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Post by csl on Jan 28, 2024 8:10:01 GMT -5
i think it depends on the group but i know women who say nope that is all over to one audience and no we are still active to others,,,,lmao if she bought into all the sisters are doing this..... in my experience women are known for just agreeing in a circle of friends even if they are lying. On the male side no one would ever admit they are refusers..... my spouse if the subject came up would say "yeah me and the wife are going at it all the time " what a joke. Next time that happens, double-up with laughter, accompanying this with thigh-slapping and tears of mirth. That should cure that quickly enough.
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Post by csl on Jan 28, 2024 8:05:50 GMT -5
I believe some Women do withhold, and support each other in this effort. However, I do not believe withholding men do the same. I know my wife has mentioned that when we're with other couples she's jealous of the easy banter and interactions of the other couples. In those situations she goes out her way to hold my hand or hug me in front of the other couple. So she absolutely wants everyone else to think things are perfect. For me I've only talked about this with my sister. My sister is absolutely understanding and has told me the whole family would be understanding and support whatever choice I make. As for when I'm out with with friends or work, I don't talk about my home life at all. so.... she gets to keep and maintain her vanity facade, the Perfect Marriage?
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Post by csl on Jan 28, 2024 8:02:36 GMT -5
Damn, that felt good to write down. hhmmmm....The 1st response that comes to mind is "what is the definition of insanity"? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Otherwise known as "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."
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Post by csl on Jan 22, 2024 12:57:53 GMT -5
On October 16, you wrote: “ “So wife finally said to me today that as far as physical contact goes, she'd be willing to massage me. But she's planning this in a week from now when she gets back from a business trip. That's it, that's what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life until she gets bored of that too. After telling her how much it hurts that we don't have sex I get to look forward to what will likely be a once a month massage.”
This isn't enough, this isn't what a marriage is supposed to be. Fml.”
It might be in it interesting intellectual exercise to have your counselor parse the difference between these incidents to see if any progress has been made. Or not.
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Post by csl on Jan 11, 2024 8:01:28 GMT -5
17. Schedule sex. I don’t know how many times after an argument about this how often she suggests we schedule it. It lasts maybe a week at best. She even put it on our shared calendar and I just deleted it because I don’t need the constant reminder of how little she cares about it. Scheduling sex restarted our sex life. Jes' sayin'...
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Post by csl on Jan 11, 2024 7:55:18 GMT -5
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Post by csl on Jan 11, 2024 7:47:49 GMT -5
"She's noticed that I'bve been withdrawn..." -- "Well, what makes you think I will be any less withdrawn after tonight?" "I'm putting all the blame on her," and "once again I'm the bad guy." -- "So, instead of you being the bad guy, I'm the bad guy, for wanting a normal marriage?" "... that really hurt me." -- "And a sexless marriage doesn't hurt me?" She equates my need for sex as seeing her as nothing more then an object to be used. And her wanting you to be less withdrawn is using you to prop up her emotional needs. She has distanced you with her need for No Sex; if being withdrawn helps you, then she's got no call to make demands of you to support her serenity.
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Post by csl on Jan 10, 2024 7:58:29 GMT -5
Little update. Today more talking happened, and I wasn't prepared. She's noticed that I've been withdrawn and asked what's wrong. I told her I'm depressed and I told her what's wrong. She lashed out and said I'm putting all the blame on her. I talked about trying to cuddle in bed and how she pushes me away, she backed that up saying when its bed time she needs to sleep and I'm too hot. I told her that the occasional kiss she give me now isn't enough and she responded telling me that really hurt her. She thinks I need to change and it can't be all about her changing. More conversations to happen, but right now she's walked away to cool down. This is not going to be a good night. "She's noticed that I'bve been withdrawn..." -- "Well, what makes you think I will be any less withdrawn after tonight?" "I'm putting all the blame on her," and "once again I'm the bad guy." -- "So, instead of you being the bad guy, I'm the bad guy, for wanting a normal marriage?" "... that really hurt me." -- "And a sexless marriage doesn't hurt me?"
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Post by csl on Dec 20, 2023 8:55:38 GMT -5
Amazing how "awake" she'll be with the first 15 minutes of hearing from your divorce attorney. In all fairness, she has no motivation for this. Everything is fine for her, I'm the one that feels like an important part of being married is missing. There really isn't anything for her to gain by going to these. I was already pretty sure that this would just be closure on my side. I guess the divorce will be closure enough. Well, this is the crux of the matter, isn't it? As long as her applecart stays upright, she's fine with everything. And as long as you pretend that having your applecart overturned is okay, she's okay with that, too. And in reality, it is acceptable to you, too. As I used to say on my blog, as long as the situation is tolerable, you will tolerate it. It is only when it becomes intolerable that you will do something that upsets both applecarts that she will have to deal with it.
