idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on May 1, 2017 0:09:19 GMT -5
Wow... Some of the things you've said. I have no words. I have read about sexual issues in Japan, but never anything like this. I hope you find advice here that helps you. You mentioned a friend who ended up divorcing. Do you have any friends IRL you can talk to? I can't get in touch with her since last year. After the divorce she was attacked by almost everyone, claiming it was all her fault, how could she had an affair, her poor husband etc. She changed her number and email address and deleted her profile from every community page. The only thing I know is that she's still living in Japan. Now I only have Japanese friends. Not much help, lol. I've asked my married friends and they said they don't have sex regularly or at all, but they don't need it. They were shocked to hear I still want sex. And I'm shocked they're fine without it.
|
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on Apr 30, 2017 23:33:33 GMT -5
I am sorry you are here. I don't have any wisdom to offer on top of what the other lovely members here already offered. I can only offer you my supportive thoughts and a word of encouragement to never give up on your own life and your own happiness. As much as I believe in reincarnation, I have to say, you live only once. More to the point, you are young only for a short while. Thank you! This forum is a great eye opener for me. It felt strange to write here, but gave me comfort. And now I see our relationship isn't good or good enough at all. I'm often told that I'm still young, I shouldn't worry, I've got plenty of time. But I don't think I should spend those years like this.
|
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on Apr 29, 2017 1:34:06 GMT -5
Thank you all for your opinions! It really helps me to think clearly. Half of me says I shouldn't give up yet, especially for our child, but then my other half says it's just wasting time/energy and so I have to make a plan B. @thecelt There are some good examples of international relationships, sadly ours didn't become that. Every time he uses this "our culture" card, I ask him: why the hell did he want to marry a foreign woman? But there's no answer. He had foreign girlfriends before and lived abroad too, so he experienced how complicated it can be. He could easily find a woman here who obeys without saying anything against his will. He clearly wants me to think and live like that - for the sake of my own sanity I don't want to force myself or to be forced into it. lyn He's a kind man, but his controlling behaviour can make my head hurt many times. I think if some s**t happens again, I'll just leave for a week or so and stay at a cheap hotel in the town without telling him (I've already made a plan for that last year), maybe that would make him think. Is it normal that I feel so cruel?
|
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on Apr 28, 2017 19:33:18 GMT -5
The cultural issues are the cultural issues and are NOT a matter *you* are going to change. *Your* choice comes down to whether you are going to knuckle under to these cultural issues, or are you going to act in defiance of them. Do you know how a divorce would shake out for you in your jurisdiction ? That would seem to be the first thing to establish, so you know precisely what obstacles potentially stand in the way of your future. Unfortunately, given your spouses personal attitude, and the prevailing cultural view to reinforce his view, the chances of your marriage being "fixable" appear to hover at about "zero". I started to think about that recently. Also I don't want to threat him with empty words if I come up with this, because he won't take me seriously. But I can't leave yet for financial reasons. I know it's my fault. I became a SAHM and I'm just getting back to work again slowly.
|
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on Apr 28, 2017 19:14:46 GMT -5
Last night, after I wrote here, I invited him to have some wine together. I enjoyed it, it was something different from usual, and we had a little time together.
But this morning made that warm feeling disappear. He was aroused and let me touch him (I was seriously thinking I say no, but I just couldn't...). After a while he asked me to stop and went out of the room to finish it himself. It was so humiliating... I have to say no!
It was good to write down everything, felt like a quick therapy. And now reading your comments, I have to be honest to myself. It's all true.
What is a marriage to me? A romantic relationship where we are sharing partners. Not this. And I'm the selfish one when I'm willing to share! And it's more important after we have children to spend valuable time together. This is not happening at all, despite my efforts. Now I remember once I told a friend that we're not even roommates: I have a boss, and that's all.
A friend of mine (we came to Japan together and got married the same year) had the same problems and she chose outsourcing, as you call it. They divorced after one year of marriage. I think she's lucky these issues showed up so early.
|
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on Apr 28, 2017 11:29:50 GMT -5
Thank you baza and seabr33z3 for your kind answers! I want to make a change in this, mostly because I can't imagine myself living like this. The tissue thing made me angry first, then it became purely degrading. I did leave it there a few times, but there's a child in the house who shows great interest even in the tiniest piece of trash... By the way, I wrote the full story here: iliasm.org/thread/2895/idna-story-japanI've got many things in my head, but just too tired to make it into clear sentences now. I will write more tomorrow.
|
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on Apr 28, 2017 10:49:21 GMT -5
I'm from Europe, living in Japan, married to a Japanese man. I’ll hit 30 next year, he’s in his 40s. We’re together for 6 years, 4 years in marriage, 1,5 years in SM - and a pregnancy before that, so more than 2 years. My husband is very precise and a controller – I knew it as soon as we moved together, and I’m still learning how to handle this.
