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Post by whuffo on Jan 22, 2019 16:30:33 GMT -5
None of us know she knows her own situation enough to know it’s wise to get out without consulting a lawyer. We do know it’s wise to get facts before making any major decision. Many of us also have experienced or have seen folks shred their cred by prematurely announcing divorce. There also are some who have been financially or otherwise screwed by a spouse who was unexpectedly vindictive and secretive. As for congrats, whether she divorces or not is her call. Some here announced they were divorcing and then changed their mind after figuring out the risks weren’t worth the things they would lose, including being with a partner who loved them. I don’t have any stake in her marriage. I just hope that whatever she chooses is a fully informed choice. Regardless of what others have or haven’t done, ITI reached deep, found some testicular fortitude that a lot of others here, myself included, have not done. Everybody’s situation is different and require a different approach. It’s called individualised consideration. I saw enough responses to her brave post about lawyers that I felt compelled to say something to comment on the courage and strength it takes to finally stand up and take her life back. Let’s rally around that and look at it as inspiration. You are an inspiration ITI! Well done!!!
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 22, 2019 16:37:36 GMT -5
Congrats on this next step! It has to take serious courage to finally have that endgame talk. As you acknowledge, it's a long process, but you've taken a major step towards a life you deserve.
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Post by isthisit on Jan 22, 2019 16:40:38 GMT -5
None of us know she knows her own situation enough to know it’s wise to get out without consulting a lawyer. We do know it’s wise to get facts before making any major decision. Many of us also have experienced or have seen folks shred their cred by prematurely announcing divorce. There also are some who have been financially or otherwise screwed by a spouse who was unexpectedly vindictive and secretive. As for congrats, whether she divorces or not is her call. Some here announced they were divorcing and then changed their mind after figuring out the risks weren’t worth the things they would lose, including being with a partner who loved them. I don’t have any stake in her marriage. I just hope that whatever she chooses is a fully informed choice. Regardless of what others have or haven’t done, ITI reached deep, found some testicular fortitude that a lot of others here, myself included, have not done. Everybody’s situation is different and require a different approach. It’s called individualised consideration. I saw enough responses to her brave post about lawyers that I felt compelled to say something to comment on the courage and strength it takes to finally stand up and take her life back. Let’s rally around that and look at it as inspiration. You are an inspiration ITI! Well done!!! Thank you whuffo, it was hard, and it still is hard. But one day it will be worth it as we will all be in a better place. I appreciate your perspective and confidence in my unorthodox approach which feels right for both me and the people in my care.
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Post by isthisit on Jan 22, 2019 16:42:21 GMT -5
Congrats on this next step! It has to take serious courage to finally have that endgame talk. As you acknowledge, it's a long process, but you've taken a major step towards a life you deserve. Thanks deadzone75 it was really awful to cause such pain in someone I still love very much, just not like a H anymore sadly. Your thoughts are appreciated.
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Post by isthisit on Jan 22, 2019 16:50:59 GMT -5
None of us know she knows her own situation enough to know it’s wise to get out without consulting a lawyer. We do know it’s wise to get facts before making any major decision. northstarmom many thanks for taking the time to respond. I guess my response to you is that once I had decided that I needed this separation to happen it really does not matter what I may or may not be entitled to receive. Therefore ‘the facts’ do not hold so much importance for me. I am entirely able to support myself and my children if it came to it, but it is highly unlikely that this will be necessary. My H has integrity and is honourable and will want to continue to support his children , and very likely me too if this is what I want. While your advice is likely to be relevant to the majority, it’s also important to recognise that every situation is different too.
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Post by whuffo on Jan 22, 2019 17:15:47 GMT -5
ITI, I’ll give you some fresh advice.
Celebrate your decision (when the time is right for YOU, of course) by doing something you’ve always wanted to. Go for a tandem skydive, or find some fellow that you’re jiving with go out for a nice ride on the back of a motorcycle with him, holding on tight. Do what you want and deserve to do. The proceedings will happen. Live a little... live a lot.... just live like you’ve missed out for 20+ years
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Post by sadkat on Jan 22, 2019 17:34:43 GMT -5
You’ve accomplished the first step of your journey @thisisit. I’m very glad you are at peace with this decision- that’s such a huge step! I hope the path you have chosen to travel gives you the results you expect and deserve. It’s hard when a person we love is hurt over our decisions and I agree that we must let them grieve and accept the reality of their situations. Please continue to update us on your progress and know that you will continue to find support and advice here. Although I am very happy for you that you’ve made an informed decision, congratulations does not seem to be the right word- I know you have a very difficult and painful journey ahead of you. Hugs to you from someone who is just a little further ahead of you in her journey!
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Post by shamwow on Jan 22, 2019 18:01:05 GMT -5
ITI, I’ll give you some fresh advice. Celebrate your decision (when the time is right for YOU, of course) by doing something you’ve always wanted to. Go for a tandem skydive, or find some fellow that you’re jiving with go out for a nice ride on the back of a motorcycle with him, holding on tight. Do what you want and deserve to do. The proceedings will happen. Live a little... live a lot.... just live like you’ve missed out for 20+ years FWIW I'm not sure I agree. Before running off for excitement and greener pastures it would be good to first figure out how this chapter is going to end. There are a couple kids involved, after all, and shooting from the hip usually hits innocent bystanders first. That being said, once you've got a plan with minimal collateral damage, let your hair down and enjoy the freedom. God knows you've earned it!
