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Post by wanderlust on Oct 12, 2017 9:26:32 GMT -5
I found this video of Dr. Douglas Weiss describing 7 different types of sexless marriage
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 8, 2017 12:13:15 GMT -5
This is an excerpt from the book, the four agreements, which are, by the way great rules to live by. 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don’t take anything personally. 3. Don’t make assumptions. 4. Always do your best.
"If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices."
Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 7, 2017 21:07:16 GMT -5
Shouldn't she feel guilty for suckering you into providing her with insurance and income while she gives nothing in return? I don't know if that is the case H. If the issues are all legit, then I am good. I will just suck it up, for better or worse. If I find out I am being played, I'm gone.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 7, 2017 14:42:42 GMT -5
Wanderlust, your wife's medical problems wouldn't prevent non piv sexual activities. Do you wonder whether she married you so she could retire with good insurance? yes, I think about it alot. I have pushed my retirement plan forward a few years. I am retiring in 2 months. I wonder if I am making a mistake. I wonder if I was her retirement plan all along and if she loves me or just the concept of me. She would have to go back to work without my income so I would feel guilt by leaving.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 7, 2017 14:26:51 GMT -5
If it were just a list of excuses that my W has used... Sorry Mr I don’t feel like it 1) I’m too tired 2) We haven’t got time 3) But you have to get up in the morning 4) I’ve not long had a bath/shower 5) I’m not clean 6) Wait until Sunday/Monday or whatever day 7) I’m too full from dinner 8) I’ve got a headache 9) I’m just doing this 10) I’m nearly on my period 11) I’m on my period 12) I’ve only just finished my period 13) I’m a bit too drunk 14) I’m too stressed and had a crap day 15) Just because you’re in the mood doesn’t mean I am 16) I’ve just got a low sex drive 17) I thought you married me for who I am The answer in my mind to all these excuses 1) I didn’t just ask you to run a marathon in the rain 2) 30 minutes! We haven’t had 30 minutes in the last month? 3) You’re seriously trying to make out that you have my best interests at heart? What about the shit quality of sleep I will now have as I lay wondering if I am completely undesirable. 4) Perfect! I can literally run my tongue all over your body then 5) Have a quick shower then! 6) I’ve been waiting 35 days already 7) let’s give it an hour then because you won’t be full for the next 3 hours 8) But you haven’t even looked in the direction of a headache tablet all day 9) Stop doing that and have sex then 10) Let’s get it on then before you come on 11) fair play 12) Perfect! What’s the problem then 13) Fucking great! 14) Let’s unwind together then and get lost in the moment for an hour 15) I’ve had sex with you when I wasn’t in the mood but you were because, I enjoy pleasing you. 16) How is it that you masturbate and watch porn then? 17) but did you marry me for who I am? I get the "raincheck" excuse, after she has promised to be intimate. I have to use the special soap" in the shower. Different bedtime. The not now's, the don't touch me like that, you know I don't like it and you do it anyway. Heart burn or tummy troubles, I could go on and on...
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 7, 2017 13:43:17 GMT -5
2 1/2 years ago, I married my W. She is 63, I am 58. I wanted to put her on my insurance so she could quit a high stress job. She had a historectomy 25 years ago. As a result, she was having serious bladder issues and a prolapsing vagina. The added stress from her job would not be beneficial to her healing so marriage allowed her to retire. I have a good insurance. Other problems include nuropathy (nerve pain) in her toes from a botched surgery. Possible fibromyalga, possible lupus, borderline diabetes. Lots of meds including ones for pain, depression, blood pressure and thyroid.
