Moetse Tau
Junior Member
Posts: 87 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by Moetse Tau on Aug 21, 2016 23:25:23 GMT -5
I am not quite sure if this has been brought up before, but, honestly, I didn't feel like looking through all of the threads.
Anyway, our anniversary is coming up soon. I just wanted to ask the forum how they handled anniversaries when they really didn't feel like there was much to celebrate.
Added to that, in maintaining status quo while working things out for exit strategy(finances, etc.), I feel like a liar some days. I mean, Yes I do mean it when I say I love her, but It has become painfully obvious that this is only working in her favor at this point, and she has no intention for it to change.
Short post, and too few details, but, I just wanted to get these thoughts out here, so I could possibly see some discussion.
Thanks.
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 21, 2016 23:36:59 GMT -5
Well obvious answer is if you are trying to maintain the status quo, do what you've always done.
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Post by TMD on Aug 21, 2016 23:49:40 GMT -5
I have a wedding anniversary this week. 19 years. We have stuff to do. I don't plan on mentioning it. Here is a timeline of how things have gone the last few years:
2012 - we went for dinner. Or did we? I was so depressed this year, I'm not certain now.
2013 - we went for dinner. I agonized over buying a stupid anniversary card. None of them reflect our marriage.
2014 - I forgot it was our anniversary. He said, I was going to buy you a card. I replied, "Why bother? You haven't in years."
2015 - we were on a holiday. I had told him I was done with the marriage the month prior. No mention made.
2016 - status quo.
I still find the whole anniversary thing awkward and sad. But in past few years, my plan is to be busy on the day of and carry on.
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 22, 2016 0:04:00 GMT -5
We celebrated our first wedding anniversary just over three months ago. I realized not too terribly long beforehand that I was in no way enthused about it at all, and with some difficulty, was able to locate a card that basically said, "wow, this has been a really effing rough year."
The card she got me said pretty much the same thing.
For presents, we followed the tradition of "paper" for a first anniversary. I got her two Groupon deals for outdoor trips for nature stuff (she manages parks) that will expire in about a month, and she got me plane tickets to go hike in Glacier National Park- she's already cancelled the trip over her concerns of being physically able to do it, with the promise that we'll reschedule later. Like my graduation trip to South America, another music festival on the west coast, two long weekend getaways we had planned, three half-marathons she wanted to do on the road, and a trip to Mexico. Guess how many of those we've gone on?
The night of our anniversary we both had to work late, then both had to be at a meeting at church until about 9, then went home, exchanged gifts, and went to bed. In separate rooms. Oh, she asked me to pick her up fast food for dinner on the way home. Then ate it in bed before she fell asleep. Oh, and apologized beforehand that I wasn't getting laid on our anniversary.
The following weekend, we had a trip planned to Great Smokey Mountains National Park. We both grew up hiking all over the Appalachians, so I was excited to do some hiking with her. We hiked a grand total of 2 miles in 4 days. The rest of the time was her lying in bed in the dark in our hotel room, and me going to get her food, which she ate before falling asleep. I slept in the other bed in the hotel room after I cried myself to sleep at how lonely and miserable I was.
On the way back we had another one of our "talks" about how to improve things, I asked her again about seeing a marriage counselor, she again refused, and once again, nothing was resolved.
When we got home, I emailed friends of mine who are marriage and family therapists about what to do, started actively looking for an individual therapist for me, and started looking for advice and support for sexless marriages online. It was around that time I found my way here.
My advice is just grin and bear it, and I guess status quo for now, if you're already making plans to leave. It sounds like he may not notice anyway that something's amiss.
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Post by baza on Aug 22, 2016 0:04:28 GMT -5
Anniversaries, birthdays, mothers days, family gatherings, weddings, funerals, christenings, football parties, and numerous other social situations - and how one ought to handle these issues and how to behave at them are matters that get discussed in here quite a bit.
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Essentially, in the context of an ILIASM shithole, how you handle these situations and how you behave at them doesn't matter a real lot.
