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Post by solodriver on Nov 27, 2016 23:53:03 GMT -5
Wow. About ten years ago when I felt like things were slipping, I did some research online and ordered a little vibrator that I thought might rekindle her interest.....but oh man, when it arrived she heaped shame upon me and that thing was being returned the very next day. I think she was appalled. I felt like shit. I was trying. But in hindsight, it is all crystal clear. I'm so sorry you went through that. If I had done that the very same thing would have happened to me. I can't even discuss sex with her anymore without being shamed for having a sex drive. And back when we first met, we were as passionate lovers as you can imagine.
Damn!
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Post by solodriver on Nov 27, 2016 23:50:15 GMT -5
This strikes me as very odd - my refuser was odd about toys also ... as if they were going to be his competition? It says so much about what he thinks he brings to the relationship. Especially compared to men on this site, who I have had tell me they'd really enjoy a partner who was comfortable using toys (that is: together!). Our refusers killed off their own imagination I think. Male refusers may bluff about how "we're past that sex stuff now". Or some such thing to suggest their wive's needs are inappropriate or unreasonable or whatever. It's a recurring theme here. But in fact, it is simply not possible for any man not to understand he is not being very manly. Any suggestion of sex might trigger that blow to his ego. So it wouldn't surprise me that the men do not want to deal with the idea of female sex toys since those toys are obviously a replacement for what they are unable or unwilling to provide. I can't think of a greater blow to their ego. Don't ask me why he doesn't just fuck you in order to assuage his fragile male ego. I'm a male but I'm no refuser... I don't get it either But what is bad, is a refusing wife who uses a V in secret, but refuses to share that with her husband and allows him to feel those feelings that we have from the rejection of our wife.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 27, 2016 23:01:41 GMT -5
I have hidden the essential core of my being from my STBX. He has hurt me so much with his rejection over the years I won’t let him touch my soul and that's a real shame because I have a whole lot of love to give. Nancyb, there may be someone out there who will appreciate all the love you have to give, and that should give you hope. You know you had no hope staying in your marriage with your refuser.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 26, 2016 15:04:25 GMT -5
As my divorce unfolds I am feeling an incredible burden lifting from my shoulders. I am scared about my future but I know with certitude I will never have something like this happen again. (SM) I have WASTED 14 years of my life hoping and praying that things would change. I even convinced myself that it was 'normal' to lose interest in sex after 40. What a crock of shit. Now I am changing my focus of attention towards myself and trying to determine my own part in this. I chose to stay all that time and honestly if my STBX hadn't asked for divorce first I think I would still be stuck in the ILIASM shithole. It is my opinion that nothing will ever change in a marriage once this dynamic comes into play. Nancyb I was told the same thing by my wife, that losing interest in sex is a part of marriage. When she hit menopause, that was that for her, no more because she had lost her interest and her drive and it would cause her physical pain. But in that, she gave no thought, care or even love enough to realize that it wasn't over for me by a long shot. I've had to suppress my thoughts and drive for the past 16 years. But for me it has just made me depressed, unloved and unwanted. This year, after lurking on the former EP and finally getting the strength to join here, I decided NO MORE! I am not going to be depressed about my sexuality and if something were to happen that allowed me to enjoy it with someone, I will. I'm 57 and I'm not going to feel bad about it anymore. I enjoy feeling this way. It's my wife's loss. I don't even allow her to get me depressed about it anymore. She doesn't want to discuss it and that's now fine with me. Again her problem not mine. I feel like I tried and she doesn't care or love or respect me enough to understand and try to help us.
Like everyone on here has said in one way or another; nothing is going to happen if we allow ourselves to stay where we are and take no action, even if, as in my case for now, it's mental, to move from where we are to where we hope to be.
I know you're a new member and I've been reading your story. I hope you know that we here understand what it's like, whether male or female, to be disrespected by our roommate spouses. We're here for you and we truly care about you.
Also here is a thought. For every person on here who is going through this, there are probably 10 more who are in the ILIASM shithole. Can you imagine what it would be like if we were all in a room or place (like Wingman's Commune) together. I don't think there is a drug on this earth that could make us feel as wonderful as that would be. We would be free to share, cry, hug and whatever else would happen. Remember something....we are and deserve love, attention and affection because we already feel it in our hearts, we just need to find that someone who wants to share that passion with us. I think we are probably the most sexually passionate persons on the planet. And that is truly a loss to our uncaring, unkind, unloving spouse roommates who made a promise to us that they felt the same way, but couldn't stay on the road with us after the many miles we shared. It's like they would look for excuses to try and get out of the car after awhile. And now we have to decide where we're going to dump them off at.
I'm sorry for my rant. It's probably been a long time coming, but I've had some folks on here who have awakened me to what I really want and desire and I want you to know it's nothing to be ashamed of or something to regret. As is also said on here many times, we only have this ONE life and how bad it will be if we don't get to have and do what we so desperately want and desire to do with it. Why should we let someone who basically broke a very solemn promise be allowed to ruin the rest of our life? As I said I'm 57 and I'm not ready, by a long shot, to sit and feel unloved and unwanted the rest of my life. I'm ready for a change, whatever form that may come in.
Hugs and Support! SD
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Post by solodriver on Nov 25, 2016 14:01:04 GMT -5
Hi GGold, I support you and am sending you hugs and best wishes as you go trough this very difficult time. That's what we are here for - to care and support each other.
