clinically depressed. I truly believe you are not looking at yourself or your life realistically - if a man invited you to have coffee with him, then there is something there that attracted him, whether it is physical or something about your personality - something made him ask you.
I'm not saying that you are or are not attractive, but physically unattractive people find love every day. My own step father is a perfect example. He looks like a Neanderthal - a lot of people will actually avoid him in a dark parking lot - and yet he is a gentle, loving soul. It took him about three years of grieving my mother's death, but he is now happily in love again with an amazing woman.
25 years of rejection is enough to send anyone into a depression. Have you tried some counseling? I am only asking out of concern - no one should feel so negative about themselves and so hopeless. You deserve to be happy, but you might need some help getting your brain to cooperate. I've been through this myself and it was only the insistence and persistence of a good friend that pushed me to get help. Please think about it anyway and know that there are people out here hoping things get better for you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 10:09:27 GMT -5
By the way, I'm glad you came back. I was sad to see that you had deleted your account. You have a huge amount of courage - I admire that you share your true feelings here without sugar coating them. It's hard to be that brutally honest and open.
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Post by JMX on Apr 8, 2016 10:35:42 GMT -5
You are not simply rejecting yourself from society, you are only rejecting yourself. I know you hate going over the past in therapy - I get it - but please! You have been damaged by your long term SM and nothing more. Talking that through would be helpful for you!
The man asked you out for coffee. It was an acceptance that he likes you. Please go! If nothing else, you gain a new friend who may also have friends.
I don't believe you are a hideous beast as you describe yourself and what age has done to you - we have gone rounds and rounds about this so I won't bother, but you are more than your looks. Not giving others credit for maybe not being superficial is not a good look either. Not everyone is the same!
Love you and hope you say yes to the coffee date. Hugs!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 8, 2016 11:09:47 GMT -5
It does sound like you are depressed.
Sometimes in life we just have to take risks
to gain something. I get the whole rejection
thing and how debilitating it is. I have experienced
it first hand again since I put myself out there
to date. However I think what does not kill us
makes us stronger and the shitty 23 years of
rejection if nothing else gave me thick skin.
So my first date when I got the message with
him saying he doesn't think he's right for me
which is no different than I'm not right for him, I saw
as a blessing of honesty for not wasting anyone's
time. Rejection - I can handle it! I think we have
to put ourselves out there if we want to find our happiness.
It will not knock on our door. Fortune favors the bold.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 13:07:14 GMT -5
I wish people would believe my reality. To negate what I say, negates me as a person and my intelligence.
This is why I don't fit in here. No one will accept me as I am. Whatever I say about myself is always negated rather than accepted.
It makes me feel even more alone not to be understood. My words are said with the utmost integrity and intelligence.
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Post by JMX on Apr 8, 2016 13:28:12 GMT -5
Carissimi - people said the same things on EP. You are understood. No one negates your intelligence or integrity.
What response - if any - would you prefer? We can neither agree or disagree with you as we do not know what you look like - many of the responses here are trying to get you to see past that.
On your bad days, you just feel miserable. I understand. Me too.
(Shrug)
I don't know what else to say and maybe none of it is necessary.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 8, 2016 13:30:35 GMT -5
I wish people would believe my reality. To negate what I say, negates me as a person and my intelligence. This is why I don't fit in here. No one will accept me as I am. Whatever I say about myself is always negated rather than accepted. It makes me feel even more alone not to be understood. My words are said with the utmost integrity and intelligence. My sincere apologies to you. I never intended to negate you in any way. Never my intent, I only wanted to be supportive.... I am truly sorry and my best wishes to you always. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 13:53:27 GMT -5
I wish people would believe my reality. To negate what I say, negates me as a person and my intelligence. This is why I don't fit in here. No one will accept me as I am. Whatever I say about myself is always negated rather than accepted. It makes me feel even more alone not to be understood. My words are said with the utmost integrity and intelligence. My sincere apologies to you. I never intended to negate you in any way. Never my intent, I only wanted to be supportive.... I am truly sorry and my best wishes to you always. Thank you. You can not imagine the relief I feel to be accepted at my word. I know people mean well, but it's always couched in having me change in some way as though what I've said is not accepted, and I should do something about it. |
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 8, 2016 13:54:42 GMT -5
Carissimi, this may be platitude but here it goes anyway.
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Henry Ford quote modified for you. Here are four versions:
Whether you think you are ugly or think you aren't, you’re right.
Whether you believe you are ugly or not, you are right.
If you think you are ugly or think you aren't, either way you are right.
If you think you are ugly or think you aren't, you’re probably right.