It will make not one iota's difference to your ILIASM shithole, so it isn't worth expending a lot of time / thought / energy on the issue.
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Like Brother wewbwb says, "if you are trying to maintain the status quo, do what you've always done"
But if you want to make some grand gesture, to demonstrate your dis-satisfaction at the situation, that'd be fine too (but make sure you are in a position to back it up before you try this out)
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Do what YOU like would be my suggestion.
These things are sidebars to the main issue, and whatever you do (or do not do) won't make any material difference to that.
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Personally, I used to just go with the flow at these sort of social situations, aided by gargantuan quantities of alcohol.
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 22, 2016 0:12:13 GMT -5
Anniversaries, birthdays, mothers days, family gatherings, weddings, funerals, christenings, football parties, and numerous other social situations - and how one ought to handle these issues and how to behave at them are matters that get discussed in here quite a bit. - Essentially, in the context of an ILIASM shithole, how you handle these situations and how you behave at them doesn't matter a real lot. It will make not one iota's difference to your ILIASM shithole, so it isn't worth expending a lot of time / thought / energy on the issue. - Like Brother wewbwb says, "if you are trying to maintain the status quo, do what you've always done" But if you want to make some grand gesture, to demonstrate your dis-satisfaction at the situation, that'd be fine too (but make sure you are in a position to back it up before you try this out) - Do what YOU like would be my suggestion. These things are sidebars to the main issue, and whatever you do (or do not do) won't make any material difference to that. - Personally, I used to just go with the flow at these sort of social situations, aided by gargantuan quantities of alcohol. Hmmm... Now that I think about it, the last time we had sex was the night of my grandmother's funeral... |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 22, 2016 0:38:52 GMT -5
We celebrated our first wedding anniversary just over three months ago. I realized not too terribly long beforehand that I was in no way enthused about it at all, and with some difficulty, was able to locate a card that basically said, "wow, this has been a really effing rough year." The card she got me said pretty much the same thing. For presents, we followed the tradition of "paper" for a first anniversary. I got her two Groupon deals for outdoor trips for nature stuff (she manages parks) that will expire in about a month, and she got me plane tickets to go hike in Glacier National Park- she's already cancelled the trip over her concerns of being physically able to do it, with the promise that we'll reschedule later. Like my graduation trip to South America, another music festival on the west coast, two long weekend getaways we had planned, three half-marathons she wanted to do on the road, and a trip to Mexico. Guess how many of those we've gone on? The night of our anniversary we both had to work late, then both had to be at a meeting at church until about 9, then went home, exchanged gifts, and went to bed. In separate rooms. Oh, she asked me to pick her up fast food for dinner on the way home. Then ate it in bed before she fell asleep. Oh, and apologized beforehand that I wasn't getting laid on our anniversary. The following weekend, we had a trip planned to Great Smokey Mountains National Park. We both grew up hiking all over the Appalachians, so I was excited to do some hiking with her. We hiked a grand total of 2 miles in 4 days. The rest of the time was her lying in bed in the dark in our hotel room, and me going to get her food, which she ate before falling asleep. I slept in the other bed in the hotel room after I cried myself to sleep at how lonely and miserable I was. On the way back we had another one of our "talks" about how to improve things, I asked her again about seeing a marriage counselor, she again refused, and once again, nothing was resolved. When we got home, I emailed friends of mine who are marriage and family therapists about what to do, started actively looking for an individual therapist for me, and started looking for advice and support for sexless marriages online. It was around that time I found my way here. My advice is just grin and bear it, and I guess status quo for now, if you're already making plans to leave. It sounds like he may not notice anyway that something's amiss. That makes me want to cry. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 22, 2016 6:38:18 GMT -5
