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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 31, 2016 15:53:55 GMT -5
Meanwhile, I haven't even used most of the kitchen stuff because we started remodeling a month before the wedding. 17 months later, it's still not done. Just keep everything in boxes in case you move. Sorry! ... Most of my stuff has been in boxes in the garage since I moved in. Still feels like it's all her house. But yeah, it's all still in boxes in the spare bedroom. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 31, 2016 16:47:38 GMT -5
Just keep everything in boxes in case you move. Sorry! ... Most of my stuff has been in boxes in the garage since I moved in. Still feels like it's all her house. But yeah, it's all still in boxes in the spare bedroom. Sorry to say but that's a good thing at this point and the fact that it feels that way is very telling. If I had a man I would make him feel very comfortable. |
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Post by csl on Aug 31, 2016 16:58:03 GMT -5
Apropos to nothing but the thread title, one of my personal heroes (a few years back) told the truth. His refusing wife was enthusing about a milestone anniversary that was coming up, and a family vacation that she was planning. She got caught up in her personal delusion and said, "Wouldn't it be nice to celebrate our anniversary in Hawaii?" I don't know what came over the boy, but something must have been triggered, because he simply asked, "What have we got to celebrate?"
Of course, WWIII broke out, but the wife was no longer able to labor under the delusion that she had a happy marriage.
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 31, 2016 17:01:56 GMT -5
We celebrated our first wedding anniversary just over three months ago. I realized not too terribly long beforehand that I was in no way enthused about it at all, and with some difficulty, was able to locate a card that basically said, "wow, this has been a really effing rough year." The card she got me said pretty much the same thing. For presents, we followed the tradition of "paper" for a first anniversary. I got her two Groupon deals for outdoor trips for nature stuff (she manages parks) that will expire in about a month, and she got me plane tickets to go hike in Glacier National Park- she's already cancelled the trip over her concerns of being physically able to do it, with the promise that we'll reschedule later. Like my graduation trip to South America, another music festival on the west coast, two long weekend getaways we had planned, three half-marathons she wanted to do on the road, and a trip to Mexico. Guess how many of those we've gone on? The night of our anniversary we both had to work late, then both had to be at a meeting at church until about 9, then went home, exchanged gifts, and went to bed. In separate rooms. Oh, she asked me to pick her up fast food for dinner on the way home. Then ate it in bed before she fell asleep. Oh, and apologized beforehand that I wasn't getting laid on our anniversary. The following weekend, we had a trip planned to Great Smokey Mountains National Park. We both grew up hiking all over the Appalachians, so I was excited to do some hiking with her. We hiked a grand total of 2 miles in 4 days. The rest of the time was her lying in bed in the dark in our hotel room, and me going to get her food, which she ate before falling asleep. I slept in the other bed in the hotel room after I cried myself to sleep at how lonely and miserable I was. On the way back we had another one of our "talks" about how to improve things, I asked her again about seeing a marriage counselor, she again refused, and once again, nothing was resolved. When we got home, I emailed friends of mine who are marriage and family therapists about what to do, started actively looking for an individual therapist for me, and started looking for advice and support for sexless marriages online. It was around that time I found my way here. My advice is just grin and bear it, and I guess status quo for now, if you're already making plans to leave. It sounds like he may not notice anyway that something's amiss. ... and it just came out in counseling that she thought we had a good weekend on that trip. At least, that's what she told our therapist. |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 31, 2016 18:32:07 GMT -5
We celebrated our first wedding anniversary just over three months ago. I realized not too terribly long beforehand that I was in no way enthused about it at all, and with some difficulty, was able to locate a card that basically said, "wow, this has been a really effing rough year." The card she got me said pretty much the same thing. For presents, we followed the tradition of "paper" for a first anniversary. I got her two Groupon deals for outdoor trips for nature stuff (she manages parks) that will expire in about a month, and she got me plane tickets to go hike in Glacier National Park- she's already cancelled the trip over her concerns of being physically able to do it, with the promise that we'll reschedule later. Like my graduation trip to South America, another music festival on the west coast, two long weekend getaways we had planned, three half-marathons she wanted to do on the road, and a trip to Mexico. Guess how many of those we've gone on? The night of our anniversary we both had to work late, then both had to be at a meeting at church until about 9, then went home, exchanged gifts, and went to bed. In separate rooms. Oh, she asked me to pick her up fast food for dinner on the way home. Then ate it in bed before she fell asleep. Oh, and apologized beforehand that I wasn't getting laid on our anniversary. The following weekend, we had a trip planned to Great Smokey Mountains National Park. We both grew up hiking all over the Appalachians, so