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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 19, 2018 20:39:25 GMT -5
Greatcoastal, your wife is a supreme PITA. What about her enticed you to marry her? Did you overlook red flags or did she radically change? That's always a good question. Also a complicated one to nail down and know if I am answering it correctly. It requires time. Here's a knee jerk response (hope you don't mind). I was easily manipulated after being raised by a bipolar mother and my father did the best he could by being very passive. For now half of me thinks I was blind and ignorant to red flags. The other half thinks she was a manipulative controller back then, and I was lied too, taken advantage of, and emotionally abused, ever so slowly. Like a slow constant dripping forming a Grand Canyon. What enticed me? well.... I had just experienced 3 lonely years on the road, and another fiancee who cheated and lied to me out of the blue. This woman was stable with morals and Godly principles. She also was willing to have a relationship with me , while I was on the road 6 days a week, (I didn't expect that from any woman really) Then their was the "I can help her, very few people see in her what I see". You know, change her, knight on a white horse approach etc... I also felt like I actually could be open and honest with her. That takes work! It became easier to cave and live a happy wife- happy life syndrome. I think she expected me to be more demanding and a decision maker. She may still want and need that, but I was not that person for her. I have also read that a narcissist does not get better over time, instead they get even more manipulative and controlling as they age. Their way is so ingrained into their logic it comes out stronger and more blatant in their actions and words. Part of her radical change was a good 5 yrs ago(or more) when she decided "I am detaching myself from you, but here I am stuck with you because we are married". |
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Post by saarinista on Apr 19, 2018 22:51:49 GMT -5
Greatcoastal, your wife is a supreme PITA. What about her enticed you to marry her? Did you overlook red flags or did she radically change? That's always a good question. Also a complicated one to nail down and know if I am answering it correctly. It requires time. Here's a knee jerk response (hope you don't mind). I was easily manipulated after being raised by a bipolar mother and my father did the best he could by being very passive. For now half of me thinks I was blind and ignorant to red flags. The other half thinks she was a manipulative controller then and I was lied to, taken advantage of, and emotionally abused, ever so slowly. Like a slow constant dripping. What enticed me? well.... I had just experienced 3 lonely years on the road, and another fiancee who cheated and lied to me out of the blue. This woman was stable with morals and Godly principles. She also was willing to have a relationship with me , while I was on the road 6 days a week, (I didn't expect that from any woman really) Then their was the "I can help her, very few people see in her what I see". You know, change her, night on a white horse approach etc... I also felt like I actually could be open and honest with her. That takes work! It became easier to cave and live a happy wife happy life syndrome. I think she expected me to be more demanding and a decision maker. She may still want and need that, but I was not that person for her. I have also read that a narcissist does not get better over time, instead they get even more manipulative and controlling as they age. Their way is so ingrained into their logic it comes out stronger and more blatant in their actions and words. Part of her redical change was a good 5 yrs ago(or more) when she decided "I am detaching myself from you, but here I am stuck with you". Sounds perfectly reasonable to me great Coastal. Plenty of us of married people for less reasonable reasons than you've stated. It's amazing how much more clearly you see the negative qualities in people after having numerous children and being married to them for numerous years, unfortunately. I wish you all the best moving forward. She sounds like a disturbed woman. |
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Post by baza on Apr 19, 2018 23:02:15 GMT -5
I'll confine myself to this bit relevant to your ex missus and the kids - "however my older boys seem to buy it hook ,line, and sinker" Here, further valuable lessons are being learned - ever so slowly - by the older boys. They are learning - ever so slowly - that even people real close to you can behave like arseholes. They're not learning it "this instant" but they are learning this exceedingly important lesson about human nature incrementally. Not a fun lesson. But very valuable. One day Brother greatcoastal , you are going to look back on this time, and piss yourself laughing at the sheer absurdity of what is going on at this moment. |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2018 23:03:12 GMT -5
“This woman was stable with morals and Godly principles. She also was willing to have a relationship with me , while I was on the road 6 days a week, (I didn't expect that from any woman really) “
Now do you wonder whether her lack of interest in sex with you was why she was willing to marry a man who was hone 6 days a week?
