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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 5, 2018 8:52:06 GMT -5
I'm going to wire hundreds of thousands of dollars today to buy my new home. Yeaa!!
Meanwhile moving day is fast approaching. With it comes another very real, reocuring problem through this whole divorce.
Worry verses concern!
I'm very worried about taking my half of our things!
1) There are plenty of things that I don't want or need and will be happy to leave behind.
2) I'm downsizing from 4000 sq ft to 1400. I welcome the change. I wont have room for things. Less is more.
3)legal issues. My attorney says take whatever you want, take all of it!
4) The judge said" I'm sure you can amicably divide things. Even when I moved I ended up taking far more than I needed, and ended up throwing away a lot of it, or selling it." That was the judges own quote.
5) I see things I don't need but think about what else I could do with the money and sell it. ( that goes against my nature and is difficult)
6) In the past my ex has blocked the doorway, forced me into a corner and put her hands on me.Then threatened to call the police on me.
7) I made an extensive list for my attorney about dividing things. My ex did nothing but hire and fire attorneys, and move money. It never got brought up.
8) people advise me to start moving things already. Well her father is seated in his room right where he can see everything. He will be her spy. He will immediately call her and she can leave work at most anytime. I expect trouble.
9) I even consider taking her fathers furniture. It is mine. My sister and I bought it for my own father who has passed away 11 yrs ago.. My son could use it. ( he has one dresser, a shared desk, a recliner and a pull out couch in the den/ music room. All that can stay here for him. Money will be tight for me in the next year.
10) I think it's going to take a call to my attorney, hire some men to help me move, and have the Sheriff present.
So many freekin' worries and thoughts!!
These are also times when I wish I had a woman to back me and to help with these difficult decissions. On the other hand it's more of those ' life lessons' that prove " I can handle this myself".
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 5, 2018 9:06:14 GMT -5
Congrats on your new purchase and your new start.
I remember I hired the movers to come while the ex was at work.
Police presence is a good idea though just in case.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 5, 2018 9:52:08 GMT -5
There is this HUGE entertainment center we purchased years ago. It's very expensive. It's 5 pieces put together, craftsman style glass and wood.
I know people are not buying entertainment centers any more. Does she know that? Probably not.
It holds the Tv. Videos and trinkets.
I dont want it, need it or have room for it, yet it's still worth a pretty penny. It fits well where it is. I wont miss it. Yet I walk buy it daily and think about it and so mamy other items!
Maybe I can use it as a bargaining piece? Then reality hits " I'm dealing with a zero communication, my way only, zero giving, penny pinching narc".Who loves to say "call my attorney".
I'll be glad when this chapter is finished.
Again I will look at all that I left behind and think " she won the battle but I win the war".
Difficult life lessons for sure!
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Post by WindSister on Apr 5, 2018 9:59:16 GMT -5
There is this HUGE entertainment center we purchased years ago. It's very expensive. It's 5 pieces put together, craftsman style glass and wood. I know people are not buying entertainment centers any more. Does she know that? Probably not. It holds the Tv. Videos and trinkets. I dont want it, need it or have room for it, yet it's still worth a pretty penny. It fits well where it is. I wont miss it. Yet I walk buy it daily and think about it and so mamy other items! Maybe I can use it as a bargaining piece? Then reality hits " I'm dealing with a zero communication, my way only, zero giving, penny pinching narc".Who loves to say "call my attorney". I'll be glad when this chapter is finished. Again I will look at all that I left behind and think " she won the battle but I win the war". Difficult life lessons for sure! From someone who left it all behind, I can say a clean slate is glorious. But, I did regret leaving him EVERYTHING when I bought a house again..... so I do wish I had some discussions over SOME things at least. I wish you the best of luck and look forward to hearing of your new adventures in your new home. That will be a real healing place for you if you let it be. Your own home, away from her, starting new. Good stuff!! |
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 5, 2018 10:20:57 GMT -5
Enjoy leaving behind what you don't want - like, her half of the entertainment center. ROFL! (j/k, but it is a funny visual.)
