|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 9:19:06 GMT -5
DITTO, brother! You nailed it!
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 9:11:31 GMT -5
Communication breakdown? Yeah, it's always the same. Just don't let her give you a nervous breakdown.............or drive you insane.
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 5:50:16 GMT -5
Oh, here's one, I got a million of 'em!!! We're picnicking with her brother one day about ten years ago. He's a nice guy, I like him. We're visiting and staying at his house that night. He says the kids can all sleep out in the family tent, and we will be in the guest room. She gives me a funny look and says, 'Well, okay, as long as he doesn;t try to make me do that 'monkey' thing...' She was referring to the fact that I'd recently asked her to straddle me as I sat in a chair....it lasted about 20 seconds and she got off saying it was perverted.......but to make a joke out of it in front of her brother? Embarrassed the shit out of me. SHE HAS NEVER LIKED SEX.
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 5:30:53 GMT -5
Thanks, lyn, you're awesome! Here's a recent story of sheer emotional manipulation of the kids. This past summer we were visiting my daughter and her BF (college kids, both). They had a bunch of laundry to do, so we all piled into the car and went to a laundromat. The clothes are loaded and we all sit down at a table to wait it out. The kids have their phones out, I brought my laptop, so we're all kind of talking while we also kill time on our devices. Well, after about five minutes, mom just gets up and walks away. She puts her sunglasses on (inside) and is just standing over by the machines, clearly with her jaw set and pissed/sad. Finally, D gets up and takes the bait.......mom and D end up sitting alone against the far wall, chatting it up while BF and I are looking around like WTF?
That's what she does. If momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy. This is just ONE example of how she has manipulated the kids over the years.......it's a sick dynamic......but they defer to her and they love her. Even today, as a young 20-something, if mom's around and we're visiting family or something, D will stay by mom;s side the entire time and not speak unless spoken to by the relatives. And sometimes mom even answers for her. Now my daughter is a strong young gal, and lived on her own, worked full time and took a full load, far from home.....but when mom is around, she changes and sticks to mom like glue. It's VERY weird.......but I think mom loves it......it's how she set things up to be.
She has also recently started to email both sides of the family with HER news, and signs off just as herself..........I find this VERY odd.........and so does my mom!
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 3:51:33 GMT -5
I can't HEAR you, eternaloptimism! LOUDER!!!
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 3:49:02 GMT -5
Hey thebaffledking - thank you for sharing these snippets from your story. It was heartbreaking to read. I wish I knew your wife IRL as I would dump a pot of coffee over her head. Just a hunch, but, I have a feeling your kids realize how abusive she is - it seems blatantly obvious. I have college-age kids (a son & daughter) - they can be cruel sometimes without really realizing what they're saying/doing. I'm thinking of the twitter situation. Sometimes kids gravitate towards the abusive parent almost subconsciously as that person seems to have all the power so-to-speak. I have a feeling once you're out and living your life they will be able to appreciate what you've gone through - even without all of the sordid details. it could take some time however. As they get older and as your true self is able to emerge without the weight of this abusive monkey on your back, they will see you for the kind and loving dad that you are. lyn, thank you so much for this. It's all I can hope for. I suspect my kids have been lured into her dysfunctional dynamic, subconsciously of course. They adore her.....though they have been around to witness the mistreatment, my feeling is that they have always thought, 'If mom's not happy with him, neither should we be.......just glad he's paying for college and all the bills." I'm an outcast right now, and she wouldn't allow anything more when they're around (I could give dozens of examples of this......I'll give the most recent one in a bit after I get home).......which is why they won't know who I am until I am out, happy, and being properly loved by a good, well-balanced, loving woman.
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 3:39:08 GMT -5
Great song for us at this time of year - one of the best songs ever made to mix relationship dysfunction with an unyieldingly hopeful Christmas spirit. Thank you, Pogues and Kristy (RIP) (and Shane got his teeth fixed!)
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 23:03:07 GMT -5
I hide my sexuality from him. He doesn't know my true identity. He would abuse me more, verbally anyways. I hide the fact that I masterbate because he believes its a sin. I often wonder if my wife notices how many pairs of 'clean-up' white gym socks she's washing each week.