Along those lines a friend told me that when he was a teen and asked his mom why when he was little she had divorced his dad, his mom with great embarrassment said his dad was a traveling salesman who after being gone most of the week went straight to his mom’s house instead of to his beauty queen wife who - ahem - wanted to have more children....
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 19, 2018 23:29:24 GMT -5
I'll confine myself to this bit relevant to your ex missus and the kids - "however my older boys seem to buy it hook ,line, and sinker" Here, further valuable lessons are being learned - ever so slowly - by the older boys. They are learning - ever so slowly - that even people real close to you can behave like arseholes. They're not learning it "this instant" but they are learning this exceedingly important lesson about human nature incrementally. Not a fun lesson. But very valuable. One day Brother greatcoastal , you are going to look back on this time, and piss yourself laughing at the sheer absurdity of what is going on at this moment. Thanks again for all your wonderful insight, so well stated as always! It's been a trip, of a day as we email back and forth over who is getting what. I was so distraught I had to run it all by a friend . He helped straighten me out. (he said, just give her the painting and keep the other 119) One of my hobbies is/was paintings I've won many prizes and awards in state and county competitions. I probably have over 120 paintings. Most of them are stored in a closet. Well out of no where my ex wants my best paintings? Of course this is what comes to my mind----$$$$$ they have value! (selling them is a whole different story) We finally got it down to her only wanting one specific painting. Okay,...one of my paintings that has hung in our music room for years is of our first home. Now get this,, We live in the tropics, the painting is of an old white farm house (with a red roof) covered in snow framed by the branches of the surrounding Pecan trees. It's the only painting where I only used 4 colors and had it come out so good. To me it says peace and serenity. My mind is full of why questions!! Why would someone who is so detached from me want a painting with my name on it? Why would someone who barely communicates with me want any reminders of me, or our first home where we procreated our kids? Is it even possible that she likes my painting? Or is it just more evil manipulation? I worry too much!!! |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2018 23:34:46 GMT -5
She may want the painting as a bargaining chip. Since you painted them seems all should be yours....
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Post by baza on Apr 19, 2018 23:46:36 GMT -5
Lots of stuff gets lost when one is moving. It is a difficult logistical task and rarely goes perfectly. After the movers (and your mates) have completed the shifting, I would just about bet that there will be quite a few items that appear to have just vanished, and you of course Brother greatcoastal , will be as surprised as anyone else about the matter. What a pleasant surprise it will be all around when the missing items reappear at a later date after she has paid you out. How the hell the paintings ever found their way into your friend Geoff's garage is anybodys guess. Weird shit happens sometimes. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 20, 2018 0:25:07 GMT -5
I'll confine myself to this bit relevant to your ex missus and the kids - "however my older boys seem to buy it hook ,line, and sinker" Here, further valuable lessons are being learned - ever so slowly - by the older boys. They are learning - ever so slowly - that even people real close to you can behave like arseholes. They're not learning it "this instant" but they are learning this exceedingly important lesson about human nature incrementally. Not a fun lesson. But very valuable. One day Brother greatcoastal , you are going to look back on this time, and piss yourself laughing at the sheer absurdity of what is going on at this moment. You know there is a lot more to say about my boys (now men ages 18 and 19) accepting all this. Acting like they have this reverence, duty, almost worship, to have to "listen to mom". And lets not forget $$$! She's got it and they need it right now. Talk about buying love! I just pray that it's not to late to show them they can stand up for themselves and avoid someone like her. Perhaps the best thing I can do is forge ahead, live a more joyful fulfilling life, one with more risks and a more "don't get so caught up in the worlds problems embrace the good around you, reach out and take it!!" For example, my sons both have surfboards. Given to them as gifts years ago .They have not gone surfing once in the past 6 to 10 yrs. So it's moving day. Our shed is full of surfboards with dust shoved in the corner. I want to sell them, get rid of them. Now why would my sons mind? They don't even know that we still own them. Personally I would be thrilled to see them use their boards again. I am more than ready to say" that's fine you can keep them, you can keep them where they are, I'm sorry to even mention it. I had no idea you even wanted them. And then just drop the whole thing. Imagine going surfing with dad again? Perish the thought! and leave their computer at home?? Gasp!! Instead my ex used it as a hate weapon against me, to score points with our sons. She emails me, "the boys have confided in me that they want to keep the surfboards". Okay, that's fine. HOWEVER.....They are adults. They are men now. They can speak to me anytime they want about such things and we can work it out. I have an immaculate track record of saying yes to whatever they want or need. OOHH.. she doesn't like that! She continues with her DARVO and keeps on with "the boys will keep their surfboards". Totally ignoring any communication between me and my sons. Time, it's going to take time. Hopefully before I die. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 21, 2018 5:59:30 GMT -5
Moving day was/is a traumatic experience. I feel very emotional this morning. It's too difficult to go into it all ,right now. The truck is coming in another hour. Hopefully a few of my friends will be here later.
