idna
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Post by idna on Jun 1, 2017 5:48:22 GMT -5
It's true, looks has nothing to with it.
My H gained more than 30 pounds since we got married. 20 pounds in only one year! He prefers to eat out, though I prepare lunch and dinner every day. (Yesterday he just decided that he'll do a diet, but today said he'll follow it only on the weekdays. Um... Okay...) Still, I find him very attractive.
On the other hand, I lost all the weight I gained during pregnancy, because I didn't like myself that way and of course I wanted to look better for him too. I care about myself, but only for myself. I simply get no reaction from him.
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idna
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on May 31, 2017 23:58:40 GMT -5
Really, if there were more questions about him as a father, the result would have been so much better. But it's a husband test so...
57/100 Husband needs to work.
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idna
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on May 31, 2017 10:20:02 GMT -5
Sorry you are here. I'm married to a Japanese man, and I can completely relate to some points in your story. He slept (and lived) in a separate room after the birth of our son for about a half year, my mother-in-law encouraging him because "he needs to sleep well to perform at work". Even now we only sleep together when the weather is too cold or hot for him to bear without AC. He has OCD that became very severe after we had the child. I was accused of many trivial things, just because he was worried about the baby. At one point he was yelling at me that I was the worst mother and he couldn't entrust me with bringing up the child. Just beause I didn't do things his way. That one sentence still hurts as hell... After that I asked him to seek help and now that he's under medication these things don't happen. Sometimes I get together with some friends and though I wouldn't call them Tiger Moms, I see that the children's education is mostly their only concern, their number 1 priority. I see my sister-in-law's son arriving home around dinner time and falling in the bed without any food, clothes on, sleeping till morning (thanks to the extra lessons). And he's told off for not doing his homework. I agree with hopingforachange that such a complete change is scary. When I told my husband how I felt, he promised and there was a change, but we fell back to where it started. Therapy would be good, even for you, it's a great help. I don't know if your wife would be into that, my husband avoids even the idea of it, so he choose to take meds. BUT he REALLY realised that what he was doing was not normal.
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idna
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on May 28, 2017 10:25:08 GMT -5
Hopefully the new intimacy stays. What medication is he taking? If it is an antidepressant, skipping a day can return function. I took an antidepressant that killed good ability to get up for about a week and when I stopped taking it, the next day I was back about 80%, and 2 days later back to full flag pole strength. He's taking Fluphenazine, a tranquilizer and antipsychotic medication for his OCD.
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idna
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on May 28, 2017 8:06:35 GMT -5
I've been away for quite a long time...
I was on a Japanese site lately reading peoples' posts about their SM. So far I only saw refused women writing there. Their problems and conclusions are exactly the same as here: stay, outsource or divorce. I think I'll show that site to H, so he can see there are Japanese women too wanting sex from their spouses.
Anyway, he initiated a few weeks ago, but I said no for two consecutive days. I saw shock on his face and he asked why, so I explained that the rejections hurt very much and somehow I felt more sad than turned on. He just said that I take what he says too seriously... WTF??
He became kinder and calmer since then. We're more intimate, he hugs and kisses me occasionally. And we had sex this week - and it was good sex, yay! The next morning was a bit painful for both of us as we strained some muscles (lack of practice). He joked that sex could be a good excercise instead of the gym, but I doubt anything would change...
I find it most amazing that he can perform until morning without problem when he just skips a day's medicine. He's been taking it for more than a year now. How can it make such a difference? I know it's not the same, but when I was on birth control, forgetting a pill one day didn't mean I had zero protection, it's effect just became weaker. I just can't believe him when this topic comes up.
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idna
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on May 6, 2017 8:25:16 GMT -5
nolongerlonelyAh, yes, exactly what you wrote. It is indeed very sad! Even my H agrees that many things are done here in a very stupid way. I have the same issue with friends. I find it difficult to connect with them the way I connect with foreign people (including Asians). I don’t know, it’s like they always keep a distance. What really amazes me is the conformity to the majority, the peer pressure. If everyone turns left, I’ll turn left too. My H is thinking this way and it applies to the sex as well: our friends said they don't do it, so he decided that we won't do it. Thank you, I’ll try to ignore it!
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idna
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Post by idna on May 6, 2017 1:37:12 GMT -5
From taking with a few 2nd Japanese immigrants at work, 2 of them both talked about thier wife differently after they have birth. It was almost like the wife became representative on the family unit and they were no longer a person of desire but the caretaker of the children. They both married other 2nd or 3rd gen Japanese immigrants. And have spoken fondly of going to a proper geisha and we're using languages close to how they talked about thier wives before they got pregnant. Which is why I brought up her dressing like a geisha, to see if her husband would play along and over time try and associate wife, mother, and geisha. But to start out I would think you couldn't wear anything that you already own, and I would recommend not trying at home the first time (nothing associated with wife/mother). This was also assuming you were thinking about trying too save the marriage and not ready to escape. Hmmm... Sounds interesting. Yes, it’s like I was put on some pedestal of motherhood! Sadly, a dressup like that would be too much for my wallet. I think a Love Hotel would be good enough... A room with toys and everything... I’ve always wanted to try that out, but I just lack the motivation for now.
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idna
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on May 5, 2017 5:34:19 GMT -5
hopingforachangeI haven't tried that, but... sometimes I did let him buy me clothes and shoes he likes, I let my hair grow long, wore bright red lipstick and sexy lacy lingeries etc. just to please him. Everything met his taste. Aaah... Can't believe I did all that. And I still ended up here.
