TheBumble
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Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 31, 2016 17:41:39 GMT -5
I looked at the story from a male (my) point of view, and honestly - it is so refreshing to see a story like this -- where the man showed up, turned out like a gentleman, and wasn't a total fucking douchebag. He repped us men well. I am happy to see stories like this, where two good people find each other.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 31, 2016 14:35:22 GMT -5
Just came across this new Humans of New York entry - shows there is indeed hope! (the woman HONY photographed and interviewed for this one looks to be in her late 60s....perhaps older):
“I was miserable being a widow. But I knew it was going to be hard to meet someone new. There is so much space junk out there. And a lot of older men are looking for a younger woman. But I had great hopes. I did my visualizations. I pictured a nice, younger, good-looking man. Every morning I wrote down just what I wanted. Then I found him on one of those dating sites. I was a little worried at first because his profile said: ‘I’m back, ladies.’ I thought that maybe he was a womanizer. But he also quoted a psalm in his profile, and it was a good psalm, so I sent him a smile emoji. We started chatting and decided to meet at the Metropolitan Museum. I walked up the stairs and there he was! Suit! Tie! Overcoat! So much better than his picture! We spent six hours at the wine bar. They had to kick us out. We started seeing each other regularly. I felt like I was sixteen. Nothing could bother me for months. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Everything worked out just like I imagined. It will have been eight years together, this July.”
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 30, 2016 3:07:13 GMT -5
graessparrow - EXACTLY! I think many many of us could have written the same thing. I gave up talking 3 years ago.....and just started preparing myself to get out. And in the meantime, it pisses me off because she surely thinks I have just 'accepted' her way......but nope, I've had my eyes on the highway ever since that last fruitless talk in which I, too, left feeling like an 8th grade eunuch.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 30, 2016 2:46:04 GMT -5
Helen......maybe five or six years ago, I stopped lifting and focused solely on becoming 'thin'......I cycle a lot, and bought a trainer to put my bike on, and I rode that sucker day after day, hour after hour. After four months or so, I'd lost 45 pounds.....all to try and 'fit the suit' (Greg Brady reference for those who remember that episode) that she wanted me in.........but despite my work and new 'svelte' figure (I felt shitty, btw), she NEVER SAID A WORD. So, fuck it.......back to the weights and to find my own happiness under the iron.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 30, 2016 2:41:42 GMT -5
"unlocking the prison"...........OMG, it's the hardest part of the whole thing, and made all the harder the longer you're subverting yourself to stay sane and keep that mask looking nice and clean. I have struggled so hard with this. "So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains.....and we never even know we have the key..." (Eagles).
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 30, 2016 2:10:24 GMT -5
First off, thanks for setting this up! I am on the vergiest of verges in finally leaving my SM and I so need the support of people who get it! This is that place!
Secondly......I think the ShoutBox could be a really cool way for people to share 'live', just to chat (explicitly sexual stuff gets you banned, etc - same guidelines)......group chats.....but people don't often look down there. Could a section be added called something like "MEET ME IN THE SHOUTBOX!" and people could post if they're down there looking for chatters..time-stamped..I think it would help draw some attention down that way, and it seems like such a cool tool to have. I'm sitting here proctoring a test, and would love to be able to chat down there! Thanks for considering!
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 29, 2016 22:50:14 GMT -5
My wife is very thin, all her siblings are thin.......I am built like a linebacker. I lift weights, a lot. I'm just a big guy.
But I have heard things like, "I'm not attracted to your body, you need to lose weight", or "I can't be like those wives on The Biggest Loser who seem not to mind," (I am not even remotely like any BL contestant)....."Your body is a wonderland......but not in a good way," and then giggled...............Holy Fucking Shit.
And besides my BODY, she has criticized me about so many other things just about who I am and how I do things (which are NORMAL). She once said, "Hey, let's get some beers and go to the park, get outside for awhile." This was when the sexless stuff was just beginning......I was kinda excited because I thought, 'oh, she wants to spend time with me!'....
....but we get to the park, find a table, and she starts listing out all these criticisms of me......very calmly......just 'i don't like this, this, this, this, this, this, this, or this', basically. And that was our outing. Of course I was a SM newbie back then, holding out hope, giving up control, just being a pussy.
I have grown out of that and I won't be putting up with this shit much longer....like a week or so. I'm out. NO ONE should be subjected to such insults and criticisms, especially from the ONE YOU CHOSE TO MARRY!!
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 28, 2016 2:10:06 GMT -5
Though written by a woman, this is universal. I have gone back and read this every few months for several years now.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 27, 2016 19:55:40 GMT -5
Eight years ago.......beginning of the end.......... "If you want sex, you can see a prostitute." Haunts me every day.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 26, 2016 22:40:34 GMT -5
I've noticed, as I'm sure many of you have, a commonality in so many of our stories -- a spouse who also REFUSES to acknowledge, empathize with, or accept in any way our vocalized suffering and other communications about the walls crumbling all around us. They don't want to hear it, they turn it back on us as quickly as they can, they twist, they gaslight, they belittle and criticize.......they basically tell us to fuck off with our ridiculous 'emotions' and 'needs'. Gawd it sucks. To me, this is the biggest mindphuk of all, because over time it makes you doubt your very own feelings and thoughts about things. You no longer follow your heart, you don't trust your own intuition. You basically end up with very little idea of what's going on and the more you struggle the deeper you sink.