I was excited to do some hiking with her. We hiked a grand total of 2 miles in 4 days. The rest of the time was her lying in bed in the dark in our hotel room, and me going to get her food, which she ate before falling asleep. I slept in the other bed in the hotel room after I cried myself to sleep at how lonely and miserable I was. On the way back we had another one of our "talks" about how to improve things, I asked her again about seeing a marriage counselor, she again refused, and once again, nothing was resolved. When we got home, I emailed friends of mine who are marriage and family therapists about what to do, started actively looking for an individual therapist for me, and started looking for advice and support for sexless marriages online. It was around that time I found my way here. My advice is just grin and bear it, and I guess status quo for now, if you're already making plans to leave. It sounds like he may not notice anyway that something's amiss. ... and it just came out in counseling that she thought we had a good weekend on that trip. At least, that's what she told our therapist. She probably didn't feel that way at the time. But it doesn't sound like she wants to go into any of that dark stuff in your therapy. CT, this might be pure projection, so take it with a pinch of salt. It looks from here, though, like your wife was a lovely person when you were dating and only seeing each other every week or two. But she wasn't ready for marriage, she is not ready for a full on relationship, she is not ready to take therapy seriously, and she is definitely not ready to deal with a lot of her demons. That doesn't make her a bad person, it is just who she is. But it does make her unsuited to being married, and it definitely makes her unsuited to being married to someone like you who wants love and excitement and sex and adventure and intimacy. Maybe in 10 years time she will have grown a lot and she could be the lovely person she is without all the demons. But she is not there now. And she is not going to be any time soon. Your marriage is killing you. Can you honestly see it changing in the near future? |
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Post by beguiledcinderella on Sept 1, 2016 1:08:09 GMT -5
We have come to an uneasy truce about anniversaries. We go on a weekend getaway together and splurge. And it is a present to each other. It also covers both of our birthdays since they are near. I have sufficiently adjusted my expectations and our relationship has shifted to the point that I have actually come to enjoy these weekends.
Two years ago we were discussing our relationship. Almost a post mortem sort of discussion at this point and my husbro said that he felt "unlovable". This made me feel really sad for him. And I also felt like maybe I'd failed in some way in making him feel loved and appreciated. So on his next birthday I cut out paper hearts. All different sizes and shapes. Out of fancy papers and plain-- all unique. I chose patterns I thought he'd like. Picked his favorite colors. As many paper hearts as his years on the planet. And on each heart I wrote something I loved about him. It was actually a very challenging task given the state of our relationship but I thought long and hard and on each heart in different colored pens, with different styles of script-- I wrote the things I loved and appreciated about this man I've spent such a great portion of my life with. I gave them to him on his birthday along with breakfast in bed. I arranged them in a pretty glass bowl.
As he read them he actually got a little bit tearful. He seemed to appreciate the gesture so much. I told him I wanted him to remember the things that are great about him. The things he does "right". He thanked me.
Four days later I found all the hearts in the recycling bin. I have to admit I didn't think he could still hurt me -- but that one stung.
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 1, 2016 7:20:29 GMT -5
We have come to an uneasy truce about anniversaries. We go on a weekend getaway together and splurge. And it is a present to each other. It also covers both of our birthdays since they are near. I have sufficiently adjusted my expectations and our relationship has shifted to the point that I have actually come to enjoy these weekends. Two years ago we were discussing our relationship. Almost a post mortem sort of discussion at this point and my husbro said that he felt "unlovable". This made me feel really sad for him. And I also felt like maybe I'd failed in some way in making him feel loved and appreciated. So on his next birthday I cut out paper hearts. All different sizes and shapes. Out of fancy papers and plain-- all unique. I chose patterns I thought he'd like. Picked his favorite colors. As many paper hearts as his years on the planet. And on each heart I wrote something I loved about him. It was actually a very challenging task given the state of our relationship but I thought long and hard and on each heart in different colored pens, with different styles of script-- I wrote the things I loved and appreciated about this man I've spent such a great portion of my life with. I gave them to him on his birthday along with breakfast in bed. I arranged them in a pretty glass bowl. As he read them he actually got a little bit tearful. He seemed to appreciate the gesture so much. I told him I wanted him to remember the things that are great about him. The things he does "right". He thanked me. Four days later I found all the hearts in the recycling bin. I have to admit I didn't think he could still hurt me -- but that one stung. Ouch.  Was that the final nail in the coffin? |
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Post by ted on Sept 1, 2016 8:53:31 GMT -5
I didn't even know anniversary and birthday sex were a thing until a friend told me.