W had her surgery 2 years ago. She used the diolators for a short time which would make sex possible. PIV happened 1 time last February for about 5 minutes. I was so careful and gentle. It has not happened since. She is prone to infection and basically says sex is off the table for that reason. None of the oral antibiotics work, except 1. The side effects for her are terrible from this drug. If that drug stops working the only option is intravenious antibiotics. Before marriage, 1 or 2 sexual encounters a week were the norm. Now a less than enthusiastic bj every 4 to 8 weeks. I pray for guidance and resolution for W to be free of pain and to have a normal life. I love my W and desparately want to restore closeness and intimacy into our relationship before it is too late, even if it does not involve PIV sex. We both need that bond to keep our marriage strong even if she does not realize it yet. After the marriage and subsequent retirement, she went from acting young and vibrant to retired old lady mode. Dramatic difference. I believe that she is capable of having intercourse but she feels her life is better without. She has always closed the door when she dresses/showers, not allowed to see her naked. Now,she pulls away when I try to intimately touch or kiss so I think the problems go much deeper than medical issues. I have not yet addressed this issue seriously with her, it is the reason I am here on the forum. I am currently reading a book called the sex starved marriage by Michelle weiner davis. It gives alot of insight. I read a little, journal a little, read this forum.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 6, 2017 18:52:25 GMT -5
Thanks JMX. I'm just so tired. I was made redundant a couple of months ago and my Dad is terminally ill. I juts can't believe how much shittier my life keeps getting. And its so hard with 'Mr Aspie'. Whenever we discuss anything serious he immediately starts saying that I am being diificult or weird (talk about projection). If I don't stop talking he then tells me to leave and find another home. If it is about money - which it has been recently then he says 'I have plenty of money. Its you that should be worried. I feel sorry for you. You have really fucked things up. You shouldn't have left your husband - now you have nothing.' Then I get the silent treatment for hours. Its just ...cruel. I have nowhere else to go as I don't have an income and my savings are nowhere near enough to buy anything. At the moment I wish I were dead. And that isn't an exaggeration. I have just had enough and see no end to the shit, just see it getting worse asI am getting older, poorer amd sicker. I don't know if this is allowed but I would really like to share this video with you by Nick Vujicic. Watch it when you have 15 minutes for yourself. You need to see this, it is message of hope for you. As for the Money issues, look at Dave Ramsey videos on the 7 baby steps on you tube. If you are determined to change your life, you will, even if you have to deliver pizza after you come home from your regular job.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 6, 2017 17:14:30 GMT -5
Yes it is the same guy Baza. And it it has been 8 months of nothing but cuddles, kisses and stroking - not sure why the 'maths don't add up'. I'm still here because I really do love the guy and the affection is lovely and the sex was great. Having jumped once it is harder (for all kinds of reasons) to jump again. I listen to my (mainly single) girlfriends of a similar age talking about how hard it is to find any man who is decent, kind and loving and think - you know what - maybe I have to accept 'good enough' and give up on perfect. As I sit here typing this my guy is stroking my naked leg and leaning over to kiss me (on the mouth) every so often. We fall asleep in each other's arms every night - things that never happened in my marriage. Ask yourself, over time, and with deeper commitments, will it get better, will it stay the same or will it continue to decline? Can you live the rest of your life with that choice?
