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Post by Chatter Fox on Aug 27, 2016 8:04:03 GMT -5
I feel ya! The last 2 anniversaries were brutal for me. I usually write heartfelt things in cards. In the last 2 years I've had such bad writers block. It was torture. I cannot bring myself to write things that I don't know to be true and I haven't been feeling much of anything beyond friend status in years. Sooooo.... I kind of embraced that. I got a card and wrote to her about our friendship. I wasn't sure how well it would go. Oddly enough it went over great for her. She seemed to be genuinely very happy about it. ...even happier than past years when I poured on my romantic charm. So, it was a bit telling. Nothing like being friend zoned in your own marriage. ...but in a way, it's even worse than that. It's like she isn't even interested in romance at all. It's not just me. I think she prefers it this way. I would imagine other women that only felt friendship status in their marriage would be sad about it or kind of pining for some other guy that lit her fire at the very least. I can't read her mind but I swear she likes it like this and would have it no other way. It boggles the mind. Anyway, sorry to make my post all about me. Point is, I know what you're going through.
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Post by petrushka on Aug 27, 2016 8:45:33 GMT -5
I don't much hold with making a hellufalota fuss over birthdays, X-mess (that's how I spell it), Easter-bunnies never mind all the sentimental 'anniversaries' invented by the florist industry, the greeting card industry, the handyman tool industry ......
.... so I don't really waste a lot of sentiment on them: I've seen people who abuse their spouse 364 days of the year sob into their beer and then get violent and abusive again .... yukk
.... but I enjoy making people feel good any and every day of the year. That makes so much more sense to me.
So, well ... I may give my wife a fistful of cut-off sexual organs of plants, because I know she enjoys them (a.k.a. "flowers")
... and if I feel extravagant, I may give myself a birthday present, because she can usually not figure out what I'd *really* enjoy (yes, it falls on the same day as the wedding anniversary).
But usually and or for the most part we both don't mind a great deal if we ignore it. Or might have some people over but not let on. Or whatever. It's only another day on the calendar, really, with maybe
a nudge and a wink and a smile and one kiss extra.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Aug 27, 2016 9:11:39 GMT -5
Our 14th anniversary was on the 10th, and I did what I have done for the past few years.. I treat him kindly as a friend, and I don't buy cards anymore ...We go out to dinner with the kids because I always say it's nothing romantic, so no point excluding them. I bought him something simple, and that's the end of it...
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Post by itsjustus on Aug 29, 2016 11:20:24 GMT -5
"Added to that, in maintaining status quo while working things out for exit strategy(finances, etc.), I feel like a liar some days. I mean, Yes I do mean it when I say I love her, but It has become painfully obvious that this is only working in her favor at this point, and she has no intention for it to change." Between one anniversary and the next...I left my marriage, so I can't speak to having an anniversary while in the midst of my marriage circling the drain. However, I can speak to being a liar in my marriage. I lied, to her, and to myself, for many, many years. Maybe in my ignorance of what a real relationship should actually be, my only excuse, I pretended to be happy in my marriage, even when I was desperately trying to understand what happened...how did I end up feeling this miserable, this hopeless, this dead, when marriage was supposed to be the most fulfilling thing a human can have. Being a incurable romantic didn't help. Anniversaries? Oh yeah!! Fancy dinners! Surprise gifts! Flowers delivered to her work...with great fanfare...in front of ALL her coworkers!! Nights in fancy hotels, champaigne and flowers pre-delivered (big tips to the staff to make it PERFECT!) All of it! Were they all lies? I can't say they were. I was married, perhaps to a woman who had anger issues, who controlled every aspect of my and my families lives. A woman who was so jaded that no kindness went unquestioned. A woman who's issues with intimacy, sex, and closeness made me end up feeling dirty, like a sex fiend, a man who didn't deserve those things. But I was married...I just picked poorly. I made the best of it....for 32 years..Ehh..Sucked to be me.... It wasn't until I looked up sexless marriages and found EP that I found out that what I had....always had...wasn't even close to what the vast majority of those on EP wanted to get back too! Hell...some had it better than me in some aspects at the time and were still in pain from their SM hell! Thats when it dawned on me....I was living a lie. This was in an August, my anniversary was in the May before. (The last time she deemed me worthy of her getting drunk and letting me....) I tried to leave once, but was faced with her issues with me, and we decided we'd try, really try....and I lied...a lot. But by the thanksgiving holiday, I was seriously questioning not if I loved her, but if I even knew what love was, and if I'd ever loved her...truly loved her. At the family thanksgiving dinner, during the traditional going around the group and saying what we were thankful for, I actually stood and declared that I was thankful for an understanding woman who loved me and was willing to work thru any issues, no matter what.... A total fabrication. A week later, I had a nervous breakdown serious enough that I was temporarily placed in protective custody. My friends at EP pulled me thru, saved me, (something for which I will be eternally grateful. You know who you are...) and told me to set it aside for awhile...let the status que be...enjoy what progress we'd made.... But it was all a lie. A lie to my heart. A lie to her's. And I couldn't do that. I tried...declarations of love, Friday "date nights"...but my heart, my mind, even my body, betrayed me. Or rather, wouldn't lie anymore. I called off the Friday date nights, with nothing more than a blasé "Ok" in reply. I grew quiet. I retreated...trying to maintain some semblance of integrity, some form of sanity...and started looking more to what I wanted in life, in a love, in a woman, than trying to save what was to me, a hopeless, deadened of a marriage. By January, the 2nd, when she was shocked that I still wanted to find a marriage counselor (still lying) because she thought we were "fixed", I knew the end was inevitable. Exit plan or not...I couldn't live this lie anymore. It ended within the next two weeks. If anything, I've learned since is that open and honest communication, and the trust that flows from that are the true meaning of a fulfilling relationship. I've learned that love should actually FEEL fulfilling, not just the "right thing to do". I cant lie anymore. Not to my heart. Not to someone else's heart. I just can't do it. I just won't do it. It would destroy me. |