Sex was always good and very frequent. Any physical intimacy suddenly disappeared when I got pregnant in 2015. I thought he was afraid of hurting me or the baby, so I didn’t give much thought about it. We both wanted a child, he wanted it more I think. The end of the pregnancy was very stressful for me, because that time I lived with my in-laws for 3 months. (It’s common in Japan for women to go back to their parents’ place for the time of childbirth, so their mother can teach them how to care for the baby. Of course, I couldn’t do this being so far from home, so I had to stay there.) I was very tense and stressed after that period and everything just added onto that. After I came home with the baby, we were together once or twice, but because it was painful for me, he stopped trying. I told him it gets better with practice, but he still didn’t initiate or show interest in me. Frequency was once a month (or wasn’t at all); no foreplay, always the same position – the complete opposite of how it was before. I found him many times masturbating or I could hear him watching porn. I asked him what happened and he said he just didn’t want to bother me, because I must be exhausted. I told him I’m ready for it anytime, anywhere, even if I didn’t sleep for days. He seemed relieved and happy about it, but instead of more, we had less sex. Now he’s under medication for his OCD, and those pills made his libido disappear completely – that's what he's telling me, while he still successfully masturbates almost every night while I put our son into bed. He doesn’t even try to do it discreetly... I can’t believe he still chooses that instead of me, when just a snap of his fingers and I’d be naked in 2 seconds!
Now we don’t have sex at all, the last time was in January. It was then when he told me he wants another baby, so he bought a package of ovulation tests. Now he has to do something only at the right time of the month, but he still doesn’t want to have sex at all. I’d like to say that I don’t mind it, because with this it feels like sex became one of my household tasks, but I’m still almost constantly turned on. Though I really don’t want to bring another child into this marriage until some positive change. To distract myself, I started to make a business out of my hobby, and it makes me so busy, that I don’t even have time to sleep.
I talked to him about this many times. Every time I mention the lack of intimacy (not just the sex part; there are no kisses and hugs), he gets very angry or just laughs, and never gives a straight answer. He says I’m crazy, selfish and just want him for sex. Why? Isn't it the most natural thing in life?
I still try to initiate sometmes. (He said it’s my job because I want to have sex...) I don’t give faint hints, I tell him in the face what I want or crawl up on him, but there’s no success, only excuses: he’s tired, stressed, it’s too late, he has to wake up early etc... Last month he suggested we should try for a baby if I'm ovulating. When I said I’m not, but we can still do it, he just sighed "don’t come up with this again" and went to sleep.
I think our SM is a little different, because it’s a cultural thing here. Love, sex and marriage are different things and don’t need to go together, I was told. Many couples stop being intimate after children, some stop right after getting married. Sleeping in different rooms are quite common as well. I’ve talked and read about this a lot. I knew something about it before our marriage, and I did discuss it with him if we would become one of the enstranged and sexless couples, but he promised nothing would change. How could I know it wasn’t true? He himself told me a while ago that love is not important in a marriage, good social background and money are more important. I know I shouldn’t question his love for me, but after all this... I don’t know... I don’t know what to think anymore.
I don't know what I want to do, my head and thoughts aren't clear yet. I'm still trying to save this marriage, but it’s difficult when it’s perfectly fine for the other. I know no one can give me the best solution, it all depends on me.
|
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on Apr 28, 2017 3:49:42 GMT -5
Hello,
I write from Japan, but I'm from Europe. I joined this site a little earlier, but I didn't have the courage to write. I did it on another site, but then I immediately felt guilty and ashamed, and so I backed out from there.
I'm in a SM with my Japanese spouse for 1,5 years - more than 2 if I count it from the start of my pregnancy. We are together for 6, married for 4 years with 1 child. In short, my husband shut down right after I became pregnant and although he wants a second child, he's not interested in sex at all, saying he's not able to do it due to medication, but he still masturbates successfully many times a week (he's not hiding it at all, leaving the used tissues in the room for me to clean up). I don't say that everything is perfect except the sex, because he's a controller and that shows in other areas of the marriage too. But I'd like to write my full story in a new thread in the SM issues board.
I'm very confused of what to do because basically everyone around me says being sexless in a marriage is completely normal and part of the culture here. There was no sign that we will end up like this. Is there anyone here from Japan? Or anyone with experience with a Japanese spouse?
I’ve already read many posts and articles here, it was very helpful. Finding this community gave me some comfort, but it's sad to see so many people with this problem.
|
|