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Post by thebaffledking on Feb 1, 2017 17:46:52 GMT -5
So true. And it took me the longest time to understand that the perpetrator CAN do and say these things without thinking a thing about it. They're not trying to be assholes.....they're just working off their own peculiar wiring. They're being quite 'themselves'.
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Post by thebaffledking on Feb 1, 2017 16:39:49 GMT -5
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 31, 2017 4:46:25 GMT -5
I just can't imagine anything lonelier than being married to someone who doesn't want all of you; who has decided to select from their own personal 'menu' of what they will accept in THEIR marriage. Alienation and thoughts of self-harm/self-checkout have already hit me, personally. Thankfully I have worked my way back to wanting to fully engage with life and love again. But, just from where I sit, in my own situation, I simply cannot imagine anything worse than what I've been through. Having a combination of Hope and Freedom is pretty fucking powerful, and can help one weather anything else that comes your way after the fact.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 30, 2017 8:20:45 GMT -5
Good job, man. There are others here who have very recently accomplished the same monumental task that you have. You're in excellent company here.
I have to ask about your name......'dinnaken' is old Scottish (?) for 'Don't know'. Is their that meaning behind your name? Just curious!
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 28, 2017 18:31:39 GMT -5
..... but we all know unexpressed anger becomes sadness or depression......... It absolutely does. I feel like I'm a posterchild for this process. Feeling like your soul and spirit are in a perpetually operating trash compactor every moment of every day is not fun. And it makes your ability to save yourself even more difficult. Rhapsodee.........don't let it tick down on you......those aren't the ticks of a time-bomb, they are the ticks of your heart. Don't let it happen.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 28, 2017 18:25:15 GMT -5
No. In my particular case it's not just the sex, it's how she has decided to treat me here in midlife that I find unacceptable. I came to a point 4-5 years ago where I woke up and found her physically repulsive -- a primal subconscious survival technique or something -- now it's that I just can't stand being around her for myriad other reasons.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 28, 2017 18:19:13 GMT -5
Oh, that's NOTHING! This is probably TMI, but I don't care. I am what I am. Around that same time, we were traveling back home and were at her mom's. By then, sex had really dwindled while I (and to this very day) could have used love and release a few times a day. So of course this mismatching of libidos while on a lengthy sojourn from home involved me taking care of myself now and then. Well, at her mom's house, I was stuck in this rec room to sleep on the floor and just grabbed a t-shirt in the dark to tidy up. Well, unbeknownst to me, her and her mom planned a wash for the next morning and while I was asleep, my wife came through and gathered up a bunch of my clothes......including the aforementioned t-shirt, which happened to be black. Well, SHE didn't notice what was on it, but her MOM did!!! I awoke to hear her saying something like, "(me) must have a horrible cold all night. He blew his nose all over this shirt. There's massive amounts!" Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................well, I of course played along and said I needed to pick up a box of kleenex because my night time allergies were getting to me. Wife figured out what it was, though. AND ALSO SHARED THIS STORY WITH HER BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm pretty sure HE ended up spilling it to their mom like it's some huge joke (I mean, I see the humor in it, I guess).........I wanted to say to my MIL, "If your daughter wasn't so damn frigid, this would never happen!" So yeah....... "That monkey thing", and "massive amounts" are two phrases that have been bandied about as punchlines for years and years now.................sigh. No my dear, in no way is this ok. This is dehumanizing - how some people think it's okay, AND funny, to treat another human being this way, and someone they supposedly love, is just despicable. It's gross and unacceptable. I'm sorry she did this to you thebaffledking Keep in mind, this is a woman who re-set me and then immediately afterwards told me if I wanted sex going forward I had her permission to seek out a prostitute. I'm just not dealing with a full deck here. I don't know what her problem is........I just know it's not mine anymore.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 28, 2017 5:09:00 GMT -5
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 27, 2017 20:00:03 GMT -5
thebaffledking - that was an egregious violation of trust. And you have my permission to make it clear to her family that she was a frigid bitch. To her, sex and deep physical intimacy have always been 'funny' or 'weird' or 'overrated'.......I mean, she just has NEVER been able to get into it all. To her, sex is a joke. Something in her upbringing and probably her mother's views of intimacy, taught her that. Btw, her dad left her mom when she was in her teens........I wouldn't doubt if it was for the same issues I have faced.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 27, 2017 19:01:49 GMT -5
