TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 4, 2016 2:37:26 GMT -5
So......after 8 years of white-out SM, and probably the same number of 'technically' sexless before that, along with all the inherent abuses of self-esteem, self-trust, sleep deprivation, weeks' worth of hours spent reading about codependence and trauma bonds and all this shit......seeing my kids drift away as I helplessly foundered in my misery.......I am ready to go.
THIS coming weekend is what I am aiming for. It's the first time I have been able to say to myself something as daring as "this weekend". It would precede a week of spring break where both of us could deal with the shock without having to worry about work. I could move into the place that is waiting for me, start to get my routine down, etc etc etc.
And YET.......despite all I have been through (and I haven't even detailed it in any way NEAR as dark as it got for me)......a little voice in the back of my head is saying, "You won't do it. You'll cave again. You don't have the balls to do it."
WTF, people?? This is MY brain!! How can it be at odds with my deepest desire??!! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHK
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 4, 2016 1:44:41 GMT -5
I do wish you luck, tmd. You are handling this in the best possible manner, imo. I take courage from your story.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 23:59:35 GMT -5
Heck yeah!! Tampa Bay Rays, since their innagural season and lifetime Cubbies fan!! Opening day, baby!! "BeĆsbol be berry berry good to me." ~Chico Escuela I think your Cubbies are going to provide a wealth of excitement for you this year! This could be it!!
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 23:56:02 GMT -5
I also sleep with my little dog!!
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 23:53:34 GMT -5
I read all of your stories and reality sets in.......how long have I lived this and either turned the blind eye OR pretending this wasn't really happening to me at all. How long can one live in a sexless empty marriage. Worst part is leaving it to find happiness seems so wrong when there are kids involved. I don't know what to do....I have no one to really turn to.... You can turn to folks here. Yes, it's tough with kids. Even worse if your husband is a great father and a responsible provider. or........Yes, it's tough with kids. Even worse if YOU are a great father/mother and a responsible provider......and are still not having your needs fulfilled. One ends up feeling rather 'used' after awhile. And everything goes downhill from there.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 19:46:12 GMT -5
Dan, you're allowed to want whatever you want! Is there an invisible parent inside your head, scolding you every time you have fun, or every time you think about what YOU want, versus what other people want? If so, it might be time to tell the parent inside your head to STFU. This is so true. I know I struggle with this. No idea why. I think it's part of the 'pleaser' personality type.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 16:45:15 GMT -5
I enjoy baseball, although I never paid attention to it until I moved into Red Sox territory! Games at Fenway are an experience in themselves, such a lovely old park. I prefer football, both college and NFL. Someday I'd like to see The Green Monstah IRL.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 16:42:46 GMT -5
Oh for sure...i have major issues with carbs, processed or not.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 8:34:52 GMT -5
We need to organize Mask-burning Parties (-: My suicidal thoughts were never more than just wishing I could end the pain somehow. I thought the best way would be to roll my scooter into this little closet space in the garage. The 2-stroke engine would surely spew enough CO2 to do the job. But there's no way I would have ever seriously considered it. But......I do now understand how people can get to that point.
I think a positive self-image (physical and otherwise) is crucial to getting out. And as far as 'working on things'.......if you have tried to talk about it and just gotten gaslighted, twisted, mocked, scorned, and ridiculed........that's the end. There's nowhere to go from there. That's how my last attempt at telling her what was wrong went. It was then that I gave up trying and started to focus on getting 'me' back together again. It takes time, but I'm finally there and I can't wait to breathe in my freedom and rediscover the man that got buried in what was supposed to be 'forever'.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 8:27:10 GMT -5
Yeah, a quick google search reveals that it's the other way around. The visceral comes off first.......the sub-cu is much more stubborn.
"When you reduce calories below what you burn and exercise more, you'll lose that harmful deep-belly fat first. The metabolically active nature of visceral fat, which is what makes it so threatening in terms of your health, also makes it vulnerable to loss. Subcutaneous fat is far more stubborn and harder to lose." (livestrong.com)
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 8:15:06 GMT -5
I have read that visceral is the first to go once you get your HIIT and macros udner firm control. I'll try to find some links
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 5:28:01 GMT -5
It's all true. I pissed away 8 1/2 years of my life waiting for all the promises to be honored, the rain checks to be redeemable, for the good times to start. I got none of these things and then worse. I still get angry remembering the times I broke down crying and he sat a few feet away, busying himself with computer games, not even asking me if I was okay; or the time I needed to go to the hospital and he told me to have the neighbors drive me. The night I had the cardiac arrest and he was furious that I wouldn't wait for him to finish the episode of Game of Thrones to go to the hospital even though I was literally about to die..ten more minutes and it would have been too late. rucca.....are you out of this relationship now? I sure hope so!! That sounds REALLY bad. Glad you're okay and here with us!
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 5:25:20 GMT -5
Since my SM started in earnest 8 years ago, I have definitely noticed a change in my body. Having read articles on what stress does biochemically (very nasty), I am pretty sure I can attribute my body changes directly to the stress I have endured daily for almost a decade. I have remained fit everywhere except across my upper waist, where my body has taken its stress cues and packed in some nice visceral fat - this is the super unhealthy stuff. No amount of weightlifting is going to torch that. I still look decent because of my lifting, but unhealthy? Yep. I am a heart attack risk now due to this visceral fat.
How about you all? Has the stress of your situation changed your body?
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 1:38:17 GMT -5
The Pirates have always been my 'heart' team. From Detroit area as a lad, so the Tigers are up there (but not #1). Mariners because I lived in Seattle for awhile. Dodgers because SoCal is just plain awesome......I actually follow college baseball quite a bit, too.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 2, 2016 22:56:03 GMT -5
Yankees. But more hockey. (Devils) Well, now you've got me seeing David Puddy, in Seinfeld.......... "The Devils! The DEVILS!! AHHHHHHHHH!!"
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