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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 23, 2020 10:44:29 GMT -5
Are all 40-something men avoidant, or is it just here in CA? So, some of the comments on this thread seem to suggest to me that men equate sex with a relationship (such as when I’d mentioned having communication issues with my guy and @worksforme commented on how it must be difficult for women for find good dick) Is this true? If so, it explains a lot. So I have to be very specific in that, when I say I want a relationship, I don’t mean a FWB. Hi. I'm a 40-something from TN and I'm an avoidaholic. Open to sex, but not a relationship. Translation: I have been through marriage HELL and the trauma still lingers. I just need to heal and learn how to grow up and be comfortable in my own skin before I can trust myself to fall in love and get too close to another person again. So how many guys do you think I have to sleep with before I find one who sticks around for a while? 😂 I talked to my friend’s therapist yesterday and joked that at this rate my “number” is going to hit 500 (it was 3 when I was married). She offered some tactics for conveying that, no, I’m not trying to trap anyone in a relationship, I just want communication and I need data at this point.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 22, 2020 12:56:55 GMT -5
Stupid typos!
So, some of the comments on this thread seem to suggest to me that men equate sex with a relationship (such as when I’d mentioned having communication issues with my guy and @worksforme commented on how it must be difficult for women for find good dick) Is this true? If so, it explains a lot.
So I have to be very specific in that, when I say I want a relationship, I don’t mean a FWB.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 22, 2020 11:57:47 GMT -5
Are you looking for sex or a relationship? (i.e. are you this guy's booty call or are you actually trying to connect on another level?) Sex is secondary but has always still been important.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 19, 2020 17:25:37 GMT -5
I didn’t hear a peep for nearly a week.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 19, 2020 17:24:50 GMT -5
The minute I gave up, he texted to say hi. We had coffee today; according to him, he’s had too much stuff going on at home and work (and it sounded like serious stuff) and I should have texted instead.
I’m going to take a few days to gather my thoughts on the topic. Like, is this me needing to chill out or is he being avoidant?
At any rate, every time I have been ghosted, I get back our there and BAM! Tons of messages. Finding sex isn’t an issue.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 19, 2020 17:20:30 GMT -5
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 19, 2020 0:47:43 GMT -5
This has been LITERALLY every guy I’ve dated since my divorce. Every last one has been avoidant and then bailed. Are all 40-something men avoidant, or is it just here in CA? The trick is to identify the avoidant ones before you get attached. I take it you are familiar with attachment theory and family of origin? There's a pretty good book that I can't put my hands on right now that I have at home that teaches you how to identify someone's attachment style pretty quickly. You might be well served by giving it a read if you never have. If you want the name of it, let me know and I'll find it in my library at home. If you find it and can quote parts of it that are relevant that would be fantastic.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 18, 2020 10:51:10 GMT -5
Annmnnnnnnd he’s ghosting me. After I arranged for my mom to take my son a few days a week so we could spend time together. Fuck. The ironic thing about being used for sex is that I no longer want it, since having sex apparently, ultimately drives people apart. Either way, I solved my sexless marriage issue. That sucks, but clearly it wasn't the right situation if that's what he did to you. It will all work out. Don't give up! This has been LITERALLY every guy I’ve dated since my divorce. Every last one has been avoidant and then bailed. Are all 40-something men avoidant, or is it just here in CA?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 18, 2020 10:50:10 GMT -5
I'm sorry that is happened to you. People can be assholes. Maybe try a single parent dating group might find less commitment phobic people. Dude has four kids!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 17, 2020 23:52:13 GMT -5
Annmnnnnnnd he’s ghosting me. After I arranged for my mom to take my son a few days a week so we could spend time together.
Fuck.
The ironic thing about being used for sex is that I no longer want it, since having sex apparently, ultimately drives people apart.
Either way, I solved my sexless marriage issue.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 1, 2020 23:43:24 GMT -5
I've installed a few dishwashers over the years, so I'm good my friend, but thanks. I'm just trying to figure our why I keep seeing the pool guy pulling out of my driveway as I get home from work every week. I don't have a pool! On a side note, your story is fascinating with your polyamory experiences. I have lots of questions. Inquiring minds want to know. Anything specific?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 1, 2020 20:16:24 GMT -5
I load our dishwasher all the time and it hasn't worked yet. If your dishwasher doesn’t work, I do know a guy… 😉
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 1, 2020 11:03:28 GMT -5
The only thing that messes with my head is the new guy doesn’t talk to me *every* day (I was told by a group of ladies on Facebook that “if a man isn’t texting every day, he’s not really interested!”) If I were the "love doctor" and I heard this I would diagnose that these woman are suffering from ADD. Just one man's opinion but if I were you I would not be taking advice from these ladies. I don’t know about ADD, but the page is run by a guy who is an admitted fuckboy. He’s written a long list of rules that women must adhere to. And anytime I say anything in the group with someone goes “Haven’t you read the rules??” I thought about it, and it strikes me that I broke a lot of rules when I was raising my son and he turned out fantastic. People are not all the same… So I’m going to follow my gut more than some more document uploaded to Facebook.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on May 31, 2020 22:23:23 GMT -5
So happy for you. He sounds wonderful! Life is so much better on the other side. Corona is not fun but I have another friend that met someone during lock down. I think it made it so you had more time to get to know each other with out the pressure. I’d love to hear more about your friend and who they found! The only thing that messes with my head is the new guy doesn’t talk to me *every* day (I was told by a group of ladies on Facebook that “if a man isn’t texting every day, he’s not really interested!”) Yet in person we have 10 hour dates. He seems awesome to me... one thing that made me think he could possibly be looking for more than just sex was when he was over for lunch and loaded my dishwasher. Lol!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on May 31, 2020 1:15:27 GMT -5
Oh man… I should really update this!
I think I may have mentioned that my ex and his girlfriend broke up Thanksgiving weekend, while on vacation in Oregon and Washington with our son. They got back together and broke up again a couple more times and are broken up for good.
When the coronavirus - which completely derailed my plans for my birthday on May 16th as well as my son’s birthday this past Thursday - hit, my ex got it into his head that he and I could become “play partners” but not have sex with each other. He started inviting me over for dinner all the time and offering to do me little favors around my house. It’s set off my BS alarm and I didn’t fall for it, though we do get along more often than not these days.
Two weeks into the quarantine I happened to be screwing around on Bumble one night and started chatting with a guy who lives about 20 minutes away for me. He is about four months younger than me, also about a year out of a sexless marriage (also from a crazy ex), also has teenage boys around the same age as my son, works in the same field I do and is also an artist.
We had a video date on April 3, which turned into a socially distant jog the following week, which turned into a socially distant dinner at his place the week after that, which turned into oil and acrylic painting at my house the following weekend. About two or so hours into painting all afternoon, he unexpectedly leaned over and kissed me. We both just kind of said “oh, screw it“, literally, and have been talking a few times a week and seeing each other about every week-ish since. We both take our temperature 2-3 times a day and aren’t dating others that I know of. We’ve done everything from long hikes, to getting takeout, to Bollywood dancing together. He is very funny, very sweet, and loves all forms of touch. We had sex twice in one day once - I NEVER thought that’d be possible!
I really hesitate to say that I have a boyfriend because I am so terrified it’s going to blow up at any minute. But for the moment, I seriously cannot believe this is my life right now.
The number of Covid cases where I live is a little over 400 out of a population of about half a million and very, very few deaths (I am also in California, which is still very much in lockdown mode for a lot of industries). I am keeping my circle small and tight right now.
That’s all for now!
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