Over the past decade, we have had a handful of conversations about this issue.........I very clearly expressed what I was feeling........and then the claws always came out. I'd end up shredded. I don't know if it's just 'mine', or are most refusers this way? Man, they are GOOD at deflection and counter-attack. VERY good. Every single time I brought up the issue (not 'can we have sex', but just 'this is killing me and killing us'), I got shut down HARD. Twisted, gaslit. I was like a broken match running around with my head on fire after she got through with me EVERY time. The very last attempt I had to tell her how devastating this had become, she said, bitterly of course, that the sexlessness was "mutual, so don't you dare hang that on me!!" OMG. That's when I knew with 100% certainty there was no saving this. She has made herself really believe that - probably some kind of ego self-survival thing, I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist.
Would love to hear others experiences if this same thing happened to you frequently.........
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 26, 2016 19:11:10 GMT -5
Keep pounding the pavement (no, not THAT way) and you will find what is perfect for you!
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 26, 2016 7:21:08 GMT -5
YAY YOU!!
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 25, 2016 19:59:50 GMT -5
Currently HMRypsi61.........I joined EP in 2012, gleaned a lot of info, then went off to sulk.........I came back a year or two later under a new name (which I can't remember), did some reading, then went off to ponder.........now I'm back to get that final push, then ride off to OppositeLand.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 25, 2016 18:57:57 GMT -5
Here is what you have to look forward to........ I know there are WAY more people that cruise through here as unregistered guests, likely having googled 'sexless marriage'. There is MUCH to read here, but it all kind of comes down to this fine point. You're screwed. To be blunt. Precious few marriages that have you googling 'sexless marriage' are survivable, for many many reasons. You can read all about it by going through the 'Popular' posts of this unfortunate group.
What I'd like to do, simply, is tell you what you very well may face in the years ahead (for those of you gasping at a few months without sex, and with it looking like it may last another month....or maybe a year and a half, heck, maybe five, ten, fifteen, twenty......you'll read all about that in the Popular posts (use the 'sort' dropdown). We're all different of course, but we are also all human and I bet our ways of dealing with this level of duress is all too common amongst us.
You MAY VERY WELL, at some point:
- begin to lose touch with friends and family as the mask just gets too heavy to wear around them......you begin to drift away. - find that the one happy moment of your day is when a favorite show comes on in the evening to save you. And you'll tremble at those days when "nothing's on". - standing in your no longer shared little bedroom, looking out the window and losing track of time (but don't miss your show because then the whole 24 hour day is ******. - contemplate suicide at SOME level, even if just to give yourself something novel to contemplate - dread the simple act of 'going home' after work. - shy away from having to sit down for dinner with your refuser (kids can help here) - fighting tooth and nail for your place as mother or father with your own children...which is tough going because YOU are in hell and it's hard to push that aside constantly to be bright and sunny...but your partner is just fine, and reaps the benefits of unfettered facetime with the kids, happy and carefree, with all of them wondering what's become of the 'you' and the way 'you' used to be. - go in for a sprain, and - for the first time ever - have a doctor look into your eyes and ask you, 'Is there something else bothering you?' and looking skeptically upon you when you try and smile and say, 'No, why?' - have some of the weirdest dreams you'll ever have - begin to doubt that you ever knew anything at all, and that your own feelings, instincts, reactions, thoughts are all wrong. - lose all interest in your hobbies and interests - lose all hope that the future holds anything that will be remotely fun - no longer wish to travel (and the cooler the destination, the less you want to go) because you're now traveling with someone who doesn't seem to like you all that much, doesn't want you to touch them, and with whom it seems that every bit of communication creates an eye-roll, a mumble, or crystal clear annoyance from them -- but they NEED you to go with them anyway - I mean, come ON, man, you're a couple!! - take the advice to try and do more around the house without having to be told (that's a major bugaboo), but when you take things on you are told or shown how you did them incorrectly. - you will place an object (either artistic or utilitarian) somewhere that you really like, only to find it moved to another place the very next day. - you will think about cheating or open marriages and all of that, but that's just not who you are......or are you..........or aren't you.........and you'll grind away years of your life debating this alone. - you will sift back through your childhood trying to find clues to how this could happen to you. You will also try to divine THEIR childhood to try to find the same clues. You'll come up empty. Or maybe you'll spend several years reading about BPD and narcissistic personality disorder, may Stockholm Syndrome.........surely you must be suffering from SOMEthing......something that can't POSSIBLY be that your spouse has checked out and doesn't love you in that way anymore. - you'll read all the books - all those self-help books that people keep telling you to read. You'll spend countless hours reading articles online, and other message boards...and you'll read all the comments just HOPING that somewhere in all the combined wisdom of every individual, that YOUR golden ticket to rediscovered happiness is in there somewhere (hint: it IS....and it is to leave your marriage and save yourSELF........but you'll likely look past those for awhile - maybe even years and years of sands through the hourglass, thinking they don't know YOUR situation -- and you'll come to the eventual place where you realize they were right and you've just burnt X-number of years of your life figuring that out.
There's SO much more. Each person takes their own meandering path up that mountain. Just don't grind up your life in this shithole meatgrinder called sexless marriage. It's going to eat you alive..........trust me on that.........and get out. Amicably if possible - but just get out.
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