It feels like going through a funeral. Happy times, with feelings of relief and hope. Encountered with grief, anger and a lot of fear and doubt.
Top that off with no assistance from my family, and blatantly watching my sons side with their mother. She bought their love. Their is no telling the hate they have for me. Why? I wish I knew. Who knows what she instills in them.
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Post by ted on Apr 21, 2018 15:47:37 GMT -5
Hang in there, greatcoastal. You're almost there. Wish I lived close enough to help you today. |
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Post by saarinista on Apr 21, 2018 23:39:25 GMT -5
Moving day was/is a traumatic experience. I feel very emotional this morning. It's too difficult to go into it all ,right now. The truck is coming in another hour. Hopefully a few of my friends will be here later. It feels like going through a funeral. Happy times, with feelings of relief and hope. Encountered with grief, anger and a lot of fear and doubt. Top that off with no assistance from my family, and blatantly watching my sons side with their mother. She bought their love. Their is no telling the hate they have for me. Why? I wish I knew. Who knows what she instills in them. great coastal, you are in a tough situation. hang on your money and your hard earned self-respect. Keep up with your old friends, make new ones-and pray, meditate, commune with nature....... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 22, 2018 9:51:45 GMT -5
Here's some good bad and ugly from my move.
Good. The moving men where on time. Having 4 men taking and moving so many things at once was a terrific plan. The entire move only took them 3 1/2 hrs. My price was less than half of my original quote.
My new house has 95% less clutter than the old home. My daughters wanted to stay on the first night! I told my daughter " I don't have a mattress for you yet?" She said, "that's okay I can sleep on the pull out couch. I want to get a feel for the new house."
A friend commented, "they probably like the new feel to it all. You have given them separate rooms, and their probably not too anxious to go back to mom and all her clutter and problems. You think your ex is going to be doing all that cleaning and buying? She's going to make them do it all. They don't have to do any of that for you".
I had 4 of my male friends come over to the house. They all brought their trucks. I still had over 120 of my paintings and prints to move. (they stored nicely in bins in the big closet under the full staircase. No such storage at the new house. They are going to be divided between all the closets) We got it done in one trip. It took less than an hour!
I had emailed my ex. "several of the men from my church will be here to help me move. You may be anxious to meet them at the door, however they are not anxious to meet you. Please don't interfere. (that made a big difference)
I see these men twice a week. They got a look at the inside of our home. There is a lot that an outsider would notice that those of us who have been living in it for years can't see.
Others would call me to help with the move. It was such a free feeling to say, " come on over to the new house, visit me, I'll show you the place." they did. We talked about happier times to come and it felt wonderful to not have anyone else hovering over me.
The bad.
My ex spoke very little to me. My mind was in a thousand places. So instead of letting me be, and giving me my space, what happens? My ex says to me" your using that storage container? We are supposed to be dividing those."
