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Post by csl on Oct 19, 2021 7:26:21 GMT -5
njsojourner I have always wanted to know a similar thing.. what a refuser is actually thinking. Obviously I don’t know either and I think that even the first hand accounts of a refuser would i think likely be muddled and confused. The most obvious thing to me would be that a refuser just doesn’t like sex very much. I can bet that is by far the most common reason. I think there are less frequent times when a refuser has other reasons but I think these reasons don’t apply to a majority but do maybe serve as a fake shield or excuse more often. Chris Taylor, at Forgiven Wife, is a former refuser, and her blog tells of her transformation. She and I did a series of posts on my blog that we called A Wife's Heart Colloquy that generated a lot of dialog. Reading that series might give insight into the mind of some refusing wives; here is the link to the first in the series: curmudgeonlylibrarian.wordpress.com/2015/07/08/a-wifes-heart/
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Post by csl on Oct 8, 2021 7:30:20 GMT -5
I had some luck searching reddit's dead bedroom forums. Just one example: www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/8w7akb/how_i_we_fixed_my_dead_bedroom/
I laid it out for her. We will agree that our marriage requires intimacy and sex, and we will COMMIT to scheduling it. That requires being intimate a certain number of times per week. We settled on two times per week (but start with whatever works best for you).
I MUST initiate once on either Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday. She MUST initiate once on either Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. When the other partner initiates, there is NO REJECTION. You must initiate during your days. Saturday is a "bonus" day, and if both of us are up for it we do it.
Her affection (touch, kissing, etc) has come back in a big way...and this is important for me as it is my #1 love language. She admitted (after starting this) that she would hold back affection because every time she touched me or kissed me (real kiss) I would try to turn that into sex. But now that it is off of the table (either being her days or I've already initiated on my days), she knows it won't turn into my trying to have sex.
Sounds like someone was accessing the Di Lorenzos over at One Extraordinary Marriage. The 2x a week initiation, one from each spouse, was the key for turning the Di Lorenzo marriage around, and Wife and I used it, back in 2011 to restart our bed. The early series "The Why and How of our Now" on my blog explains how that worked for us. csl
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Post by csl on Oct 7, 2021 7:01:28 GMT -5
"I Live In A Sexless Marriage" = name of the group.
In your post, I didn't read how long it has been since you have had sex, that your marriage has been sexless.
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Post by csl on Oct 4, 2021 21:23:57 GMT -5
Wow…I just read most of your replies…..and…just….wow. I’m not pressuring her to tell me…I just bring it up a couple times a year because what KIND of man would I be if I said nothing and pretended it wasn’t a problem? I OWE it to us to bring it up. But you don’t. And when she asked you if you were upset, you said “No.”I’m not looking for an “exit” and vows / oaths for marriage DO mean that there will be celibacy IF one of the marriage partners has an issue like this. Actually, in the time of Jesus, sexual avoidance was an acceptable reason for divorce. In fact, the term mored/moredet referred to a sexual refusing spouse.What the hell is the point of making such a vow if one has no intention of keeping it? You might ask your wife that, as she made a vow to you.My view is the same as that expressed in the scriptures (not Bible thumping here - just for reference)…that God hates a divorce and that defiling the marriage bed IS the exception to the rule. Sorry, but that is not the case. Go to Bible Hub and check out Mal. 2:16 in newer translation. For example, here’s the NIV: “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty.David Instone-Brewer, pastor and Hebrew scholar, points out that it isn’t God who hates divorce in the verse, but the man who hates his wife. His two books Divorce and Remarriage In The Bible and Divorce and Remarriage In The Church are masterful studies of the topic. I know there are many situations (abusive partners, etc.) that require separation to preserve health and life….but scripturally one is not free to remarry except for if the other commits adultery. I’m not pushing these scriptural requirements on anyone ELSE…just helping you understand where WE both come from. And you are wrong. Actually, Jesus was only asked about one of the four acceptable reasons for divorce. We simply assume that he only okayed one reason, but like the rabbis and sages of his day, he accepted that there were four acceptable reasons for divorce. Remember, covenant breakers break covenants, including those who refuse sex in the covenant of marriage.
Above mirrororchid referred you to my blog. Yeah, do it.And if one does read the Bible and puts ANY value in it as being God’s word - Like me?Maybe someone who has things to say her to help will know me a little better now. I am with my wife unless she screws up to put it bluntly. She’s my girl. Your choice. It is also your choice to die upon a celibate’s cross. But I would ask you to lift up your eyes from narrow dogma and cant and see if there are things that you can do other than burn.
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Post by csl on Aug 29, 2021 16:31:34 GMT -5
My question for you is ... Can you add 1 line to this equation to make it work? 5+5+5= 550 5+5+5≠550
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Post by csl on Jun 27, 2021 12:05:44 GMT -5
Compromise; In leu of Eucharist Priest to offer Biden delicious vanilla wafer View AttachmentI see someone else reads the Babylon Bee.
