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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 21, 2016 3:27:31 GMT -5
And, just because The Tubes are awesome:
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 21, 2016 3:23:12 GMT -5
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 21, 2016 2:56:57 GMT -5
After that subject line, I don't even know what else to say. I love the support here.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 21, 2016 2:48:39 GMT -5
Sure thing -- this is my favorite version -- it's live. It's hard rock, so - for me personally - the combo of the lyric and the music makes me feel strong enough to leap off the cliff and get this shit over with. The net WILL appear, as it always does!
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 21, 2016 1:05:35 GMT -5
Might not be your kind of music, but the lyrics stand regardless.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 19:47:46 GMT -5
Welcome! You'll be pleasantly surprised, perhaps, to find your story is the norm around here.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 18:42:40 GMT -5
eternal, these lyrics (from RUSH) have spoken to me for a long time, like, since high school.......but now they mean more than ever:
Waiting for the winds of change To sweep the clouds away Waiting for the rainbow’s end To cast its gold your way Countless ways You pass the days
Waiting for someone to call And turn your world around Looking for an answer to The question you have found Looking for An open door
You don’t get something for nothing You don’t get freedom for free You won’t get wise With the sleep still in your eyes No matter what your dreams might be
What you own is your own kingdom What you do is your own glory What you love is your own power What you live is your own story In your head is the answer Let it guide you along Let your heart be the anchor And the beat of your own song
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 17:50:51 GMT -5
It's hard to even remember back that far.......first of all, if it wasn't Friday night after her show ended at 10pm, it was off the menu anyway, so that really helped me to stay focused all week......... blech ........
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 9:16:43 GMT -5
Just like many of us crave to know "why", when the "why" doesn't matter - the only things that really matter are actions, results, and their disinterest in a fix. Or the idea that we need to explain our reasoning when splitting. That they need to see the justice in our decision, and own their role in the consequences. The laughable idea that if we list their faults, that they'll see the light, be cooperative, and emerge a better person. No... they will be in shock, angry, vindictive, and nothing you say will be viewed constructively, if it's even heard. RESPONSE: Not sure why this won't let me type outside the quote box!! Yes, I have been down these rabbit holes.......wanting to be validated in some way.......but no, it's never coming and it doesn't matter. It's a stupid 'want' when this far gone.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 9:13:04 GMT -5
What would this ideal moment look like for you? Are you looking for a moment of introspection, or a 'where are we' kind of exchange? Are are you hoping she will do something completely fucking unreasonable so you can blow up and storm out? Or something else? I tried several times over the years to tell her how distraught I was over what was happening....back when I gave a shit. It's been 3 or 4 years since I've known it was over for me, and have spent those years coming back to life (I had been suicidal for a couple of years - never acted upon, but had it planned out). So no -- all I want this to be is me telling her I'm done, and to not let myself be guilted or shamed into saying more than I want to. I owe her nothing anymore. She twisted and defiled and scoffed at everything I ever said to her when trying to tell her how much I was hurting. Screw her. Let's share the pain, shall we? I just want to move on.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 9:07:59 GMT -5
You don't actually "need" an event, or a "moment", or "an optimal time" to drop the bomb. There is no "good time" for this action - it will be as rough as guts on you whenever you do it, however you do it. Might as well be as soon as you have your exit strategy in do-able shape. - If you are going to wait for the planets line up before you drop the bomb, chances are that really, you ain't ready to drop that bomb at all (and there's nothing wrong with that either) - It is always advisable to try and get to the *real* reason one is not prepared to walk away. I think your *real* reason is NOT "a timing issue". It is far more likely to be good old "fear". Fear of the big scene if you drop the bomb. Fear of financial armageddon. Fear of (insert your particular concern here). Yes, baz, fear of the 'big scene' is major -- though I know I have no control over whatever happens with her.......I'm constructing my exit 'speech' right now......very short and to-the-point. I won't allow a scenario where she burns me with her gaslights. A couple of sentences and I'm done for the day. The rest can wait......I just want to let her know the marriage is over, untenable, incompatible, unfulfilling, unhappy, and inadequate (as civilly as I can).