We celebrated our first wedding anniversary just over three months ago. I realized not too terribly long beforehand that I was in no way enthused about it at all, and with some difficulty, was able to locate a card that basically said, "wow, this has been a really effing rough year." The card she got me said pretty much the same thing. For presents, we followed the tradition of "paper" for a first anniversary. I got her two Groupon deals for outdoor trips for nature stuff (she manages parks) that will expire in about a month, and she got me plane tickets to go hike in Glacier National Park- she's already cancelled the trip over her concerns of being physically able to do it, with the promise that we'll reschedule later. Like my graduation trip to South America, another music festival on the west coast, two long weekend getaways we had planned, three half-marathons she wanted to do on the road, and a trip to Mexico. Guess how many of those we've gone on? The night of our anniversary we both had to work late, then both had to be at a meeting at church until about 9, then went home, exchanged gifts, and went to bed. In separate rooms. Oh, she asked me to pick her up fast food for dinner on the way home. Then ate it in bed before she fell asleep. Oh, and apologized beforehand that I wasn't getting laid on our anniversary. The following weekend, we had a trip planned to Great Smokey Mountains National Park. We both grew up hiking all over the Appalachians, so I was excited to do some hiking with her. We hiked a grand total of 2 miles in 4 days. The rest of the time was her lying in bed in the dark in our hotel room, and me going to get her food, which she ate before falling asleep. I slept in the other bed in the hotel room after I cried myself to sleep at how lonely and miserable I was. On the way back we had another one of our "talks" about how to improve things, I asked her again about seeing a marriage counselor, she again refused, and once again, nothing was resolved. When we got home, I emailed friends of mine who are marriage and family therapists about what to do, started actively looking for an individual therapist for me, and started looking for advice and support for sexless marriages online. It was around that time I found my way here. My advice is just grin and bear it, and I guess status quo for now, if you're already making plans to leave. It sounds like he may not notice anyway that something's amiss. That makes me want to cry. Which part? |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 22, 2016 7:31:46 GMT -5
cagedtiger all of it pretty much. The trips you planned that never happened, the anniversary that never was, going to the Appalachians and staying in bed. All of it. So much hope and so much wasted life. I think it might be ringing a few bells over here.
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 22, 2016 7:53:59 GMT -5
cagedtiger all of it pretty much. The trips you planned that never happened, the anniversary that never was, going to the Appalachians and staying in bed. All of it. So much hope and so much wasted life. I think it might be ringing a few bells over here. The weekend before the anniversary, I had a beach trip planned out and had timed it so we could take the dogs with us and run them around on the beach off-leash; it was the last weekend of the year that would be possible till September. Booked the last dog friendly room on the coast, and had reservations at some nice places with outdoor patios we could take the pups to. The day before we were due to leave it became, "I'm tired, can we just take them for the day on Saturday?" I was up and ready to go by 7. She woke up around 10:30 with, "I'm tired, but you should go if you want." It's a 3 hour trip each way. I'll have to teach the puppy how to swim another time. |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 22, 2016 8:20:00 GMT -5
That does all sound strangely familiar.
Not all dogs like swimming though. I remember the first time we took ours to a real surf beach she went out into the shallows and then the first big wave that came in she came tearing out of the water as fast as she could and jumped straight up into my wife's arms. Somehow my wife held on but I don't know how because she is a ridgeback and weighs 85lbs.
