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Post by 2019change on Aug 12, 2019 9:25:50 GMT -5
As I read the many posts here there seem to be an issue that appears to get avoided a lot. Everyone talks about their partners lack of interest in sex generally, asexual, etc but it seem that it's just as plausible they have a healthy sex drive, maybe cheating, taking care of themselves and just don't want sex with you. I know the it's so much easier to accept that they have a low/no libido as the other possibility would be soul destroying.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 12, 2019 9:53:44 GMT -5
Baza posts regularly that is all about them not wanting to have sex with you, what difference does it make if they have sex with someone else.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 12, 2019 10:32:59 GMT -5
I actually think it is a pretty common trope here. Northstarmom will often truth bomb us with how our refusers do not want to fuck us specifically. You are right it is harder to take. Some people are truly porn addicts which is not asexual. My h is very clearly a sexual anorexic that would rather masturbate daily than be with a willing woman he claims to love.
Does it matter? In the end the why chasing will not get you anywhere but spinning in a tail chasing circle. It would help my self esteem to believe it is not me specifically but really, there is no path forward that does not involve me needing to heal and rebuild for myself. Ultimately we have all been rejected by the person we are most vulnerable to. That is the truth. The whys do not change it.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2019 10:45:51 GMT -5
It is easier to believe the "they're just asexual" trope initially although I don't have any particular angst if it turned out that her sexuality awakened with someone else post-relationship. I can own my part in it and be OK. In the same way that I no longer believe my sexuality to be her concern, I have to believe hers is none of mine. The whys do not matter for me either.
However, if I found that she was having an affair. Marriage over immediately. That would make me feel used and manipulated because I've been honest about accepting no sex life. If she suddenly had a sex life while I was holding up my end of the trunk, it would be time to drop the trunk.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 12, 2019 10:50:05 GMT -5
I actually think it is a pretty common trope here. Northstarmom will often truth bomb us with how our refusers do not want to fuck us specifically. You are right it is harder to take. Some people are truly porn addicts which is not asexual. My h is very clearly a sexual anorexic that would rather masturbate daily than be with a willing woman he claims to love. Does it matter? In the end the why chasing will not get you anywhere but spinning in a tail chasing circle. It would help my self esteem to believe it is not me specifically but really, there is no path forward that does not involve me needing to heal and rebuild for myself. Ultimately we have all been rejected by the person we are most vulnerable to. That is the truth. The whys do not change it. You are spot on workingonit. My husband used to masturbate once or twice daily- to porn. It hurt me deeply until one day it broke me. I’m healing and rebuilding now. Today, I know that the only way is forward and away from him. Does this mean he doesn’t love me? No- I know he does. But it’s not the type of love that makes me happy. I need so much more than that.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 12, 2019 11:58:52 GMT -5
”What if...”
W might have a sex drive. She might be a minx in bed with a different guy. I’d wish that for her, because she’s missing a great part of life with me.
But even if she was... it wouldn’t change the fact that there’s no intimacy between us. Knowing would only make a hard decision a little less difficult.
It does lead to a point that’s been made here before: Your spouse might be similarly unhappy being married to someone who’s sexually incompatible. The coin has two sides.
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Post by mescaline on Aug 12, 2019 12:23:39 GMT -5
I think knowing why would give me some closure. It may even help me rectify some previous mistakes, and learn for the future. I cannot change my wife but i can change me.
I'm sure i share some responsibility in the breakdown of my marriage in this respect and i would like to try to own that side if things.
Of course i cannot change things, i know that. I also know i have tried all i can and that ultimately it doesn't really matter. Yet I've always believed the truth will set me free, and this is no different, to me anyway.
