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Post by csl on Oct 5, 2016 23:14:24 GMT -5
I know that there is a lot of condemnation for ISIASM sh*tholes, "goodbye and good riddance," but the fact is that these CAN be turned around. I know of three marriages of 25, 26 and 28 years ILIASM that changed because of this tactic, separation. In each of the three, the refuser dictated, and I mean DICTATED, a plan of action that had to be followed, or the ripcord would be irrevocably pulled. In all three cases, refusers gulped hard, but agreed to terms. That said, I also know of a marriage or two in which the Celibate chose celibacy over marriage. But that doesn't negate the fact that ILIASMs can be turned around. Yes, if both partners are totally committed to change. I would be interested to know how long the turnarounds lasted. Did the refuser go back to refusing once the coast was clear? Actually, no. In the case of the wife who was in 28 yrs., she reported that her husband had a Damascus Road type of experience, that he changed their yearly vacation destination so that they could combine it with a men's hormonal facility. Three years after the blow-up, she reported that she had never imagined that her marriage could have been so great. The guy I know of, who I believe I mentioned once before, is the one who gave his wife an ultimatum: change or move out. She threatened divorce, but when he got the classified ads and started looking for an apartment for her, she agreed to his terms of counseling, reading a book by Dr. Laura (of all people!), and frequency of at least once a week. He reported two years afterwards that his wife kept up her part of the 'bargain' and hadn't tried to back off. It's been a while since I read the third person's account (a wife), but I seem to remember that the ultimatum of separation had long-term effect, as well.
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Post by csl on Oct 4, 2016 21:05:44 GMT -5
I know that there is a lot of condemnation for ISIASM sh*tholes, "goodbye and good riddance," but the fact is that these CAN be turned around. I know of three marriages of 25, 26 and 28 years ILIASM that changed because of this tactic, separation. In each of the three, the refuser dictated, and I mean DICTATED, a plan of action that had to be followed, or the ripcord would be irrevocably pulled. In all three cases, refusers gulped hard, but agreed to terms.
That said, I also know of a marriage or two in which the Celibate chose celibacy over marriage. But that doesn't negate the fact that ILIASMs can be turned around.
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Post by csl on Sept 28, 2016 7:17:05 GMT -5
I would love more communication. If we could have an honest talk about what is going on and go from there. For all I know, it is a physical problem that is completely beyond his control. Ok. I can handle that. But the constant rejection with no communication drives me over the edge. When I approach him about it he will flat out say, "I'm done here." and leave the room. Or "here you go again" and leave the house. That's when you change the locks and leave a suitcase on the front step. He gets to come back when he's willing to sit down with a counselor.
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Post by csl on Sept 25, 2016 22:35:04 GMT -5
Same as I don't get the connotations of "your mother wears army boots". Just w.t.f. is that supposed to say or signify? "The saying, "Your mother wears army boots!" was brought home by the Doughboys of WWI. Women known as "camp followers" traded sexual favors for a pair of army boots [and anything else they could get] which they could, in turn, sell or barter to other needy souls; thus Camp Followers made a business out of this. So in the 1920’s if someone said, “Your mother wears army boots!” these were fighting words." By the '40s, this was something of a cartoonish put-down, something Bugs Bunny might say.
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Post by csl on Sept 24, 2016 15:17:30 GMT -5
it is so sad and childish that people believe in any god. When will people give up all this bullshit and accept reality? Yeah, uh huh. Omniscient you are?
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Post by csl on Sept 23, 2016 14:23:58 GMT -5
My STBX told me that I would go to hell if I divorced her. She also told me that she was a child of God & I could not criticize her. Of course, if I did anything she did not like, she told me that God would get me. I am a Christian, and I do love God, but her idea of religion was that she could do whatever she wanted & I should be a Godly husband and accept her regardless. My LYWACLTC series took that crap apart. And don't get me started on "Unconditional love"!
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Post by csl on Sept 23, 2016 14:21:55 GMT -5
My wife has interpreted Matthew 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" to mean that if I look at a woman longer than a quick glance, or look at a photo of a woman less than fully clothed, that I am committing adultery. (in her words, I am twisting the knife in her back) Further, she is extremely suspicious of any conversations I have with other women unless she is present. Woe unto me if she ever finds my writings here ... Based on her understanding of biblical sexual purity, I am a complete pervert. That makes me not want to engage her sexually or talk about sexuality with her if thats the position she is starting from. You can tell your wife that she's completely and totally in the wrong. Check out GH's post on " Lust", from 2012. (For those of you for whom Christianspeak mean nothing, "nothing to see here, move along.")
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Post by csl on Sept 22, 2016 13:44:22 GMT -5
People like him are so blinded by rage they don't think more than one step ahead, and you're right he probably has no idea what he may be doing. These are the type of people for whom this old adage was written: "He'd cut off his nose to spite his face."
They are pathetic.
