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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 24, 2016 23:02:38 GMT -5
Love this chick Jon. Love singing this too. Did you see my post if her doing this live with her little box (🙈)? I'll tag you.... She has a nice little box indeed! Thanks for sharing! Doe, DOH!!!! (-:
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 23, 2016 3:26:08 GMT -5
One thing I have REALLY struggled with is that i have joined my wife in the 'show' -- everything's good, everything's cool -- I go about my business, and haven't made a fuss since about 3 years ago when I brought it up again and she totally gaslighted me by saying the sexlessness was "mutual" - angrily. NO idea where she got that idea.
So for some reason, now that I am ready to leave, I struggle with the fact that I pretended to 'buy in' to this sham of a marriage by just not rocking the boat anymore, being civil, continuing to do what a husband does (except fuck)........
I don't know why this bothers me. It's not like I was going to bring up my pain and anguish and discontentment every day........so I just went on. And I think she thinks I've settled into being okay with things......while the truth is I have checked so far out of this marriage, I can confirm by TOUCH that Pluto is not a planet.
What a mindfuck this whole thing has been.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 23, 2016 3:20:17 GMT -5
Arthur, I hope you come back. You may be feeling like I did, like ten years ago, when I found my first outlet to ask about a sexless marriage. The responses I got terrified me, I wasn't ready to hear them, I felt I had betrayed my sexless marriage by opening up for help.........I read some replies, then deleted my account and a few years (wasted, mind you) went by before I started to believe what I had been told in those first replies. No one's here to judge......only to help. You are in a situation that needs support. I hope you come back.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 22:59:53 GMT -5
Still, don't get sucked into justifying it. You don't need her permission. You're informing her. Not seeking her approval. If she has issues with you then you're doing her a favor. Excellent, thank you
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 22:51:03 GMT -5
Have you ever seen the list of excuses a husband wrote down that he got from his wife and when he gave it to her she complained and posted it on Reddit. This would be a great time to pull out that kind of list. Her excuses ALL had to do with what she decided she didn't like about me (and years of reading and gleaning has shown me that her issues with ME are really issues she has carried with her her entire life).......and when she got tired of trying to defend that stuff, she went for the throat with "If you want sex, you can go pay for it if you want." I guess that was her way of 'working on it'. That was the end. That was 8 years ago. Now I'm working out my statement and my amazing life will resume without her toxicity and complete and total lack of empathy or understanding. See ya!
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 22:35:34 GMT -5
"That's it?! You don't even want to WORK on it?!!" response? I've been working on it for way too long. Nothing changing and now I just want to move on with my life. "Bullshit! You haven't worked on it. How have you worked on it?!" I would say, "In my own heart and mind, for years. After I tried to talk to you about it and got stonewalled, I worked alone."
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 22:28:47 GMT -5
I'm just not happy and I've fallen out of love. I can no longer be committed in a sexless marriage. "That's it?! You don't even want to WORK on it?!!" response?
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 22:11:35 GMT -5
I am down to this last step, and am starting to fine-tune what I want and need to say, without any fluff. I have had a couple of very helpful bits of feedback, but I thought I'd start a thread just for this topic. It will help me for sure, and may help others down the line. What was/would be your exit statement?
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 21:07:01 GMT -5
I my case, my mojo remained bigtime........what i lost was my sense of an independent 'self'. Years and years and years of wondering what you did wrong and how to make it better (when in fact it was all because of HER issues and nothing to do with me), will really mess you up. It seems like it would be easy to undo, but it's hard as fuck. Hardest thing I've ever done. But I am FINALLY finding my way back to the badass I have always been, chipping away at the layers of shit like Rodin on speed.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 20:16:28 GMT -5
When I was a kid, the musky was the Holy Grail of fishing. Of course we were stupid little kids who thought maybe we'd haul a 28" musky out of some little neighborhood frog pond. Never happened, but I still remember the dream!!!