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Post by ggold on Aug 29, 2016 13:16:41 GMT -5
I am not quite sure if this has been brought up before, but, honestly, I didn't feel like looking through all of the threads. Anyway, our anniversary is coming up soon. I just wanted to ask the forum how they handled anniversaries when they really didn't feel like there was much to celebrate. Added to that, in maintaining status quo while working things out for exit strategy(finances, etc.), I feel like a liar some days. I mean, Yes I do mean it when I say I love her, but It has become painfully obvious that this is only working in her favor at this point, and she has no intention for it to change. Short post, and too few details, but, I just wanted to get these thoughts out here, so I could possibly see some discussion. Thanks. Oh the anniversary dilemma!!! Yes, every year!! Mine is coming up! Twenty-three years on Oct. 3rd!!! I'm dreading it. He always gets me a card and gift. Two years ago, I didn't give him a card. I couldn't. Felt too uncomfortable. Why celebrate?? I did write him a long letter explaining why, but I never gave it to him. Last year, I gave him a card that said he was a good father or something like that. I cannot bring myself to give him anything that suggests we are in a loving marriage. This year, no card for sure. I can't. It's too hypocritical at this point. He knows I want a divorce and am done with our marriage. I will try and just go about my day as normal. I also have to stress to him I want no card, no gift. This sucks! |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 13:22:42 GMT -5
Moetse Tau H and I do not have the adversarial relationship that some folks on here have, so we exchange cards on all major days (birthdays, anniversaries and holidays). About 10 years ago, we mutually agreed to stop giving each other gifts, because we got some tough financial Times. In fact, both of our families have adopted the "no big gifts" policy, for Christmas. We stick to funny or gag gifts for Christmas, with the "real/big" gifts for my nephews and niece on their birthdays.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 29, 2016 14:07:56 GMT -5
Sept. 5th. Makes 24 yrs of marriage. It's a holiday too, Labor Day. We planned things that way. It gives us days off and helps us to remember. However, it's just another day. This will be our last year of marriage ( hopefully) the big 25 comes next. We even discussed that in therapy, who would plan for what, year to year. Her response was as exciting as watching paint dry.
Interesting enough my STBX is making plans for our 24 th wedding anniversary. She plans on taking our two daughters and visiting her sister. The same sister who claims " I am the less than helpful husband". The same sister who encouraged her to do a trial separation ( me leaving of course) in the middle of our recovery attempt with council. The same sister who claims her ex is a narc. Yet she wanted to keep all their real estate and material possessions.
There will be no mention of it to the kids. (Grandpa might be foolish enough to bring it up) the interesting part will be the next meeting with the attorney, concerning her distance of travel.
Lots of birthdays coming up. I am expecting a contest to see who does the most for each child. We have made a tradition of taking them out for dinner, at whatever place they choose. It won't surprise me if she makes plans without me one on one. Just more reasons to get out.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 29, 2016 14:16:47 GMT -5
My 23rd wedding anniversary was this past January. I actually moved out on our anniversary neither of us acknowledged the date but we did divide up the kitchen stuff. Eighteen days later I was divorced.
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Aug 31, 2016 10:03:02 GMT -5
Anniversaries suck when you're stuck in a SM. I have one right around the corner and I'm dreading it. Going through the motions: babysitter, dinner, followed by going home, putting the kids to bed then going our separate ways. I actually found the original ILIASM EP forum late one anniversary night as I stayed awake frustrated sad and sleepless. This year I plan to drink entirely too much at dinner so I pass out easier. Fuck Anniversaries.
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pinkskies
Junior Member
Posts: 38 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on Aug 31, 2016 14:15:02 GMT -5
I agree with the anniversaries in sms suck crowd. For the past few years I just buy a generic happy anniversary card and go through the motions of dinner, social media posts etc and later get upset that I'm still in the same situation. Next year will be different..
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 31, 2016 14:19:39 GMT -5
My 23rd wedding anniversary was this past January. I actually moved out on our anniversary neither of us acknowledged the date but we did divide up the kitchen stuff. Eighteen days later I was divorced. Who got the knives? Just asking. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 31, 2016 14:37:58 GMT -5
My 23rd wedding anniversary was this past January. I actually moved out on our anniversary neither of us acknowledged the date but we did divide up the kitchen stuff. Eighteen days later I was divorced. Who got the knives? Just asking. Florida is 50/50! With the pots and pans we literally took turns picking what we want. We were very fair with splitting everything in the divorce. |
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 31, 2016 15:25:07 GMT -5
So it's like picking a team in the 5th grade?
"I'll take the 8" sauce pan."
"Okay, I'll take the cast iron 10" with lid."
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 31, 2016 15:47:33 GMT -5
Who got the knives? Just asking. Florida is 50/50! With the pots and pans we literally took turns picking what we want. We were very fair with splitting everything in the divorce. Meanwhile, I haven't even used most of the kitchen stuff because we started remodeling a month before the wedding. 17 months later, it's still not done. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 31, 2016 15:51:30 GMT -5
Florida is 50/50! With the pots and pans we literally took turns picking what we want. We were very fair with splitting everything in the divorce. Meanwhile, I haven't even used most of the kitchen stuff because we started remodeling a month before the wedding. 17 months later, it's still not done. Just keep everything in boxes in case you move. Sorry! |
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