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idna
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on May 4, 2017 5:52:15 GMT -5
More about the sexlessness: he added he can't see himself being able to have regular sex with me in the near future. He needs much more stronger stimulation than that (I posted about this here: iliasm.org/thread/675/caught-dealing-matters-hand ), and became addicted to porn. Still, if I want something I should initiate, but after hearing this - why? Your answer to him...." you know I've been thinking about what you've said and you're right. I feel EXACTLY the same way about you. I have also been feeling that I need much stronger stimulation than just you. Glad that we are both on the same page regarding satisfying ourselves in ways that works best for each of us". OMG! Hahaha! "I need much stronger stimulation than just you." This! Seriously, I need to remember this.
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idna
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on May 4, 2017 5:37:43 GMT -5
I'm sorry, baza . I lose my mind easily when I'm annoyed. Now I see that everything I wrote has nothing to do with this. I realised that I can't fix my SM, nothing ever will. Since I'm the one going against the culture, there's basically nothing I can do. For now, I think I'll just try to befriend the thought of it, not lose myself in the process and find my happiness somewhere in it (or outside of it). I don't pretend to know a lot about Japanese attitudes, but the *impression* I get is that it is pretty sexist and hierarchical. The chances of *you* (or any individual) winning over the hearts and minds of the nation would be pretty slim. What are the nations views on cheating ? (My impression is that for blokes it is "acceptable" - but for women ??) Is that an option ? Meantime, embracing a "hobby" of consolidating your financial position would be a good one to have a red hot go at. Yes, it's pretty sexist. They are very advanced technologically, but the social system is like (according to my mother) the socialism of Eastern Europe or worse. Cheating is more acceptable for men, but recently a nationwide survey was analysed in the news and that showed that about half of the wives cheat their husbands. I don't know what happens if an ordinary person is get caught, but if it's a known person (actress, politician, any celebrity), they are shamed on national tv until they say sorry publicly. It's like everyone knows, but they don't want to acknowledge this. Well... I was thinking about this as an option. I know my H sometimes goes to so called "hostess clubs" with friends and colleagues, but nothing physical happens there, just drinking and talking with the girls. I don't know if he went any further. From time to time I'm approached by men and I always receive a business card. The last time this happened was 2 months ago, and as always I was too afraid to contact the man.
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idna
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on May 4, 2017 2:01:26 GMT -5
lynI have mentioned it to my mother, but no one else knows in my family/friends. Just as you wrote, because of embarrassment.
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idna
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Post by idna on May 4, 2017 2:00:25 GMT -5
I'm sorry, baza. I lose my mind easily when I'm annoyed. Now I see that everything I wrote has nothing to do with this. I realised that I can't fix my SM, nothing ever will. Since I'm the one going against the culture, there's basically nothing I can do. For now, I think I'll just try to befriend the thought of it, not lose myself in the process and find my happiness somewhere in it (or outside of it).
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idna
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Post by idna on May 3, 2017 0:25:13 GMT -5
"We had "the talk" again too. I promised myself that this was the last one" - you say Sister idnaIf (as is extremely likely) he does nothing, or fobs you off, what are you actually prepared to do ? I have to become financially independent again, and I'm already working on it. That will take a lot of time, years actually. I have a therapist and I consult with her twice a month. I want to continue that, really helps a lot. I want to look around if there's counseling available, but I'm afraid of that, as basically I'm the black sheep here. And if there's nothing left to do, collecting information about divorce. But I shouldn't even think about it yet since I'm dependent of him.
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idna
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Post by idna on May 2, 2017 22:52:34 GMT -5
More about the sexlessness: he added he can't see himself being able to have regular sex with me in the near future. He needs much more stronger stimulation than that (I posted about this here: iliasm.org/thread/675/caught-dealing-matters-hand ), and became addicted to porn. Still, if I want something I should initiate, but after hearing this - why?
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idna
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on May 2, 2017 22:29:04 GMT -5
I think it's time for a good vent or my head will blow up...
Since the weekend I've opened my eyes, stepped back a little and observed our everyday life. H really wants to control everyone and everything. Up until today I did everything as he said. This morning I made a small mistake by forgetting a paper coffee cup on the table. After listening to comments like I can't do such easy tasks and I'm a bad wife, I said sorry and stood up to waste that cup. He said it's too late, he did it already. I just said sorry again for causing a problem. And since then, he just acts like nothing ever happened.
I'm too tired of telling him again and again: what about me doing everything around the house, cleaning after him every f*ing day because he simply doesn't appreciate my work enough to not make a mess 5 min after I cleaned the whole place? I know, this is the role of a housewife. His work is appreciated by a paycheck. What about my work? The paycheck should be at least a "thank you", but that never happens. This happens every month. What's shocking is it wasn't like this until we had a child. I have to remind him again and again, but no effect after a week passed.
We had "the talk" again too. I promised myself that this was the last one. I told him that I need him emotionally, physically, sexually. And even if it's a cultural thing in Japan, he knows I'm not Japanese, this is not normal for me and I wasn't warned about this before we got married. And now expects me to deal with it. I also told him I feel less and less attracted to him thanks to all the failed attempts and rejections. (Although I felt the urge, I didn't threat him saying I'll look for intimacy at somewhere else, because that would just backfire.)
Our marriage is getting worse and I'm tired of trying to keep everything together. I know, I shouldn't give up for my child's sake, but I just had enough. He doesn't need a wife, just a maid.
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