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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 8, 2016 20:06:09 GMT -5
Cari, you are the only one who knows how you feel, how you are reacting to the damage done to you and what you see when you look in the mirror. Here you are among people who have suffered many of the same things as you and most would rather die than inflict pain on someone already hurting even when it is meant as a kindness. I would like you to stay here and find a way to love yourself again. There are folks here that value what you have to say. Please step outside of yourself and look at what others here value in you. Think of it as a starting place. In any case, I do hope you find peace and healing.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 20:14:44 GMT -5
Cari, you are the only one who knows how you feel, how you are reacting to the damage done to you and what you see when you look in the mirror. Here you are among people who have suffered many of the same things as you and most would rather die than inflict pain on someone already hurting even when it is meant as a kindness. I would like you to stay here and find a way to love yourself again. There are folks here that value what you have to say. Please step outside of yourself and look at what others here value in you. Think of it as a starting place. In any case, I do hope you find peace and healing. Thank you. I actually do value myself as a person, just not a sexually attractive person. Thank you for your good wishes. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 21:30:34 GMT -5
To be asked out by someone, to have someone actually knowledge you as a person, that's amazing. I envy you.
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Post by sand5280 on Apr 9, 2016 1:51:53 GMT -5
Whatever I say about myself is always negated rather than accepted. It makes me feel even more alone not to be understood. My words are said with the utmost integrity and intelligence. I realized last night my post may have sounded like a terrible lecture, so I wish to offer an apology. This has been bothering me all night into this morning. It is clear to me now, what you needed at the time was not a pep talk, but consolation. Unfortunately for this instance, my inclination is always to snap someone out of it. My intentions were to be helpful, and to be on your side, and I sadly believe it backfired. |
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mathdoll
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The light is getting brighter........
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 9, 2016 5:41:43 GMT -5
I grew up with parents who denied my feelings and refuted memories that I had of events. They still do. Some of these denials are trivial, some are serious, but all are terribly damaging. It took me a long time and 7 years in psychotherapy to recover a sense of integrity and validity.
If you feel ugly and non sexual then that it is true. That is how you feel and it is important to respect this. Perhaps what some mean when they contradict you is that your feelings can change rather than implying that what you say is not true.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 7:50:16 GMT -5
To be asked out by someone, to have someone actually knowledge you as a person, that's amazing. I envy you. It wasn't a date. It's a long story. He just gave me his number, and I was to call him when I could meet for coffee to finish our conversation we'd started on a chance meeting. He never asked me on a date. There was nothing romantic or flirtatious about it. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 7:58:37 GMT -5
Whatever I say about myself is always negated rather than accepted. It makes me feel even more alone not to be understood. My words are said with the utmost integrity and intelligence. I realized last night my post may have sounded like a terrible lecture, so I wish to offer an apology. This has been bothering me all night into this morning. It is clear to me now, what you needed at the time was not a pep talk, but consolation. Unfortunately for this instance, my inclination is always to snap someone out of it. My intentions were to be helpful, and to be on your side, and I sadly believe it backfired. I know your intentions were to be helpful, as were those of others who responded. Yes, I needed understanding and consoling. I'm sorry you lost sleep over it...I would not want that...but your contemplation and coming to a different conclusion about my needs, when I wrote that, shows insight and depth. Thank you. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 8:07:04 GMT -5
I grew up with parents who denied my feelings and refuted memories that I had of events. They still do. Some of these denials are trivial, some are serious, but all are terribly damaging. It took me a long time and 7 years in psychotherapy to recover a sense of integrity and validity. If you feel ugly and non sexual then that it is true. That is how you feel and it is important to respect this. Perhaps what some mean when they contradict you is that your feelings can change rather than implying that what you say is not true. I'm sorry you had this type of childhood too. It does terrible damage. Add beatings and mental cruelty (I suffered both as a child), then experience it again (without the beatings, and in a passive aggressive form) in your adult life ... well who could walk into old age without being scathed and feeling unloved and unwanted. Apart from all the baggage I'm lugging around, I'm pretty strong...and so far resilient, but it has killed off some brain cells with the prolonged stress. I hope you have found some peace. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 9:24:15 GMT -5
I feel the same way as Sand. I thought offering a different way of looking at things would be helpful - I never realized it could feel like I was negating your feelings. I am so sorry I did that! Thank you for staying here and explaining how this all feels to you. It helps me realize that what makes me feel better doesn't work for everyone. I really am sorry that I was insensitive to you - the last thing I want to do to anyone, especially anyone here, is to make them feel unheard or that their feelings aren't valid.
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mathdoll
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The light is getting brighter........
