idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Feb 10, 2020 0:23:33 GMT -5
Almost 2 and 1/2 yrs since you were last here? Rereading your earlier history has me wondering what sort of work you are pursuing in Japan. Marriage between different cultures has to be challenging. Noting that so many marriages between same language persons end in divorce I am not surprised to see how difficult it is to assimilate into another culture. You have been working toward an escape for a long time, but you seem determined to find your way to the other side. Good luck and keep posting. Part-time English teacher, and selling my paintings on the side. I’ve started the latter years before. I had to realise that teaching is the easiest here for an English speaker and pays well enough. I’m qualified, but not an English teacher, so I was always afraid of it. Sometimes I feel more determined, but then I start to question myself because he’s not a bad person after all. If he was a monster, it wouldn’t be so difficult to leave.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Feb 8, 2020 22:09:11 GMT -5
Thank you for the warm welcome! I think that’s why I wanted come back here. Facing this alone in a country where a marriage like this is culturally normal is not easy. I look at married couples and can’t help thinking that they might live in a SM. Handy Distracting myself isn’t difficult since I’m not attracted to him as before. ironhamster That’s exactly what he always says, that it’s normal. I know my situation is special, because it’s caused by medication. But he is perfectly fine with it, not looking for alternatives, not trying at all. Even if he’d do something, I don’t think things will get better. I have mixed feelings about it. I can’t think about him as a lover anymore. Outsourcing is pretty common here. Many people are doing it until they can/instead of divorce. It pops into my head sometimes but I’m very faint-hearted about it, because of my visa. baza There are many international law offices here and they are very helpful. With only a spousal visa, I’m in the same place as elynne was. Applying for permission to settle is the next thing for me to do. It gives the same rights and benefits as a citizenship, and it’s easier to get. From there, I can think about separation. Until then, just baby steps. I have many things to work on, including a full time job (I’m working half-time) to finally reach that financial freedom, but it’s not easy with a small child at home. Changes are coming, but Japan isn’t a good place for working moms. And I have to work on myself too, because I feel guilty just by writing about this.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Feb 8, 2020 9:07:54 GMT -5
I’ve been thinking about this forum and lurking around for quite a while now. I haven’t been here for a very long time and I thought it would be good to join this group again. I’d like to be more active here than before.
My SM is the same as before. If some of you don’t know or remember my backstory: H is under medical treatment for OCD that prevents him from performing, yet he has no problem when he’s alone. Nothing has changed. Therapy is a big no-no because it means hard work, though it would be more effective. Taking the pill is the easiest way even with all the crazy side effects because he doesn’t have to make any efforts.
He’s a controller, but I’ve learned how to live with it. I stopped “nagging” and arguing, and I think I’ve turned quite passive aggressive. We officially reached roommate status. We haven’t had sex or any kind of physical affection (pecks, hugs or anything) for more than two years now. At one point H insisted to sleep together again, but it just made me feel awkward, so this time it was me moving out of our bedroom and made the guest room into my own space. We never go out together and don’t talk much to each other. When someone asks me how’s the H, I honestly don’t know what to answer - he’s fine, I guess.
Coping with the SM is not so difficult, though the tension made me return to my old habit of smoking (and I’m not proud of it). I’m not resentful anymore, I’ve been working a lot on keeping myself busy physically and mentally to not get consumed by those thoughts and feelings. I concentrate on everything around me from gardening to participating in community events to learning a new language. Just not being around him helps a lot too. I also got myself together, dressing up nicely, make up and everything. It helped to get my self esteem back. The H noticed it as well; his only comment was if I was going out with someone... Once he told me he feels sorry for me because I’m too young to live like this. I don’t know what’s to do with this “sorry”. I think if he really feels sorry he would try and do something about it.
I chose to stay. I have to. A divorce wouldn’t end well for me right now. I’m still living here on spousal visa and unless I can change that, I can do nothing. I’m working on it. I just turned 32 and I hope I can get out of this one day. Outsourcing is an option. If the opportunity comes I don’t know if I’d take the chance. I haven’t made up my mind yet, but I could manage it (the money, contacting and travelling) without being traceable.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 12:34:23 GMT -5
northstarmom I'll definitely try to find a lawyer. I don't need permission from my husband. That's all for now because I'm completely exhausted and I need some sleep. Thank you everyone for your advices, I really appreciate it! It gives me so much confidence.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 12:17:03 GMT -5
hopingforachangeI don't know if we could do something like that legally. I'm still in the middle of looking for sources to get more information. My H doesn't allow me to go home with our son, because he's worried about us if the child can not take the 15+ hours trip on the plane. I truly believe he suspects nothing about my research, so it's not out of fear for me not coming back to him.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 11:30:21 GMT -5
TMD Good Lord... I hope she's okay. It is indeed very scary. Oh yes, I wasn't born yesterday, I know very well what Tinder is for.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 10:33:01 GMT -5
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 10:18:26 GMT -5
