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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 5, 2018 19:54:22 GMT -5
Congrats! It’s about time  Thank you!! What was crazy is that it took boundaries with adult consequences. (ie : loss of money and control -sadly I needed the law and a judge to do that) It's now been given back to me, and I am now responsible to no longer be so co-dependant and passive. I need to take more risks, not take rejection so personally, and begin to do things for myself! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 6, 2018 11:13:59 GMT -5
Congratulations! Time to focus on your new life and on freedom! Cheers to you! Thank you! I've already begun looking at houses, and will be signing papers in the days to come. It's an odd feeling that the entire family will still be living together for a while. yet knowing a big part of the "limbo" is gone is a relief! |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 6, 2018 21:21:20 GMT -5
Congratulations! Time to focus on your new life and on freedom! Cheers to you! Thank you! I've already begun looking at houses, and will be signing papers in the days to come. It's an odd feeling that the entire family will still be living together for a while. yet knowing a big part of the "limbo" is gone is a relief! Could be weirder. After the divorce we were all living together still... At my parents house. Just for a couple weeks. After I moved out the ex stayed there for a few more weeks. My parents really were an amazing help during the process. But don't worry. It will pass and having the limbo gone is huge isn't it? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 6, 2018 21:52:03 GMT -5
Thank you! I've already begun looking at houses, and will be signing papers in the days to come. It's an odd feeling that the entire family will still be living together for a while. yet knowing a big part of the "limbo" is gone is a relief! Could be weirder. After the divorce we were all living together still... At my parents house. Just for a couple weeks. After I moved out the ex stayed there for a few more weeks. My parents really were an amazing help during the process. But don't worry. It will pass and having the limbo gone is huge isn't it? It is huge! I am having flashbacks and regrets over how much my ex got away with financially, and will continue to! I know ,I will eventually let it go with time! So many decisions had to be made in a minute, and I had to just trust, and hope. Dealing with so much manipulation is never easy. The best part is that with time it will be less and less. |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 6, 2018 23:14:48 GMT -5
Could be weirder. After the divorce we were all living together still... At my parents house. Just for a couple weeks. After I moved out the ex stayed there for a few more weeks. My parents really were an amazing help during the process. But don't worry. It will pass and having the limbo gone is huge isn't it? It is huge! I am having flashbacks and regrets over how much my ex got away with financially, and will continue to! I know ,I will eventually let it go with time! So many decisions had to be made in a minute, and I had to just trust, and hope. Dealing with so much manipulation is never easy. The best part is that with time it will be less and less. It will lessen over time. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 7, 2018 9:12:33 GMT -5
Thank you! I've already begun looking at houses, and will be signing papers in the days to come. It's an odd feeling that the entire family will still be living together for a while. yet knowing a big part of the "limbo" is gone is a relief! Could be weirder. After the divorce we were all living together still... At my parents house. Just for a couple weeks. After I moved out the ex stayed there for a few more weeks. My parents really were an amazing help during the process. But don't worry. It will pass and having the limbo gone is huge isn't it? Oh it will get weirder and uglier. It's started already. Right back to money and control. Like cancelling my phone service and auto insurance before the ink has even been put on the divorce papers. My attorney is still having to call her attorney and try to straighten out her crooked manipulative control. If she so wants me out of the house, she is ending the whole process of me buying a house by cutting off my phone service before I have any finances. That's just the way a narc works and they can do no wrong. meanwhile it is going to happen. I am going to purchase a house in the next few days. I am going to have a working phone and I am going to be making offers on 2 houses today. I also hold back about telling my teens about all this crazy stuff. I am aiming for a future when we are together at my house and there will not be such problems. |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 7, 2018 9:23:08 GMT -5
Could be weirder. After the divorce we were all living together still... At my parents house. Just for a couple weeks. After I moved out the ex stayed there for a few more weeks. My parents really were an amazing help during the process. But don't worry. It will pass and having the limbo gone is huge isn't it? Oh it will get weirder and uglier. It's started already. Right back to money and control. Like cancelling my phone service and auto insurance before the ink has even been put on the divorce papers. My attorney is still having to call her attorney and try to straighten out her crooked manipulative control. If she so wants me out of the house, she is ending the whole process of me buying a house by cutting off my phone service before I have any finances. That's just the way a narc works and they can do no wrong. meanwhile it is going to happen. I am going to purchase a house in the next few days. I am going to have a working phone and I am going to be making offers on 2 houses today. I also hold back about telling my teens about all this crazy stuff. I am aiming for a future when we are together at my house and there will not be such problems. Yup. Mine removed me as a contact from the schools and it took me a while to figure out why I was missing everything. It will eventually settle. It will likely never disappear but will turn into "there she goes again" One word of advice? Ditch all the shrink for men stuff. You need to get yourself in a better place and the best way to do that is to look for the best in others. It does take time but you have to remember you're driving the bus now. Pick a smooth road. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 13, 2018 8:43:04 GMT -5
Happy Tuesday everyone!! I am in a better mood today and wanted to share it! it's certainly NOT because everything is going all roses, far from it! Like shamwow said,it keeps turning into " there she goes again". However what is needed is friends to straighten me out! I am going to have quite a list of "all is lost, I can't do this, this is so hard, not again, I give up"... then the next day I have others who tell me, " that's not a problem, you can do it this way, she can't legally do that, I'll go with you, we will get that changed, bring those papers, and your computer over to the house, call this person, mention my name, etc..." Then comes the "call me if you need me". I've started doing that, more and more. Now ...I HATE to call people and dump and vent. ( I so look forward to the day when I can call with happy news and be a happy person to be around again- my true self, not a fake mask- I know I am working on it!) yet I have my few people who are getting better at asking me, "are you with me, did you understand that? I would feel the same way, that's natural, you don't have to settle for that, do this instead, no ones going to like that, she's not going to get far at all like that, the kids are already asking to spend more time with you,...etc". here's one example. The short version. My ex threatened my 17 yr old to cancel his auto insurance. She wants his car, that he purchased, tittle transferred to her name. The divorce decree is legal and binding she can't do that. She also sends him text messages. all recorded. he's avoiding her as much as possible. The alternative? he can live with me full time. I get more child support, and she continues to pay his insurance. The more she tries to have full , complete manipulative control, the more the family turns away. ( those that can't have their love bought) In turn she will be a lonely person in her final years. |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 13, 2018 10:07:00 GMT -5
The decree is not your friend and it's not your enemy.
