moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by moon on Apr 28, 2019 0:50:13 GMT -5
No problem to have Plato guy friend though. Except for that esoteric philosophy they're into. I mean, who really cares that much about caves? My 2ct, cave is just a metaphor. Matrix/Red Pills. "Everything is perfect except sex" is the cave, a shadow of fire, the illusion, we're all prisoners. People on the opposite land is the prisoner who escapes from the cave, sees the real fire, knows the sexless is just the tip of the iceberg, and a normal loving marriage is different.
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moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by moon on Apr 28, 2019 1:00:01 GMT -5
moon - I know I got incredibly lucky but I stumbled into what turned out to be an incredible love only a (scandalously!) short time after separating from my ex. I just didn't give it any thought. I just went with the flow and started to get to know the best lover I've ever known. It turns out that she was the unicorn - beautiful, sane and a great match for my love languages. Don't discount the chance that an fwb or other situation could turn out to be the love _and_ lover you've always wanted. tirefire , choosinghappy , i admire (envy:)) your incredible luck, but i also believe it's due to the emotional maturity/suitability for both of you, so that you can build a great relationship. I wish i could be so lucky! baza said: I think it was Brother @vegas who said at one time (in regard to getting into a new relationship pretty quickly after vacating the previous one) - - "they only call it a rebound relationship if it fucks up. If it goes well you never hear about how quick it developed" - Very well said!
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moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by moon on Apr 28, 2019 1:23:06 GMT -5
I went kayaking on the lake today. I feel incredibly peaceful drifting in the water, following the wind, learning to "let go".
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Post by tirefire on Apr 28, 2019 8:18:47 GMT -5
moon - good point on being ready first. You should get yourself in a relatively good space before hoping to find an emotional partner. I was in that space before separation so YMMV.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 28, 2019 12:02:34 GMT -5
That "ego boost" was mine. All mine. To keep, rejoice in, and draw strength from. It was now up to me on how to handle it. ( I also gave a 'ego boost' to someone else- let's not forget that. Giving and receiving)
My 'ego boost' was something that I asked for and I recieved it!. Asking for it ,can be tricky, A bit different with every person and every situation. This too is about " letting go" and trying new things. Expanding your horizons. That doesn't mean lowering your standards. For many of us, on here, it means raising them!! ( getting sick of being sick)
To cut right to the chase: I learned that a one night stand, was not who I am. I DO need a LOT of relationship as well. ( The other 4 love languages) I learned that by not being secluded, and putting myself out there. Online dating, and meet up groups.
I think a FWB has a % to it. How much friend do you want and how much benefits do you want. The same for your partner. That can change with time, and with different people. More learning through the good and the bad.
You will also discover that you can find a partner whom " asking for intimacy and sex" requires little more than a hand hold, an embrace, a kiss, or just a glance from across the room. A phone call saying " I wish I could be with you right now". So many hints that were totally discarded by a refuser.
I would also say, that an 'ego boost' has an expiration date, a shelf life. Like getting a jump start to a battery. You then need to keep that battery running to recharge it.
I experienced 'mixed feelings' and experiences on the issue of giving yourself, time to heal, good space, or being ready. Yes it is a learning process and I found myself learning easier with hands on experience, rather than risking more and more seclusion.
I wanted to experience 'red flags' again. To see if I would see them and how I would react to them. I was concerned about avoiding them too much and never being able to handle them on my own.
Not just, only book learning, and feeling less and less desired. Along with being more convinced that " I do love myself, I do have a lot to offer, but I sure do need to practice all of this!! I am going to have some royal screw ups, and some crazy surprise victories! So I decided to put my foot in the water of both pools at the same time. ( healing myself- living alone and single/ and and being vulnerable to being taken advantage of at the same time- dating and giving myself to someone else))
I decided I needed to learn from my mistakes.
The path I choose will create the environment for my Journey.
The environment of my Journey will determine the atmosphere I sow in. WE learn from each other. We become " wounded healers".
I am still learning. Heck, even now, I have a very intimate relationship with my woman, but I discuss with her " Once I am employed ,I am going to be gone a lot. I won't be available like I am now. I sure am enjoying these times, but later it's going to take a lot more work to make it happen. " "Planning, scheduling, and then times when I am just to out of it and need my rest".
She says" So? When you come home late, I will be right here ready, and waiting for you! We will make it happen." I think it's great, her attitude, and that we will both be willing to press forward and see what happens as we make it work.
Today, you can replant. You can rewrite your future! Your mistakes do not have to name you....they can remake you!!
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moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by moon on Apr 29, 2019 14:28:14 GMT -5
Thank you so much greatcoastal for pouring out your feelings, journey and learnings!!! It's very encouraging. Thank you! Good point on learning from hands-on experiences and mistakes. I do tend to be secluded when hurt and learn through reading and self reflection. Maybe i can try to learn differently, with right people once ready. I'm glad that you've met your affectionate lady and built amazing intimate relationship. GOOD FOR YOU! This is a lesson i need to learn, how to be soft, affectionate, open my heart to show love to my partner. My H and I are both calm and rational people, hold back emotions and stay cool for problem solving. But under that, I do have passion/affection and want to connect with and care for right people. I'll digest your other points and get back later.