Unless you're into running garage sales, etc., take only what you need so you don't clutter your new life or pay to move/store it. Hiring an off-duty cop for the day is a proactive idea to keep her in line. And movers to make the process fast. But her dad's dresser, etc... you know that's going to pick a fight - pick your battles.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 5, 2018 11:30:41 GMT -5
In my 1st divorce I pretty much got cleaned out since I had small kids and 30 yrs. ago men in N.C. always took an ass whipping irrespective of how the divorce came about. Take everything hat's yours. If you don't have room at the new house rent a storage unit for a month or so. A small unit will run about 60 to 100 dollars a month. You can put a lot into them and then make use of craigslist to sell what you really can't use. This woman has robbed you for years. You don't need to be rewarding her behavior.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 5, 2018 15:49:11 GMT -5
Take what you think you need. Forget the rest. It's stuff.
That being said. I had a few things that were not expensive but meant a lot to me. Take those. You can't get the memories back.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 5, 2018 15:56:08 GMT -5
Take what you think you need. Forget the rest. It's stuff. That being said. I had a few things that were not expensive but meant a lot to me. Take those. You can't get the memories back. Here is where I waffle and is part of my delima. Things that I may not need are sellable. I have afriend wo owns and operates a thrift store. He'll be here with his truck and can give me cash. I also dont mind giving gim some of the profit. We will be doing business for years to come. Then their is the part about boundaries and no longer continuing to be taken advantage of! Dishing out some consequences towards her controlling, selfish, manipulative behavior. I look at several items ( appliances and full bedroom sets) all worth thousands. So I do have to question at this stage in the game, " what do I have to loose by taking it?" |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 5, 2018 16:34:49 GMT -5
Take what you think you need. Forget the rest. It's stuff. That being said. I had a few things that were not expensive but meant a lot to me. Take those. You can't get the memories back. Here is where I waffle and is part of my delima. Things that I may not need are sellable. I have afriend wo owns and operates a thrift store. He'll be here with his truck and can give me cash. I also dont mind giving gim some of the profit. We will be doing business for years to come. Then their is the part about boundaries and no longer continuing to be taken advantage of! Dishing out some consequences towards her controlling, selfish, manipulative behavior. I look at several items ( appliances and full bedroom sets) all worth thousands. So I do have to question at this stage in the game, " what do I have to loose by taking it?" Then take it all. Trust me the cash will come in handy. Starting over ain't cheap. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 5, 2018 17:15:47 GMT -5
Next comes trying to predict her 'double standards' behavior. Recently she took our teenage daughters out for, haircuts, pedicures,manicures, a movie, donughts for breakfast, and new shoes.All in a day.
Takk about double standards and being as predictable as a feather in a wind storm!
This from the same mother who told them " Gatorade is a luxury you can drink water, you dont need shoes those still have life in them, there is plenty of food in the pantry for you, your not old enough for painting your nails, nothing bright, your hair is fine the way it is etc...( all about money and control)."
So who really knows her behavior about the furniture.
She could easily use it as a crutch and buy them all new things. Better, newer, furniture. Let the 'I can buy the childrens love' war begin!
Its already started with the older boys. Cars, car repair, tuitions, etc...( all done behind my back. Lots of secret whispers going on, and who knows about the emails!)
Like tremmors after an earthquake. Or winds that rekindle an extinguished brush fire.
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Post by baza on Apr 5, 2018 17:54:44 GMT -5
FWIW, when I left (with about $4k in my pocket to tide me over until we did the *real* split) I took with me -
- a 13 year old Ford wagon
- my ancient laptop
- my diaries
- my golf clubs
- my phone
- a small suitcase of clothes
I figured the other stuff of "mine" could be sorted out later.
Now as it turned out, my kids still live in the old marital home (my ex missus left the house to the kids when she died in 2015) and most of the stuff of "mine" is still there.
Thing is, I think of that stuff now as "stuff", that probably ought to be given the heave ho - and I've told the kids that if they want they can toss it all, have a garage sale or whatever they like.
My attitude to these worldly possessions changed from when I was in my ILIASM deal.
They just don't seem to be of any importance to me now.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 5, 2018 18:50:09 GMT -5
Here's more of the 'story' with our settlement. The judge gave both of us 90 days.
I have 90 days to find a house, bid on a house,get aproved for a loan, close on a house and move out.
My ex has 90 days to refinance the loan on the existing home ( which she doesn't need) . Pay off the mortgages on the rental properties, remove her name from them, and move the remaining cash to my account.