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 12, 2019 13:52:52 GMT -5
As I read the many posts here there seem to be an issue that appears to get avoided a lot. Everyone talks about their partners lack of interest in sex generally, asexual, etc but it seem that it's just as plausible they have a healthy sex drive, maybe cheating, taking care of themselves and just don't want sex with you. I know the it's so much easier to accept that they have a low/no libido as the other possibility would be soul destroying. If I would have found out that my ExRefuser was fucking someone else, I would have been overjoyed. I could have divorced her much easier.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 12, 2019 15:32:02 GMT -5
I think knowing why would give me some closure. It may even help me rectify some previous mistakes, and learn for the future. I cannot change my wife but i can change me. I'm sure i share some responsibility in the breakdown of my marriage in this respect and i would like to try to own that side if things. Of course i cannot change things, i know that. I also know i have tried all i can and that ultimately it doesn't really matter. Yet I've always believed the truth will set me free, and this is no different, to me anyway. Yup, these were my thoughts exactly, and once I had separated from my H I was keen to know the truth in the way you describe. To my surprise his view was that I was still very attractive to him (zero evidence of that either verbally or otherwise for years) and that he had not thought about another woman let alone sought to action any extra marital activity. So, I had my curiosity satisfied and learnt exactly nothing, other than he seemed to believe that twice a year was totally acceptable. Didn’t help a whole lot really.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 12, 2019 17:06:50 GMT -5
My ex had a very healthy sex drive. We had a very active sex life until he got a good computer and fast internet and discovered all the porn available. He just couldn't tear himself away. After awhile things don't work as well if at all. At first I thought I would lose my shit if he was having sex with someone else when I was a Willing enthusiastic partner. After awhile I didn't even care anymore. Being thrown over for a computer was even more humiliating than being cheated on.
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Post by baza on Aug 12, 2019 18:42:39 GMT -5
As I read the many posts here there seem to be an issue that appears to get avoided a lot. Everyone talks about their partners lack of interest in sex generally, asexual, etc but it seem that it's just as plausible they have a healthy sex drive, maybe cheating, taking care of themselves and just don't want sex with you. I know the it's so much easier to accept that they have a low/no libido as the other possibility would be soul destroying. Of course it is plausible that your spouse has a healthy sex drive. Of course it is plausible that they are indeed exercising that healthy sex drive with someone other than you. Of course it is plausible that they are exercising that healthy sex drive by masturbating. And, of course it is possible that your spouse is just low/no libido. In all of these plausible scenarios, there is one common element .... that being that you are disenfranchised either way. "Why" your spouse doesn't want to fuck you doesn't matter. Any one of the above plausible scenarios is as good as another. The end outcome is the same. The problem that has to be dealt with is that you are in an ILIASM deal .... however that came about. "Why" it came about makes no difference, and makes no material difference to the options available to you.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 12, 2019 20:01:31 GMT -5
I hope my ex has a healthy sex drive. I hope she finds a man she wants, and wants her back. I hope her ideal night is far more intimate than sitting on the couch posting on social media while complaining about her partner's perceived faults. She didn't with me, for a quarter century, and was never honest about whatever her reason was. In the end, for whatever reason, she chose to stick it out so long as I stayed in forced celibacy. Some day, when all other family drama is out of the way, I would like idgaf96 to send her a letter thanking her for letting me go so she could have me.
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Post by Handy on Aug 13, 2019 0:11:44 GMT -5
flashjohn If I would have found out that my ExRefuser was fucking someone else, I would have been overjoyed. I could have divorced her much easier.My sentiments, exactly! ironhamster why not send the letter today?
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Post by mescaline on Aug 13, 2019 0:41:34 GMT -5
I see and appreciate the caution about "why chasing" but i do think it's worth exploring whether there is any merit in appreciating the motives of it.
If i was still searching for ways to fix things, then yes, completely a pointless act. As we all know only too well!
Yet, for the purposes of personal self improvement i think every experience we live out may be able to offer something to our self awareness. Even if it is simply a reappraisal of our reactions to our circumstances...
... Given my time in my marriage again for example, i would probably have cut my losses well beyind the situation now. I certainly would not have made the efforts and compromises i have to the degree i have. A lesson learnt for the future in that respect. If i understood my wife's motives then that would aid my appraisal, although i fuply concede it may be of negative or no benefit in the short term.
Just thinking aloud, feel free to pull my cognitive process apart!
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Post by saarinista on Aug 13, 2019 1:48:12 GMT -5
If I discovered my husband was sexually into someone else, I would be happy, honestly and truly.
The main thing I've ever wanted is for each of us to be happy. Clearly we're not making each other happy, sexually or otherwise. But his being happy is only a good thing, whether or not I'm happy too.
I have no idea what will make him happy. This is finally obvious to me after 20 years. But whatever it is I hope he finds it. I have now accepted that I am not the key to his happiness.
But his being miserable would not make me happy at all. And his being happy sexually with someone else (or happy any kind of way) would only lift my concerns about his future well being.
I wish no one ill. I would love some bliss, but hey, life comes with no guarantees. I'm. Just glad to finally accept that my long- term sexless marriage is NOT okay for me, that it's not really anyone's fault and that I'm jot alone.
My H and I are just not the right spouses for one another. I don't CARE why. It is what it is.
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