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moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by moon on Apr 30, 2019 14:52:17 GMT -5
moon - good point on being ready first. You should get yourself in a relatively good space before hoping to find an emotional partner. I was in that space before separation so YMMV. tirefire , choosinghappy - just curious, what have you done to make you in good space before separation? What's the key learning that helps you find and connect to right partner post separation? Thanks.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 30, 2019 20:01:16 GMT -5
moon - good point on being ready first. You should get yourself in a relatively good space before hoping to find an emotional partner. I was in that space before separation so YMMV. tirefire , choosinghappy - just curious, what have you done to make you in good space before separation? What's the key learning that helps you find and connect to right partner post separation? Thanks. moon if I knew the answers to that I’d be a millionaire! What springs to mind for me though is that I spent time before separating being brutally honest with myself about my SM situation and feelings. I began to trust and love myself more and honor my true feelings. It set me up to be in a very healthy mental state upon separating. As far as being ready to connect with a new partner? I think a lot of it is luck of the draw. TF and I both acknowledge that we both just happened to get incredibly lucky to find one another. And we were both mentally and emotionally ready to be open to receiving and giving. Neither of us operated from a place of fear, just of honesty and later, love. It just happened to work and we just happen to mesh incredibly well. We both knew what we wanted and needed in life and in a partner and we both just happen to fill those for the other. I’m grateful every day. I remember posting an article at one point that highlighted some Qs you should ask yourself before getting into a new relationship. I’ll find and post it for you.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 30, 2019 20:03:58 GMT -5
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Post by tirefire on Apr 30, 2019 20:18:25 GMT -5
moon, I don't want to keep banging the drum, but for men, GO TO THE GYM! You don't need to look like a young celebrity but you do need to feel good about yourself. 3 times a week, with weights (not cardio), for 3 months and you will look and feel better. This costs very little. If you need a free trainer check out athleanx on YouTube. Good quality, safe workout ideas that work. Seriously, you'll catch yourself noticing new muscle in the mirror. You need to feel mentally strong and being physically strong helps a lot. Lifting heavy objects is very clarifying for the mind. And many women enjoy the muscle so that's a bonus. But you are going there and doing the effort for _you_. Now ditch the ratty sneakers or comfortable dad shoes and get something stylish. Same for your clothes, regardless what style you wear. The goal here is to feel good. Strong. Physically and mentally. If you aren't sure, ask a female friend with style to help you. Or one of several YouTube channels covering this stuff. Get some new ideas in your head. Pick out something interesting and read it. Start going for walks somewhere in the wilderness. Think about a new hairstyle perhaps? Only if it will make you feel good. This is about a new, stronger you. Once you get there, you'll know. You'll know who you are and what you want, what you can offer. This is all advice I picked up over the last few years and it worked for me to help me get my chin up. I'm not perfect (!!) but these basic ideas helped me reach the new me that was able to confidently know who I am and am not. Whether I was ready to move on in my life from my unhappy marriage. Whether I was ready to engage with someone new. But it all starts at the gym. If you do nothing else, do the gym. I hadn't set foot in a gym until I was in my late 40s. So no excuses.
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Post by baza on Apr 30, 2019 20:46:45 GMT -5
FWIW Sister moon , the way you write suggests to me that you are already a long way down the path of "being in a good space". Maybe even further down that path than you might think. In regard to a new relationship, I think it comes down to two main things. #1 - being open to that concept #2 - being available should that concept present itself #3 - pure blind luck that your paths intersected Re - *Pure Blind Luck" In my 9+ years of reading in the old EP group - and this one - I've seen this play out many many times .... with people like ballofconfusion tamara68 WindSister @mountainrunner and numerous others (most recently Sister elynne ) baza and enna30 for that matter - though that was some years ago now. It is interesting to note however, that the more of ones own shit one has sorted out, the more comfortable one is in ones own skin that the *luckier* one seems to get.
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Post by tirefire on May 1, 2019 5:32:25 GMT -5
Forgot to add a TL;dr last night: Make your body strong and your mind will follow. 😁 Also, what choosinghappy said. She is much better with these things.
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Post by flounder on May 1, 2019 7:24:28 GMT -5
Thank you greatcoastal, good question. My problem is I haven’t learned to deal with FWB, I may get emotionally attached after deep connection and great sex. It also gives me illusion of retreat. I should assess celibacy vs SM, rather than FWB vs SM. No problem to have Platonic guy friend though. The ideal plan is to rebuild my single life, explore and self discover. No romantic life until i’m ready and “the best of me”. Need to learn the dating culture too. I’m also a bit reluctant to use men for rebound relationship. It’s unfair for a good guy. I spent 2 years of my life recovering from a woman. I had been hurt so bad from that relationship that I wanted nothing to do with a woman. Avoided all intimate gestures. Platonic relationships only. I likened it to being bitten by a dog. You might be a little leery of being close to the next one. I met a nice girl about 9 months after the break. She was beautiful inside and out. But I was unable to be comfortable in intimate moments with her.
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Post by northstarmom on May 1, 2019 7:50:09 GMT -5
The key learning to connecting with the right partner after separation is not what most expect. It’s becoming the kind of person who makes you happy. When you become the you who pleases you then you will attract the right people into your life. Do activities that you enjoy, be with people whom you enjoy, dress in a way that makes you happy. Do not try to change yourself to become a person who attracts a partner. Be the you who makes you smile. Typically accomplishing that after a sm happens as a result of a journey of healing and self discovery.
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Post by javba on May 1, 2019 8:58:31 GMT -5
That "ego boost" was mine. All mine. To keep, rejoice in, and draw strength from. It was now up to me on how to handle it. ( I also gave a 'ego boost' to someone else- let's not forget that. Giving and receiving) [message truncated in the middle for reading comfort] Today, you can replant. You can rewrite your future! Your mistakes do not have to name you....they can remake you!! GC thanks for the post - it was very very helpful I appreciate it.
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