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Post by csl on Nov 22, 2023 8:32:12 GMT -5
In 2005, Wife and I started attending a local Methodist church, and even though I had been a Christian for nearly 40 years, I learned a new idea about approaching my faith: Intentionality. All too often, Christians and husbands will say to themselves, "Let's do what comes natural," forgetting that whatever we want, we intentionally work towards. A "Let's see what shakes out" mindset isn't working towards getting better. With that in mind, let me suggest that you read a blog post of mine that discusses a tool for working towards intentionality in a sex life without being pushy. Wife and I used it back in 2011 and it helped to revitalize ..... ahem. Here is the link to my article, and it includes a link to a podcast by the couple that created the method: curmudgeonlylibrarian.wordpress.com/2015/05/28/refused-a-new-tool-to-help-part-2/Thanks CSL, just to be 100% open, I do not feel comfortable framing my journey through a religious lens...but thanks for thinking of me! Help me out... How is using a calendar to help a husband and wife schedule intimacy "religious"? I can't find this strategy in the edicts, bulls and writings of the Church Fathers.
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Post by csl on Nov 21, 2023 8:27:11 GMT -5
Shit I hope she is not just appeasing like you say ToughTiger I just have historic vibes... in classic man style, when she used to ask if I was ok, I used to say, yes, fine, turns out she knew I was frustrated but never said anything/did anything.... so somehow you kind of get the feeling that my happiness is def second to holidays, nice gifts, jewellery, nights out, meals out, clothes etc etc. need I go on..... So we will see from actual behaviour..... and I let her off for the historic stuff, as I never said "I am not fine we don't fuck enough..." it was all subtext.... so lets see now... I am clear on what I wantt, not just saying it but actually planning for it, she either wants to join me which would be fab, because I love her, or she breaks my heart, but is done.... today........one of my offices is in a bit in the garage, I have been whatsapping her all day telling her she looks nice and other more provocative stuff, which she responded positively to... and I asked her to come out here and said "you look hot, I want you, put a skirt or dress on, suspenders, no knickers, if you dare, and come out to me, use the garage door, close it from the inside, I cleared the way, I'll meet you in the front bit of my office, I want to squeeze you and kiss you, I want you really badly …." - she came out, but not dressed as I had asked and we snogged a bit but no more.... I am just going to keep asking and being a bit more dominant, and if it turns out its all reset stuff then early next year (Feb 28th to be exact as she asked for more time) I am done and we are ended... onward..... In 2005, Wife and I started attending a local Methodist church, and even though I had been a Christian for nearly 40 years, I learned a new idea about approaching my faith: Intentionality. All too often, Christians and husbands will say to themselves, "Let's do what comes natural," forgetting that whatever we want, we intentionally work towards. A "Let's see what shakes out" mindset isn't working towards getting better. With that in mind, let me suggest that you read a blog post of mine that discusses a tool for working towards intentionality in a sex life without being pushy. Wife and I used it back in 2011 and it helped to revitalize ..... ahem. Here is the link to my article, and it includes a link to a podcast by the couple that created the method: curmudgeonlylibrarian.wordpress.com/2015/05/28/refused-a-new-tool-to-help-part-2/
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Post by csl on Nov 13, 2023 7:49:13 GMT -5
I wouldn't let my roommate treat me like that, and you shouldn't either. I know, easy to say, harder to do, but you might want to start setting some boundaries. I'm big on boundaries. Boundaries are good. I agree but now is not the time Just for curiosity's sake, do you have criteria for determining when it is time?
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Post by csl on Nov 1, 2023 7:38:47 GMT -5
My wife has commented a few times that when we're out with other couples they seem closer and more in sync with each other then we are. In these public settings she'll often mirror what the other wife is doing ie..holding my hand or hugging me. This is stuff that doesn't happen at home so it feels very awkward for me. That being said we've had conversations about trying to be closer and her ideas included watching TV together and date nights. Problem for me is that the only shows she really watches are true crime shows that I can't stand although I did sit there with her. We did this for a couple of weeks. But I feel like we really have nothing in common and nothing to talk about beyond superficial things about work or the kids. Date nights have also dropped off now, she's always busy so I just do my own thing. I just don't know how to bridge this gap. There is another problem in her suggustions, and that is that they are just for her. She feels a lack of closeness, and so wants to have her version of closeness. She wants to have date nights, but her date nights. I have said that on my blog, "It's not your marriage, it's not her marriage; it's y'all's marriage." As long has she thinks in terms of "It's my marriage", it's y'all's problem.
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Post by csl on Oct 18, 2023 7:03:47 GMT -5
This is what I was alluding to but didn’t want to come out and say it. I’ve read about this behavior where the one spouse will do an about face and initiate intimacy more because of outside influences. I sure hope that’s not the case here. The man is getting laid and all anyone thinks to do is make him paranoid. Enjoy the ride, Musack. Figure stuff out later. Unless you're not averse to divorce and live in Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota or Utah. Then maybe collect the goods, and keep that powder dry. Amen! Like I told shynjguy a couple years ago. we are told that it takes 90 days (or is it 45?) for an action to become a habit, so give her the 90 days. Those of you who were here remember that his wife DID do a complete turnaround
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Post by csl on Oct 16, 2023 7:43:25 GMT -5
So wife finally said to me today that as far as physical contact goes, she'd be willing to massage me. But she's planning this in a week from now when she gets back from a business trip. That's it, that's what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life until she gets bored of that too. After telling her how much it hurts that we don't have sex I get to look forward to what will likely be a once a month massage. This isn't enough, this isn't what a marriage is supposed to be. Fml. She laid her cards on the table, apparently unequivocally. Now it's your choice as to how you want to play this hand.
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