This will so sound puritanical, but I wanted to sit in a chair and have her straddle me, facing me. She was incredibly reluctant (she has always expressed distaste at anything other than just laying there.....and one of her most telling lines is "Boobs are for babies".) Anyway she did the chair for maybe a minute and then she stopped, didn't like it - probably too intimate for her to deal with. About a week later we were having lunch with her brother at a park and she started joking about "that monkey thing" I "made (her) do." Yeah, HILARIOUS........fun picnic. That was probably 20 years ago.......and to this day when we visit BIL, he is likely to throw out some random joke about 'that monkey thing'. I gave up, too. It's the only way to try and preserve our sanity and start looking around for the fire exits. Holy cow! "Boobs are for babies"?!?! well maybe her "boobs" are. I have Breasts and they are for pleasure. Ridiculing you to her brother is despicable! It shows a total lack of sensitivity. No matter how I feel about my husband I would never ridicule him for his fantasies or desires. I would be thrilled he had some he wanted to do with me! Oh, that's NOTHING! This is probably TMI, but I don't care. I am what I am. Around that same time, we were traveling back home and were at her mom's. By then, sex had really dwindled while I (and to this very day) could have used love and release a few times a day. So of course this mismatching of libidos while on a lengthy sojourn from home involved me taking care of myself now and then. Well, at her mom's house, I was stuck in this rec room to sleep on the floor and just grabbed a t-shirt in the dark to tidy up. Well, unbeknownst to me, her and her mom planned a wash for the next morning and while I was asleep, my wife came through and gathered up a bunch of my clothes......including the aforementioned t-shirt, which happened to be black. Well, SHE didn't notice what was on it, but her MOM did!!! I awoke to hear her saying something like, "(me) must have a horrible cold all night. He blew his nose all over this shirt. There's massive amounts!" Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................well, I of course played along and said I needed to pick up a box of kleenex because my night time allergies were getting to me. Wife figured out what it was, though. AND ALSO SHARED THIS STORY WITH HER BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm pretty sure HE ended up spilling it to their mom like it's some huge joke (I mean, I see the humor in it, I guess).........I wanted to say to my MIL, "If your daughter wasn't so damn frigid, this would never happen!" So yeah....... "That monkey thing", and "massive amounts" are two phrases that have been bandied about as punchlines for years and years now.................sigh.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 15:10:54 GMT -5
This will so sound puritanical, but I wanted to sit in a chair and have her straddle me, facing me. She was incredibly reluctant (she has always expressed distaste at anything other than just laying there.....and one of her most telling lines is "Boobs are for babies".) Anyway she did the chair for maybe a minute and then she stopped, didn't like it - probably too intimate for her to deal with. About a week later we were having lunch with her brother at a park and she started joking about "that monkey thing" I "made (her) do." Yeah, HILARIOUS........fun picnic. That was probably 20 years ago.......and to this day when we visit BIL, he is likely to throw out some random joke about 'that monkey thing'.
I gave up, too. It's the only way to try and preserve our sanity and start looking around for the fire exits.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 14:42:03 GMT -5
"Being pencil thin might make it seem that way, but I assure you, I'm fine."
My wife never went after my manhood, but she had some doozies about my whole body. I'm a big thick guy, not fat........but she once said she was like Carrie, "the hot one" and I was like Doug, "The fat funny one" (King of Queens reference - nice!) She once said, "your body is a wonderland (as in the song)......but not in a good way." She once said, "I just can't be like those wives on The Biggest Loser who seem to love their husbands no matter what"......I guess inferring that I'm morbidly obese? WTF? I'm not FAT, I'm built like a linebacker, WTF WTF WTF!
Of course she's rail thin and likes "runner bodies". PFFT..........
I'm sorry, dtr......they will do anything and say anything to deflect away from themselves and make it all our fault. What he said to you was brutally unnecessary and hurtful...all to protect himself from having to admit what he really is or rather what this is really all about.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 9:21:24 GMT -5
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 8:35:45 GMT -5
It's the hardest thing to do to announce the divorce when you know it's going to hurt someone but you have to put yourself first and your spouse will be sad. However something that I told my spouse because he was so upset and sad that I wanted to end the marriage, I said, "the sadness you have felt for the past 24 hours I have felt for years and in time it will get better". That's beautiful, bb. Thank you.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 8:33:02 GMT -5
For me, it's my instinct to protect and not cause harm -- making The Talk a very hard-won moment to get to. I have to REMIND myself daily of why I feel the way I do -- what she has said and done to me over the last decade or more. I have to REMIND myself that I'm the only one watching out for ME. I have to REMIND myself that MY life is worth fighting for and divorcing for. I have been so emotionally abused and yet I continue to get hung up on, 'man, she's going to be devastated'. 'What about me, me?', I have to ask myself repeatedly. That is my biggest mindfuck. Because inherently you are A) a good person and B) either still have of had love for her once. Hurting someone is never a good persons first choice but in your situation what other choice do you have? It's hurt her or hurt yourself for the rest of your life. Precisely. I hold a LOT of anger over what she has done. But I still remember the person I met at age 19, thirty-six years ago, longer than some mebers here have been alive. And the woman that wanted three kids with me. But that woman no longer exists, and even she has admitted that. She claims to 'hate' how she used to be.......I don't know why. That version was pretty cool. "Everything that is happening at this moment is a result of the choices you've made in the past." — Deepak Chopra
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