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 6, 2017 17:05:10 GMT -5
Through all of this pain of being in a sm, i have done a lot of soul searching. Dealing with this all on my own, it has forced me to really take a good look at my life and evaluate many other aspects. Somewhere in all of that i truly began to see how all of my closest relationships (im very introverted so basically just my mom and sister, and all of my past exes) have been with narcissists. It truly has be thinking, am i doomed to forever be surrounded by these kinds of people... Could i be as well? Do you think that we choose people like our parents? When i found my husband he was everything i wanted... there were no signs of this selfish person i am married to today.... is it really just irony... Sorry im just so lost in my thoughts and babbling. When I started dating after my divorce, I would always end up in the same place with a similar type of person. I came to the conclusion that doing the same thing, the same way will never end with a different result. Find a different kind of person than you would normally date. Set boundaries and deal breakers and don't be afraid to walk away if you see something you don't like.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 5, 2017 3:02:06 GMT -5
I am really not in the position to give advice. I don't know what will work. I am experiencing similar issues. This is my first attempt at resoloution. I understand that odds are against us. If this is a person that you really love and want to have in your life you must be commited to bring about change. Address the issue of intimacy, not sex. Sex after all is just... sex. Intimacy is the bond that separates a marriage from all other relationships and what binds 2 soles together as one. All that we want is happiness and fulfilment within our marriages. It is not too much to ask. Communication is key. If your spouse loves you they will be receptive. If she is not, it is time to weigh the stay, cheat, leave option. Thanks Wanderlust, I appreciate that and hope you (and everyone else here) make progress toward a positive solution. Before I got wound up to take immediate action (as I must sadly admit I am prone to doing in many areas of my life) I decided to take a step back and think really hard about my own negative contributions to this SM situation. There are many. Maybe I will detail them later once it's sorted. I went to take a few personality tests (RE: disorders, not type) and very frankly the consistency of the outcome across multiple tests scared the living shit out of me. I could be an asshole (joking, but really not completely.) As I mentioned before - I am not always easy to live with. There's never been any physical abuse, but for sure I've played a huge part in bringing our relationship to where it stands at the moment. Words at times can be like bullets. Time to take a really good hard look at myself, before I do something that I will regret for the rest of my like - too much of that, already. Thanks again for all the help and support. I'll you all know how it goes. Miles to go, I have started journaling, to sort it all out. As I heard Dr. Phil say the other day, There are two sides to every pancake. so yes, self evaluation is important. Take a hard, critical look at yourself. Did I do something that may have caused or contributed to this? Do I have issues that need to be addressed? The only person we can effectively change is ourselves. Little things sometimes make a big difference. The best we can do for our relationships is to give our greatest effort.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 5, 2017 1:27:29 GMT -5
Just sharing a thought here - Whatever your circumstances and however far away your divorce is, if you are looking to eventually leave, start thinking of ways to securing yourself financial from like right now. You want to put yourself in a position where in a year or two you have done something about something and as a result, you have some $$ in your account. If you are a man, plan your alimony. Speak to a lawyer if you need to. If you are a working woman, think of investments and business ideas to augment your income. If you are a stay at home mom, think of small business ideas you can start right away. Irrespective of what you eventually do, it is wonderful to own that option to walk out. And the only way to get to own that option is to work for it. Here is a shameless plug for a product. A few years ago I found a program called Financial peace university by Dave Ramsey. You can find some of his videos and talks on youtube. You can find his program on e-bay or his website, daveramsey.com. there are free financial tools on a Dave Ramsey website called everydollar.com. It helped me immensely manage my finances and put me on track for financial independence. Today, I am very proud to say that I am debt free. I hope this helps.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 5, 2017 1:17:02 GMT -5
Earthhorse, I don't know if this helps but here goes. 10 years ago I was married to an unfaithful spouse. 25 years of marriage. Our 3 kids were mostly grown, sex life was not an issue. I stayed 3 additional years to try and work everything out. I would have been very happy if we could have saved the marriage. In the end it wasn't the cheating, it was the trust. I agonized for 36 months about working it out, trying every possible thing that might save the marriage. Some had a positive effect, other things, not so much. We did counselling, she was put on happy pills but would not take them consistently. For me, the divorce was the easy part, it ended the misery. Divorce is financially and emotionally devastating. It destroys the family unit, some of your friendships and completely, irrevocably destroys everything you have worked for. Even if you are on amicable terms as we were. I did feel good about myself knowing that I had tried everything I could possibly think of to make it work before I let go. In the end, all I felt was relief it was over. Good luck to you.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 5, 2017 0:14:49 GMT -5
I can relate H, my B day was last Friday. The "promise" was there. Later, after the party, so was the "I'm tired, can I have a raincheck?" Still waiting.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 5, 2017 0:07:37 GMT -5
I journal almost daily feeling rejected, it helps keep things in perspective. It is also a way to set up an action plan for your future.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 4, 2017 23:55:44 GMT -5
I told 2 friends. One was temporarily going through a dry spell which was resolved. It helps to talk to someone. It also helps a lot that this forum is here for people like us to share.
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