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Post by beachguy on Oct 12, 2016 8:29:36 GMT -5
No one has sex anymore? Not according to Kinsey...
You are the author of your posts so you can tag further thoughts here or start anew as you see fit. There is no etiquette for that. Personally I'd rather read one longish thread than numerous short ones but that's just a personal preference.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 12, 2016 8:14:53 GMT -5
I waited over 30 years, until any love I had for my wife was extinguished. I don't recommend my strategy. I'd recommend GrantGeek's advice instead.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 12, 2016 8:08:49 GMT -5
She said "I already told you why". I said "remind me" She said "we can talk about it with the counselor" Me "so you made an appointment" Her "not yet, but I will" Me "no you won't you fucking liar". (That one I kept to myself) After a month or so of delays you can then suggest that you're using her unused slot to get therapy to help you step out of the marriage....
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 22:28:07 GMT -5
Here is my epic tale behind my "baza" handle. - My name is Barry. In my jurisdiction, Barry is inevitably shortened to "Baz", or "Bazza" On EP, Baz was already taken, and the nearest I could get to it was "bazzar". So I used that. Here,"Baz" was insufficient alpha's so I added another "a". Hence "baza" - So, here and now I claim the title of "Most Unimaginative Name In The Group". Any challengers for this highly prestigious title ? Alright. It's been 3 hours and no one bit. So I will. Why not "Bazza"? Lol
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 19:40:22 GMT -5
Hi callisto,
You've gotten some good comments and advice but I wanted to add a few things... first, your H is surely asexual. There's a reason he ripped through numerous GFs and now he is in his 3rd failed marriage. If you go back to his ex's I'm confident you will hear your SM story in a tape loop. There's a reason he never took a physical interest in you, even in the very beginning.
You will never get validation of your sexual needs from an asexual. He is likely to be unable to empathize in any way with your sexual needs. Thus he waived off your need "to get shagged a couple times a week" with a dismissive hand. (a horrible thing to say to you but a typical response from an asexual defending their enforced celibacy on you) If you decide to leave you need to just do it, without any attempt to get validation from him in any way. He just doesn't get it. He likely can't get it. You know the trauma you have suffered in your SM, he will never recognize that.
The idea that he would "shag anything with bells except you" is surely just blowing smoke to protect his male ego. After all, it isn't easy to be a guy that refuses to have sex with his wife. That he had to hurt you so badly to cover his ego is quite telling of his inner self.
Second, your sexual needs ARE NEEDS. You don't say how long you've been in this relationship, only suggesting it has been at least 10 years. I can tell you from experience that it only gets worse when a sexual person lives in enforced celibacy. Whatever your state of mind is now, after say, 15 years or so, you can expect it to get worse, much much worse. I went a little over 30 years before I punched my eject button. The last 10 were the worst, by far, and the damage it did to me may be permanent, especially since I wasted most of my adult life in that mess. Not getting out by year 15 or so was a huge mistake for me. Huge. So if you are making a stay or leave decision now, based on your current state of mind, that may be a huge mistake. And my experience is not unique, there are others here that will tell you the same thing.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 17:59:34 GMT -5
By refusing you your wife took total control of the marriage. The position of the counselor just validates that total control as the focus of the counseling will be devoted to changing you into a better (perfect?) husband. You can accomplish the same thing by staying home and arguing about sex
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 17:30:02 GMT -5
I'm staring out at the beach as I type this. I'm a simple guy
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 16:50:41 GMT -5
So nothing has changed in the marriage counseling world in the past 25 years since I did my stint. I wasn't good enough to fuck and you aren't either. Good luck.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 15:46:06 GMT -5
I found a great sense of freedom once I no longer cared "why." Although, I guess I know why. He developed some health problems and depression. Nothing I did (or didn't do) was enough to convince him to get help and consistently do the things he needed to do, in order to be the man he used to be. And, the last time we Talked About Itâ„¢ he says, "I'm trying as much as I'm going to try." And, "I have other priorities." But somehow, I *still* feel like 1) I was being selfish because he's been sick and depressed; and 2) what if I made a mistake? What if that relationship was the last one I could reasonably expect to have? Was it just time for me to settle down and accept getting old? Was that my fate, and being alone is my punishment for not accepting my fate? No, I don't think you know why he decided to flush his sexuality down the toilet without giving it even a modicum of effort and he made his priorities quite clear to you. If your quotes are accurate he could not have been clearer as to his intent, if not the WHY. He had no right to unilaterally enforce celibacy or his idea of old age on you. And you're not nearly old yet. He had no right to enforce that fate on you, nor should you have any reason to accept it.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 14:50:55 GMT -5
[Insert the usual SK rant about how the frigid bitches take all the good guys out of the dating pool. Include creative profanity and anguished wail: "What's so great about those women? What have they got that I haven't got?!"] They all managed to fuck their way to the alter. One way or the other...
