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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 24, 2019 21:36:30 GMT -5
Hi moon ! You have cut all connection with men? That concerns me. I understand the reality to fall into the trap of " all men are scum, or all men want is sex, or I don't need a man"" this is what I heard countless women repeat at my Divorce Recovery meetings. Please try not to generalize like that. Men have the same issue when it comes to generalizing women. It becomes a crutch for giving up on sorting out your own problems and refusing to face your own fears and challenges. I am deep into year 4 after my 'wake up moment' that I was being manipulated and controlled in a loveless sexless marriage. And let me say, "I have had other men be more caring, loving, understanding, helpful,mentoring, and say, "call me if you need me" to pull me through the fire. Men who I can be my true self around and not be ashamed or embarrassed. They are out there. It does take a dose of risk to be able to submit and make yourself vulnerable enough to ask the right people for help. Not someone who will pump and dump you, but people who are also looking for intimacy, trust, communication,, and that huge ego boost of being sexually desired again. The same thing that you deserve! And can give to someone else. Ask for a 50/50 time and moments of giving and receiving. You will have good and bad experiences. It makes you stronger for the next experience. iron sharpens iron! A dark day? Stars can't shine without darkness!
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moon
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Age Range: 36-40
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Post by moon on Apr 24, 2019 22:15:53 GMT -5
Thank you greatcoastal, good question. My problem is I haven’t learned to deal with FWB, I may get emotionally attached after deep connection and great sex. It also gives me illusion of retreat. I should assess celibacy vs SM, rather than FWB vs SM. No problem to have Platonic guy friend though. The ideal plan is to rebuild my single life, explore and self discover. No romantic life until i’m ready and “the best of me”. Need to learn the dating culture too. I’m also a bit reluctant to use men for rebound relationship. It’s unfair for a good guy.
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Post by baza on Apr 24, 2019 22:41:23 GMT -5
You seem to have a pretty good grasp of your situation Sister moon . Getting out of a dysfunctional deal is one thing, and a stand alone issue where being single again is preferable to being in your ILIASM deal. Then, there's another stand alone issue as a single. That being a future relationship - about which there can be no certainty - which may at that time be something that looks preferable to being single. They are two stand alone issues. And meantime, the idea of - "rebuild my single life, explore and self discover" seems pretty smart I reckon.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 24, 2019 22:55:52 GMT -5
Would this help ? Think of a 'rebound relationship' as VERY fair for a good guy!! A guy who can also benefit from a rebound as well? Perhaps a guy who also has gone through a SM and needs that ego boost? Make it a part of your rebuilding your single life and self discovery.
You want to be quite capable of being independant, ( self confident) while also being confident enough to practice giving and receiving. Confident enough to emotionally attach yourself, while knowing that you can still keep a very high level of self worth, with or without a relationship ( no longer being codependent).
You be that woman who loves to dance with other men, and can be just as happy dancing alone out on the dance floor!
Learning the dating culture is a whole nother subject to get into!
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 25, 2019 8:24:25 GMT -5
Moon, it may be a good idea to focus now on reclaiming and rediscovering yourself— finding out and exploring your non sexual interests; rediscovering and pursuing interests and nonsexual friendships you had put aside during your marriage. Give yourself a chance to heal before exploring dating or looking for a FWB.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2019 14:07:32 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold2 , my H is “action of service”. He THINKS he loves me physically too, which I don’t understand at all without passionate frequent sex. Mine is “physical love” and “quality time”, I love to go really deep to talk with my partner, and enjoy passionate sex, or explore wild fantasies. As the old phrase says, "Therein, lies the rub"
I wish you so much luck with this. It's so painful and diminishing for so long. You either get out and heal or, as I have, stay and grow very thick scar tissue.