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 1, 2016 9:27:25 GMT -5
I didn't even know anniversary and birthday sex were a thing until a friend told me. My wife has apologized that I haven't gotten either the entire time we've been together... Not sure if that's better or worse than your situation... |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2016 9:39:40 GMT -5
I didn't even know anniversary and birthday sex were a thing until a friend told me. Same here....never have gotten either in 7 years.... |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Sept 1, 2016 9:57:05 GMT -5
... Four days later I found all the hearts in the recycling bin. I have to admit I didn't think he could still hurt me -- but that one stung. You went to such effort to show him how much you cared and that's what you get? Did you smack his face? You should have. |
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Post by csl on Sept 1, 2016 16:07:12 GMT -5
... Four days later I found all the hearts in the recycling bin. I have to admit I didn't think he could still hurt me -- but that one stung. You went to such effort to show him how much you cared and that's what you get? Did you smack his face? You should have. Turn it around and see if it still a go - wife throws flowers in the trash. Slug her? |
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Post by beguiledcinderella on Sept 1, 2016 21:20:50 GMT -5
We have come to an uneasy truce about anniversaries. We go on a weekend getaway together and splurge. And it is a present to each other. It also covers both of our birthdays since they are near. I have sufficiently adjusted my expectations and our relationship has shifted to the point that I have actually come to enjoy these weekends. Two years ago we were discussing our relationship. Almost a post mortem sort of discussion at this point and my husbro said that he felt "unlovable". This made me feel really sad for him. And I also felt like maybe I'd failed in some way in making him feel loved and appreciated. So on his next birthday I cut out paper hearts. All different sizes and shapes. Out of fancy papers and plain-- all unique. I chose patterns I thought he'd like. Picked his favorite colors. As many paper hearts as his years on the planet. And on each heart I wrote something I loved about him. It was actually a very challenging task given the state of our relationship but I thought long and hard and on each heart in different colored pens, with different styles of script-- I wrote the things I loved and appreciated about this man I've spent such a great portion of my life with. I gave them to him on his birthday along with breakfast in bed. I arranged them in a pretty glass bowl. As he read them he actually got a little bit tearful. He seemed to appreciate the gesture so much. I told him I wanted him to remember the things that are great about him. The things he does "right". He thanked me. Four days later I found all the hearts in the recycling bin. I have to admit I didn't think he could still hurt me -- but that one stung. Ouch. Was that the final nail in the coffin? It wasn't really a nail in the coffin-- it was more of a moment of "wow. There's something else I know about you now" I mostly felt ... Surprised. ? And that is something I've worked diligently at -- not being surprised. |
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Post by beguiledcinderella on Sept 1, 2016 21:26:32 GMT -5
... Four days later I found all the hearts in the recycling bin. I have to admit I didn't think he could still hurt me -- but that one stung. You went to such effort to show him how much you cared and that's what you get? Did you smack his face? You should have. Nah. I know he didn't do it to hurt me. He is never trying to hurt me. He's just being who he is. However, my best friend suggested I make him one more heart for his next birthday. And it should say "I love that you value the things I do for you" and suggest that we put it with the other hearts. (He doesn't know I saw them in the recycling) |
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Post by beguiledcinderella on Sept 1, 2016 21:28:52 GMT -5
You went to such effort to show him how much you cared and that's what you get? Did you smack his face? You should have. Turn it around and see if it still a go - wife throws flowers in the trash. Slug her? There have been a couple of times in our relationship that I refrained from smacking him for much more compelling reasons! |
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Was that the final nail in the coffin?