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I don't disagree with you. I believe your reality. In fact, I know ugly for a long time. No girl in the USA wanted to date me. I married the one girl who liked me. Now it doesn't matter if I am ugly or not. What matters is my son stays healthy or my daughter learns to be respectful and responsible, or how to make wife become nympho,...Probably best if you focus on something else, like how coffee with someone can be fun.
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Post by sand5280 on Apr 8, 2016 15:24:37 GMT -5
To negate what I say, negates me as a person and my intelligence. This is why I don't fit in here. No one will accept me as I am. A man invited me to have coffee with him, but I won't go. I know he'll be judging my appearance. After 25-years of rejection, I can't do it. Well guess what now it's my turn. My intention is not to negate you, nor contradict anything you think or say. You will think or say what you wish regardless of my thoughts or comments. I have no choice but to accept you for who you are, because this is who you are. What I see right away, is that in 5 hours you have captivated the attention of some of your friends here. And more are on their way for sure. I am also pleased to see your return. So now it's relate don't compare time. I do not in any way accept compliments easily. Last week I sent a photo to a friend I made online some time ago, we have helped each other through some things. I was told I am handsome. My immediate thought was where is her seeing eye dog? But then I let it settle and rest in my mind like it was supposed to, as she wanted, rather than attempt to toss out the comment. To tell her she was all wrong, I now see that as a negation to her entitled opinions and intelligence. I hope I phrased that so it's understood in a kind way as intended. Meeting for coffee invitation and not going? Not meant as a platitude, but if seen that way too bad, here it is: Wayne Gretzky – “You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.” |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 16:29:57 GMT -5
Cari, first of all, I'm glad you came back.
I know you are in a lot of pain. I won't try to tell you what to think or how to feel. You certainly have the right to have your feelings accepted, without an attempt to talk you into feeling some other way.
What I wish for you, is healing and relief from the pain. That is all.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 16:40:14 GMT -5
When people call me "hot" I feel like crying. I am ugly. I was once very good looking, but age and prolonged stress have not been kind to me. This is painful enough to accept, especially after recent divorce and losing so much, but I've also had to face losing my dream of being loved in a loving relationship. No platitudes please. I'm a realist. I can't stand anyone looking at me. I just want to hide, and I stay home a lot so no one can see me. I can't take anymore negative judgements, so I stay away from society and far away from men. A man invited me to have coffee with him, but I won't go. I know he'll be judging my appearance. After 25-years of rejection, I can't do it. I don't want to put myself in a situation where someone rejects me again. I reject myself from society. Maybe in time, I can find a cause to dedicate the remaining life I have left, at least to have some use to someone or some thing. So when I say it's over for me in sex and romance I mean it. I've made myself non sexual. It's a damn lonely life. I can understand being reluctant to go out for a coffee date. I know for me, right now, not going out for coffee would be the right decision. I know that when I am emotionally stronger I could handle being rejected or ghosted or whatever and chalk it up to one guy's opinion, but right now it would make things nearly unbearable emotionally. Taking the chance of having someone push me further under when I am already drowning is not something I want to do. You know what is right for you right now. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 17:59:43 GMT -5
Cari, first of all, I'm glad you came back. I know you are in a lot of pain. I won't try to tell you what to think or how to feel. You certainly have the right to have your feelings accepted, without an attempt to talk you into feeling some other way. What I wish for you, is healing and relief from the pain. That is all. Thank you, Kat. This is acceptance and soothes me. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 18:06:56 GMT -5
When people call me "hot" I feel like crying. I am ugly. I was once very good looking, but age and prolonged stress have not been kind to me. This is painful enough to accept, especially after recent divorce and losing so much, but I've also had to face losing my dream of being loved in a loving relationship. No platitudes please. I'm a realist. I can't stand anyone looking at me. I just want to hide, and I stay home a lot so no one can see me. I can't take anymore negative judgements, so I stay away from society and far away from men. A man invited me to have coffee with him, but I won't go. I know he'll be judging my appearance. After 25-years of rejection, I can't do it. I don't want to put myself in a situation where someone rejects me again. I reject myself from society. Maybe in time, I can find a cause to dedicate the remaining life I have left, at least to have some use to someone or some thing. So when I say it's over for me in sex and romance I mean it. I've made myself non sexual. It's a damn lonely life. I can understand being reluctant to go out for a coffee date. I know for me, right now, not going out for coffee would be the right decision. I know that when I am emotionally stronger I could handle being rejected or ghosted or whatever and chalk it up to one guy's opinion, but right now it would make things nearly unbearable emotionally. Taking the chance of having someone push me further under when I am already drowning is not something I want to do. You know what is right for you right now. You are absolutely right, Helen. I can't deal with it. I may never be able to deal with it, and that's okay too. Thanks for understanding. |
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