What that did was give her 90 days to wait until the last minute to pay off the debts and remove my name.
I saw her little note that she wrote to her attorney during the judges ruling " I am already preaproved for my loan."
A stupid decision by the judge. My attorney pointed this out to the judge " my client wont be able to get approved for a loan with his name still on all those loans". It landed on deaf ears.
I'm having to pull all my money out of my IRA. This comes with a 10% penalty. This judges decision and my ex doing whatever she can to further stick it to me is costing me about 20 grand!
My ex could have prevented all that by paying off the debt the very next day. She did not need extra time. She wanted it all done in 30 days. It wouldn't have cost her one extra penny, she would rather see me loose 20 grand.
( Thank you God for giving me the house you did that fit my budget almost down to the penny- Seriously! I'm getting the cheepest home- of that size and caliber- in that very small location I had to pick from) Even with that loss my deal will be okay. In a year there will be profit.
All that, circles back to selling appliances and furniture. My daughter already asked me about what I will be taking.
Its almost impossible to not involve them. They are going to ask, why did you take the refrigerator when you already have one and it's too big?
I want to tell them the truth, " so I can buy them a new mattress , a doggie door and a fence for the dog, and storage sheds, (and foundations) for all our yard. tools".
Lastly, I'd like to think I have a decent grasp on being fair.(actually being way to generous) I'm seing this as a fair oportunity to help pay for the needed upgrades to the house so we can move in.
I also will have an extra 50 days to move things and live in both houses. That should be interesting! A wise friend told me " you are going to want to be out of there and living in your own home as soon as possible. I think he's right.
I'm sharing this for myself and the next person who has to go through this crazy stage of freeing yourself from a SM.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 5, 2018 20:05:56 GMT -5
FWIW, when I left (with about $4k in my pocket to tide me over until we did the *real* split) I took with me - - a 13 year old Ford wagon - my ancient laptop - my diaries - my golf clubs - my phone - a small suitcase of clothes I figured the other stuff of "mine" could be sorted out later. Now as it turned out, my kids still live in the old marital home (my ex missus left the house to the kids when she died in 2015) and most of the stuff of "mine" is still there. Thing is, I think of that stuff now as "stuff", that probably ought to be given the heave ho - and I've told the kids that if they want they can toss it all, have a garage sale or whatever they like. My attitude to these worldly possessions changed from when I was in my ILIASM deal. They just don't seem to be of any iimportance to me now. I'll be out a year in July and when I left I grabbed anything that wasn't nailed down that she didn't want. Now as my lease comes up and I'm looking for a new place to live I realize just how little of this crap I've actually touched. Much of it will be donated or trashed prior to the move. But at the time it made sense to grab it and run. Now? It's just stuff. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 5, 2018 20:24:12 GMT -5
FWIW, when I left (with about $4k in my pocket to tide me over until we did the *real* split) I took with me - - a 13 year old Ford wagon - my ancient laptop - my diaries - my golf clubs - my phone - a small suitcase of clothes I figured the other stuff of "mine" could be sorted out later. Now as it turned out, my kids still live in the old marital home (my ex missus left the house to the kids when she died in 2015) and most of the stuff of "mine" is still there. Thing is, I think of that stuff now as "stuff", that probably ought to be given the heave ho - and I've told the kids that if they want they can toss it all, have a garage sale or whatever they like. My attitude to these worldly possessions changed from when I was in my ILIASM deal. They just don't seem to be of any iimportance to me now. I'll be out a year in July and when I left I grabbed anything that wasn't nailed down that she didn't want. Now as my lease comes up and I'm looking for a new place to live I realize just how little of this crap I've actually touched. Much of it will be donated or trashed prior to the move. But at the time it made sense to grab it and run. Now? It's just stuff. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 5, 2018 20:58:23 GMT -5
My thoughts are full of" what's needed for the three kids and me. Minium esentials. Less is more, goodbye clutter etc...".
After that comes the " I can get cash for these things". That becomes a sticky point. Justifying my actions. And my temporary financial situation.
I think its the confrontation And the battle that concerns me.
Not being a wuss and falling back on my codependant " happy wife happy life ways" but to finally put action to my own advice that I give to others.
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