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moon
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Age Range: 36-40
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Post by moon on Apr 27, 2019 0:11:09 GMT -5
I feel peaceful after separated. I have been sleeping better, masturbating much more, trying things i really like, focusing on myself. On the other side, I do feel pained when think about relationship, future partner, love, desire. I know the future will be very hard for me. greatcoastal , northstarmom , baza I thought deeply about your suggestions. I need to learn how to keep self worth / self love without being loved/validated by partner. I'm very aggressive/independent in work, but in relationship, i NEED to be LOVED (not only desired) and get really hurt without it. I guess to reclaim/rediscover myself is a path to a stronger (yet soft) heart, to love myself unconditionally (w/ or w/o partner), to live fulfilled on my own. It also helps me to take it easy for failures when exploring dating/FWB. btw - I have a hard time to deal with FWB. How to separate sex and love, enjoy pure physical pleasure without emotional attached?
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 27, 2019 1:20:50 GMT -5
Moon, different people enjoy different things when it comes to Love and sex. Having a fwb may not be something you’d want or enjoy. You may have a need for love from a sex partner. Sex without love may not be something for you. After you heal from your sm and reclaim and explore yourself as a single , finding a romantic partner to share love and sex may be your next step. It would be fine if you decided to have sex only after taking time to establish a love relationship.
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moon
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Age Range: 36-40
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A Dark Day
Apr 27, 2019 10:33:15 GMT -5
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Post by moon on Apr 27, 2019 10:33:15 GMT -5
Thank you northstarmom, I’m wondering if it’s just mindset change (and how), and pure physical can bring big joy, maybe that can open a new world for me. I do LOVE sex. I (secretly) want to learn how to let go (the need to be loved).
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moon
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Age Range: 36-40
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A Dark Day
Apr 27, 2019 11:03:43 GMT -5
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Post by moon on Apr 27, 2019 11:03:43 GMT -5
greatcoastal, what happened after the ego boost of rebound relationship? Then each part walks away when meeting their true love? Sex partners/FWB?
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moon
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Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
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A Dark Day
Apr 27, 2019 11:14:20 GMT -5
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Post by moon on Apr 27, 2019 11:14:20 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold2, I don’t know the future. It obviously will be tough and risky. I hope I can grow to be fearless and more risk taking. Like, it’s OK to fail, to get hurt, to lose everything stable and safe. But after those hurts or desperation, I can still stand up, run, maybe fly even higher, to learn and grow, to embrace the challenges and new opportunities.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 27, 2019 11:52:44 GMT -5
Moon said: “Thank you northstarmom, I’m wondering if it’s just mindset change (and how), and pure physical can bring big joy, maybe that can open a new world for me. I do LOVE sex. I (secretly) want to learn how to let go (the need to be loved).”
I think people are just wired differently. My post sm lover of 6 years started as FWbs. Within a few weeks that became empty for me even though the sex was great. We both fell in love with each other and I learned them that what I’d really longed for in my marriage and life was hot sex within a committed relationship. I don’t see any reason to try to change to become different from who I am.
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Post by nyctos on Apr 27, 2019 16:27:19 GMT -5
No problem to have Plato guy friend though. Except for that esoteric philosophy they're into. I mean, who really cares that much about caves?
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Post by tirefire on Apr 27, 2019 22:09:12 GMT -5
moon - I know I got incredibly lucky but I stumbled into what turned out to be an incredible love only a (scandalously!) short time after separating from my ex. I just didn't give it any thought. I just went with the flow and started to get to know the best lover I've ever known. It turns out that she was the unicorn - beautiful, sane and a great match for my love languages. Don't discount the chance that an fwb or other situation could turn out to be the love _and_ lover you've always wanted.
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Post by baza on Apr 27, 2019 22:41:15 GMT -5
moon - I know I got incredibly lucky but I stumbled into what turned out to be an incredible love only a (scandalously!) short time after separating from my ex. I just didn't give it any thought. I just went with the flow and started to get to know the best lover I've ever known. It turns out that she was the unicorn - beautiful, sane and a great match for my love languages. Don't discount the chance that an fwb or other situation could turn out to be the love _and_ lover you've always wanted. I think it was Brother @vegas who said at one time (in regard to getting into a new relationship pretty quickly after vacating the previous one) - - "they only call it a rebound relationship if it fucks up. If it goes well you never hear about how quick it developed" -
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