As hard as it is, also try to think about what your life could/might be like down the road past this time. The thought that you could be with someone who wants to be with you and share those things you so desperately want and need that we don't have or get from our refusing roommates is something we all cherish and hope for, but the only way it could happen is if we move off this place we're at right now. I've at least learned this much from the support and care I have received here.
Sent with Warm Hugs xxxxxxxxxxx SD
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Post by solodriver on Nov 24, 2016 12:35:40 GMT -5
Do you usually get lucky around/or on the holidays? Your yearly sex? No. Holidays and special days don't make any difference to my refuser roommate.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 24, 2016 1:51:28 GMT -5
My ex used to do the opposite. He used to brag to other people sometimes in front of me what a great sex life we have and for years I would just laugh or giggle to not embarrass him. Two years ago I stopped, I was so fed up! We were at Thanksgiving with his family and he was showing his male cousins a picture of him with 15 medals around his neck from baseball tournaments. They asked what he got all the medals for and he said, "Being so good in bed". I couldn't believe my ears and couldn't hold my tongue so with a tone of disgust in my voice I answered back and very sarcastically said, "I don't think so, maybe for snoring in bed". Everyone laughed and that was the last time he pulled that shit. I even talked to him about it on the way home and told him why would he say that if its not true and he knows the no sex bothers me? He said - it was just a joke. It goes to show how ignorant our refusers are about how deep in pain we are. Good for you for calling him on it!
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Post by solodriver on Nov 23, 2016 0:50:17 GMT -5
Menopause, pre and post, did it. 360 degrees
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Post by solodriver on Nov 23, 2016 0:45:22 GMT -5
I don't compare marriages. But....... I wonder if they are having sex. I know if I am wondering about that, they probably aren't. Whenever I'm out and I see couples, I ALWAYS wonder if they're having sex or who is the refuser in that relationship.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 23, 2016 0:28:31 GMT -5
My childhood family thanksgivings were always a huge source of stress. My mom would have all of us doing some part of the cooking and cleaning. She would be in a terrible mood. She punished by assigning more work. WE HATED IT. The food was very good, but we would pick the giblets out of the gravey. Then the terrible cleanup. Southern cornbread dressing sticks to the bottom of the pan like glue. Every pot and pan we owned was used. It didn't get much easier when we got the dishwasher. Now, as an adult I choose to not go through it. We can either go to a restaurant or keep it simple. This year the menu is turkey sandwiches. I got cranberry salad as a side and ordered a pumpkin pie from the bread store. I might even go to the gym for the turkey spin class in the morning. A few years ago my wife and I did the whole Thanksgiving dinner together for just the two of us. It seemed like way too much work for just the two of us.
This year it will be dinner at a restaurant followed by a walk (with or without my roommate) along the beach (weather permitting).
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Post by solodriver on Nov 23, 2016 0:11:25 GMT -5
Caris , well said. I like following your journeys in post SM world. I can see that it isn't all sunshine and roses. I know that the only way I will be free is if some catastrophe happens to force it. If I'm not careful I could be the source of that catastrophic event. I've been feeling the very same way lately.
Marital Weather Forecast: Severe Storm Watch is in effect!
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Post by solodriver on Nov 22, 2016 22:04:50 GMT -5
I knew a man who was married and he's currently separated, but he would go out shopping for Christmas for his wife - buy her jewelry, clothes, and other things. Spend lots of money because he would get his once a year blow job. it was very sad to me. He was active on EP but he abruptly left Spring of 2015 because his wife found the account and read all of his stories. He and I were friends and we recently got back in touch on FB. He is in the process of divorce and looking forward to freedom where blow jobs are free. Blowjobs are free?
Damn!!!!
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Post by solodriver on Nov 22, 2016 1:56:37 GMT -5
My wife had several very sexy nightgowns that were so beautiful. I saw them in a bag in the back of the car about 10 years ago and I asked her what she was doing with them. Her answer:
"I'm probably never going to wear them again, so I'm taking them to Goodwill." I couldn't speak and just went into the spare bedroom and cried.
Now the thought I have is some woman, somewhere, is wearing those sexy nightgowns and making someone very happy.
Why you accepted that and only action you could think of was crying? WHY? And why you still there? Obviously your wife was wearing those sexy things some time for somebody, so she had an idea... No, I actually wished that was the case. I helped her take the bags that had them in it into the Goodwill Donation Drop Off. I was in deep pain while doing it, but it really cemented in my mind that she was serious, that she really had lost interest in sex.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 21, 2016 1:10:57 GMT -5
She has some sexy bed time outfits, but when she puts on the 15 year old flannel pajamas with 20 year old flannel bathrobe. That just screams 'Not Tonight'! (some thread had the flannel motif already, sorry I could not find it) My wife had several very sexy nightgowns that were so beautiful. I saw them in a bag in the back of the car about 10 years ago and I asked her what she was doing with them. Her answer:
"I'm probably never going to wear them again, so I'm taking them to Goodwill." I couldn't speak and just went into the spare bedroom and cried.
Now the thought I have is some woman, somewhere, is wearing those sexy nightgowns and making someone very happy.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 21, 2016 1:03:59 GMT -5
What are you talking about? There is something other than flannel (or some other flugly thing) to wear to bed? Oh yes, those silky expensive sexy little things that I gave her through the years. Probably threw them out. 'Not tonight' is every night, every year...nothing to avoid... My wife once asked me in a nasty tone of voice "How many other wives are wearing sexy things for their husbands?" I calmly responded with "Considering intimate apparel is only a ten billion dollar industry in the USA, clearly not many. Victoria's Secret is doomed." If refuser women ever start becoming a majority they could end up like Sears!
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