It is a set of rules you will BOTH need to live with. It is also subject to interpretation and negotiation within limits. It is designed to be flexible.
But it is also demarks some lines in the sand that fucking can't be crossed. I've been out about 8 months now. She still crosses them from time to time and I'm sure she sees me crossing them.
Trust me, it will get better in time as long as you're firm and there are consequences to her actions. The decree lays out the consequences.
Good luck to you brother. Navigating those first few months is tricky, but it does pass.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2018 5:43:10 GMT -5
I've been busy these past 2 weeks.
I was blessed with help and guidance from neighbors and friends.
My offer on a house was accepted. The contract was signed..The inspection is today. It's a 4 bd rm 21/2 bath. 2 miles away from the existing home. 3 blocks from the Ocean.
My youngest daughter will be riding her bike to school. Her older sister will ride the bus to H.S. her older brother will drive his car to college.
I wil have 3 of my teens living with me. We have a one week on, one week off schedule.
My two adult sons will remain with their mom. They are busy with work, school, and video games.( They avoid the family a lot!) My 6th oldest son moved out 3 weeks ago.
I am doing my best to lean forward and make the changes happen.
Financially I will be house wealthy. My home and rental homes will all be paid in full. My 401k and IRA keep me wealthy. Yet I will be living pay check to pay check poor for a while. I continue to lean forward.
My restoration is beginning!
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Post by WindSister on Mar 22, 2018 8:00:25 GMT -5
greatcoastal - this is a great update to hear. Moving out into your OWN home will make a HUGE, GIGANTIC difference for you. Wishing you the best!
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2018 8:09:19 GMT -5
I had two homes to choose from. They both fit my needs.
It was like comparing 🍎 to oranges.
I took my three teens with me to help me decide. I needed it. Even if I didn't I wanted them to have a voice in it.
This decision affects them greatly too!
They where champs in the whole thing! I marvel at their enthusiasm and how my oldest talks about which house is a better long term investment!
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2018 8:19:06 GMT -5
greatcoastal - this is a great update to hear. Moving out into your OWN home will make a HUGE, GIGANTIC difference for you. Wishing you the best! It's a big downsizing, and that's 👌. Less is more! My old self comes back, my mind and happiness goes crazy with thoughts of upgrades and renovations. As much as I try to stay away from materialism, I love architecture. I'm a white picket fence type of guy! |
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Post by saarinista on Mar 22, 2018 14:15:45 GMT -5
greatcoastal - this is a great update to hear. Moving out into your OWN home will make a HUGE, GIGANTIC difference for you. Wishing you the best! It's a big downsizing, and that's 👌. Less is more! My old self comes back, my mind and happiness goes crazy with thoughts of upgrades and renovations. As much as I try to stay away from materialism, I love architecture. I'm a white picket fence type of guy! Congrats on your new house and thank you for having a realistic attitude about how much house your average American needs or even your non average American. I deplore mcmansions and abhor tearing down lovely old houses to build them. Sounds like you have a sensible attitude about architecture and space needs. Oh and close to the ocean hey we'll all be right down for annual meet up right tee hee just kidding have fun getting settled |
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Post by baza on Mar 22, 2018 20:57:08 GMT -5
Brother greatcoastal . You have traded up big time here. You have gotten rid of a huge and insoluble problem (being in an ILIASM shithole) - And you have now got a whole new raft of problems. Thing is you have traded up from an insoluble problem to a series of solvable problems. Your life now, like all of us, is going to have problems that emerge, that's life. But now, you have "better" and more resolveable problems. That's the process in a nutshell....you keep making fully informed choices that are in your longer term best interests, and as a result, you get "better" and "better" problems to solve. You - me - anybody - having gotten out of our ILIASM shitholes do not get immunity from further problems in our lives. They just keep emerging. But the problems are "better". More manageable, more resolveable. More "normal". Huge journey you have been on up to this point - and more of it to come - and there's you, with all your accrued knowledge (courtesy of your ILIASM shithole experience) ready to take on life and all it involves. Exciting stuff mate. |
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