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Post by beachguy on Oct 10, 2016 10:12:28 GMT -5
beachguy - I think this is the "right" explanation. It took me by surprise a little and I didn't respond by flirting or anything really. I was polite, but not enthusiastic. And so it was a good salvo without much rejection. I think our exchange likely communicated the right messages. It strikes me as "funny" that I have to sit & think it over so, so much. I theorize that others wouldn't spend so much time trying to figure out what certain things mean and that it's a result of my SM. We get so out of touch with "regular" human relations! You just need a little practice. You seemed to have handled it well and you know what you're looking for
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Post by beachguy on Oct 10, 2016 9:20:48 GMT -5
I agree that part of what threw me off was that I expected it to be a "buddy outing" only and maybe he is just gentlemanly and it wasn't much of anything more than being nice. I think I thought I would know ahead of time if I had been invited "on a real date" and... Mostly it is so much more evidence that my social skills still require some polishing. I doubt if folks who have not been in an SM would have to OVER-analyze this quite so much! LOL Or perhaps he was cautiously feeling you out to see if there was something to pursue. People don't usually open themselves up for that kind of vulnerability ?
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Post by beachguy on Oct 10, 2016 8:09:38 GMT -5
That FB thread is why I'd never be stupid enough to marry again ... Although it seemed to be dominated by one asexual bitch with a divorce or cheating husband in her future. She's insisting sex is not a need and she'll keep insisting right into the post divorce poor house
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Post by beachguy on Oct 9, 2016 20:23:28 GMT -5
My list is mostly a subset of yours. Not that it matters. I never figured it out and you probably won't either
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Post by beachguy on Oct 9, 2016 10:41:16 GMT -5
I just don't know. I'm in a stable place but of course many of us hold out early in the relationship that things will get a lot better. Then later we hold out that maybe things will improve somewhat. Finally, if we're still in the relationship, we think, "well, could be worse". I still find my wife attractive and still have the desires for touch, passion, sex that I've always had but my more recent "zen" did have an element of hope that maybe we would reconnect a little with an empty nest. In order to have any intimacy going forward would require a big medical leap and I just don't see her taking it. We discussed it briefly (uncomfortably of course) and she said, "You probably looked this up so what do I do?" I had looked it up but didn't tell her that. That's where the resentment creeps back in. She didn't care enough to even WebMD it...which hurts. That moment when you realize your refuser has been searching desperately, for how many years?, for any and every excuse to avoid any possible intimacy....
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Post by beachguy on Oct 9, 2016 10:07:37 GMT -5
This was on Fakebook today by way of the Guardian. The LW is a young gay man, but I for one think his problem is universal - why is it so hard to find someone you both lust for, and like in non-sexual ways?! Is it the fear of that that keeps so many stuck in relationships where they are not lusted for ?
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Post by beachguy on Oct 9, 2016 9:57:21 GMT -5
Sorry to be a downer, but I still think it sucks that refusers can get away with refusing and suffer no consequences. Until they suffer the ultimate consequence when the refused finally leaves. And by then it is way too late...
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Post by beachguy on Oct 8, 2016 0:42:43 GMT -5
Birthday sex? Could someone explain that to me?
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Post by beachguy on Oct 6, 2016 15:53:15 GMT -5
Mathew is going to strengthen my decision to leave my manipulative controller. Communication and decisions will have to be made. There is a factor of safety involved, but a bigger factor is money, spending, control, and power. Already I am hearing second hand about plans being made to go inland. We live 1/2 a mile from the Atlantic, on an Island. Once the evacuation is in place the bridges are closed. We were here in 03. and left because the children were so young. All our power lines are under ground. Our area sustained power for two other hurricanes. once it was down for about 8 hrs. Never any flooding even with 26" of rain from tropical storm Faye that sat off our coast, it runs into the river, and runs south out into the Atlantic. The worst damage happens to roof tops and pool screens. ( we have no screen and fold in hurricane shutters) with 8 huge oaks around the house, all recently trimmed through the center. Days together in separate hotel rooms, while everyone plays video games. I'd rather stay at the house alone and ride out the storm. Life is full of decisions. If you're on a barrier island in a storm like this, the major danger is storm surge. Predicted to be up to 11'. Do you have a second story? You might need it!
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Post by beachguy on Oct 6, 2016 15:31:12 GMT -5
It is no longer predicted to get to VA (although we will still get lots of wind and rain on Saturday.) Those of you further south - please stay safe! I'd like to say we dodged a bullet but for us the bullet is supposed to turn around in mid-flight!
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Post by beachguy on Oct 6, 2016 15:29:50 GMT -5
I'm going to need patience and all the positive energy possible. I just invited my ex to stay here with the kids and I during the storm. I just felt like it was the right thing to do especially for the kids. They are young and do not need to worry about their father being alone during a storm. I saw that my daughter was a little anxious about the situation. I'm further West from the coast then him so I'm a little safer. I'm sure when this is all said and done I will once again be reminded about what a difficult man he is to be around. Wish me luck! Here's some positive energy! Good luck, I know you'll get through it.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 6, 2016 12:41:47 GMT -5
Very arguably it is "better" to be lost in the fog. Ignorance is bliss, on a relative basis at least. I remember you lifting yourself up above the fog, especially after finding EP. Same thing happened to me. I was miserable for a long time but had never stepped back to see the big picture. I still have trouble contemplating a normal relationship. Nor do I understand my role in it all. Which has increasingly bothered me. I have contemplated my role and take some responsibility for the SM. Yes naivety and ignorance is bliss. I have learned from my mistakes of being too passive and not understanding my own sexuality as well as recognizing the incompatibility. It's still 90% his fault though! Lol Yes bait & switch in an enforced monogamous relationship is just wrong. And while you were young and naive he doesn't have that excuse.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 6, 2016 12:26:08 GMT -5
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Post by beachguy on Oct 6, 2016 11:41:21 GMT -5
And I said the above not to be judgmental in any way. It's a warning to those that think their SM can't get much worse. In many cases it can and will get a whole lot worse. That is very true. I was "happy enough" until year 18 or 19. The last 4 were Hell. Very arguably it is "better" to be lost in the fog. Ignorance is bliss, on a relative basis at least. I remember you lifting yourself up above the fog, especially after finding EP. Same thing happened to me. I was miserable for a long time but had never stepped back to see the big picture. I still have trouble contemplating a normal relationship. Nor do I understand my role in it all. Which has increasingly bothered me.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 6, 2016 9:58:27 GMT -5
It was a more meaningful experience for me. H and I had a huge fight and he was yelling at me for giving our son fish sticks before he played baseball. So I said, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard of!" - which turned into more yelling. After the fact you said that I should have just said "Why?" - to this day still don't know that mystery. That brings our discussion back. Reading the above and remembering our discussions at the time, I can only visualize that plane in that nonrecoverable spin, seconds away from that point of no return where that parachute would be too little too late, with the audio track of a screaming WWII Stuka dive bomber. And there was so much more going on besides fish sticks. It can be argued that your response was abusive. We talk a lot about counter refusal. We don't talk enough about counter-abuse. When it would be difficult for an outsider walking in fresh to separate the abused from the abuser. That's the point where it's difficult to think above the deafening scream of that Stuka. That is where I was when I left and I think you were too. I wasn't very happy with the person I'd become. And I said the above not to be judgmental in any way. It's a warning to those that think their SM can't get much worse. In many cases it can and will get a whole lot worse.
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