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 9, 2016 11:48:53 GMT -5
I grew up with parents who denied my feelings and refuted memories that I had of events. They still do. Some of these denials are trivial, some are serious, but all are terribly damaging. It took me a long time and 7 years in psychotherapy to recover a sense of integrity and validity. If you feel ugly and non sexual then that it is true. That is how you feel and it is important to respect this. Perhaps what some mean when they contradict you is that your feelings can change rather than implying that what you say is not true. I'm sorry you had this type of childhood too. It does terrible damage. Add beatings and mental cruelty (I suffered both as a child), then experience it again (without the beatings, and in a passive aggressive form) in your adult life ... well who could walk into old age without being scathed and feeling unloved and unwanted. Apart from all the baggage I'm lugging around, I'm pretty strong...and so far resilient, but it has killed off some brain cells with the prolonged stress. I hope you have found some peace. Yes, I was physically abused as a child until the age of 18. I then married a physically and emotionally abusive man, got divorced and married my second husband who was controlling and a sexual refuser. The outcome for me has been different although I know that my intellect isn't what it was. I'm sorry that you went through it too. |
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Post by Dan on Apr 9, 2016 12:32:30 GMT -5
I've made myself non sexual. It's a damn lonely life. Why do you equate "non-sexual" with "lonely"? Can't an asexual person be comfortable with themselves? Even have lots of friends? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 14:14:18 GMT -5
I've made myself non sexual. It's a damn lonely life. Why do you equate "non-sexual" with "lonely"? Can't an asexual person be comfortable with themselves? Even have lots of friends? I'm not asexual, Dan. I'm a sexual being who has repressed her sexual side to become non sexual. It's a coping mechanism. I didn't equate anything with anything. All I know is that *I'm* lonely. Seems to be pretty common in the ILIASM group. I'm not sure what point you are making. |
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Post by Dan on Apr 9, 2016 18:03:24 GMT -5
I'm not asexual, Dan. I'm a sexual being who has repressed her sexual side to become non sexual. It's a coping mechanism. This I get -- I'm kind of going through a phase of the same thing. (At least, I hope I'm "passing through" this stage.) I driven myself to this point because a) I'm tired of the sexual rejection in my marriage, b) I'm tired of the effort it takes to find and maintain a side-relationship, c) if/when I do spring myself from my marriage, I don't want to start looking for a new life-companion feeling like I was the kind of guy who has just come off a long stint "cheating". (I want to be the kind of guy that the kind of woman I'd like to meet would like; "honest" being one of the features I'd want her to look for. And despite my occasional "outsourcing" in the past 15 years, I still feel like a very honest person.) I didn't equate anything with anything. When you said: I've made myself non sexual. It's a damn lonely life. It sounded to me like you were saying "being non-sexual means one will be lonely". I don't think that is true. If you agree with me, then I apologize for misreading you. |
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 10, 2016 17:26:33 GMT -5
No platitudes please. I'm a realist. I can't stand anyone looking at me. I just want to hide, and I stay home a lot so no one can see me. I can't take anymore negative judgements, so I stay away from society and far away from men. A man invited me to have coffee with him, but I won't go. I know he'll be judging my appearance. Saving the platitudes, but offering some practical thoughts... Nobody is a good judge of what others find attractive in them, even physically. We are our own worst critics, especially people who are more self-aware. I used to photograph sporting events as a hobby, and tried selling images on "spec". Repeatedly, people would buy a marginal photo when the one next to it was technically excellent - their image fell "below the line"; I wouldn't have put it in the gallery, given enough editing time. This frustrated me greatly, but I came to accept that they valued qualities that I could never know - a micro-expression, a glint of personality, a pose, or a reflection from their own past. For argument's sake, let's say you're right about your physical appearance. It's true that many people judge superficially, and many opportunities may never be presented. But there are also men who consider many other qualities. And men you come to know first as a friend will have the greatest opportunity of seeing the whole person. On the flip side, I often wonder if very attractive people can ever trust that their partner truly values their inner qualities. Likewise for someone who's wealthy. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2016 10:40:38 GMT -5
No platitudes please. I'm a realist. I can't stand anyone looking at me. I just want to hide, and I stay home a lot so no one can see me. I can't take anymore negative judgements, so I stay away from society and far away from men. A man invited me to have coffee with him, but I won't go. I know he'll be judging my appearance. Saving the platitudes, but offering some practical thoughts... Nobody is a good judge of what others find attractive in them, even physically. We are our own worst critics, especially people who are more self-aware. I used to photograph sporting events as a hobby, and tried selling images on "spec". Repeatedly, people would buy a marginal photo when the one next to it was technically excellent - their image fell "below the line"; I wouldn't have put it in the gallery, given enough editing time. This frustrated me greatly, but I came to accept that they valued qualities that I could never know - a micro-expression, a glint of personality, a pose, or a reflection from their own past. For argument's sake, let's say you're right about your physical appearance. It's true that many people judge superficially, and many opportunities may never be presented. But there are also men who consider many other qualities. And men you come to know first as a friend will have the greatest opportunity of seeing the whole person. On the flip side, I often wonder if very attractive people can ever trust that their partner truly values their inner qualities. Likewise for someone who's wealthy. Whenever do we have the opportunity for someone to know our inner qualities? It takes getting to know someone over time. I don't know how that happens in this drive by fast everything kind of world we live in. In truth, I can't think of one man that ever wanted to be with me because of my inner qualities. The majority who pursued me didn't even care about this, it was all to do with my looks...I was good looking when I was younger. My soul mate pursued me based on my appearance. It was only as time passed when we were in a relationship that he started to notice and mention my inner qualities. I think this made him love me even more, but he was an exception not the rule. Even my ex can't see the good in me. Some people will never see the good in others. I call them the cold hearts because people in touch with their own humanity, and who have empathy and kindness, are the ones who recognize the good or beauty in another soul. I've known too many cold hearts, unfortunately. |
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