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Moetse Tau
Junior Member
Posts: 87
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by Moetse Tau on Aug 22, 2016 13:05:00 GMT -5
Thanks all. Thats about what I have come up with as well Maintain... you do you... try to find a card.... lots of alcohol... Got it. To those that mentioned a card...yup..Damn..That is a difficult task. I remember that I bought two last year. A funny one and one with about as much mushy as I could handle passing along. I gave the funny one, and eventually ended up throwing away the mushy one. Couldnt even give it, especially after an odd discussion about the anniversary that same evening. cagedtiger Your story does ring a lot of bells here too, we were supposed to travel, etc. as well. Does your wife have health issues? I think that is part of my wifes problem as well, most of which could be solved by regular exercise, which she wont do. Our travel was killed by finances, her business start-ups cost money, and have yet to produce a return. She is brilliant, and talented and could easily fill the bank, but always finds a reason that the business cant be successful. It seems, to me, that as long as I am paying the bills, there is no reason to do more than dabble. And some how, one class a semester seems to be almost too much to handle. Even though I work with women that to manage husband, kids, full time work and school. And I manage to work two jobs, do most of the house chores, cook alot, and still have time to go out and see people. Doesnt make sense. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2016 13:09:20 GMT -5
I have a wedding anniversary this week. 19 years. We have stuff to do. I don't plan on mentioning it. Here is a timeline of how things have gone the last few years: 2012 - we went for dinner. Or did we? I was so depressed this year, I'm not certain now. 2013 - we went for dinner. I agonized over buying a stupid anniversary card. None of them reflect our marriage. 2014 - I forgot it was our anniversary. He said, I was going to buy you a card. I replied, "Why bother? You haven't in years." 2015 - we were on a holiday. I had told him I was done with the marriage the month prior. No mention made. 2016 - status quo. I still find the whole anniversary thing awkward and sad. But in past few years, my plan is to be busy on the day of and carry on. "I was going to..." Typical lame refuser excuse. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2016 13:18:51 GMT -5
cagedtiger all of it pretty much. The trips you planned that never happened, the anniversary that never was, going to the Appalachians and staying in bed. All of it. So much hope and so much wasted life. I think it might be ringing a few bells over here. The weekend before the anniversary, I had a beach trip planned out and had timed it so we could take the dogs with us and run them around on the beach off-leash; it was the last weekend of the year that would be possible till September. Booked the last dog friendly room on the coast, and had reservations at some nice places with outdoor patios we could take the pups to. The day before we were due to leave it became, "I'm tired, can we just take them for the day on Saturday?" I was up and ready to go by 7. She woke up around 10:30 with, "I'm tired, but you should go if you want." It's a 3 hour trip each way. I'll have to teach the puppy how to swim another time. That must have hurt. Some of the few good memories I have from my second marriage are taking the dog to the beach. I know you were looking forward to that. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 26, 2016 22:35:42 GMT -5
Moetse Tau - in the 17 years married (only 3 were true SM desert, but about year 7-14 were "semi-arid") - even when we DID celebrate an anniversary, it usually ended up as "let's buy something for the house" - a few years, that was okay. Like we got a great picnic table with umbrella and deck chairs that we did spend some nice summer evenings sitting around. But how a basic "let's have some furniture" got warped into being an extravagance, I'll never quite understand. My husband was TIGHT with money. In the beginning, it was just something I kind of got used to - well, because in the beginning he was raising three kids. By the end of it - ugh. Last year on EP, I told the group about his "brilliant idea" to take me for date night which was to include a matinee and a dinner out. (Not dinner and a movie but a movie at the cheaper showtime and then a dinner). When I commented to the group that I was dying to see if he buys both movie tickets or stands there waiting for me to go dutch with him....I was floored by the response. Everyone in ILIASM on EP was flabbergasted that after 17 years, I thought there was half a chance that I may have to go dutch. Like I say - I'll never quite understand how my brain got quite so warped. As a married couple, apparently, everyone in the world knows that if he asked me out for date night, he should expect to pay. But - live & learn. So I did. And I learned & left, actually.
I agree that you don't really want to "tip your hand" about your exit strategy - so I'd suggest do something LIKE what you've always/usually done for anniversaries (but I'd suggest to spend less and exhibit at least some loss of enthusiasm compared to earlier years).
Last year - I told my Ex about my exit about a month before our 17th anniversary. For the day of - he and I went to dinner with his daughter, her husband, and their baby girl. It was okay, actually. The kids all understood my decision. Most of them were surprised I had lasted quite so long tolerating him anyway. He doesn't treat them badly, but they saw the way he treated me and the girls knew it wasn't how I deserved to be treated (perhaps long before I really admitted that to myself).
Good luck with it!
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