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 11:45:04 GMT -5
Reading the comments, one thing sticks out...
Monogamy is not an entitlement but there seem to be hordes of overly entitled women out there. Monogamy is, in the real world, a privilege to be treasured and nurtured.
There are tons of future divorcees in that thread, pity they won't get it until he walks out.
And for the ladies here, it cuts both ways of course
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 8:16:09 GMT -5
I should add that in my case sex was the initial deal breaking problem. Once the marriage quickly went to shit (perhaps as early as the honeymoon) defining what was The Major Problem was just a head game
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Post by beachguy on Oct 11, 2016 8:13:46 GMT -5
I vote yes- sex was the major problem. The sexlessness caused a downward spiral in our basic relationship. So in my case it is true that everything was decidedly NOT good bar the sex, it was the sexlessness that started the downward spiral and maintained it.
And in my case monthly would not have been nearly enough. It was enough to give me a steady diet of resentment sex. Nothing else. It was probably me that precipitated the celibacy that lasted over 10 years. I stopped asking and she never ever offered until I made it clear I was headed out the door
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Post by beachguy on Oct 10, 2016 15:36:14 GMT -5
I'm not an expert in marriage therapy. I only had one year long failed stint at that. It failed partly because I was not assertive enough as to my misery and bitterness and resentfulness. And partly because we were 7-10 years into our SM and even then I honestly believed it was too late. But kept my counsel on that because I thought it was the adult thing to do or some such nonsense. If I had to do that over again, I would hold nothing back. Nothing. I'd be brutally honest, particularly about what the sexlessness has done to the marriage. In my case the therapists concentrated on fixing me, under the theory I wasn't good enough to fuck. Thus validating all my wife's excuses. Wrong ending. Ouch From what I've seen so far, and from what my wife has said so far, I get the idea that's not going to be the conclusion our counselor reaches. My wife has already admitted that she didn't/ doesn't know how to handle the sheer intensity and depth of the love and devotion I came into the relationship with, because she didn't feel "worthy." And that was the second time the counselor suggested she might want to see a therapist. Where you're different is that your wife admits it's her problem. I never had that luxury, and maybe I had unusually bad counsellors. But the idea that the refused is unworthy of fucking and needs to be fixed is the inevitable end result of the female responsiveness theory that is still quite popular, at least in the popular media
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Post by beachguy on Oct 10, 2016 14:31:38 GMT -5
It's actually on me- mostly. But I'm trying to be the "good" husband and see if this is worth salvaging, because it's what's expected or some shit that keeps me feeling guilty about being so serious about leaving. Even though I feel more and more that it's probably the inevitable end of this story. You do not have to be "the good husband" when there isn't "a good wife" in the pair. Be a good person. That is all. (I think if you can, it's great to phrase the truth w/o sounding bitter then mention: and I work a lot on my bitterness because it's there, but I try not to feed that) I'm not an expert in marriage therapy. I only had one year long failed stint at that. It failed partly because I was not assertive enough as to my misery and bitterness and resentfulness. And partly because we were 7-10 years into our SM and even then I honestly believed it was too late. But kept my counsel on that because I thought it was the adult thing to do or some such nonsense. If I had to do that over again, I would hold nothing back. Nothing. I'd be brutally honest, particularly about what the sexlessness has done to the marriage. In my case the therapists concentrated on fixing me, under the theory I wasn't good enough to fuck. Thus validating all my wife's excuses. Wrong ending.
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