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 22, 2019 18:03:48 GMT -5
Congratulations on finding the courage to make a very tough decision. Whilst it is good that your husband has taken the news rather well for now i suggest you be prepared for the hostility that might kick in at a later point.
At the moment your husband is in stage 1 of Grief. Total shock. As he has time to process his feelings it will eventually turn to anger and resentment. Add to this the theory that he might snuff out that you are dating or might have a love interest and his reaction might be volcanic.
Seeing a lawyer to find out your rights and how a Divorce will shake out for you is not a bad thing. You don't have to engage his/her services but at the very least you will have an idea on how a Divorce will impact on your current situation. Better to be prepared than to just assume everything will be alright and husband will remain a willing and cooperative figure in this seperation.
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Post by workingonit on Jan 22, 2019 18:37:30 GMT -5
Wow. Decisive and bold. Well done. I agree with everyone here about the lawyer and whatnot. I will say, the stages of emotions he will go through may surprise you and it is NOT in your power to make this amicable, no more than it was in your power to make him love you as you need to be loved. But we are here no matter what and will be a sounding board for you as you ride out this journey. And YES, I REALLY want to know who your special someone on this board is!! REALLY!! But, take your time. It is unlikely the appropriate time for me to ask. I will wait....
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Post by isthisit on Jan 23, 2019 2:22:27 GMT -5
ITI, I’ll give you some fresh advice. Celebrate your decision (when the time is right for YOU, of course) by doing something you’ve always wanted to. Go for a tandem skydive, or find some fellow that you’re jiving with go out for a nice ride on the back of a motorcycle with him, holding on tight. Do what you want and deserve to do. The proceedings will happen. Live a little... live a lot.... just live like you’ve missed out for 20+ years 🤔 do you think Amazon could have him here by tomorrow morning? That would pick me up no end. But, you’re right. Prioritising fun ( of all sorts...) is high on my agenda.
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Post by isthisit on Jan 23, 2019 2:26:51 GMT -5
Wow. Decisive and bold. Well done. I agree with everyone here about the lawyer and whatnot. I will say, the stages of emotions he will go through may surprise you and it is NOT in your power to make this amicable, no more than it was in your power to make him love you as you need to be loved. But we are here no matter what and will be a sounding board for you as you ride out this journey. And YES, I REALLY want to know who your special someone on this board is!! REALLY!! But, take your time. It is unlikely the appropriate time for me to ask. I will wait.... @workingonit your advice is sound, and while I feel very strongly that now is not the time for legal consultation, I am far from daft, and remain vigilant, so if circumstances change I will not hesitate. For what it is worth you are not alone in your curiosity, but it is not for me to ‘out’ my friend, I am sure you understand.
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Post by h on Jan 23, 2019 6:55:14 GMT -5
There are some lawyers in my area that will work with amicable couples to meditate a split and act as a neutral party as long as both spouses are committed to a fair split. If one spouse starts fighting about details, they recommend outside independent counsel but they can complete the whole process themselves if both the spouses agree to the terms.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2019 7:16:26 GMT -5
Congratulations thus far Sister isthisit . Re - seeing a lawyer. You can obviously see some upside in going in to the divorce without legal representation. What is that upside ? Thanks baza I am interested in everyone’s assumption that I plan to divorce. I haven’t said that at all. I simply asked my H for a separation. This does not at all imply a temporary measure, I wouldn’t put myself, him or our children through the upcoming pain only to return to the SM status quo. Our separation will be final- but a split of assets and living arrangements is currently my only goal. As far as I am concerned I do not need a divorce to pursue other relationships and much needed sexual activity. This may come with time, but I can’t see my wanting to remarry anytime soon. The upside of not seeking a legal view just now is that this would cause my H some pain I think and he is having a hard enough time of it as it is. He told me that I had been a ‘perfect in every way wife’ and he is traumatised that his future looks different than he had assumed. If I wish for a legal view, I could well suggest that we go together. He is the father of my children and has never given me cause to doubt his integrity, and I think he deserves some sensitivity and respect. Maybe I will regret this decision, but it feels right and I ‘trust my guy’ . Does that answer your question? Could you elaborate on how leaving the situation in a state of limbo spares him (or anyone else) pain rather than simply dragging it out?
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Post by isthisit on Jan 23, 2019 8:59:50 GMT -5
There are some lawyers in my area that will work with amicable couples to meditate a split and act as a neutral party as long as both spouses are committed to a fair split. If one spouse starts fighting about details, they recommend outside independent counsel but they can complete the whole process themselves if both the spouses agree to the terms. Thanks for this h that’s much more what I had in mind. If the time comes, I will aim to seek out something like this if it is available in my area.
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