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 23:00:34 GMT -5
On top of years of emotional abuse, no sex and no touching , he is now going on vacation by himself. sarita, are you referring to your husband? Me? I'm kind of obtuse, forgive my confusion..........
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 22:51:14 GMT -5
Thanks so much for sharing that! I wont go into my stories, (because I've shared them here, piece by piece before) but it's great to be able to tell someone ,"I can relate, and I'll raise you one". What's been eye opening is this divorce. She is no longer in control, things aren't all her way, so the "bitch" part emerges. (can't think of a better word right now). What confirms for me ,that I endured emotional abuse, is when people say, "wow, your wife is mean". or, " my divorce didn't come to that, fortunately that didn't happen". Even my attorney first said, "oh every one accuses the other of being a narc". Now she is saying, "I can tell, this is going to be ugly, this is going to be way over-litigated". You probably will start hearing from the kids, from family, and neighbors, " good thing you got out, what took you so long?" It reminds me about submission. How we all submit to one another, all the time, in many aspects of life, but when it comes to husbands and wives there's the curse of desire to control, while having to submit. Something that will never go away. Very proud, and pleased for you! Continue on your journey of gaining ground, and finding your joy. Thank you, gc, 'preciate it.
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 22:49:27 GMT -5
Go after that new life, find your happiness and live the rest of your life in peace. Your wife is a selfish bitch! Enjoy every second of telling her that you are leaving her and if you ever get her in a car again with a cup of coffee you hit those brakes hard. Wish you the best! WOOPS, SO SORRY! I THOUGHT THAT LEAF WAS A KID ON A BICYCLE!
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 22:48:19 GMT -5
lET ME ASK YOU GOOD PEOPLE OF iliasm/...........I know therapists and counselors say that kids should never be told the details of what went down in the marriage. But in my case........fuck.........I am going to be the ruined one the rest of my life if they don't know what happened to me. I want them to know. They NEED to know.........I refuse to sacrifice my dignity and fatherhood for this BITCH any more. Opinions? (again, 'kids' are all young adults now, out of the nest) Just my 2ยข ... They need to know how the long term lack of physical and emotional intimacy took a toll on you, but they don't need all of the details story by story, frame by frame. They need to know that you are leaving or have left the marriage to save yourself and have a better future with them. She is still there Mom and you are still there Dad, and nobody likes hearing anyone talk poorly about their parents. Totally agree -- there are ways (and the right times) to divulge some of the experience, and I can do it in a way that doesn't trash their mother (whom they love). It will all come together in time.
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 21:32:26 GMT -5
Nope, not yet
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 20:50:00 GMT -5
lET ME ASK YOU GOOD PEOPLE OF iliasm/...........I know therapists and counselors say that kids should never be told the details of what went down in the marriage. But in my case........fuck.........I am going to be the ruined one the rest of my life if they don't know what happened to me. I want them to know. They NEED to know.........I refuse to sacrifice my dignity and fatherhood for this BITCH any more. Opinions?
(again, 'kids' are all young adults now, out of the nest)
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 20:37:54 GMT -5
I just realized something..........she has been grooming the kids to see me as an inept 'bad guy' for YEARS........ My kids are all closer to her than to me.......four years ago, I was recovering from a bad bike crash at a friend's house on the other side of the planet........so much pain I couldn't sleep, missed the kids immensely.......I looked at the Twitter accounts of daughter and middle son to see what they're up to with good ol' dad away ........ and came across multiple tweets, from both of them, about how much they hated me, how I was a downer, always grouchy......son, "If there's one thing my dad has taught me, it's to NOT be like him." If I'd had a gun, I would not be here now. It hurt so badly.......but they don't know what's happened to me, they have no idea what their mom has done to me......she destroyed me and took them over completely.
But I vowed that night to make a comeback, no matter what. MY kids HAD to know me as I TRULY am, and that is one major reason I am leaving this shithole. They need to know me again and I need to be there for them.....not as a shadow in the background.......
|
|