I am thankful to receive the update, as I wonder after your status often, sister. Sadly this disclosure doesn't surprise me much (although the freedom with which he conducts himself seems brash). I'm sad to hear what an ass he truly is, but it's good to hear your resistance rise up in your voice in the post. Yes, I'd say you're squarely into counter-refuser mindset. I also never really had a chance to decline my Ex. But it was when I realized that I would decline - no matter what he could possibly try. That's when I knew I was done. There was nothing left to save - even if he somehow pursued treatments & COULD, I wouldn't actually want to consummate sex with him again. You can't make love with someone you aren't in love with. At that point, I saw the lawyer. At first it was just to find out & hold onto the info. I continued individual therapy too. Then I acted on what I had learned. And I don't regret it. Start some research. You needn't act on it. But just find out what the laws are like where you are. What custody may shake out IF you were to act. To leave. I'm sorry for not being here until now. There were many things going on that kept me busy. And staying on this forum made me feel miserable, so I had to take a break, BUT it did make me more conscious about all this that I could find some courage to actually stand up for myself and do research.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 10:00:52 GMT -5
northstarmom Everything you wrote, wow! The truth of your posts always hit me hard. He doesn't want to divorce, I'm sure of it. He has big plans for us, for our future together - and he wants a second child. I'm not into the last one though, not in a situation like this and he knows it. About divorcing him. I'm too afraid of it right now. I'm still somewhat dependant financially, but I have a growing amount of money saved up for emergency he doesn't know about. Right now that would be enough for me and my son to move to my home country. (By the way, I told my family about our SM and I have all the support.) But there's a serious risk of losing my child, and if that's the cost for my divorce, then I'll prepare myself to join the 'staying-for-the-kids' group and live with a roommate. If any of you are interested, I found this article earlier. Pretty long, but everything is written down precisely about divorce, family court, custody etc. in Japan: www.polonia.jp/en/life-in-japan/item/1045-divorcing-a-japanese
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 1:40:15 GMT -5
Just to update the state of my SM... It happened earlier this month and still can't believe it.
So, my H left his phone on the table and our son took it. He is only 2 years old but knows already how to push the home button and swipe. When I took the phone from him the screen was where you can see the recently used apps. Tinder was the first one.
I got very angry. I am fooled into this SM shithole and he is the one outsourcing?! I did not make a scene but questioned him about it. Of course, he got offended and denied everything, saying he used Tinder years ago, just forgot to delete it. I asked him to stop fooling around, I know how a smartphone works, especially since I use the exact same type - and that app showing up means he is still using it. Then he admitted he uses it but just to look at the pictures of women, nothing else then deleted it in front of me. We all know it means nothing since you can get it back anytime from the cloud without any lost data.
He asked me to trust him, but I just cannot. He visits a massager very often. Combine Tinder with this and the many contradictions him saying the medicines ruined his sexuality although he always masturbates, of course I am suspicious. But according to him: I am just overthinking.
This caused me to grow a little cold towards him. He is still a kind man and we have good times together going out or just watching tv, but I can not trust him 100% anymore. And I do not care much about the sexlessness - I think this is what is called counter-refusal? Just the thought of having sex with him turns me off... Although I have zero chances to refuse him. lol
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 25, 2017 20:00:47 GMT -5
I wasn't here for a long time, but I just saw the notification that I'm being tagged here. While it's disappointing to read your counselor's advice but it seems he knows a lot about Western/Japanese marriages. I did some research recently, and I came to the same conclusion that it would be better to wait until my kid grows up so I don't have to worry about him taken away from me. I've talked to some American women who divorced their Japanese husband and that ended the way you were told: they're not allowed to see their children, and know nothing about them since they divorced. Though I agree with baza about seeing an attorney. What I heard are just a few examples, maybe you'll have a better outcome than those ladies.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Jun 5, 2017 10:33:00 GMT -5
On the weekend H ask the doc about it, but the other medicine available is said to be highly addictive and stopping it can cause some scary withdrawal symptoms (not that this one doesn't have that). Although it's okay to take a break in it for the weekends, but he doesn't want that. Even if there was a better option, I doubt there would be any change because he has already expressed his opinion about marital sex... His choosing not to try other medications or not setting up scheduled breaks, speaks volumes on how he views your needs in the relationship. Also that he did not ask his doctor until I told him so. There is an option for therapy as well, but of course that means hard work, so even that is a no. He told me that I want him to suffer from his illness again, or else I would not ask him to try something else. It did hurt a little, but now I see it is just pure manipulation.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Jun 5, 2017 8:21:20 GMT -5
greatcoastalI realised he has been doing this for a while now, to avoid taking responsibility for anything he has said or did. "It was a joke" "You take it too seriously" This came up again, and I told him that I am going take everything like that. Just a joke or a lie, nothing serious. Yes, he didn't like it, and interestingly the argument ended here. I think he didn't know how to react. Thanks for the advice! Really!
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Jun 5, 2017 7:51:09 GMT -5
On the weekend H ask the doc about it, but the other medicine available is said to be highly addictive and stopping it can cause some scary withdrawal symptoms (not that this one doesn't have that). Although it's okay to take a break in it for the weekends, but he doesn't want that.
Even if there was a better option, I doubt there would be any change because he has already expressed his opinion about marital sex...
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Jun 3, 2017 1:42:13 GMT -5
Just like my husband, the reaction is the same... I still do this to him every day, because it makes me feel good. The smell of freshness after a morning shower, the scent of shampoo in the hair is the best for me. I am not really a fan of strong cologne, but on special occasions it feels like he made extra efforts. Sadly my H only wears cologne when he goes out with friends. solodriver I gasped when I read your wife's reaction! This is crazy! I wish my H would do this! I would not let him leave the room. Sigh...
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