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Post by csl on Sept 19, 2016 17:16:10 GMT -5
lol. he would just tell me to figure it out. Correct answer - "Then leave us alone, as it doesn't bother me. If it bothers you, then do something about it. Otherwise, just hush."
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Post by csl on Sept 14, 2016 11:13:08 GMT -5
Apparently every other aspect of my being is of no consequence for my husband. Almost all of the posts indicate that they can think of nothing else but the lack of sex in their relationships. The only time I think about it is when I'm thinking WHY am I NOT thinking about it? I do a blog for refused husbands, and last year I did a post with this report card. For some reason, many if not most women (who supposedly are like spaghetti with everything touching everything) are able to compartmentalize sex ("Its' just sex!") But for men, that is the one thing that we CAN'T compartmentalize. That's just biology. So, I hope this helps illustrate why it's important to the refused.
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Post by csl on Sept 12, 2016 11:19:20 GMT -5
The argument some make about doing something sexual to /with their partner to please them and out of love is difficult for me to buy into. Mountainrunner gives college bf oral sex even though it caused her pain because she knew he loved it. I'm sure the bigger truth is she does it for him because she knows it (sex) will be reciprocated at some point and then she will be pleasured. Obviously I know none of the members in this forum, but I would bet heavily that very few would enjoy pleasuring their partner in some way 1-3-5-7 times a week, all the while feeling nothing except guilt and -- well, nothing. I KNOW what it feels like. I did it for a year. That advice holds no water with me, especially coming from persons who have never felt it. Yes, I get it. So happy for you. Yes, I used to give my husband oral sex even though I didn't particularly care for it, but I'd do it, because I knew that it made him horny, and I knew that after 5 or so minutes I too would be feeling some pleasured. There is not one male in this forum who would agree to perform oral sex on their partner every morning for the rest of his life, feeling nothing, with the knowledge that they weren't going to have the same pleasure at some point. For women, sexual feelings start in the mind. Their has to be SOMETHING that instigates their bodies to be physically prepared for sex. Of course I could lay there and it would be possible for my husband to insert his penis, even without me being one bit willing, or open my mouth or cup my hand around him. Of course. I know I could. Because I did it for a year. And as horrible as I felt, how inadequate I felt then, I feel a thousand times worse now. If my husband decides to divorce me, I'd be devastated. But from reading the posts from all the "victims" of the "refusers" it's probably likely. What makes me sad is the thought that someone would leave a 30-year relationship, a family, a history, after 30 years of sex (not even taking into account the 15 years of sex he had before he married me. I understand sex is important; is it that important that you'd be willing to give up EVERYTHING else in your life? I don't know. And being assigned the identifier of "refuser" is super awesome, by the way. "Guilt"? I realize that you had been speaking of your physical challenges, but you throw this in - "feeling nothing but guilt." Something tells me that you haven't been entirely forthcoming in your narrative. And, yes, sex IS a reason to leave. Funny thing is that in the Ketubah, the "Jewish Marriage Licence", connubial rights are guaranteed. Been that way for over two thousand years.
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Post by csl on Sept 8, 2016 21:46:31 GMT -5
For the sake of clarity, when you say "nothing", are you saying that you have no inclinations or no ability? As in, "My body, my clitoris, is no longer capable of feeling stimulated." Or "nothing turns me on"?
all too often terms are used but not explained sufficiently.
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Post by csl on Sept 5, 2016 22:02:58 GMT -5
I am forced to put on a smile as the W will not tolerate ME being unhappy....that's her domain...asong as I bring home the goods... My anger, bitterness, and despair come out on these boards... "won't tolerate you being unhappy"? What is it, 'whining will continue until you are happy'? If you're unhappy, don't let her hide you behind a facade. As the old saying goes, 'tell the truth and shame the devil.'
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Post by csl on Sept 5, 2016 21:39:31 GMT -5
Does anyone else find this line illuminating:
"Once again, the wife said that she didn't feel like she had any "power" in the current relationship, ..."
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Post by csl on Sept 3, 2016 13:26:02 GMT -5
Thank you for your condolences. The 30 seconds remark was not mean. It is par for the course. Like "wine?" or "where's my wine?" she expects me to anticipate her needs. That was easy to do early in our relationship (when you felt that you both would do anything to please each other), but when you are just taken for granted.......... isn't it ironic that it is always women that are taken for granted by men, and I am complaining about the reverse now! Also, great idea about the head. but it is never going to happen! Okay, I agree that nothing is said about it during the immediate future, while she is dealing with her loss. But, soon? You take Princess down from her pedestal and blow up the friggin' pedestal! One writer I read said that she was talking to a woman who was standing adamant for not "serving" her husband: "I didn't get married so I could wait on some man hand and foot!" In further conversation, the author learned that, basically, the woman got married so some man could wait on her hand and foot! One man I know realized, after 14 years of marriage, that his wife expected him to jump whenever she wanted something. "Wine?" "Yeah, it's in the kitchen. Help yourself." "Coffee?" "Sure, I left some. Help yourself."
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