moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by moon on Apr 23, 2019 23:02:53 GMT -5
After heartbreaking talks, many years of struggles, finally I made tough decision to try to "leave". My husband and I started to try separation.
Mixed feelings since separation, I felt devastated, liberated, peaceful, then today, pained again. It's cruel to realize (again) that while my husband still loves me, cherishes me but without sex, other guys might desire me sexually but without love. It feels like I'm in a dark abyss with no way out, fighting alone. I don't even know if divorcing is the best choice. I've cut all connections to men.
In pain, I read, masturbated a lot, cleaned everything. I KNOW I need to enjoy living alone (which I do most time) without counting on love. That may or may not ever come, and no guarantee to last long. But I'm a bit weak tonight, I WANT my soul mate, my lover, my life partner, I hope to love and be loved again, one day.
Sorry for being weak. I'll focus on work and be strong again tomorrow.
btw - would appreciate if you don't quote, i may delete details later to avoid my husband to find this poster.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Apr 23, 2019 23:17:55 GMT -5
moon, no apologies needed. Nothing about this is easy, especially if your situation feels like just one (crucial) ingredient is missing. I can empathize with the dilemma of whether the medicine is worse than the disease. Kudos for taking a hard step to break the status quo, even if you decide that separation isn’t the solution. Optimistically, maybe it’ll be enough to shake something up.
|
|
moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by moon on Apr 24, 2019 0:01:43 GMT -5
Thank you DryCreek for the understanding, it makes me feel better. It’s tough decision, although he may still loves me, but our sex drive and adventure interests are different. I didn’t realize that sexual mismatch can be fatal when married. Jogging makes me calm now.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Apr 24, 2019 2:24:16 GMT -5
The choice to leave an ILIASM deal has to stand up all by itself Sister moon . If you have taken a moderate view - of separation - that is probably the smart play whilst you sort out your feelings. For what it is worth, I reckon time spent away from the ILIASM deal is time well spent. You can think a fair bit more clearly away from that environment.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Apr 24, 2019 2:49:43 GMT -5
I totally get the mixed feelings of separation. I had that, too, once I had moved. I described it as a collage of emotions. Overall, though, I was happier out than in. I sincerely hope you feel the same.
|
|
|
Post by smith227 on Apr 24, 2019 4:58:05 GMT -5
I’m in the same boat. Moved out last week and seem to be regretting it more often than not. Like you I’ve been cleaning, reading, watching tons of television. Last night when I was going to bed I realized I haven’t had the same headache that I’ve been having for the last 7 months and I actually wasn’t weezing and congested. I didn’t feel sick bc I’m not in a filthy house with 2 cats. Cats that my ex refused to get rid of even though I’m incredibly allergic. Then I realized I hadn’t even taken any allergy medication in 4 days. I usually take it 3-4 times a day. So, I said a thank you to God and slept like a baby. I don’t feel as bad about leaving today. I physically feel better than I have in a long time, and that’s a good result and tells me that I was absolutely right in leaving. Hope you find your reasons that you weren’t even looking for, no matter how small. You’ll make it.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Apr 24, 2019 8:39:36 GMT -5
“I didn’t realize that sexual mismatch can be fatal when married.”
I don’t think any of us realized that. Such a great point.
Hang in there. There will be ups and downs as you go through this major change to your life but hopefully the good will outweigh the bad overall. I know that for me, it has. Hugs.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Apr 24, 2019 10:28:04 GMT -5
Hang in there moon. You will continue to have these feelings until you settle into your new normal. Remember, if you end up deciding that you’d prefer to stay with your husband even though the sex is not there, it is still a valid choice. The good thing would be that you took the appropriate steps to allow yourself the space and time to think things through. On the other hand, with time and space, you may find that you are much happier on your own. One step at a time, one day at a time is all you can do. Stay strong and come back here for support whenever you need it!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2019 12:17:21 GMT -5
Hang in there and don't underestimate the power of not feeling loved and desired (both of them). The older I get, the more I believe that love, family, connection are all that matter. Without those, everything else is just clutter.
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Apr 24, 2019 14:41:20 GMT -5
moon, I certainly understand. When I left my ExRefuser, I was very conflicted. It took a while before I felt normal. I do have to tell you this: Please realize that your H may SAY he loves you, but his actions do not reflect that. If you love a person, you can't see him/her in misery right beside you and do nothing. Especially when you have the ability to meet his/her needs.
|
|
|
Post by isthisit on Apr 24, 2019 14:50:43 GMT -5
Another fellow sufferer here too moon . I told my H in January that I wished to separate, and it has been very hard since then. I made this difficult choice after over 15 years of hoping to reclaim my marriage before I accepted that I could no longer go on as we were. Thanks to the wisdom found here I was fully informed that I was trading the current mediocre existence for a more miserable existence in the short term for longer term benefits. Today, I am not at all enjoying the 'short term pain' part but am resolute that this will not last forever and the 'long term gain' element will make it all worth it (whatever that looks like). Hang in there.
|
|
moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
|
A Dark Day
Apr 24, 2019 14:54:02 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by moon on Apr 24, 2019 14:54:02 GMT -5
Thank you so much everyone for the understanding and warm support! It really means a lot to me.
I retreated into busy work as always. I’m feeling much stronger and confident in work today. It has a purpose and expected (good) ROI.
The mixed feelings include the hurt of not being loved rather treated pure physically, the remaining love to my H, and the fear that i may never have a loving AND sexual relationship. I’m not afraid of staying alone and calm, which i’m used to, I just, just couldn’t give up the need to love.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2019 15:34:59 GMT -5
moon , I certainly understand. When I left my ExRefuser, I was very conflicted. It took a while before I felt normal. I do have to tell you this: Please realize that your H may SAY he loves you, but his actions do not reflect that. If you love a person, you can't see him/her in misery right beside you and do nothing. Especially when you have the ability to meet his/her needs. This is crucial information. I would also add that the "love languages" thing is spot on. I know my W loves me but for the most part doesn't reflect it in a way that speaks to me. She does amazing "Acts of Service" to pull family events together and other things but they usually aren't aimed at me specifically but for the whole family. It's lovely but not love (to me). I understand that "Acts of Service" is her primary (maybe even 99.9%) language and so I try to address that. I'm more of a Quality Time and Touch person but when you decide to stay you also decide that no one will be speaking your language. Ever. I'm strong enough for that now but I was seriously miserable for 20+ years for the same reasons you articulate and I should have gotten out.
|
|
moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by moon on Apr 24, 2019 17:24:48 GMT -5
flashjohn, thank you and very well said about love ACTIONS! My H is kind of asexual (low libido) with medical issues. He refused to see a doctor or therapist. After I wanted to divorce, he did try very hard sexually, which is too late after decade of rejection, and far from enough for my sex drive and passionate desire. The fact is we are sexually incompatible. He may still loves me, in terms of “action of service”. He THINKS he loves me “physically” too, which I don’t understand how it is possible without passionate frequent sex. Like one interesting post from northstarmom, I was attracted to *secure* loving caring intelligent person with low libido and bad in sex, bc I think that high libido, sex driven people may easily cheat on me. I need to get rid of the desire or illusion of “absolute secure” in long term relationship, look for someone who is both great at sex and loving/caring/loyal.
|
|
moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
|
A Dark Day
Apr 24, 2019 17:43:13 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by moon on Apr 24, 2019 17:43:13 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold2, my H is “action of service”. He THINKS he loves me physically too, which I don’t understand at all without passionate frequent sex.
Mine is “physical love” and “quality time”, I love to go really deep to talk with my partner, and enjoy passionate sex, or explore wild fantasies.
|
|