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Post by csl on May 26, 2021 17:54:24 GMT -5
Cracker Jack enters the realm of poitical correctness. Which one might become a collectors item...the old box or the politically correct View Attachmentnew one? Hmmm…. now I wonder just what it is that my parrot really wants…
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Post by csl on Apr 22, 2021 7:33:50 GMT -5
I just want to feel wanted and desired. She’s told me in the past she only gets turned on after we start, even though I feel like I’m having to jackhammer in at first because she doesn’t get aroused very easily. She’s told me women don’t have the wonton desire like men do. I call BS. "I just want..." As the old saying goes, spit in one hand, wish in the other--see which one gets filled first. As to WTF moments, I had one reading this last paragraph. The "C" in CSL stands for Curmudgeon, and I am restraining myself from using my stock of curmudgeonly epithets at this paragraph. BS on women not having [wanton] desire like men?--You got some reading to do. Google the phrase "responsive desire". To make it easy for you, read this Forgiven Wife article Love Like A Woman: Should Your Sexual Response Be Like Your Husband's: forgivenwife.com/love-like-a-woman-should-your-sexual-response-be-like-your-husbands/And lest you think that FW's article is just cover for refusing wives, she cites studies from Psychology Today and the Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynecology. (fwiw, FW Chris, btw, does a good job in this article, and I know of several other bloggers who address this topic tactfully. Curmudgeonly me, otoh--not so tactful. In my post "It's Not About You Dude!" I intemperately wrote "So, guys, you need to realize that just because you can have sex with a greased knothole, that doesn’t mean your wife can get turned on at the drop of your drawers.") It comes down to this: in this specific matter of responsive desire, she's right and you're wrong. Now, as to it possibly being an excuse... that's beyond the scope of what you presented. You, otoh, have some reading to do, as responsive desire is real.
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Post by csl on Mar 28, 2021 22:57:45 GMT -5
I can totally relate. I finally had enough and when my spouse asked me last night "Do you want to do it?" I actually turned her down. Well, it wasn't direct but I asked her if she was doing it because she felt it was something I wanted, or did she really want to as well. That turned into an argument with her reply telling me that it doesn't matter; as the wife it is her responsibility to take care of my need. I tried telling her that it really hurts me that she doesn't desire me or get turned on and want to have sex with me and she tried telling me that for women it doesn't work that way. I had told her that from what I had read online, women can and do get turned on at the thought of sex with their husband and do have that desire. She thinks I'm being whiney when I tell her I don't feel attractive anymore and I don't feel like much of a man in that department. She said she still found me attractive and hot. I told her that I've noticed my drive has been slowing down since I entered my 40s and that honestly if it would save constantly arguing about it and save this uncomfortable cloud over our marriage, we can simply just forgo sex from now on. She was all too eager to agree to that. Since it ended in an argument she said she was no longer interested and turned over to go to sleep. Even if we had, it would have been the same starfish sex we always have. No other positions, no oral either direction, no foreplay, no touching me at all. I am quite tired of that as it is. I don't think I was wrong in turning her down. I certainly don't initiate anymore and honestly I am at the point where I cringe when we are getting ready for bed and waiting to see if she asks. On the other hand, when I do think about sex I still get aroused, and when I look at porn I still get turned on. I just don't get turned on by her anymore. “Responsive arousal”—it’s a thing, so she’s not wrong, coming out of the gate. swell.damewellness.co/spontaneous-versus-responsive-desire-blex/ChrisTaylor, over at Forgiven Wife, did a post for wives a few years ago and talked about how many (most?) women don’t have slavering sex drives, but can get aroused after getting started. That said, starfish sex is not the same thing. It might behoove you to be upfront about not wanting a starfish for a sex partner, but acknowledge that if your masculinity hangs on her level of slavering, then you are open to a better understanding of her sexuality. As Chris Taylor likes to point out, why does her sexuality need to be a mirror of yours?
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Post by csl on Mar 3, 2021 7:40:29 GMT -5
Just my curmudgeonliness talking, but my immediate response was "I have an intermediary, too. Your dad can talk to my lawyer. When you want to talk to me, and not your dad, I'm here."
But,then again, that's just my inner coot rising up...
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Post by csl on Feb 16, 2021 17:57:52 GMT -5
Not sure if this was the headline in a local small town news paper, View Attachmentbut it sounds right... Looks like the Raleigh, NC, paper
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Post by csl on Feb 3, 2021 22:02:48 GMT -5
Have not had intercorae in two years. Wife says sje is working towards making it happen. Not sure how I will react or respond if the day ever comes. I want it but not really sure since it has been so long. My question when I hear something like this is “What, exactly, is she doing to work toward this? Just what is the hindrance that needs to be dealt with?”
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Post by csl on Dec 4, 2020 12:30:17 GMT -5
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Post by csl on Dec 4, 2020 11:27:31 GMT -5
Thank you Jerri, the 'present on the pillow' thing is another idea to put into the armoury! Basically, are we looking at the Forty Beads method, or a variation thereof?
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Post by csl on Dec 1, 2020 11:36:48 GMT -5
As to Solitaire, it might help the game along if you two can agree that you have the right to first refusal. If you aren’t up for a game, then Solitaire is playable. Otherwise, it’s a two-handed. (My only proviso would be that the game doesn’t turn on him down the road.)
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