I politely explained to her, "yes I am. I need to empty all the clothes out of T's dresser so the men can take it. I'll carry it over to the house and then I can return it." (which I had already done several times the day before]
The few storage containers we have only exist because I have been pulling them out of peoples trash over the past few years, getting ready for this day! She's to much of a money hoarder to ever buy any!
So petty and foolish. Especially with her 100's of thousands stashed away. It really amplifies her need for control.
Another example was "her bicycle". Now granted, it was purchased 20 yrs ago for her. It sat in the back of the garage and shed for 15 yrs. My daughters are big enough to ride it. My ex is too tight with "our" money to buy bikes for our daughters. The older boys received hand me downs from neighbors and yard sales.
During our back and forth emails she stated she was keeping it. I responded, " you have ridden the bicycle once in the past ten years. Our daughter will be using daily to ride to school and back. If you want to purchase a new bicycle for her to use that will be acceptable. I take the blue one and the red one and you keep the other two."
In her next email response she agreed to me having her old bicycle.
It's just so damn tiring to have to go through such manipulative mind control B.S.!
There are other stories. The good part is... It's history! Time to press forward.
My younger daughter expressed concerns about knowing the pathway to ride to school..My older daughter stepped up to the plate and came through for the family. She said, "show me where the path starts in the neighborhood, then I'll ride with her while you finish unpacking."
I'm so glad she is not like her mother!
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 22, 2018 12:10:52 GMT -5
Congrats on doing a great job preparing for the move and the divorce.
Of course, there were bumps in the road, but you handled them well.
Well done!
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Post by baza on Apr 22, 2018 20:07:18 GMT -5
Ah respected Brother greatcoastal . I am immediately taken to a vision of the tide, having reached its'highwater mark, and you wondering if it was going to keep rising and do a tsunami number on you, has now turned. And slowly, it is starting to recede. Expanses of fresh sand being revealed as the waters ebb their way out. And you, making some brand new footprints on that brand new sand. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 24, 2018 9:31:28 GMT -5
I remember waiting for this day, wondering what it would be like? Reading posts on here of people who escaped, and wondering if my vision would come true?
So let me share with you some of the good and the bad.
The good:
I'm sleeping strait through the night, their is new sheets pillows, and bedspreads. It makes that very difficult area , a new start.
Their is no more scary sounds at 4:00am of my ex opening all those doors to come into the bedroom to use the toilet,also no more hacking coughing, sneezing, moaning, yawning of grandpa , one wall away.
Their will be no more noises of grandpa getting up at 6:30 am to make breakfast only for him and his daughter, banging pots and pans around, talking on his phone at 7:00 am.
Their is no more dust and smell of a house of 9 people who all think someone else should clean up after them.
Their is no more moving of three other cars just to leave everyday.
I have a much smaller stand up shower now. I like it. It doesn't feel as lonely as using the big one that could fit three people.
I walked around the entire house naked on my first few nights and morning. It's totally mine.
My pantry has the food that I want in it.
I listen to my kind of music, and can hear it through the house.
Friends come over and their is no concern about who is listening.
I just had a man come over to give me an estimate, I didn't have to say "let me check in with my time management, financial consultant".
I'm going to take my teens to the store and say,"pick out a new linen set for your bed, what else would you like for your bathroom", heck we will be picking out curtains together! LOL!
The bad:
Their is the increasing to do list (solvable problems).
My tight, tight budget for a season, until the alimony, child support,rent etc... starts coming in.( I will be doing school and continuing my job search, I plan on full time work. I look forward to no alimony and being independent.)
The emotional, physiological battles with my 2 older boys who where bought and manipulated to cave to their mom. The reality is I could not have had room for them. The only way I could have gotten a house big enough for everyone was to sell all my other properties. That got strung out until the last few days. That affects other families as well.
my sons are adults now, it's a life lesson, a very hard emotional one, sadly much of their choice along with all the manipulative control influence.
Their is no more ugly. For now it's all becoming past history.
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