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 3:30:53 GMT -5
Just wrote this to myself......thought I'd bring it here......
IT'S MY LIFE - SO LIVE IT - I'M THE ONE THAT HAS TO DIE AT THE END - WHAT'S MY LEGACY?
Obit: He was a great man........he stayed with a woman who didn't want sex with him, criticized and judged him, but he hung in there like a champ, even though he couldn't stand to be around her. He decided to just go ahead and feel like he deserved it all, and needed a lifelong punishment, like some kind of Franciscan friar, self-flagellating himself to a bloody pulp. His children and grandchilden applaud at his graveside, what a man he was! A giant!! And yet, we're all still trying to figure out exactly WHO he was trying to appease and impress and avoid by sacrificing himself so, but damn, WHAT A MAN!!!!
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 3:16:49 GMT -5
One big realization I've had is that I am giving all my power away.......even down to thinking 'when will it be a good time, for her, to hear that I'm leaving for good', or maybe 'something will happen to do this on its own (aka divine intervention) and I'll be good to go!' It's insanity, I know. I need to give myself permission to be very very selfish, in the most positive way, and shut her out completely. I don't know whose life I think I'm living here, but come on, man! I have read several books on codependence, years ago, and worked through all the exercises ad nauseum. I think I just need to allow myself to enjoy the happiness and freedom for the future I clearly envision, and not feel guilty about it (although I don't really feel guilt......it's more like admitting failure and being okay with that, being teflon to it). Like I need permission to go be happy? Whose? My own? Hers? WTF. I need to stop trying to be so damn perfect and unassailable in all that I do -- it threatens to make me a very lonely and regretful old geezer. This is bullshit.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 19, 2016 18:57:23 GMT -5
There has been some confusion with the few people in my RL that I have shared this crisis with. They tend to think I am still hanging onto some sublimnal hope or something, that's why I have struggled to launch. But I disagree. I think what it is is MY trying to reframe my life after 33 years with this person........it's like being reborn and knowing you're going to have to learn everything all over again......not easy to do, and I guess it comes down to some form of faith.......leap and then net shall appear..........make it an adventure and just GO
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 19, 2016 6:03:16 GMT -5
Over 8 years totally sexless, and about half as many 'technically' sexless.......and in hindsight, the entirety of our relationship has lacked the level of intimacy most happily married couples might be familiar with........lots of planned starfish stuff, and an occasional willingness to get on top or on all fours.....very puritanical. Separate bedrooms for about 10 years (her decision of course) I was told about 9 years ago that I could go outside the marriage if I wanted sex.....the pay-for kind. Never took her up on that. Hung around for the kids to graduate HS......the last one left a year ago.
Like many who find themselves here, it has not just been about sex with us. She started to become very controlling and me-first/me-only/not responsible for your happiness/looking out for Number One kinds of things. She became very judgmental, very critical, cruel......and in my morbid depression, sinking to the bottom like a finned shark, I watched as she usurped our children during this time. It's all very painful, and now I'm ready to leave........I have been to an attorney and know how it will likely shake out and I'm fine with it.
......but......I find now that the kids are gone and it's just us, she has toned herself down a LITTLE bit, because she has no one else around and, therefore, that window of opportunity I look for to 'pull the pin' hasn't presented itself. In case you're wondering, I can't stand to be in the same house as her, can't stand her voice, can't stand the sound of her slippers or socks shuffling over the floor.......there is NO interest on my part whatsoever in trying to salvage anything here. I've got a truly beautiful life waiting for me on the other side.......but I'm going to need to create my own moment, and that's hard. Really hard.
Any similar stories, or advice, for this situation? I am struggling with finding 'the moment', which is weird because all I want is to be OUT.......I guess I have some empathy after all. But it's killing me now.
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