Having why-chased assiduously for the best part of a decade, I now know precisely why not only why my wife doesn’t sleep with me, but also why it wouldn’t occur to her - ever - to sleep with me.
I won’t bother explaining the reason I’ve arrived at, because it simply doesn’t matter. All I’ve done is succeeded in satisfying my intellectual curiosity and the yattering demands of my outraged ego. It’s not worthless knowledge - but it ain’t worth a penny sexually, because fucking me just doesn’t register with her.
However, it’s been said above that the truth will set us free. That is true. Nothing is truer, in fact. My wife won’t fuck me, but there’s nothing wrong with me. That’s the truth and that will do for me.
In an ILIASM deal (you being the refused spouse) your spouse does not find you sexually desirable.
Possibly, they don't find anyone sexually desirable, but they certainly don't find you sexually desirable.
Possibly, they do find some people sexually desirable, but you ain't one of them.
Some examples for you of people who were not desired in one situation, but greatly desired in another.
Sister nyartgal - her spouse did not find her sexually desirable, yet after getting out of her ILIASM shithole she happened upon Senor Sexyguy who found her highly sexually desirable and still does after about 5 years and two kids. Brother shamwow - his spouse did not find him terribly sexually desirable at all. Yet, post ILIASM shithole when he happened across ballofconfusion who finds him very rootable indeed. Sister elkclan2 - her spouse certainly didn't find her sexually desirable in the least. But once out of that deal she happened across a bloke who found her highly sexually desirable, and they've been boofing each other happily ever since. Brother greatcoastal - his spouse found him extremely sexually undesirable. But, once he got shot of her he found he was sexually desirable to a number of women, and is currently well ensconced in a deal with a woman who thinks he is quite the stud.
Chances are that *you* are not sexually undesirable in the wider picture. Just because your present spouse does not find you sexually desirable does not mean that someone else would be of the same opinion.
I think knowing why would give me some closure. It may even help me rectify some previous mistakes, and learn for the future. I cannot change my wife but i can change me.
I'm sure i share some responsibility in the breakdown of my marriage in this respect and i would like to try to own that side if things.
Of course i cannot change things, i know that. I also know i have tried all i can and that ultimately it doesn't really matter. Yet I've always believed the truth will set me free, and this is no different, to me anyway.
Be careful what you wish for. ballofconfusion was invited to brunch by her ex. He promised to give her answers to any questions she wanted.
See, she already knew he was gay. That much was already known. What she didn't know was the details. I advised her not to go. But she went, and she got her answers. And it made her a wreck for a week.
Not long after, my ex and I got into an argument. I started bringing up the past and the reasons I left. It sounded as though she was going to give me my answers. But then I stopped and ended the conversation.
I am free. I am happier than I've ever been. And I've learned that sometimes the answers simply aren't worth having.
Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest.
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 13, 2019 19:51:27 GMT -5
I believe that learning from your past mistakes, is a good thing. Even if that means rehashing them, and facing them. Revealing the truth, about the way YOU handled these 'problems' and how to avoid them, correct them, or end them in the present and future.
Post by northstarmom on Aug 14, 2019 7:21:59 GMT -5
2019 said: “Everyone talks about their partners lack of interest in sex generally, asexual, etc but it seem that it's just as plausible they have a healthy sex drive, maybe cheating, taking care of themselves and just don't want sex with you. I know the it's so much easier to accept that they have a low/no libido as the other possibility would be soul destroying. ””
Very true. Accepting that one’s spouse doesn’t have and never will have any sexual interest in you puts the ball in your court. Then it’s up to you whether to stay in or exit your hopelessly SM. Leaving doesn’t guarantee a hot sex life but it does allow you to avoid the soul shattering reality of not being desired by your mate.
I was 61, married 34 years when I divorced. The last time my refuser ex had seen me naked, he had walked into our bedroom when I was changing. His response? He blurted, “Excuse me” and walked out.
I never learned why he became sexually averse to me. I stopped why chasing years ago and no longer care.
I’ve now been in s 6 year relationship with a sexy guy whose eyes light up when he sees my naked body. While this ending isn’t guaranteed if you leave your sm, for many it’s better to be single and celibate than married and refused.
Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 14, 2019 7:49:48 GMT -5
northstarmom I was 52 and married 34 years when I left . I'm also in a happy, satisfying relationship. Just shows it's never too late to take charge of our happiness. And I agree being alone is better than being sad and angry and rejected I felt so happy and free just not having to go home to that house and that life.
Post by 2019change on Aug 14, 2019 19:32:33 GMT -5
Since I started this post I sat and reviewed the comments today. Firstly there seems a consensus that we all just want to know the truth, good or bad, that we never get closure or answers why. Then I do feel their are few who cling to their partner being sexual adverse. And comments how they have accepted the situation in a magnanimous fashion, which are nice but not honest? Because if you accepting of the situation why are you here?
Post by northstarmom on Aug 15, 2019 4:10:38 GMT -5
2019 said: “Firstly there seems a consensus that we all just want to know the truth, good or bad, that we never get closure or answers why. ”
Answers don’t bring closure. Closure is a gift you give yourself when you decide to focus on living your most fulfilling life regardless of your refuser. I never learned why my now ex refused. I no longer care.
Post by ironhamster on Aug 15, 2019 6:35:00 GMT -5
I'd like better closure than that, but that is the best I can get.
You know that part of the movie where the villian is about to kill the hero, but, just to rub it all in, he tells the hero his evil plan, how he got to that point, and what will happen that the hero now can't stop? Well, this is not the movies.
The villian in my life won't be confessing to me, because she is not the villian in her life. She is an innocent bystander who led the perfect life, never did any wrong, and who now reaps a massive never ending windfall because she is the victim. She needs ME to be the villian in her life. I gave her closure. I told her precisely why I was doing what I was doing. She never could afford me that honest monologue regarding her actions.
Post by workingonit on Aug 15, 2019 7:45:25 GMT -5
IDK ironhamster . I think your wife has given you your answers. What happens for the folks that grow up religious and really embrace negative religious tropes about sex? How are they supposed to turn that around? If you are told your whole life that sex is gross and immoral and you believe it how are you supposed to turn that ship around when you get married?
I knew a young religious woman that had a very interesting view of sex as immoral. Before getting married she had voiced the idea that sex was just sort of this passive, short thing you sometimes have to let your husband do to you. She had never even heard of an orgasm for women. She truly believed the open, passionate and fun view of sex I tried to share with her was some immoral bs that I had been brainwashed to believe by popular culture. She thought I was deeply wrong.
She was so sure. She had been told it her whole life by her parents and her leaders and teachers, etc. It was a core belief for her. How in the world do you combat that? Particularly if the person believes you are the corrupt one?
Your ex would have to fundamentally unravel her core belief system to see you as anything other than an immoral pervert. Few can really ever do that, even if they want to.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5