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 11:42:50 GMT -5
Over 8 years totally sexless, and about half as many 'technically' sexless.......and in hindsight, the entirety of our relationship has lacked the level of intimacy most happily married couples might be familiar with........lots of planned starfish stuff, and an occasional willingness to get on top or on all fours.....very puritanical. Separate bedrooms for about 10 years (her decision of course) I was told about 9 years ago that I could go outside the marriage if I wanted sex.....the pay-for kind. Never took her up on that. Hung around for the kids to graduate HS......the last one left a year ago. Like many who find themselves here, it has not just been about sex with us. She started to become very controlling and me-first/me-only/not responsible for your happiness/looking out for Number One kinds of things. She became very judgmental, very critical, cruel......and in my morbid depression, sinking to the bottom like a finned shark, I watched as she usurped our children during this time. It's all very painful, and now I'm ready to leave........I have been to an attorney and know how it will likely shake out and I'm fine with it. ......but......I find now that the kids are gone and it's just us, she has toned herself down a LITTLE bit, because she has no one else around and, therefore, that window of opportunity I look for to 'pull the pin' hasn't presented itself. In case you're wondering, I can't stand to be in the same house as her, can't stand her voice, can't stand the sound of her slippers or socks shuffling over the floor.......there is NO interest on my part whatsoever in trying to salvage anything here. I've got a truly beautiful life waiting for me on the other side.......but I'm going to need to create my own moment, and that's hard. Really hard. Any similar stories, or advice, for this situation? I am struggling with finding 'the moment', which is weird because all I want is to be OUT.......I guess I have some empathy after all. But it's killing me now. This is all so difficult. It will happen when it does. You will know when it's time. Don't pressure yourself to find "the moment" because that will do you no good and cause you more anxiety. My husband and I signed paperwork to mediate. He was dead against divorcing. We both are in our own therapy. I don't know what changed his mind, but it all just happened. He finally agreed to go to divorce mediation and HE even made the first appointment for us. He still says he doesn't want to divorce but I have made it clear to him that he can't do anything to change my mind. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best in your journey! I'm here to support you! ggold, thank you so much for your kind and patient words. I know you are also in the midst of the 'good fight'. WE CAN DO THIS!
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 0:52:16 GMT -5
I was 47 when I found myself three months without. Now I'm 55 and I'm 8 years without. Don't be me. It's shocking how fast the days, months, then years sail by......and the damage to your health and well-being is VERY real, especially the mental stuff. PROCEED WITH CAUTION, and make sure the poppies don't put you to sleep.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 0:15:18 GMT -5
Having gone through this, I agree with the others that suggest you inform her of your decision, which is non-negotiable, and leave it at that. She will never validate your decision, so why go through that pain and suffering. The reminder that she will never validate my decision anyway is a good one right now.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 0:13:24 GMT -5
GG, thanks for the support. I know she will turn all vitriolic on me and try to lure me into 'logic traps' (gaslighting), and so it's very important that I know what I'm going to say AND when I am finished talking. The fact that this became an emotionally abusive and codependent situation necessitates that I say my peace then walk if necessary. It's just too toxic and the tentacles will be lashing out. I also try to visualize it, walk through it in my mind, again and again, and see myself as successful (surviving without denigrating myself or allowing her to spew all over me). Is that a musky? May I suggest that you are worrying to much? Think of the word "concern" over worry. 10% of life is what happens to us, 90% is how we respond. Her vitriolic response is 100% hers, she owns it. Convince yourself you are doing what's best for the both of you. Time to start taking, fight for your joy. "If you don't feel like quitting you can't loose" I have no choice but to agree with you. I am a major over-thinker, and not only that, I am a scenario creator par excellence. My head spins out some wild shit about how it will go, and that stuff then frightens my lizard brain into 'fight or flight' mode (which nowadays just means total avoidance). I am trying really hard to just see the damn light......I am not unique, my situation is not unique, why do I do this to myself? It's ruining my life, for real.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 21, 2016 19:23:39 GMT -5
GG, thanks for the support. I know she will turn all vitriolic on me and try to lure me into 'logic traps' (gaslighting), and so it's very important that I know what I'm going to say AND when I am finished talking. The fact that this became an emotionally abusive and codependent situation necessitates that I say my peace then walk if necessary. It's just too toxic and the tentacles will be lashing out. I also try to visualize it, walk through it in my mind, again and again, and see myself as successful (surviving without denigrating myself or allowing her to spew all over me).
Is that a musky?
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